Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am sure about only two things after reading one of your works: the inner paths to enlightenment have nothing to do with a woman’s privates, and you know nothing about the universal truths.

Sally

Laredo, TX

Dear Sally,

The truth needs few words, aka WRONG! Read my book Shamans, Sages, and Sangrias and give me a call…around last call.  And in the immortal words of Melharishi Brooks, don’t wear anything complicated.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How do I know when I’ve found the right teacher?  There are so many fakes and charlatans out there.  This is a big deal.  Any suggestions?  

Staci

West Bend, WI

Dear Staci,

Choosing the right teacher is one of the biggest decisions of your life!  The right teacher traditionally strings half-eaten chicken wings around his neck and smells of alcohol.  And remember, the first step in the journey to self-discovery begins with my latest philosophical treatise: Combining Ancient Wisdom with Hot Girl-on-Girl Action. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Dude,

WTF? What is the problem with the Thai stick? Ever since Clinton got back from North Korea with them fine Asian honeys that were “very grateful, he, he” I aint been able to get dat fine Thai stick. Hook me up, dude!

The Wolfenstein and his girly girls

Dear Whatsisface and his chicky chicks,

I’m confused.  Thai stick is everywhere now, even in convenience stores.  I swear by the stuff.  If I’m on a business luncheon and I get food on my tie, it takes even the toughest stains right out.  I carry a tube of Thai Stick® in my house and one for the glove box in my car.  Consider yourself hooked up, dude and dudettes.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am a truth seeker like yourself, but the truth keeps eluding me.  I always feel like I’m on the cusp of figuring something out, but invariably it slips away again.  I only seem to catch glimpses of something bigger than myself. Any suggestions, medicine man?

Charlie

Ocala, FL

Dear Charlie,

I saw your enclosed picture Charlie and, er…I’m not sure there is anything bigger than yourself.  But, as the sutras teach us, the truth is ungraspable.  Unless you manage to sneak up on the truth, grab it around the waist, and slap it on the ass.  Waving a cowboy hat over your head and making the truth say, “who’s your daddy” can also help.  But otherwise the truth is ungraspable, is my point. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Other than your work, which I found to be nonsensical-tripe, what further reading do you recommend for a serious Shamanic wannabe?

Sincerely,

Ted

Scranton, PA

Dear Ted,

Please, you cannot ignore my entire body of work! I can assure you that my next book, Ayahuasca: Encounters with Some Freaky Shit in the Woods will not be so easily dismissed!

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Out here near Seattle, there is a very nice retreat house on Whidbey Island that welcomes all faiths. Could the Ghetto Shaman host a retreat here in the Seattle area?

Phillip

Seattle, WA

Dear Phillip,

I arrange everything through my agent.  But I don’t have an agent.  So no.   An island, you say, hmmmn.  I’ll tell you what, you bring the chicks of all faiths and I’ll bring the Kool-Aid.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Dude!  The ayahuasca experience represents a Shamanic tradition dating back over five-thousand years to the people indigenous of the Amazonian basin.  You can’t just substitute the main plant spirit for Mad Dog, banana red or otherwise!  I think people who are following your “teachings” are in trouble and I think you are insane.

Jake

Abilene, TX

Dear Jake,

Insane, mwaaah?  What was your first clue, Sherlock?  I’ll have you know, I have two close friends from Amazonia, Phoenix, Amazonia to be exact, the Crank and the Zano.  In fact, Zano owes me a six pack.  Remind him of this point if you see him, and remind him of the evil spirits that possess me during the Big Jug Extra Malt detox.  Really, hurry up and tell him…

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Not everyone can afford top-shelf plant spirits.  I am merely providing an affordable alternative for the unwashed asses. 

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I was unfortunate enough to have attended one of your ‘Sin-posiums’ over at Raystown the other night.  During your longwinded infomercial on something called a Rieki Robotripping Retreat: The Three Rs, you kept going on about the ‘foosball gestalt buggers’ as if everyone in the audience knew what the hell you were talking about, and, well, what the hell were you talking about?

Kurt Martins

Jersey Shore, PA

Dear Kurt,

I remember you.  You were that dick, right?  The foosball gestalt buggers, hmmmn.  You’re going to have to be more specific.  Do you remember how I used the term in context?

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

You claim in your latest book, I am the Buddha and so is My Hooker that you are a genuine bodhisattva and the actual reincarnation of the Dalai Lama.   First off, the Dalai Lama isn’t dead yet and, second, as far as I can tell you have absolutely nothing in common with Gautama Buddha. 

Stan

Twin Falls, ID

Dear Stan,

Much like the Buddha, I too abandoned all of my social obligations. And, much like the Buddha, I too, well, that’s pretty much it. But I’m sure I am on the right track.  After all, does not the journey of a thousand miles begin at the Pay-n-Take six pack shop?   Besides, ultimately I’m more of a Bootysattva.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ghetto Shaman,

The Bible tells us God was Isaiah, God was Jesus, God was King Solomon, God was Jonah and the whale. God is present in each and every corner of this vast Universe, but nowhere, sir, do I see God present in you! You are a fraud and a crank!

Michael Barren

Fergus Falls, MN

Dear Michael,

Actually the Crank is the guy with the old gorilla at the top of his column.  I’m the guy with the half-eaten chicken bones around my neck, an honest mistake.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  It would take huffing three kitchens worth of cleaning products before I could understand how God could be both Jonah and the whale.  I will consider that a challenge, sir.  And I will let you know.