New Federal Healthcare Insurance Policies Only Benefit Klingons, Siamese Twins, and Earthworms

L. Wolfe

Washington, DC – In June, the Obama Administration released information on the new cardiology healthcare insurance for all Americans.  Additional assurance/quality control reviews, however, reveal that this insurance is only available to Americans with more than one functional heart. 

Mr. Lestan Onest, Esq., fiduciary Lawyer for the Federal Health Care Insurance Fraud Commission, had this to say: “Well, it’s no different than the Cash for Clunkers program and the associated EPA mile-per-gallon review, wherein several car models underwent changes just before the program’s kick off. What we’re really doing is insuring the second heart, the backup heart, so to speak.  So, if for some reason your first heart fails, you can file an application that would cover you in the event your second heart fails at some later date.  It’s really a good program for those Americans with more than one heart.”

When asked if Klingons and Siamese twins would be covered, Mr. Onest stated “Hmmm. I’m not familiar with Klingons. They’re from Eurasia, right?”

When our own Bald Tony explained that Klingons are from Qo’noS (Kronos to us Earthlings) and have two hearts, Mr. Onest countered with, “This program is designed for legal citizens of the United States, current Green Card and Visa holders, and any illegal aliens who have been here receiving other U.S. benefits for five years or more.  That’s probably something you’d need to take up with the immigration office.” 

Bald Tony suggested, “Shouldn’t Universal healthcare cover the greater Universe?”

Mr. Onest begged to differ, but he assured Americans that Siamese twins would be covered under the new program “for sure.”  But, apparently, they would have to identify which twin had the “primary” heart, and which twin had the backup heart that is actually covered.  Also, in this case, since the twins are physically connected, Onest believes that legally they would need to be each other’s beneficiaries. When it was pointed out that generally both twins would die if one heart failed, Mr. Onest stated, “Well, that would be a complicating factor. I suppose they could have a notary public file the claim for the other dead twin, and payment would then be made directly back into the federal fund for any post-mortem cardiological services rendered, since there would be no living beneficiary.” 

When asked about the future of affordable gestational legal services, Onest backpedaled, “Look, not all of the details have obviously been worked out yet, but we are very hopeful that these new policies will benefit some freak or another.”

When Bald Tony questioned how naturalized earthworms are genetically fitted with a multi-chambered heart, Onest replied, “Although the earthworm and other creatures from the annelid family technically qualify for coverage, I believe this is an easily correctable oversight.”

The Obama administration has since released the statement that all extra hearts will be surgically removed from any and all earthworms to compensate for this error. The folks at PETA are outraged about the proposed plan, which they feel constitutes cruelty to earthworms.  They are threatening to “defend against the unnecessary hardship that such surgeries would cause the earthworms and their families.” All of the Obama Administration’s healthcare initiatives are currently undergoing attacks from both the left and the right. Obama’s fourth Kidney coverage plan, KCC-IV, is meeting with similar scrutiny. 

To change the subject a bit, next week the Obama Administration plans to unveil a tax rebate program whereby every qualified American is entitled to a one-time $150,000 tax refund. Indications are, however, that it’s only available to those Americans who haven’t paid any income taxes at all since 1929.  Thus far, only Al Capone would actually be eligible for the program. 

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