Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Were you raised a Catholic? Did you ever learn, as most of us did, that Moses parted the Red Sea, that God knocked down the walls of Jericho, that Jesus died for our sins and that he rose again on the third day?

Lucinda

Dear Lucinda,

Come out Lucinda, don’t hesitate, Cath-o-lic girls…well, catholic girls won’t let me masturbate.  Damn you, Christine O’Donnell!  What about Benjamin Wanklin and John Handcock?  Have you forgotten our forefather’s vision?  Why do you think they needed to invent glasses?  Sorry, but I just don’t want any Bible-thumping Teabagger telling me I can’t luffa the old spigot now and again.  As Ferguson tells us, “From my cold dead hand!”  As for your question, I don’t think the stories of the Bible should be taken literally.  They should be taken with a pillar of salt.

The Ghetto (‘scuse me while I whip this out) Shaman