New York, NY—Mayor Michael Bloomberg has received countless packages and envelopes containing everything from sugar, to Splenda, to other dangerous carcinogenic sweetners. The Department of Homeland Sugarity stated many letters were smeared with thicker substances like icing, fudge, and Boston cream. For Bloomberg the most disturbing incident involved a sweetacide bomber, who poured Mountain Dew into the Mayor’s morning coffee. As a result, the Mayor is starting an elite NCIS division (No Confection In State).

Mayor Bloomberg told reporters today, “People who are trying to get me hooked on high fructose corn syrup are going to jail. I am declaring a War on Sweetners. I believe a Jihadist sweetner cell may already be operating in the tri-state area. It’s a fat people fatwa. And if I find the bastard I’m going to suecrose them for every penny!” He then turned to a heckler and said, “Yeah, Fruc-u-tose, sir! And, for the last time, I am not going to Do the Dew, it’s not the Real Thing, and I am certainly not going to Obey My Thirst. Listen up, you roly poly junk food junkies: when you walk out of a Krispy Kreme, I’ll be there, when you smuggle a Big Gulp over the New Christy border, I’ll be there, and by gum…don’t even get me started on gum!”

Bangladesh—The site of the recent Rana Plaza collapse had a surprise visitor today. A distinguished figure, totting a bullhorn, scrambled atop the debris of the demised garment factory and gave a riveting speech. Former President George Bush received only blank stares, however, as the predominately Bengali-only speaking audience didn’t understand English, let alone Bush’s version.  

Undeterred, Bush announced to cleanup personnel and onlookers alike, “I can hear you! The rest of the world hears you! And the people—and the people who knocked down these buildings are going to hear from Walmart real soon!”

The former president then started chanting U.S.A. repeatedly into the bullhorn before stumbling backward in the rubble, before disappearing into a sinkhole. All attempts to recover Mr. Bush were immediately called off due to a lack of interest.

Kidding, Bush can’t leave the country or he would immediately be arrested as a war criminal. But I’m sure he’s happily clearing brush somewhere…well, somewhere in the U.S.A! U.S.A!

Honduras—Three years ago the GOP outsourced scandal-creation to a company based out of a sex and organ-trafficking sweatshop in an area of Honduras known as the Badlands. The GOP is not happy with the quality of the scandals they’re receiving, nor the quantity. Yesterday the largest creator of imaginary scandals for republicans collapsed, killing 47 workers.

House majority leader John Boehner, saddened by the news, sprang into action, “We are in daily contact with the facility’s management and every step is being taken to shift production to a more suitable location.”

When asked about the deaths, Boehner said, “They’re not Americans; am I missing something? Look, creating these scandals so far south…let’s just say, we’ve made the most political hay possible with those received, but American made Obama scandals would be more ideal—and we need em’. Hell, we’re starting to look like idiots. I don’t even understand the Benghazi thing and we paid top dollar for that crap. Then they tried to make good by selling us the IRS scandal, which has no links to the White House. We’re returning that shit. And don’t even get me started on ACORN and that birth certificate thing. That was a twofer, F#@%king Hondurans.”

The GOP’s long term goal is to pass the Affordable Scandal Act while simultaneously lowering the minimum wage so that scandal-creating factories can be successful built right here in the United States.

Granbury, TX—In a flurry of meteorological wrath, God unleashed hail, lightening, and high winds this week on predominately Republican neighborhoods as he looked on with his patented indifference.

“I don’t like the bastards,” explained God. “They’re hypocrites. Don’t say you’re doing shit in my name when you’re doing the exact opposite.”

When God was asked about the potential for going all ‘Noah flood’ or ‘Sodom and Gomorrah’ on their asses, God replied, “Noah options are off the table.” He then laughed at his own joke, loudly. “Look, I’m not trying to be a dick about this, but I always target Tea Party and Republican neighborhoods. Square states are Darwin’s shooting range.”

When asked about ideological incompatibilities, God said, “I love Darwin, the monkey loving F&*K. But do not cut that Noah pun out, Winslow! I can still smite shit!”

When asked about the fairness of targeting entire towns for the poor behavior of a few, God said, “Sure you’re going to get some liberal collateral damage. There are known knowns, things we know that we know, known unknowns, Hah! Damn I miss Rumsfeld. Shame he’s heading south. Truth be told, I don’t really care for people in general. I believe I made that clear in the Old Testament.”

As an omnipotent being, God’s Rumsfeld quote makes little sense in the context of….Aaaaaaah!!

Washington, DC—President Barack Obama delivered a speech today republicans are calling a brand of Nixonian Marxism not seen since Jimmy Carter—which, granted, doesn’t make any sense. Obama swaggered up to the teleprompter with a martini in one hand and the Communist Manifesto in the other and sung the Canadian national anthem in Kenyan. That’s not what disturbed people; he wasn’t wearing any pants.

“For four years I’ve read about my imaginary scandals,” slurred Obama. “I read headline after MFing Drudge headline about atrocities I never got around to committing. I was well behaved, bitches! Since I’m not running again, shits about to get real. From here on out I’m going to wiretap shit, drone strike shit, and even drone strike shit while I’m wiretapping shit. Remember, this was all made possible by patriotic people such as yourselves.”

Obama laughed, “Oh, and It was my idea to have the IRS target Tea Baggers. They’re kind of douchey, so it seemed fitting. And as for Benghazi, yes, we’ve been trying to paint a very different picture of what happened there: a group of Libyans, who love America as much as anyone, accidentally overran our embassy and killed everybody with glitter and bunnies…glitter and MFing bunnies, people!” The President then threw up a little bit.

“Okay, I admit they don’t really like us much. But they have their reasons. I am the President of the United States after all, so I personally have to bang most countries economically up the ass every morning before breakfast. It’s on my agenda. As it turns out, they don’t always like that. Heh, heh. Your turn Americuh’. Ask not who you can screw for your country…oh, and I have a drea…I mean, a drone!”

The Obama Administration plans to start handing out KY Jelly with each tax form, which they feel will help “the process” in something they’re calling Operation Lubrinflation.