How You Lakka Me Now? Noticio to All Fiat S.P.A. Shareholders

How You Lakka Me Now? Noticio to All Fiat S.P.A. Shareholders
The Crank

You stupido bastards, you keepa tella me, “Why u gonna buy Chrysler? Why u waista so much money on such American crap, eh?” I also get lotsa, “U stupido CEO, wherza u brains? Inna u ass?” Anna I getta, “Hey Sergio, whera u woikin nest, eh?” Okay, I’ll stop writing in accent, promise…

If you were wondering, the following is a letter I have written on behalf of Sergio Marchionne:

Dear Fiat Shareholders,

I’ve put up with all this shit from you shareholders for months now. When I agreed to purchase Chrysler, I got grief. When I said I was going to re-finance the debt we had to the U.S. Government, and save us a fortune, I got grief. NOW, all of a sudden, I’m getting no such feedback anymore. Oh, geeh! I wonder what happened. Well, I’ll tell you. The European money market crashed and burned. No one is buying any cars, whether Fiats or Ferrari’s. We can’t fukking give them away. We would normally be doing just what the rest of the European auto makers are now doing: lying to our shareholders, stealing the shareholders’ money and hiding it in our matterratzes, while waiting for the Government to either bail us out (which can’t happen, they actually have less Lire-er-I-mean EU’s on hand than we do), or close us down.

BUT, you know what’s actually happening? Weeell, I’ll tell you. That little deal I had for Chrysler, you know the one where we paid about a penny on the dollar of real worth? Yeah, that one. Well, while we Europeans watch our little experiment in socialismo crash and burn like a fukking Russian satellite, those fat-assed Americans are back to doing what they do best…buying fat-assed SUVs. The largest seller, the Grand Cherokee is from a little company called JEEP. And guess who owns Jeep? CHRYSLER. And guess who owns Chrysler? WE DO, ASSHOLES!

The Jeep Grand Cherokee is saving our greasy WOP asses, boys. So, while the rest of the European car market fizzles like last year’s birthday candles, we be in da Lire, fellas. Big Time! We changed the one thing Chrysler couldn’t do right, interiors. They were like hard plastic little torture chambers that even someone who supports water boarding couldn’t approve of. Who better to redesign a car interior, the Czechs maybe? No, us emotional Italianos. We, the masters of all things leather and chrome (not to mention flappy paddle gear changers). They had the Hemis, they had the styling, and we made the package whole.

So now I’m like a fukking clairvoyant or something, I’m the toast of the town! It’s like I have my own theme music as I saunter down the piazza.

Can I lighta u cigarette, Signiore Marchionne?

Let me get that door for you, Signiore Marchionne.

Will you appear on our TV show, Signiore Marchionne?

Would you wear one of our brand sweaters, Signiore Marchionne?

Fuck you all. I knew what I was doing, oh ye of little faith. Europe will never be the same. Crash and burn. I’m here by bringing notice that the headquarters of Fiat S.P.A. will be Auburn Hills, Michigan, U.S.A. as of January 1, 2012. That is, unless I get one HELL of a deal from the new Italian Government. You listening, Signiore Monti? You’d better be.

As for the rest of you whinny Fiat shareholders, in the immortal words of Roman Maroni, “I’m gonna cut off a u arms and I’m gonna stick’em up a u iceholes!

Respectfully Submitted,

Sergio Marchionne

P.S. You’re a bunch of farggin somna batches!

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