Spirituality & Enlightenment

Spirituality & Enlightenment

Ask the Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am focusing on raising my level of consciousness and bringing about an inner spiritual transformation. If I understand your concept of the Fifth Way, one should drink liquor often.  My wife left me and the only inner transformation thus far is one hell of a bleeding ulcer.

Wayne LeRoy

Garfield, NJ

Dear Wayne,

Good riddance to the bitch.  See?  You are already free to liver your dreams. You are starting to awaken.  Through a deep magic (and mixers) an inner transformation will change everything!  Except toilet paper; that is always a manual job.

The Ghetto Shaman

The Good Opinions of Others

For Lent I gave up fast food, and ejaculating, of course.

I haven’t slept in days, but I meditate. The energy builds and circulates throughout my entire body. I then walk to the park to practice T’ai Chi Ch’uan while the energy spirals up my spine.

I wander to Washington Boulevard and cut through the alley without purpose or destination.  I have no money; my psyche hangs on one theme: women.

Identity dissolves as hidden shadow-self resolves; the nervous system evolves to tune into the frequencies beyond the social games.

Maslow suggested that a self-actualized individual had no concern for the good opinions of others. The real test of this self-actualization would be to spend a long period of time inside a classy establishment without any money.

“I’ll have another water, please.”

The feeling of shame often presses upon the terminally broke (TB), that is, those without deodorant, mouthwash, social skills, and those who have no desire to hold in their gut wrenching farts (GWFs). But we still crave cultural happenings, or at least the well ventilated ones.

I count my quarters, dimes, nickels, and even pennies ($4.34). Money is time. This will buy me one pint at the brewpub. That should last me 45 minutes, depending on how warm I’m willing to tolerate my beer. I could buy a coffee with refills at the coffee shop. That would last until it closes at ten o’clock. I wander to the library. Maybe I can create a community hot spot that’s both cool and free, maybe even this time without police involvement.

Enlightened individuals will never concern themselves with the good opinions of others (god, I hope people like this article). This is a crucial realization and necessary for the dynamic cultural experiences that we wish to stimulate (mmmm, stimulate).  Neither do the degenerates concern themselves with the good opinions of others. After all, social establishments have certain etiquette and rules. What’s the difference between an enlightened individual and a degenerate? The enlightened have transcended social etiquette, while the degenerates have brazenly dismantled it.

At Starbucks, five sophisticated sounding women discuss ‘sexual politics’ and Hillary Clinton. Another group enters, a young red-head accompanied by her elderly parents. I sink into the soft sofa and stare at the young woman’s breasts. I feel her family’s discomfort but my wild hunger consumes concerns of polite restraints.

“You’re so rude,” the women says.

Rude?  Mwaah? I’m a poet of the highest order. I’m a prophet preacher from another planet.  I’m Rick James, bitch!

Too much realization is more than most people can socially endure.

The subconscious psychic masses gang-up against the outsider deemed weird, wrong, or inappropriate. Free-range farting at church (FRFAC) brings with it social shame that the group presses upon us.  In order for the shame to be effective, the individual must accept the social contract. Shame is NOT merely an internally generated phenomenon. Others must convince a person to accept shame. It’s a heavily conditioned socialized agreement. Some people refuse to play this game. These people are called ‘rude.’

Some anti-social activity is so controversial that laws are passed and physical force is used to restrain and punish people who break these laws.   Sex with minors, illegal drug use, and public drunkenness, or the Friday night special, as I call it, are all examples of social behaviors for which an individual will be prosecuted.

Not all outcasts drift beyond the law. During its formation, Christianity cast out Gnostics for their heretical interpretations, those tit staring freaks.  It could be argued that the very roots of Christianity are repressed and trapped inside the prison of literalistic dogma.

There is social tension inflicted upon those who have no reference point of identity in social situations. For example, standing alone in the middle of a crowded restaurant can bring discomfort, believe me. Standing alone naked in the middle of a crowded restaurant can bring even more discomfort, believe me.

That man was staring at my tits, officer!  They never take my side, ever.

I’m destined to unite individual enlightenment with cultural dynamics. In our age of scientism and materialism, we outcastes rebel beyond the mainstream, scientific, fact-finding, fatalistic deconstruction of the cosmos. Shadow assumptions of purposeless poison the veins of genetics, psychiatry, and medicine.

The direct experience of the blinding ‘One Mind’ blows the top off any coffee shop, bar, or strip club.  Me? I like blowing the tops off at strip clubs.  I’m looking for that coffee shop that serves psilocybin smoothies and acid-cool-aid spritzers with an atmosphere like the first scene from Clockwork Orange.

I know that women sometimes feel uncomfortable when I stare, but it sure beats my more violent rendition of “Singing in the Rain”.

Colin Wilson tells us the promise of sex is never fulfilled by the act of sex itself.

Ken Wilber said that, “Nobody can ever get enough of what they really don’t want.”

And Jim Blob said, “I’m celibate by choice.”

Sex is but a tool for charging, expanding, and exploding into higher frequencies of love, joy, and ecstasy.

For six weeks I’ve retained my semen, boiling her basal juices into pure energy blowing my mind and soul into the higher spheres.

I’ve now been psychically barred from every social establishment in town, every establishment, that is, except Dunkin’ Donuts.

I guess it’s that time, time to start eating my last few mushrooms.

“I’ll have two chocolate donuts and a flying unicorn, please.”

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I recently paid Pay Pal for one of your on-line ‘classes’ on Long Distance Healing.  I am physically very ill and money is tight.  To pay you over a hundred dollars, that I didn’t have, just to tell me to switch from Alltel to Verizon?!  There are peoples’ lives at stake here, you low life, bastard!

Phil Bower

Gilroy, CA

Dear Phil,

Don’t speak. I know just what you’re saying so please stop explaining. Don’t tell me ’cause it hurts

…Really, dude, just shut the hell up.  The family plan on Verizon is much cheaper than the one you use.  You could use that savings to drink yourself to death.  Just a thought.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Enlightenment seems such a mystery to me. The ego must be strong before it is destroyed? Striving for enlightenment is a barrier to enlightenment itself? There are so many ‘sound of one hand clapping’ type paradoxes that the main point keeps eluding me.

Dedra Farley

Tempe, AZ

Dear Dedra,

Very true, Dedra. At the heart of Zen are confounding paradoxes designed to help focus the mind. For example, to the untrained eye, even I myself may appear like an addicted amoral opportunistic, criminal-minded type, but in actuality, er……all right, bad example.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

In your book The Enlightened Mind on Crack at the end of the chapter entitled The Tao of Skull Fucking, what exactly are the Booty Sutras? I can not find any references to them anywhere.

Elsa Potter

Salinas, CA

Dear Elsa,

I don’t even remember that book. I was on crack; what part of that don’t you understand, Elsa?

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book Lost Mojitos of Mesoamerica and, first off, what the heck is an Aikido Hummer?  Second, you say that you have a strong affinity for the Hopi Indians, yet you condone some very antithethical views such as secret prisons, enhanced interrogation techniques, and even torture.

Ellen Frazier

Billings, Mt

Dear Ellen,

Torture? You are confusing information from my chapter on ‘things I like to do to women’.  The Hopi have influenced my work in other ways. For instance, their peyote is primo.  Oh, and an Aikido Hummer should never be tried outside of one of my Midget Reiki sessions.  I make people sign a waiver and everything.  It’s the everything part that usually results in therapy.

Hopi this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book Happy Hour Healer: A Shaman’s Ale and I must admit to some confusion.  I normally like stream of consciousness stuff, but what is Midget Reiki, who exactly are the Jersey Chuds, and why do you spend weeks at a time in a bar room toilet trying to contact the Malt Liquor Gods?

Sincerely,

Michael Raney

Hagerstown, MD

Dear Michael,

Indeed, I call that style Manic-Binge writing.

First off, Midget Reiki is only for the adept.  A better place to start would be at one of my Yoga Parties. Yo-ga!  Yo-ga!

The Jersey Chuds are minions of the Chaos Pigeons; those feathery adversaries to all that is sacred.   Mick Zano and Dr. Sterling Hogbein have written extensively about them. I would recommend their works, but, as a rule I only plug my own books.

As for your third question: a Shaman’s job is to become in-tune with energies constantly percolating on the energetic plane and then alter those energies prior to their manifestation back here on the earthly plane.  I drink malt liquor products and frequent the men’s room in hopes of one day harnessing the energy of the sacred beer fart (See Fartori Experience). I believe these energies will one day power the unfolding Universe itself.  Pokey McDooris is single-colonly pushing this particular boundary.  What he can do with a burrito and forty ounces of Big Jug Xtra Malt Liquor is legendary.

Hope this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I just read your book entitled Open Your Body, Mind, and Wallet and let me say this, sir: spirit guides are not pubcrawl organizers, there is no such thing as a double-vision quest, and soul extractions have nothing to do with removing one’s shoe from another person’s ass.  You are a drunk and a charlatan, sir!

Jay Compiretti

Haymarket, VA

Dear Jay,

Go back and read the chapter on ‘open your mind’ again.  I think somebody skipped that part. What we attack in others are really characteristics we do not like about our selves.  Remember the old saying…I am rubber, you’re a dick.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I heard through the grapevine you were in a fire of some sort?  Are you OK?

Stanley Milton

Harrisburg, PA

Dear Stanley,

No big deal.  I made a slight alchemical miscalculation and my crystal yoga lab exploded.  Luckily, I was wearing my girlfriend at the time. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read somewhere that people can smoke dung?   What’s this all about?

Sincerely,

Jack Tibolla

South Bend, Indiana

Dear Carl,

At times I have not had shit to smoke—beyond that it is sensationalism.

The Ghetto Shaman