Tweet Tower—According to custodial historians, The White House’s septic system has functioned exceptionally well since Howard Taft hosted an ill-fated Roman banquet and treasure bath in the summer of 1912. Over the last two plus years, however, the sheer amount of bullshit, or what pundits are calling Foxal Matter, has surpassed the historic site’s maximum crapacity.

President Trump tweeted, “I make boom boom on purpose!! I wanted to break this shit so we could have gold toilets and totally redo the bathrooms, Taj Mahal style. I was going to get that Simpson kid to do it with an M-80, but if you want something done right… I wouldn’t have even had to, but Nancy said she wasn’t going to fund anything unless it was totally plugged. Then I thought “executive order!” Then I thought, “why not call Joe the Plumber?!! He likes me.” This is an old place and everyone knows for resale value you look at the bathrooms and the kitchens. When I sell this shit-hole back to Mr. Low Energy or Pocahontas, I want to make a hefty profit. It’s kind of what I poo—I mean, do.”