Merkel Agrees to EU Bailouts Only if Greece Submits to a Drug Test

Merkel Agrees to EU Bailouts Only if Greece Submits to a Drug Test

Berlin, DE—The Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel, has decided to pull out her oversized purse one more time to save Europe.  However, she did warn European leaders today there will be stipulations.  First, she is insisting the country of Greece undergo a drug test within 24 hours.  If any illicit substances show up in the country’s system, she will not help until it “seeks professional help.”

Merkel is also insisting Portugal “pull in their nets and open a proper factory already.”

Merkel reminded Portugal that it’s 2011, not 1011.  She then encouraged the country to “Febreze itself immediately and put on a tie.”

Merkel also reports a growing resentment toward the Brits. “Even if they were to join the EU tomorrow, I wouldn’t lift a finger to help them.  Not until England successfully completes an anger management program, facilitated by a licensed professional.”

She then called them schwankers and made an obscene gesture known only to German Chancellors.   

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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