In one of the most unexpected moves of his presidency, Barack Obama announced how America’s Drug addiction recovery funds will be transferred to a new and radical drug treatment that involves the use, and misuse of Parmesan Cheese. The FDA is now parmed and dangerous as methadone treatment centers and the like across this grate country are being supplied with high grade parmaceuticals.
The main premise: all drugs and craving will be replaced by the use of parmesan cheese. “If you used to smoke meth, now you’ll be encouraged to wean off with an 8-ball shaker of parmesan cheese,” said Dr. William Lynn, CEO of Bristol-Myers-Kraft. “If you’re hooked on heroin, now you can snort all the cheese you like on the Feds! No cops, no hassle and at nearly 100% off the street value. What a deal for everyone, especially those folks at the Cheesecake Factory.”
Vincent Drake, owner of Hidden Shadows Pharmaceuticals, was quick to adjust his company’s approach, “We’ve already created a fresh batch of products and got a Twitter page for our new line of parmaceuticals. Our mottos, Just Say Roman-No and Parmesan: the Other White Meth are being well received. We believe such parm reduction models will go a long way to winning the war on drugs.”
Field reporter Cokie McGrath added, “If you snort enough parm, you can just sneeze onto your pasta and voila’, you’re ready for dinner. Just sneeze for more cheese…I like that.”
Meth-Head-Moe felt less certain of this approach. “Maybe it’s just me, but besides the horrible burning sensation when you snort it, parmesan cheese just isn’t the same at all, man. I’m still jonesing really hard. Say, you got a couple of bucks? Otherwise I’m going to knock off a Dominos for their parm shots.”
After Zano, Ballz, and I tried some, Ballz got so sick and moved into Winslow’s bathroom, which is still three times the size of Ballz’s house. Zano just curled up into a ball and started rocking uncontrollably, which is not that dissimilar from most nights. I thought it was okay as long as you filled the bottle with macaroni first.
Time will tell if this will move our addictive hordes to less dangerous substances. Critics question whether or not this is just an insidious plot to save the American cheese farmer. Is Obama’s plan to retire in Wisconsin just a coincidence? Is there a connection between this initiative and Big Parma? Or is this another insidious plot concocted by the makers of Lipitor?