Salem, MA—On this day in history in 1692, Elias Issa, the great-great-great-great grandfather of Rep. Darrell Issa (R-Calif.), climbed onto a long wagon train heading East. He braved the over 3,000 mile trek from Vista California to Salem, overcoming heat, anti-native American football slogans, and early liberal bias “just to hang some chicks.”

Elias Issa, then the head of the God-I-Still-Miss-the-Inquisition subcommittee, was a Puritan conservative investigator known for his harsh sentencing and B.O. Throughout his tenor Issa remained determined to bring young ladies, who often gave him bad thoughts at night before bedtime, to justice. He also investigated allegations of farmers abusing their sheep, who often gave him bad thoughts at night before bedtime.

Issa is credited with the successful prosecutions in Salem before turning his attention to a long line of heretical astronomers as well as some of those “fucking Quakers.”