Los Angeles, CA—In a surprise move, the drummer of the rock band the Armpit Salesman decided not to choke on his own vomit, or overdose on drugs, or violently explode on stage as his music genre demands. Mark “Dusty” Deez claims he started smoking by age seven, drinking by age nine, and was hooked on meth and reality television by age eleven, but he told his band members this week he has no intention of dying soon.

Lead guitarist Tim “Time Bomb” Lexner said, “We were all excited when he joined the band four years ago. Our last drummer was a bit of a health nut, so we knew he wouldn’t work out. This guy is an A-grade whack job and we were ready for the tragedy, the tribute album, all the free press. And now this…”

The band’s manager, Biff Larson, said, “Look, it’s in his f@#$ing contract he was supposed to off himself by 27 or 28 the latest. If you’re not prepared to go the Full-Cobain at least pull a Def Leppard and lose an arm or something. This asshole jumps headfirst off the stage every f@#$ing night and, wouldn’t you know it, the fans always seem to catch the bastard.”