Isn’t That the Pot Calling the Ketamine Crack?

Mick Zano

Isn’t that the Pot Calling the Ketamine Crack?

I don’t understand that headline either, but don’t let that stop you. Let’s not end the War on Drugs today, let’s build a time machine and go back 20-years and end it then. Besides, a republican time machine could bring a whole new meaning to the word TARDIS. Think of the money we could save, not to mention the cost in human misery—or, as Schwarzenegger put it, come with me if you want to spliff!

“It (the British government) declared that its drug policy would be based on scientific evidence yet in 2009 it sacked Professor David Nutt, Chairman of the Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs, for stating the simple statistical fact that cannabis is less dangerous (in terms of measured “harms”) than tobacco and alcohol and that ecstasy is less dangerous than horse-riding.”

—Graham (horse riding stoned) Hancock

Same shit, different side of the pond. I have always maintained that if we drew the line at alcohol, pot is on the safer side of that line on every measure known to man. For one faction of our society, however, the equation will forever remain pot = bad. Anything else will not compute. And republicans seem to process new information slower than Obama’s healthcare website on a ‘lude/malware cocktail. I tried that once and never again!

If you recall, because of republican interference we went with this quasi half-step called medical marijuana (hint: don’t let republicans ever impact policy).

I admit full legalization is not a horribly popular notion, unless you look at something called poll numbers, but try having this conversation with a republican some time. Kidding. Don’t…unless your BAC is at or around .16. It’s hard to find a topic wherein conservative types are open to changing their minds…on anything. Remaining stubborn on all issues is an interesting choice when they can’t seem to actually get anything right. Thus their current Value Jet in a cloudburst freefall into political obscurity (VJIACBFIPO)—an occurrence I both predicted and now welcome. The rise and fall of The Turd Reich? No? Okay, how about Flight of the Sickarus? I’ll work on that one. I’ll admit it looks bleak for the Dems at the moment, but the collective future for the GOP is on par with a certain Toronto mayor’s.

In the ‘90s Ronald Reagan ramped up enforcement, funding and incarcerations for the War on Drugs, and by the end of his administration 8x as many people went to jail for non-violent crimes. When Nancy Reagan had her famous Just Say No moment, I remember thinking, wow, a buzz sounds really good about now, grandma. Okay, what I really thought was:

Dear Nancy,

Please try to understand the basic philosophy behind addiction and human behavior before you speak.



P.S. I loved you in Donovan’s Brain.

Here’s the actual score:

The # of people who stopped using drugs after Nancy Reagan’s advice:


The # of people who started drugs after her speech and then went to jail:

Rose from 50,000 to 350,000 during her husband’s presidency.

Having the world’s highest drug related incarceration rates in the world after a trillion dollar enforcement initiative:

Priceles…wait, what? It’s not priceless, it’s a trillion dollars!!

And they call us dopes. Now a message from our blogger:

“For the record, I am not a pot smoker, nor will I become one should it become legalized. I only intend to use the proceeds from selling marijuana to fund my Thai sex slave operation.”

—Mick Zano

Personally, I’m not a huge fan of pot. My argument is solely based on facts and common sense, which will likely forever banish it from the GOP’s tent (see: the Christie Phenomenon). The often infantile views on the right need not stay the laws of the land. I have worked in the field of behavioral health for a couple of decades, but the right is simply not interested in anyone’s opinion, professional or otherwise. There’s just no way to combat the GOP’s coordinated War on Facts (see: any issue in the 21st century).

When I say:

End the war on drugs NOW!

They think:

Charlie Manson hanging at Amsterdam’s red light district on meth.

It’s because they only have these two extreme switches in their heads. It’s why they’re becoming increasingly irrelevant.

“I am not suggesting we change any of the consequences for driving impaired or breaking the law. We have those rules in place and they will remain in place. Next to no one is suggesting otherwise.”

—Senator Chong

Meanwhile, folks like Graham Hancock are calling the War on Drugs the greatest threat to consciousness and personal freedom of our time. Admittedly, this is not an angle many will understand or support. Republicans refuse to evolve on any given issue, let alone one involving spiritual growth or the potential improvement of one’s own consciousness. Graham is ahead of the curve…too far I’m afraid.

“If we as adults are not free to make sovereign decisions – right or wrong – about our own consciousness, that most intimate, that most sapient, that most personal part of ourselves, then in what useful sense can we be said to be free at all?”

—Graham Hancock

He’s coming at the problem from the shamanic—hallucinogens can expand and improve consciousness—religious freedom model (still working on the acronym). I happen to agree with him on this point, having thoroughly read Hancock’s work on the subject. I recommend Supernatural.

I realize this argument is quite meaningless to a Foxeteer. They remain oblivious to most of the important issues of our time. They will continue to put everything neatly into their good bin or their bad bin, and since liberals will forever be designated to their bad bin, we might as well mess with them and vote in Hillary/Garofalo 2016 and then Oprah/Moore in 2024.

Seriously, why do you want to throw away ANOTHER trillion dollars on this bullshit? Oh, that’s right, because you’re all actually about as fiscally conservative as Silvio Berlusconi at a strip club. The GOP always insists on their meaningless and mind-numbingly expensive witch hunts, not to mention all those expensive and meaningless policies. They do this in the name of saving money (see: history of U.S. deficits).

As for the War on Drugs:

“The punitive prohibitionist approach to global drug control has proven remarkably costly, ineffective and counterproductive.”

—Ethan Nadelmann, director of the U.S.-based Drug Policy Alliance

That sentiment has become common wisdom, so how about we shift some of the money to education and treatment? It will be money better spent. Oh, and winning hearts and minds does not include eight rectal searches. Did you hear about that one…er, eight?

“You don’t know what you’re talking about, Zano. That’s just the painful insertion of freedom!”

—John Q. Republican

Usually the GOP will counter with something like, well I would never smuggle anything like that in my ass. Umm, as it turns out neither was he. Let’s hope he can still turn the other cheek.

Ultimately we’ll provide people with more information and then let the individual make the decision about their drug use. Whether this happens sooner or later depends on the next election cycle.

Dear Republicans,

The War on Drugs is over. You lost.



P.S. Ask your doctor if copping a clue is right for you.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.