Venn Will They Listen? a Batshit Venn Diagram Takedown of the GOP

Mick Zano

A reader thought my last CPAC Run article was “fact-light”. I know, I know…you’ve come to expect more from your spoof news journalists these days. So to set the record straight I created some fun Venn diagrams to help explain why the right has lost its battle with reality. The GOP leaves behind 45 senators, 233 congressman and dozens of certifiable AM radio hosts.

The Economy: Post the Great Recession
The Economy: Post the Great Recession

A healthy GOP could have forced the Obama administration’s hand and changed the ratio of austerity measures to tax hikes and maybe get that sweet spot between Obama’s plan and Simpson-Bowles. But their all-or-none thinking wouldn’t allow for that. Cuts = Good and Taxes = Bad, so the Ryan Plan was DOA.

“I’m stopping payments on all those wars we ordered.”

—John Q. Republican

Immigration Reform
Immigration Reform

Actually, the GOP’s position has “evolved” to:

“Umm, we won’t pass immigration reform because we don’t think Obama will enforce anything.”

—John Q Republican

Yeah, you know, Obama, that guy who hired more border agents than anyone in U.S. history and currently resides over the largest decrease in illegal crossings…yeah, that border softy. But I love your wall idea, I believe Pink Floyd covered your important views thoroughly.

Foreign Policy
Foreign Policy

Simply put, all-or-none/us-or-them thinking has NO place in the Oval Office. Exhibit A:

Foreign Policy

Exhibit B:

“When was the last time you heard the designation ‘pro-Israel’ or ‘anti-Israel’ and found it a useful distinction that added to rather than subtracted from the discussion at hand? Ever?”

Paul Waldman

Now extrapolate Waldman’s point to every country and every conflict on Earth and then CPAC Run. The people who tarnished our credibility, broke our economy, and lost two land wars think what about the Ukraine? Look who’s hawking?

Climate Change
Climate Change

I have another feature coming soon on this issue, suffice to say you’re wrong. The data is overwhelming at this point. And my funny take here on energy sustainability. You’re going to back the birthers over the warmers with the existence of the planet hanging in the balance? I will Trump your Donald with something called reason.

The 2nd Amendment
The 2nd Amendment

Admittedly, there are folks on the left who want to ban all guns, like that totally failed experiment in England (sarcasm alert). I am a supporter of our 2nd Amendment right as are most Dems. But the idea of background checks is not a radical idea. The GOP, however, is afraid such a step is a slippery slope to common sense gun legislation. Look, I warned Obama not to touch this topic, here. Not because he’s wrong, but I knew he would get his ass handed to him.

Our Insurance Rates
Our Insurance Rates

If you think half the care for twice the cost is a good way to run a healthcare system, I have a traffic study to sell you in Jersey. Bridge tolled separately. I constantly deal with insurance companies in my day job and the only argument that Satan exists, lies there.

Defense Budget
Defense Budget

This is another example of all-or-none thinking. Post the Great Recession my state cut the Medicaid behavioral health dollar by nearly a third. So if our smart fiscal conservatives can’t look at our mind-numbingly bloated defense budget and think cha-ching, you’re neither smart nor fiscally conservative.

The Size of Government
The Size of Government

There is a Goldilocks zone for the size of government. It’s bigger than Grover Norquist’s vision and likely smaller than Hillary’s. It’s just right…of Warren.

Our Dying Planet
Our Dying Planet

Uh, I’m being told to stop. I have more, but Mr. Winslow pulled the plug at 10. I can hear Pokey McDooris now saying, “Some of your portrayals of GOP positions are either not mine, or clearly exaggerated.” Bullshit. I don’t care about your positions, I care about the crackpots you’re electing. They’re zealots, not moderates. Moderate republicanisms died and I was one of the only ones covering the funeral. I placed a rose on the grave, read a poem called “When George Will made sense” and then wept a little. It was a closed casket affair, for obvious reasons. Sorry you missed it.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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