CPAC Run!

CPAC Run!
Mick Zano

Welcome back, Pokey, to the important civil discourse happening here at The Daily Discord, you horrible little troll of a man. Let me guess, you only have access to cable news and AM radio—strike that, just AM radio. Nevertheless, I’m cheering the return of the Discord’s prodigal chum, but now to dismantle your arguments faster than a Daihatsu at a chop shop.

I agree the Dems need to be reigned in, but the current GOP will not accomplish this important task. It’s like putting the Ghetto Shaman in charge of a hallucinogen busting task force. Charlie’s Angel Dust? Did you catch CPAC by chance? I think a judge would be hard pressed not to order forced anti-psychotic injections for the lot. Many think this was their best effort to purge the looneys, I disagree.

If Rick Santorum makes the most sense at your little party, take off the sweater vests and put on the straitjackets. I kind of liked parts of Rand Paul’s bit, aside from the fossil fuel quest and the revisionist history, but otherwise ‘meh’. But the Pauls have never really fit in with the GOP mindset, because occasionally they stray into something I like to call reality. But how does the GOP shift from dad, hailed as a complete Kook, to frontrunner son without ever admitting any wrongdoing? Rand has the same schtick as his dad. It’s surreal.

Most republicans are attacking Obama for his “Carter-like” bumblings in the foreign policy spheres, yet what would Rand Paul do? He would do less than Obama. Let’s face it, there’s no unifying the ideology of fundamentalists, chicken hawks, and Tea Baggers. Irreconcilable hindrances? None of them make sense, but shove them all into the same tent and:

Santorum and Huckabee's Greatest Shitshow on Earth!
Santorum and Huckabee’s Greatest Shitshow on Earth!

And there is no news cycle in the last decade, Mr. McDooris, where a Dem-caused-problem really trumped a GOP caused dilemma. Whereas the crises you tend to cover remain theoretical, mine are quantifiable. And I’m done pushing for reform with this bunch; there comes a time when the EEG’s been flat for so long it’s time to pull the plug. Death panel anyone?

As I recall, you feared our 1st and 2nd Amendment rights under Obama, yet surprise surprise, years later you’re still shooting off your mouth and your guns. The advent of the politically correct police is hardly the greatest issue of our time. Besides, it’s these next round of issues—the ones you haven’t even identified yet—that will be our undoing. My list of future headaches here.

Why is talking to a republican always like time travel? Come with me if you want to Lib? I’ll be Beck? No? How about hasta la Christie, baby? Fine, I’ll stop.

Look, I blogged my dismay as the Justice Department became subsumed by the executive branch under Bush and already mourned the death of the Bill of Rights, here. In real time I rallied against the expansion of executive power with sharp zingy puns and satire, here. Remember? You should…I was arguing with you in that article. But as it turned out none of my eleven fans helped me storm the Bastille that day. Our freedoms died with a whimper, not a bang, amidst a very patriotic act.

Republicans are always walking up to some charred, smoldering black lump and saying, “Do you think we should, uh, open those barn doors now, Cleetus?”

If memory serves, you were also harping on people taking advantage of our system. That’s still a main GOP theme and, whereas it does happen, the problem ranks about 5,875. Strong work. The stuff I’m worried about is going to take another ten years for you to even identify: climate change, green energies, energy sustainability, sustainable communities, overpopulation, the disparity of wealth, twerking. But by then it will be too late. Will twerk for food?

Feel free to pursue happiness in the wasteland, Mad McMax, but we just don’t have the kind of time necessary to bring you and your ilk up to speed. We can’t enter the solution phase of any given problem because with one group science is always unsettled and uncertain. The only thing I’m certain about is how unsettled your party is.

And I don’t care if you have to pay 85 bucks a year for some emergency room fee. Eventually we’ll have a single payer system. But I hope keeping you on this planet a little longer doesn’t cramp your freedoms. It’s these half measures that always get muddied: individual mandates, medical marijuana, Managed Care. Give me a break. By the way, I was never for the individual mandate, here. How about you either pay the fee or sign a waiver that we don’t have to treat you at any emergency room? Wear a tag or something.

Hi I’m Pokey. If it’s going to be more than ten bucks, doc, just wheel me to the morgue.

It’s all part of Operation: Dying for Freedom! I don’t think the right could identify a freedom if it ran up their leg and bit them on their lapel flag. Frankly, your system and the people you vote for will still rush you along to the morgue, after they go through your pockets looking for loose change.

Have you seen the GOP’s counter proposal to Obamacare? Hint: Bachmann’s charts, submitted in crayon, make more sense. And I don’t care if you have a religious opinion that supersedes that of a decision between a doctor and a patient. This sums up that riveting argument:

“Religious groups have been exempt from the birth control benefit all along, and they still are. This is a case about paperwork, not religious liberty.”

—Cecile Richards, president of the Planned Parenthood Federation of America.

In the time it’s taken you to post your last article, untold hundreds were incarcerated for smoking pot in this country, something I did, something you did, something our last three presidents did. A huge section of those “freeloaders” you mentioned have un-expungeable felonies on their record so are now virtually unemployable. But let’s not address that, because someone on the dole is making money off these folks in a private prison somewhere. Because the free market works!

The republican vision of freedom, is the freedom to live amidst the highest incarceration rates on the planet and the freedom to work in a unionless sweatshop, forever, without any chance of any vacation or any raises. They get away with this by selling this increasingly unlikely scenario:

“Hey, don’t fight for worker’s rights, because some day you’re going to run the sweatshop and you don’t want people cutting into your profits when you’re in charge, do you?”

—John Q. Republican

Stephen Moore was just on Bill Maher saying the same thing while defending Walmart’s unconscionable practices. “Do you know how many managers at Walmart came up through the ranks?” Give me a break. Wait, we’re not paying for breaks anymore so get back to work, oh glorious manager-to-be.

And if I hear one more republican say, “I’m not like that, I’m a moderate.” Bulllshit! You’re electing increasingly unhinged radicals. Did you watch CPAC? Where were these moderate voices, in your head?

“Republicans are so far right only two republicans are allowed at a time on the observation deck of the leaning Tower of Pisa.”

—Mick Zano

If you’re the bunch defending guns and the Constitution, you might as well shoot your copy of the Constitution Made Easy and then throw your gun off a cliff. Obama governs like Reagan, so the argument the left has gone off the deep end is a farce. In comparison liberal ideology hasn’t really shifted much to the left. Actually, it hasn’t shifted far enough.

No issues can be addressed adequately when one faction of our society gets their facts, their science, and their news from an alternate reality. The ideology of the right is no longer viable. They’re a distraction. You wonder why I don’t get around to those Obama rants, Poke? Take today for example, as I write this post The Drudge headline at the top reads:

Russian Ballistic Missile Threatens West!

But when you actually read said article, it says Putin submitted plans for this missile test to Obama, in triplicate, over a year ago and it has nothing to do with the current situation in the Ukraine. They are frightening the hell out of old people with a sociopathic pattern of lies and distortions not seen since we created the Discord’s mission statement.

Of course, since the GOP accurately predicted something (Putin’s bad behavior), they will now attempt to make matters seem worse. Whether the Ukraine situation fizzles or escalates I predict—through sheer force of will—the GOP will try everything in their power to rekindle the cold war, through patriotism.

Or:

“Either Obama will ignore this problem in the Ukraine and prove his weakness, or he will recklessly escalate the situation with senseless aggression, and I will let you know Monday depending on what he does.”

—Jon Stewart, making fun of Sean Hannity.

The GOP is creating reality through a confirmation bias not seen in this country in our lifetime. But as for my lack of Obama criticism, I will post an article on my complaints with our 44th president (Hint, they will barely resemble yours).

The members of each political party certainly reside along an ideological spectrum, but for the Democrats to reach GOP levels, they would have to nominate Rosie O’Donnell for president, after she announced she’d be appointing the entire cast of The View to her cabinet.

As you well know, I predicted if the GOP stayed on this course they would die and, right on cue, many are wondering if there’s a future for this group. All I can say now is, good riddance, and don’t let the McDooris hit you on the ass on the way out.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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