PETA Rebuttal: All U.S. Beef from Free-Range Cattle

L. Wolfe

PETA has argued for years people should boycott meat, especially beef, because of the widespread inhumane treatment of the cattle.  These animals are allegedly caged or housed in overcrowded, dirty holding pens for their entire lives, much like Discord staffers.  I recently interviewed Angus Fleischflanker of regarding allegations made by PETA.  The following is an actual transcript from that actual interview that actually happened sometime in the actual past:

L. Wolfe: In your recent PETA rebuttal, you have indicated that all beef cattle in the U.S. are actually free range animals, and that these allegations by are simply another in a long line of misinformation, slander, and frivolous nudity to gain publicity.

Fleischflanker: Yeah, that’s right.  We categorically deny all of these false accusations and condemn such slander in the strongest possible terms, especially the nudity part.  We here at are proud of the product we provide to the American people, and we care for our animals.  That includes the 36 million we humanely and lovingly put down each year to serve our customers, the American people. 

L. Wolfe: What’s one example of your ethical treatment of these animals?

Fleischflanker: For starters, we give each one a name, and that shows how much we care.

L. Wolfe: You give each of the 36 million cows a name?

Fleischflanker:  Yes.  For instance, that one over there is eighteen-thousand-six-hundred-forty-five.  And this little one here is two-hundred-sixty-thousand-fourteen.

L. Wolfe: Oh yes, I see, and they each have their own little ear tags with their names printed right on them.

Fleischflanker: Yes, we spared no expense.

L. Wolfe: And how about this “free-range” issue?  You indicated previously all U.S. Cattle are free range?  I’m looking over this herd behind us and their pretty tightly packed from the looks of things.

Fleischflanker:  Sure, to the casual observer.  But look, there’s plenty of room underneath and around the legs (points).

L. Wolfe:  But are they truly free range?

Fleischflanker: Yes, our animals are all free range animals.  It’s just that their ranges are very small, comparatively speaking.

L. Wolfe:  There’s always been plenty of concern about meat plants in general.  If you had to cite one thing where you feel the meat industry could improve, what would that be?

Fleischflanker: Umm, I guess the name “meat plant” is somewhat contradictory. 

L. Wolfe:  …like an oxymoron?

Fleischflanker: No, I don’t like it at all, really…but no reason to resortin’ to name calling. 

Suffice to say, the interview went downhill from there. For me, as a journalist, it was kind of like being in Egypt and I was Anderson Cooper’s face.  Of course, there were no pyramids but lots of free range humpless camels everywhere.  Winslow really doesn’t pay us enough for this manure.

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