Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Though I actually have no real question, I’d like to offer ‘you’ some advice. After all, I am in a wonderful, long-term monogamous relationship built on love, respect, and trust.

RS

Dear RS,

Is that you Santorum? I told you to stop hitting my contact button because I think you’re a douche.
Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Oh, and I’m seeing your wife and she thinks you’re a douche too. So is Gingrich by the way (no surprise there).

P.P.S. And I’m taking your son fishing this weekend.

P.P.P.S.  Oh, and nice liquor cabinet, but sorry about the scotch thing.

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Lemme’ Teech U Sumpin’, G-H-E-T-T-O. Shaman spelled backwards is Na Mahs, loosely translated from the Sanskrit-Pictish means NO MAS. Hang up yo’ diaper, ‘cuz yo schtick is gettin’ stale. Listen dude, I am a longtime fan. You need to start sellin’ sum T-Shirts or sumpin’. Bring back the Juice! By the way, you STILL owe me $20, bitch.
‘Lil Trump.

Uoldhaunts, PA

Dear ‘Lil Trump,

Twenty dollar make you holler! I spent your twenty in Thailand, but I swear that boy was at least sixteen. You have to be more specific. I owe a lot of people money. When we do sell T-shirts I will send you one, in lieu of the twenty.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. But I have a copyright on bitch, bitch…and a prescription for penicillin.

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

After nearly 30 years, of living a clean and sober life, I’m contemplating getting back into weed. With the failure of the economy, losing my home and my family, it sounds like a good thing to do, as I am allergic to alcohol. However, back in the 70s, Thai Stik is what I used to do. Is that still available, and at what price? If not, what would be a good replacement?

Looosah

Michigan

Dear Loosah,

Thai Stik? Thai Stik is only about three bucks and is available anywhere, even convenient stores. It’s very good at removing stains. I believe I’ve used that joke before. Look, Loosah, you should get a second opinion on the alcohol. Allergic? Try rice beer. There’s also gluten free beer, so you can enjoy a taste on par with Schlitz for only ten dollars a pint. Oh, and with hydroponics you will find pot much more potent than the old days, depending on your source, of course. But before you do anything to jeopardize 30 years of sobriety, call your sponsor—as long as your sponsor isn’t Budweiser. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I’m a lesbian and my partner is insisting I where protection. Please instruct?

Monica

Dear Monica,

Just visit GladiatorLesbians.com. I believe they have a virtual mall.

Sincerely,

Can I have your number?

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I just had this awesome thing happen! I’ve heard it called Mysterium Tremendum by the mystics of old. It’s that ineffable feeling when faced with the awe inspiring compassion of God. It’s like a Zen sandwich, when you are one with Universe wrapped in the sweet bliss of ever present awareness.  I knew you of all people would understand.

Hastings

Dear Hastings,

I think you mean Delirium Tremens, which is what I get when I’m coming down from too much alcohol, or as I call it, the Unholy Spirits. It’s not really fun and the seizures can actually kill. I do get visions but rarely would I describe them as Godlike, unless you mean those bugs that you keep incessantly gouging at your own skin to kill. I think that’s what you mean.  I recommend tapering off the booze with appropriate amounts of benzodiazepines and then switching to pot for a while.

Hope this helps

The Ghetto Shaman

Greetings!

Sorry, loyal fans. I was not in jail last week, as Mr. Winslow keeps insinuating, actually I’ve been very industrious lately. I am starting a chain of fast food restaurants called Just Potato Salad! I’m thinking of renaming it Just Potato Salad, Bitches, but I kind of lose some oomph without that exclamation point. Does anyone have an opinion? So far business is slow. Should I consider adding another type of potato salad to my menu? Maybe one with mustard and mayo? I don’t want to get too crazy off the get-go; there’s a lot of overhead associated with a business that involves buckets filled with potatoes and mayonnaise…more than you probably realize.

Somewhat respectfully submitted,

The Ghetto Spudman

P.S. Stands for Potato Salad! …Bitches!

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Why doesn’t God want me to have a threesome?

Palfrey

Dear Palfey,

You need to be able to count that high first, dip shit. Oh, and two farms animals don’t count.

The Ghetto Threesome

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Tell Dave Atsals I’m single, but is he single?

Cokie McGrath

Discord Field Reporter

Dear Cokie,

What is this Shaman Harmony or something? Get a virtual room you two. And he’s a coworker, Cokie! It’s unthinkable! Besides, Dave is having a torrid affair with our CEO, Pierce Winslow. He makes him do things on the casting couch…it’s really terrible.  I am soooo burning that video he sent me….OMG am I.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book Living in Gratitude, Mother Fuckers and…that’s all.

Bob

Dear Bob,

I know, I know, sometimes words can’t describe the ineffable beauty of my writing…mother fucker.

Respectfully submitted,

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

This seems to be a common theme with what I’ve read of your column, but sex drugs and rock & roll are at odds with most teachings of spirituality. What am I missing?

Zitz

Dear Zitz,

A lot of fun, apparently. We have DMT and cannabinoid receptors in our brains. Drugs are an integral part of our heritage, but my boss and my P.O. aren’t buying it. Check out David Lewis-Williams’ work on cave art. He has all but proven that rock art throughout the world has recurrent entoptic/shamanic patterns. When man ingested the first ‘shrooms and gnawed on the first psychedelic roots we finally climbed out of the trees and claimed our birthright—which has widely been regarded as a bad move (D. Adams).

Lewis-Williams’ is one of many scholars who believe the use of hallucinogens actually stepped up our evolution. You can learn more about binge drinking and enlightenment in my latest work Ancestral Party Animal: Voices from the First Kegger.

Hope this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. And at my house hallucinogens have also been successfully used to treat boredom.