The following is a real account of the incredible events that occurred on October 17^th. These two vaguely-adult-like individuals, Mick Zano and Cokie McGrath, don’t agree on what exactly transpired after their “Occupy Wal-Mart” protest in nearby Cottonwood. Each insists their version of this hike-gone-horribly-wrong is the correct one. We’ll let you decide. The fact both of these intrepid explorers survived this ordeal is a testament to…who cares? But it’s really funny to laugh at them during this classic he said, she said. Enjoy.

Cokie McGrath: After we occupied Wal-Mart, I wanted to hike Bear Mountain, but girly man Mick would have none of it.

Mick Zano: Cokie is not the first person you think should lead an expedition into the unknown—Sherpa, or pack mule comes to mind. I wanted to do something safe and easy, not too far from the microbrewery.

Cokie McGrath: Zano suggested Soldiers Pass to get some shots of a burn area for a future Discord project he’s working on. Did you know they make some of this shit up here at the Discord? Zano is a girly man…now that part’s real.

Mick Zano: I only agreed to Soldiers Pass when you said it was an easy, well-marked, three mile loop. Ummm, it’s actually more of a straight line to certain death. Geometry is a wonderful thing, but Cokie apparently missed that day.

Cokie McGrath: Listen Pythagoras, we actually went in a semicircle which is halfway to a loop.

Mick Zano: Only because we got off Soldiers Pass and took Brins Mesa. Remember? When I said, “Hey, we’re off the trail and heading the wrong way!”

Cokie McGrath: I vaguely remember that. But I had been on this trail before. I predicted accurately when it would meet up with the road again. Did I not? Oh, and we did eventually loop back, just a much bigger loop than was originally intended. You just complain too much, Mr. Sassy Pants.

Mick Zano: Yeah, you made fun of me for going: ummm, we’re walking into the wrong canyon, umm, it’s getting dark, ummm, we’re out of water, umm, why are those animals surrounding us?

Cokie McGrath: Yeah…it’s like I said, you complain too much, Mr. Sassy Pants.

Mick Zano:  So…when all of those things later became dire—

Cokie McGrath: You were the one who started poking the bushes for that snake. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen anyone do in nature…no wait, you’re always doing stupid things.

Mick Zano: Like letting you lead us to our doom?

Picture taken somewhere on Soldier’s Pass (we think) near (gulp) sundown.

Cokie McGrath: Yeah, like what were you thinking? What part of, ‘I don’t have any sense of direction’ didn’t you understand, Mr. Zano? Besides, I knew where we were, sort of, and just because, God forbid, you get a little more exercise…

Mick Zano: A little more? You were the one skipping off in the wrong direction. She really skips, by the way. Oh, and when we finally reached the road, at dusk, three hours into our hike, you didn’t even want to ask the little old ladies by the trailhead where we were.

Cokie McGrath: Don’t be so dramatic. I knew we had to go right to get back to the car.

Mick Zano: Yeah, one town over to the right! The women explained, because I asked them, “Soldiers Pass? That’s in West Sedona. You’re in downtown Sedona…you’re like four miles away.” This moment is when the sun officially set on our friendship.

Cokie McGrath: What a baby and, by the way, I asked them for directions, not you. Besides, we wanted to go for sushi and where did we end up? Right by a sushi bar…Yum!

Mick Zano: You were going to earn your sushi by safely getting us back to the vehicle. We were now actually further from the vehicle than when we started the hike, sometime yesterday.

Cokie McGrath: Settle down there, grumpy face. Did I mention how great the sushi tasted? Oh, and who’s the one who got the directions from the waiter?

Mick Zano: So what? I knew how to get back from the restaurant. I know roads and you’re the one who knows…you don’t know anything.

Cokie McGrath: Then why did you point in the wrong direction when you were talking to the waiter, like the exact opposite way to 89A? And then the waiter brings out a map and draws a dotted line from the sushi bar to our car. Remember that? And then what did you do with the map that the nice man drew for us?

Mick Zano: I left it on the table. That’s true, but I didn’t need the damn map. I said I could get us to Soldiers Pass Road, but wasn’t sure about the trailhead (I had only been there today). Then, if you remember, I suggested we take a taxi to the trailhead.

Cokie McGrath: A taxi? Yeah, why don’t you call Bald Tony to come save you?

Mick Zano: He prefers to be called ‘Vegas Great’ Bald Tony.

Cokie McGrath: What-ev. You don’t call taxis on hikes.

Mick Zano: You do on the ones you lead. My point being, we have no flashlights and it’s going to be pitch black out on Soldiers Pass. By the way, you told me not to bring the Cosmic Ray trail guide, because “this trail is so easy.”

Cokie McGrath: Actually, you forgot the trail guide and wanted to walk back to the car to get it.

Mick Zano: Yeah, well you forgot your phone that has the GPS on it.

Cokie McGrath: Yeah, well, you would still have your Blackberry if you didn’t get demoted.

Mick Zano: It was a “lateral” move.

Cokie McGrath: Yeah, in the same way this hike is a loop.

Mick Zano: So you admit it’s not a loop?

Cokie McGrath: Why would I even bring my GPS thing into the forest?

Mick Zano: Because you always get us deep in the woods, at least metaphorically.

Cokie McGrath: Where would I even put it in my hiking outfit?

Mick Zano: I’ll give you one suggestion…

Cokie McGrath: Face it, girly man, this is part of the hike. We need to whip you into shape for Supai.

Mick Zano: Part of the hike? Walking between Sedona and W. Sedona’s business districts on a Sunday night is part of the hike?

Cokie McGrath: Did I mention you’re a girly man?

Mick Zano: Yes. You have actually.

[Then we walked through town, where I got my revenge by pretending we were on the wrong road.]

Cokie McGrath: That was mean.

Mick Zano: No, it was funny. You weren’t even mildly concerned when we were hopelessly lost up in the wilderness, but two blocks from the car, on a main thoroughfare, and you’re scared shitless.

Cokie McGrath: I wouldn’t say shitless. I told you I don’t have any sense of direction, especially at night.

Mick Zano: You should have stopped at the word sense…

Cokie McGrath: Funny.

Mick Zano: So then we passed the Best Western and I said, let’s ask at reception if they know exactly where the trailhead is.

Cokie McGrath: You said that waaaay after we passed the hotel. You said, ‘we should have stopped to ask’ long after that ship had sailed, buddy.

[So we get way out on Soldiers Pass Road and Cokie becomes convinced we missed the turn.] 

Cokie McGrath: It was dark.

Mick Zano: Thus, my taxi suggestion.

Cokie McGrath: You say a lot of things that I don’t really listen to. Does this surprise you?

Mick Zano: I told you we had to get closer to that big mountain. So now I’m wandering around by my cell phone light, hitting my automatic clicker to see if my headlights come on, in an area that turned out to be nowhere near my car. Oh, and my cell phone battery was dying.

Cokie McGrath: Yeah, that was kind of funny—in an OMG I’m never hiking with this moron again kind of way.

Mick Zano: Me?! I don’t think there’s enough pot in Seattle to make anyone think this is anything but your fault.

Cokie McGrath: We found the car, didn’t we?

Mick Zano: Yeah, but not before I had to call my wife and have her Google Soldiers Pass on her Kindle.  “Honey, can you tell me where I am? It’s dark.”

Cokie McGrath: She’s going to like me even less now, isn’t she?

Mick Zano: Not possible.

Cokie McGrath: Hey, Mister, I’m the one who saved us by asking that lady in her front yard for directions.

Mick Zano: Yeah, and she said we still needed to go further, like I said. You turned a three mile hike into a nine mile hike…nine miles! And I have weak constitutions.

Cokie McGrath: What does that even mean?

Mick Zano: I don’t know.

Cokie McGrath: Buck up little camper So are we still going to hike down into Supai next week?

Mick Zano: How about we do half of Fat Man’s Loop and then get a beer?

Cokie McGrath: You’re such a girly man.

Mick Zano: I believe we’ve established that.

This picture, taken before the hike, actually sums things up nicely. Full circle…like a loop.

Not many folks realize there is a Chinatown in Las Vegas. In fact, I was a local for nearly five years before I even found it…and it’s huge! I moved here in the year of the rabbit and didn’t find Chinatown until the year of the flipping ox. You see, Las Vegas Blvd runs north-south, dividing the city east-west, and I have always been an eastsider. Among locals, crossing LVB to go to the other side, whichever side that is, is generally considered unnecessary, stupid, and in some cases criminal.

Sin City’s homage to the Far East lies a couple miles west of Treasure Island, and while there are many amazing Asian restaurants and women on the Strip, it is worth the rickshaw ride to this Oriental oasis. This is a very authentic area as Mick Zano and I are typically the only round eyed English-speaking patrons (REESPs) in any given establishment. My goal is to visit every restaurant, tea house, sake joint, and massage parlor in Chinatown. So far I’ve been to three…actually, I’ve been to about fifteen. I keep setting out for a new place and I usually end up at Little Saigon. It’s like a tempura-flavored Twilight Zone episode. On a cold desert day, when the temperature plummets to the eighties, there’s nothing better than a big bowl of Pho. While Little Saigon is our favorite Pho place, we did try a different place, BOSA 1, for other Vietnamese cuisine, and were thrilled with our #12s, mine with noodles and Zano’s with rice.

We’re new to this reviewing food thing, so we forgot to take the picture before we ate. Mmmm refuse.  On an unrelated note, look for our joint business venture, a combination Pho house and billiard hall named…wait for it…PhoCue.

About one mile east of the now shuttered Sahara Hotel & Casino, nowhere near Chinatown, is arguably the best Thai place this side of Bangkok, Lotus of Siam. Zano loves the place. I’ve never seen anyone actually get drunk from Drunken Noodles before, but leave it to Mick. It’s really a shame he’s not allowed back.

…YOU GO NOW!!!!

There’s also Cathay House restaurant in Chinatown. The place is so good it was starting to cut into the profits over at The Palms Hotel & Casino as numerous patrons would brave the $10 cab fare to head Cathayward, even though there are several restaurants in The Palms, including the Asian fusion and sushi place, Little Buddha. Palms owner, George Maloof, finally decided enough is enough and had the folks from the Cathay House build a second Cathay House in The Palms 24/7 coffee shop. Yes, it is a restaurant within a restaurant, like a fortune in a cookie. HHe even managed to shanghai some of the Cathay House employees as well. I guess You Stay Now! is his variation of my joke. I approve, by the way, because this place is dim-sum kind of wonderful!

Believe it or not, there’s also a vegan donut shop in Chinatown, Ronald’s Donuts. Somewhere between Sapporo beers and happy ending massages, Zano and I were not in the market for donuts, but vegan? We had to try. They were quite good, and healthy….well, healthier. We even met Ronald, and we’re pretty sure Ronald is not Ronalds’ birth name.

On a semi-related note, I went to a reflexology spa in Chinatown that greatly relaxed me. This massage practice relieves a lot of tension and stress (great after a Zano visit). These places allegedly can help to rejuvenate any given organ/body part through a hand manipulation technique applied to your feet. This ties in nicely with one of my fetishes, two if you count the cute Oriental reflexologist. I tipped her well.

The most important thing to know about Chinatown is they have their own SPAM (Specially Prepared Asian Meat). This is also great in sushi…well, sushi you want to use to purge your system.

I love the food in Chinatown but I am often taken aback, sometimes literally, by the low tide smell that greets my nostrils at all of the area international food markets.

One of the few skills Zano is superior to me is chopstick use. I have two left thumbs which makes me chopstick challenged. In fact, I would need a dozen promotions to get to be an idiot with chopsticks. Does anyone have a copy of Chopsticks for Dummies you can lend me? Thankfully, the restaurants in Chinatown realize there are many with the same affliction, and provide silverware. I feel like I’m riding a bike with training wheels when I use silverware at Kung Fu Plaza, but I’d rather feel that way than not eat there. Good thing they’re open 24 hours since it took a week for me to finish my soup with a fork.

Many places in Chinatown are old world and only accept cash, so don’t bring Mick I-left-my-wallet-at-McMullan’s Zano. In fact, let us never speak of him again.

YOU GO NOW!!!

Sedona, AZ—Before I start making fun of the Red Rock Café, I have to say I am a fan of this joint. It’s my favorite coffee shop in this neck of the cacti.  Their Americano is in the zone and, frankly, that’s all that matters.  However, I really need to point out a huge flaw in this establishment’s architectural and ambiancical prowess.  Yes, ambiancical is a word.  I believe the root word, biancical, means of or like Beyoncé.

I only have one bone to pick today (other than Alex).  The Red Rock Café is located just south of Bell Rock on 89A and is actually in Oak Creek—that’s if you want to get technical, which I don’t…so it’s Sedona. Keep in mind, most of Sedona, including this area, is very important to any number of Native American tribes.  This is sacred land, a region revered by many of our native inhabitants.  It’s an area that arguably should never have been built upon in the first place, like Newark.  But, as a coffee enthusiast, I’m all about pissing off the Great Spirit and the horse he rode in on.  Especially if there’s a good grind or a good brew in it for me.  AKA, that’s not what’s pissing me off.  Take a look at this:

This is the view from the front window of the coffee shop.  In fact, this is where I’m sitting today to write this desert gem.  A person might say, “Hey, nice view.”  But that person would not be from Sedona.  You see, for red rock country this is actually a sad excuse for a vista.  It rates rather poorly on the Sedona scenery scale.  Essentially this is a view of the arm pit of Sedona.  Luckily, it’s Arrid extra dry.  Sorry, edit that one out, Winslow.

So there’s a bathroom located on the north side of the building.  It’s one of those locked versions, the kind you need to go to the counter lady to get the key—where it’s invariably dangling off some large clunky thing—which is why I just pee on the door.  Anyway, the north side of the building only has this bathroom and not much else.   Oh, and remember to step over the yellow puddle on the way in.

So to my point…which I have arrived at quicker than most of my points, so stop yer bitching.  The picture at left is the view from the rest rooms, seriously.  Come to think of it, I don’t know why I face the door when I pee.  Would that constitute an epiphapee?  Edit that one out too, Winslow.

As I’ve already eluded, there’s no windows or businesses anywhere near the northeastern side of the building.  Now, I don’t blame the Red Rock Café, per se, for this layout catastrophe.  For all I know they are just renting the space, but who decided to piss off the Great Spirit and then F-up the view?  If Native American, coffee-hating ghosts are going to go all Poltergrind on us, shouldn’t it be for a good reason? I want to look at a nice desert-scape while the coffee is going in, not when it’s coming out!  Geesh.  And this is not just a small problem in Sedona.  Many other businesses seem to be architecturally disabled as well.

Maybe they’re just sick of the gorgeous views around here; they’re just burnt on the whole scenic view thing.  Maybe it’s like, “No, no, screw the canyons.  Face this bitch toward the dirt hill with all that scrub brush.  This way, on windy days we can do some tumbleweed spotting.  Yeah, that’s the ticket.  Besides, if you want a nice view just climb down on your hands and needs and stare through the restroom vent, jackass.”

Look, I don’t like to complain…er, sorry, that’s the joke.

During my family’s last trip to Las Vegas, my daughter insisted on going on The Manhattan Express at the New York, New York casino.  Never do this.  It’s a harrowing rollercoaster ride, but, even more of a deterrent, it’s right by Nine Fine Irishmen. So what’s a good father to do?  I sent ‘Vegas Great’ Bald Tony on with her, of course, and started toward me Guinness.

“It’ll be fine,” I said.  “It’s a ride…what’s the worst that can happen?” Famous last words…

The rollercoaster monkeys made both of them empty their pockets before boarding.  So I stuffed all of their personal belongings into my own pockets and then my wife and I watched as the two made their way up to the coaster platform. 

“Could you stick around until they’re off the ride?” asked my wife. 

Drat. The pint would have to wait. When I asked an attendant where the ride let out, I got some mumbled vague answery point kind of thing, complete with a caveman grunt. There were only two possible exits so my wife and I each picked one for the stake out.  And then we waited, and we waited, and we waited, but still nothing.  Oh, and to make this situation even more frustrating, you can almost see the entrance to Nine Fine Irishmen from where we stood. Then I realized, no one was going into this little gift shop nearby, yet lots of people kept streaming out of it.  I refused to believe it was a TARDIS and, with some investigating, I soon discovered it was where the coaster people were exiting.  Of course, Vegas = commerce.  What’s a $30 wait without a $20 I Survived the Manhattan Express t-shirt?

So we entered the gift shop but still nothing.  I started to see people coming off of the ride who had gone on waaaay after the dynamic duo.  Then I heard the overhead warning list about riding this particular ride:

DO NOT RIDE THE MANHATTAN EXPRESS, IF YOU HAVE ANY OF THE FOLLOWING CONDITIONS: IF YOU ARE PREGNANT, IF YOU SUFFER FROM HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE, HEART DISEASE OR ANY HEART CONDITION, DIABETES, NECK OR BACK ISSUES, MOTION SICKNESS, ANY PRIOR ORTHOPEDIC SURGERIES, HISTORY OF BRAIN INJURY, HISTORY OF CONCUSSIONS, HISTORY OF SEIZURES, OR MALE-PATTERNED BALDNESS. 

And those are the only ones I could remember!

Then I started to think, what if we missed them when we were watching the wrong exits?  Or what if there’s another exit entirely into some dark alley?  What if this really was Dr. Who’s TARDIS? Then I looked into my pockets.  I had all of Bald Tony’s meds!  He, of course, has all of the conditions listed on the overhead announcement and several they didn’t even mention!  Then I relaxed, “Well, at least he’s not pregnant.”  In my other pocket, I pulled out all of my daughter’s belongings: cell phone, iPod, camera, sunglasses.  OK, so I have all of her gadgets— gadgets she can’t live without for more than 45 seconds—which meant they have no way to text or call us.  I popped one of Tony’s Xanax.

My next vision was of Tony lying in an alley, clutching his chest, while my daughter frantically digs in her pockets for her cell phone.  Not because she wanted to call 911, mind you, she just wanted to text her friends about the really cool ride she was just on.

So I asked the attendant at the gift shop, “Uhhh, is there any other way they could have come out?”

Just then the missing coaster twins emerged. Tony was as white as a sheet. 

“What happened up there?”

“Your lovely daughter insisted we wait until we could get into the front seat,” stuttered Tony.  “It took a while.”

“Do you need a bag?” I asked.

“I assure you my stomach contents are now quite empty,” he replied.

Then my daughter looked at me and added, “And Tony cursed through the whole ride, Dad.  Some words I’d never even heard before.  Can I have my cell phone?”

As I turned Irish pubward, my daughter asked, “Can I ride it again?”

Tony said, “Don’t look at me, boss.”

“Ugggg.”  I emptied my pockets, popped another Xanax, and climbed up to the platform. 

(For full effect please read in a good Sean Connery voice, or a lousy Mel Gibson voice.) Many people think Las Vegas is just hookers, Cirque du Soleil, casinos, and all-you-can-eat buffets. Sure, those things are thankfully prevalent, but there are also many festivals in the Las Vegas Valley (and on any given weekend Zano has been thrown out of most of them). I have attended the San Genarro Festival several times, the Greek Festival VII times, and I especially enjoyed getting leid multiple times at the Aloha Festival. But until a couple of weeks ago I had always missed the Celtic Gathering & Highland Games.

This annual gathering celebrates Scottish, Irish, and English tradition over two days, in the spectacular cloudless 90°, regionally apropos, Mojave Desert. The event is held at Floyd Lamb State Park at Tule Springs, one of the few natural areas I had yet to visit in my nearly 15 years here. The park has quite the history and could make for another Discord article on its own, but since the Discord does not pay well (at all), and has lousy co-workers (see contributor list), I simply recommend researching the place when you have the time.

Many Celtic festival attendees dress in traditional garb, just like you would see at any Renaissance Festival, and yes, I have attended the LV Renn Fest as well, but I opted for sneakers, jean shorts, and a T-Shirt. I would say my kilt wearing days are behind me, but I I never actually had any kilt wearing days. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Walking the festival is not a huge deal, but can take the whole day as there is so much to see. There are dozens of vendors selling everything from Celtic clothing to Celtic literature to Celtic cookies, and each of those vendors is a different “clan”. For example Clan Shaman would sell Celtic medical marijuana, Clan Bone would sell Celtic crawdads…you get the idea. There are several Celtic musical acts as well, and I now have a new favorite band name – The Wicked Tinkers! There is also an abundance of food, both the Celtic kind and regular American fair fare. One of the more impressive was the ice cream booth because the ice cream was made the Olde World method, by throwing a snowball at the face of a person eating candy. In this case, the ice cream was created by a steam powered John Deere contraption from the early 20th century. My diet has changed a bit since my visit here, so I opted for the veggie burger and lemonade. That was a good choice as the lass who took my order was right out of Celtic Maxim. Another highlight is the heavy athletic competitions. The Scots had to be drunk to invent these games!

For any given event, at this fine fest, you will find Highlander and Braveheart emasculating one another. Let the games begin:

The Horn of Boromir

Unfortunately shortly after the above picture was taken, the horn blower was riddled with orc arrows and collapsed in a pool of his own blood.

Above picture depicts several bagpipers belting out Amazing Grace, while on the far side of the field a replica of Spock’s coffin was shot into space.

Here in the above picture we see all types of surreal food items and Scottish delicacies. Yes, that is an oxymoron. Notice there is Haggis, marinated for your enjoyment. And I thought only Dumbledore died in the Harry Potter series.

Despite the fact the Zano and the Shaman did not make this trip, their people were well represented.

And here we see a manly Celtic game wherein the participant must tear off the hook arm of Captain Hook, hurl it into the air and catch it with the tip of his penis. Also, notice the other game in background wherein the participant holds a telephone pole to his crotch with the hopes of running up behind the hook thrower and stealing his glory. In the ancient version the opponent had to catch the telephone pole with the tip of his penis.

The event is two days long in order to accommodate as many people as possible, though one day is sufficient to see everything. If you are in Zano territory there will be another one soon, and I pray Zano’s kilt wearing days are really behind him, not that there’s…. in this case there really is something wrong with that.

If you go you will have a wonderful time, just remember not to drive home on the left side of the road. Luckily Nationwide is on my side…whatever side of the road that may be.