Republicans Speak from Two Places, Ideology or Their Asses

Republicans Speak from Two Places, Ideology or Their Asses
Mick Zano

In hindsight, comparing John Boehner to Don Quixote isn’t very fair to Mr. Quixote. But what’s the GOP attacking now? Why are they so afraid? Even when they aren’t in power, they’re the story….a sad, sad story, yet an ever-evolving one, or in their case devolving. Look, don’t fear a reasonable amount of competence…it’s INcompetence you want to avoid. See how easy that was? Now you try to think of…just kidding, like that would ever happen.

The GOP’s premise that saying whatever the hell you want and having people cheer is not going to play out horribly well in the general election. If Rick Santorum says he hates Abraham Lincoln because he appeased the Klingons along the Neutral Zone during the Boer War, people are going to fact check that shit. For example, Lincoln appeased the Romulans, not the Klingons (Trekipedia). So put that in your sweater vest and smoke it, or your smoking jacket and sweater it.

Regardless, whoever gets the nod, Fox News will immediately try to create reality around their candidate, like Sarah I’m-Warning-the-British Palin and Michelle Jefferson-Freed-the-Slaves Bachmann. But you can’t create candidates this stupid and expect to get anywhere…or can you?

“Obama’s support among white men has slipped from 41% to 36%, with the drop being attributed to men without a college degree.”

—Lihat Terjemahan

Keep defunding education; it’s your only hope. Then, after 425 more debates, maybe you’ll end up with Rick Man-on-Dog Santorum. Someone recently said Santorum would be an impressive figure in the 1800s. I think that’s offensive to people from that era.

But the growing chorus of people coming around to my way of thinking gives me some small comfort:

“The GOP’s once credible attacks on the president’s record have morphed into an incredible attack on the country’s intelligence. That change is reflected by Obama’s double-digit lead over the GOP field. Sometimes it seems as if Santorum and the others are content with pushing each other closer and closer to the edge of idiocy because that’s easier than pushing ideas to convince voters they’re the best person for the job.”

—LZ Grandersen, CNN

So I get this email from a Republican friend of mine, apparently the word “dhimmitude” is written somewhere into Obama’s new healthcare law. The email said it’s designed to exempt Muslims from paying for Obamacare. Of course, the email said ‘please pass on and scare the shit out of your already paranoid friends and relatives.’ The email seemed scary, for sure, but I wrestled with even looking up the damn thing. I’m so sick of fact-checking some right wing moron, but alas…


Dhimmitude (according to them it is in the bill):

However, “The overwhelming majority of them are explicitly Anabaptist — that is, Mennonite, Amish or Hutterite. Those that don’t specify their denomination are still explicitly Christian. Having gone through the list, we can say with certainty that no Muslim group, and indeed no non-Christian group, has ever qualified for an exemption under the statute used to define exempt religious groups in the health care law.”

So I came up with my own, much better definition of Dhimmitude:

“A force countering the natural propensity of a society to become more intelligent (otherwise known as the Flynn Effect) through endless inaccuracies perpetuated by the early twenty-first century U.S. Conservative Party. This group, in essence, is hindering the naturally occurring cognitive acceleration of the entire species, making the world just a little dumber one Hannity episode at a time.”

There, that’s better. Now for homework please use the word in a sentence.

Geesh, you people are like the pundits who cried wolf. Henny Penny the pipeline is falling. Someday you’re going to uncover something real, or, worse yet, you already have, and everyone is going to blow it off when they consider the source. I know I will. For many, many years Republicans have been doing a huge disservice to reality. And they don’t even have to live here anymore! They can just visit now and again to check on their house plants and then climb back into their neococoon.

It’s like any other time when the right seems to be making a valid point, I make the terrible, terrible mistake of researching it (never do this). It’s astounding how little of what they say is based on anything but horse shit. Perhaps they represent the missing dark matter in physics? Hmmm. I believe that’s from the Theory of Smellitivity, which also states nothing in the Universe can lie faster than the speed of Right.

Please get some people with a clue on your side, because this is getting ridiculous…or, hey, let’s talk about Obama’s birth certificate again. I’ll clear my schedule…and my brain.

And don’t hate Gingrich, Santorum and Limbaugh, you are the party of Gingrich, Santorum and Limbaugh. You all deserve each other. This has been my clarion call for years. I gave Keith Olbermann a considerable amount of shit when he went uber-liberal, so did a lot of other people, and he’s gone…meanwhile, the Right embraces and promotes the suckage. A Dan Rather on the right would not resign in disgrace, but would inherent Murdoch’s empire. The fruits of your labor can be seen during this wonderful primary season. Oh, wait, you don’t like fruits. Scratch that.

Over the years, you haven’t been remotely interested in policing yourselves, and math? Naaaah. Math leads to socialism. So you made your bed, keep lying in it. In fact, get a room with some animals, midgets, harnesses, maybe some scuba equipment, and all those other things you’re repressing in the name of real American values, and have at it.

The scant few valid points the Foxeteers actually have tend to be issues I agree with Obama on. There are a few distinct differences between R and D; these are why we hold elections. For instance, the Right is making a big deal about the Keystone Pipeline. Obama really did vote this down. This is based on reality…whew, I knew reality would creep into this conversation sooner or later. Okay, I really didn’t, but I was kind of hoping…

But, instead of moving toward real solutions for our energy problems, the GOP fixates on temporary band aids in an effort to jury rig this psychopathic, oil-owned system of ours. Should we have done this pipe-whatsas? From my reading, it looked like a mixed bag—a measly 800,000 gallons a day of the dirtiest of the dirtiest (at best). Meanwhile, the Occupy Movement is really starting to focus on long term sustainable systems for our future. I heard some great things on a recent Coast to Coast show on their last summit and some new ground rules from another source here. Not that it will likely mean anything anytime soon, but I appreciate their sentiment. Meanwhile, the Right takes their marching orders from Exxon Mobile…well, I don’t.

“I do what I want!!!”


Apparently, gas prices are going to have to climb much higher before we start taking alternative energy seriously. It didn’t have to be that way, but you’ve been missing every memo on the subject of sustainable energy for, oh, about four decades now, so tough shit.

Also, after an exhaustive study conducted on approximately 1,400 professors across the nation, it found that college professors are slightly more conservative than the general population…NOT more liberal. Just add that to the long list of the GOP’s false assumptions, which now, if listed end-to-end, would reach from one end of Newt Gingrich’s ego to the other (okay, that’s an exaggeration). At this point, it’s really safe to say their entire world view is delusional—next to nothing pans out under the microscope, or even under the basement light bulb on a string.

I would have actually guessed more professors would be liberal as that’s part of the consciousness spiral, but, either way, is that the focus of each and every class? Is there really some diabolical coordinated plot? Did we all just pay our tuition fees each semester for some Loraxian-style brainwashing? “I am Dr. Lorax, I speak for the Ds.” I think I do remember him, actually…short guy, big moustache. And, I have to admit, I enjoyed taking Hollywood Celebrity Causes 101 and Advanced Sorosology as much as the next guy.

Face it, Matt Drudge combs the country for examples of this phenomenon and he comes up with about one a month. Frankly, there’s probably more teachers boinking their students than liberalizing them. Drudge, meanwhile, Cherry picks a whole host of headlines designed to anger and misinform the already angry and misinformed. Good work if you can get it. In fact, let’s look at The Drudge today: gun sales are up because people are frightened of Obama’s re-election.

Hmmmm. Soooo you’re all scared during this steady, albeit slow, recovery phase, but you weren’t scared during the whole….horrible decisions that led to …… catastrophic……… global…….. What the fuck is wrong with you people?!

I know, you’re worried about spending. So let’s end all of the Right’s unfunded policies, today. No? Congress got your tongue? Oh, I get it, you’re worried Obama is going to take away your gun rights, because clearly—no, I’m being told there’s no evidence for that either. Wow. Let’s go back to the bullshit about all higher education is liberal brain washing. I feel we’re on stronger ground there…and by stronger ground, I’m envisioning the lightening sand from the Fire Swamp.

For homework, please review the three dangers of the Fire Swamp and pay particular attention to the R.O.U.Ss, the Republicans Of Unusual Size. It might explain Newt’s head and solar system sized ego.

To bring this tangential point home, I have six years of higher education under my belt and never remember one liberal rant at a lecture. But those who have never set foot in a classroom are all convinced otherwise. And sorry Sean Hannity, but dumb should not be the new smart. That’s just fucking dumb.

I also believe the Right’s version of religion, namely fundamentalism, is not based on a deep metaphysical understanding of the cosmos, but of a collective arrested development (CAD). Check out my related article here. Yes, in almost every category I find these folks increasingly laughable. Yet they remain dead serious in their struggle to unthink their way to freedom and economic stability via a culture war of their own creation. Good luck with that.

The culture war can be summed up thusly: the people crying the loudest are actually more prone to impose their beliefs on others, than vice versa. For example, my decision to not own a dog will never affect you, but your decision may get me bitten, or keep me up all night, or force me to clean shit from my lawn. I don’t know where this analogy is going, but I feel similarly about Republicans. And I better not catch you shitting on my lawn again Limbaugh! I set up cameras!

What we do know is Fox News has an ongoing and very effective propaganda campaign that has convinced almost half the country of a whole laundry list of mistruths. That’s a fact…unlike the things you tend to cite in your articles, namely falsehoods. Our comedians, the real journalists today, have uncovered the internal memo machine over at Fox News here. The problem remains: half of the population already knows this and the other half supports it anyway.

I will continue to try to find any valid points or arguments from the Right. They must exist! They must! At this time, I would like to give a free pass to those few Ron-ulans out there (not to be confused with the Klingons). I think Ron Paul’s followers represent a distinctive third party mentality that should be nurtured and supported. They have figured out the Republican version of empire is certainly a large part of how we got here. Unfortunately, some of Ron Paul’s ilk remain enmeshed with the Tea Party, a faction of our society almost completely devoid of merit. Some are also prone to bouts of Foxeteerinism, a treatable condition, which can be countered by simply introducing a steady diet of facts into your normal daily news regiment. Let’s find real reasons to hate Obama, not make them up. I’m looking for them too and if you would just zip it long enough, I just might find some.

Ron Paul is a genuine and consistent candidate (as I have said for about a decade) and IF he’s being booted from the election illegally, which may well be true, then we no longer live in a Democracy. The Right should cover this story. It could be HUGE! I’ll just hold my breath on that one….

How about a wager? I think the Ron Paul being excluded from the Democratic race has more merit than nine out of ten of your “scandals”. There’s no info on it and no one is covering it. This is just a hunch, but my hunches have thus far proven much more accurate than your “facts”.

You see, Ron Paul getting the Democratic shaft may actually pan out, so it’s of no interest to a Foxeteer. To them real scandals are passé in their fairyland of unicorns and pixie dust. Oh wait, they hate fairies. Scratch that.

The Republican Party isn’t tearing itself apart; there’s nothing to tear apart. They’re a joke, hewn into the rock-solid-likeness of Sean JustSplicing-in-Some-Footage Hannity, through the tried and true Chisel of Misinformation.

Oh, and by the way, I wrote a scroller joke on this site the day the contraceptive scandal broke, basically saying: well, I haven’t really looked into this yet, but if Fox News is up in arms about it, it’s probably bullshit. Well, the evangelical overreach is backfiring right on cue and Obama actually got the resulting bump from female voters. Any other bullshit scandals, folks? Then maybe we can just skip the election entirely and just pull a Putin.

The GOP is only united in their hatred for Obama. I may or may not vote for Obama next round. I have wanted a truly third party to emerge for a long time. But I’ll tell you who I won’t vote for…a group who prefers a depression over a recession, an incompetent foreign policy over a competent one, and stupidity over brains. The GOP is a group feverishly defending the very policies that got us here. If that’s not enough, they want to embroil us in another war with Iran, regardless if there are other viable options remaining. Can you imagine what the world would look like or what our economy would look like after this next Clusterfuck to Freedom? Well, it will go smoother if Obama handles it. He tends to do these things cheaper and more effectively, you know, as translated by Fox News 0 for 2.

The Republicans don’t like chess, they want to play checkers. None of that thinking three moves ahead crap, that’s for those elite European socialist types. We have bombs, drop em’! Oh, and King Me, bitch! What?….they can only move diagonally? Shit.

Now shhhh. Let Obama think. Unlike your candidates, he still has that in his arsenal. Besides, your handy work in Iraq is still lingering in the air, like the flatulent turd ball that is the GOP.

For homework, please work flatulent turd ball into a complete sentence.

(Visited 77 times, 1 visits today)
Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.