Benghazi Is an Important Scandal: a Republican One

Mick Zano

Now that the mastermind behind the Benghazi attack is in custody and has allegedly cited the video as the main impetus…uh, who cares? As Hillary said, “Why does it matter?” This was extrapolated by Fox to mean, “Why does it matter four Americans died?” They did this because they lie. That’s not news; they lie every news cycle, but what’s always been interesting to me about this particular “scandal” is how little sense it makes, even by typical Fox News standards. Heh, heh…Fox News standards.

No attempt to make this a scandal has worked and, remember, the GOP came at this from more angles than Pythagoras on crack, during his OCD period. Fox News’s last angle, the Obama knew all along it wasn’t the video that triggered the attack, just collapsed. So even their inane, picky nonsensical shit that no one understands (IPNSTNOU) isn’t panning out. The GOP is like Felix Unger with ADHD, after the head injury episode. Apparently, in several private conversations, Khatallah moved up the attack date after being enraged by an American anti-Islam video, or:

“So, of course, the attacks were linked to the dozens of other embassies overrun on the same day. If the GOP can’t connect those dots, we’re going to need some bigger dots. That is why the attack fell right on movie-trailer night. They used the riots as an excuse…you know, to do the old fake yawn and reach around thing. You think this just happened at the precise moment all of those other protests?”

Mick Zano, 11/19/12

Isn’t it time to hold republicans accountable for their lies? My quote came soon after the attacks and, let’s be clear, I don’t really care about this part. Who would? Yet, the people who studied this shit, for years, still couldn’t create anything meaningful out of their bullshit, or:

Dear Rick Santorum,

Maybe it’s republicanism, not homosexuality that leads to bestiality…uh, because you people seem to always screw the pooch.



P.S. Wag more, bark less. Woof.

I don’t care about being right, I care that these same wing-nuts are now in position to win the midterms. Imposition? The imposition, here we go, the imposition, what a show. What movie?

Here’s a review of the real culpability on Benghazi:

1. Republicans chose to defund embassy security about a year before the attack.

(I guess hindsight is AK-47.)

2. This ongoing Benghazi distraction greatly diminished the death of Ambassador Stevens and his life’s work, here. And, as a direct result of Project Issa, 21 embassies have closed across the Middle East.

(Hey, but saving on embassy security reduced the deficit by .0000001, while greatly increasing the likelihood of another war, aka, another win win for our fiscally conservative neocons.)

3. The right all but ended the promising career of Susan Rice, not out of some misunderstanding, but from sheer bullshit, aka, the fuel of choice over at the Fox Nation

(Keystone Poopline?)

Fun fact: Republicans no longer require facts, fun or otherwise.

4. Republicans have, once again, wasted millions of tax payer’s dollars on legal fees, special committees, and Obama voodoo dolls. Shouldn’t they pay us back?

(…with interest?)

(Close Guantanamo and open GOPtanamo? Kidding, why feed them? It’s a welfare program.)

The only small difference between my list and theirs is this: reality. These are all facts. Essentially, Bush showed us how ineffective broader military campaigns can be and, now, his friends are making Obama’s weapon of choice, diplomacy, a much harder proposition. I guess having fewer embassy attacks on your watch and then bringing those responsible to justice is the new republican definition of incompetence.

All of the right’s arguments on this “scandal” have been dismantled, which only seems to embolden them. It’s like a wounded animal, on ludes. Here’s what’s next from a stronger, wronger Fox:

Is Obama “Fixing” Khatallah’s Confession?

Amnesty Deal in the Works for Benghazi Mastermind?

The Truth Won’t Stop Next Issa Investigation

Was Hillary Watching Twilight Marathon During Benghazi?

Honestly, I think that last one is true. I have Googled the dates. Hillary, prepare for this one in the debates.

Today, Fox News is interviewing the evil genius known as Alberto Gonzalez—in your spare time, please remove the word genius—about this matter, here. Will the right’s infatuation with people who suck ever end? (Hint: no.) That would start a dumbino effect and could lead to something called rationality. My 2008 dismantling of Bush’s Attorney General, here.

Conservatives should be happy Khattalah was brought to justice—and, if they cared about embassy security, they should fund it next time. If such things mattered to them, wouldn’t they know how many attacks occurred under Bush? Incidentally, no one does, because when you factor in Baghdad, the number is too high to track. Back then their excuse was “we’re fighting them there so we didn’t have to fight them here.” Of course, the they in question weren’t there, until we went there. Now, hear ye, hear ye, they are there…uh …but here? Them’s the facts. And, the only ones who never seem to notice when their arguments fall apart, is them. There, I said it.

Case in point, Iraq is now Obama’s fault. Who knew? My take here.

In the end, it doesn’t matter. The right wing media desperately wanted to create a false reality and, at this point, they have succeeded. On a national scale my arguments are clearly losing ground. It doesn’t mean they’re wrong, it just means propaganda is often more effective. This may come as a shock to some of you, but O’Reilly is beating me in all timeslots, for all age groups, in all places on earth…except maybe Portlandia. Woot! Meanwhile, on behalf of reality: you all owe Ambassador Stevens and Susan Rice an apology…oh, and while you’re at it, ME! I could have obviously spent my time more wisely.

[Midget porn joke omitted by the editor.]

Today the New York Post is running a story suggesting Hillary didn’t believe it was the video that triggered the attack, here. This is what worries me—at times Hillary seems to be more neocon than a liberal. Sometimes there isn’t nearly as much light between her and republicans as I would like. She is distancing herself from Obama for all the wrong reasons. She knows the right’s fantasy narrative is gripping our nation, so she’s feeding into it in the hopes of some political gain. She’s a sellout. I don’t think we need to distance ourselves from issues that Obama got right.

But lest we forget this Fox News gem:

Fox News: “We Stand By Our Reporting On Benghazi”

Well, I too stand by my coverage of this issue, here, here, and here. And, once again, I beat an entire network of goofballs. Look, uh…if I’m a spoof news blogger, what exactly are you people supposed to be? I’m afraid republicans have broken the Flynn Effect over their dunce caps.

Okay. I’ll end with another of my nuggets, only because the last IF in this little equation was finally answered today and, as usual, the right is wrong on all counts. Lucky for them, they can’t count.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.