Collapsing Shack, AZ—The Fantasy Adventuring Characters Team or F.A.C.T.s has lodged a formal complaint against, “All nay sayers, doom mongers, rapture renegers and end of dayers.” Those who have survived real fictional apocalypses are not at all impressed with these endless prophetic false alarms.
There’s always some loser with a Sinner Repent sign and where has it gotten them? FACTs wanted to get the real story from real apocalypse savvy fictional characters.
First, we caught up Elric of Melnibone, from the Elric Saga, who said, “Your petty apocalypses would not keep me from opening a second bottle of dragon blood wine or slaughtering a trusted friend. When your world sees the Armies of Chaos transform an entire continent into undulating entropy, then you’ll get my attention.”
Harry Potter was unavailable for comment, because it was half-price, topless centaur massage day over at Dagon Alley.
His friend, Ron Weasley, did have this comment, “Bloody hell, Voldemort is about to annihilate everything and you muggles are worried about your cable being shut off during some nonsensical rapture? Oh, I feel so sorry for you wankers. Piss off.”
We tried to interview Frodo Baggins, but the whole Fellowship was in Rohan, helping Bilbo sign up for a 28-day program to help him kick his ‘Hobbit Herb’ addiction. Oh, and his sponsor is suggesting he stay away from “ganja-boy” Gandalf.
We were able to get an audience with Tom Sawyer, quite accidentally.
“Don’t know about them Apocalypses, and such. I guess it’s when God gets real mad, like when Becky pinched me when I painted her hair fire station red. Say, wanna help me paint some fun stuff, fer just a nickel?”
I was forced to press on alone after my driver and photographer stopped to help Tom paint his fence.
I tracked down Neo, from the Matrix, who added, “I was born into an apocalypse of such horrifying proportions—rare is the human mind that can comprehend it, but, in a pinch, those birthing pods make really great Jacuzzis! The other day Trinity and I broke into one and—”
As I limped on I soon spotted Jack Primus and asked him if living in a foul world filled with supernatural serial killers makes him angry at all these fake doomsday predictors.
“It sure as hell does! After all of this crying wolf, you guys won’t be ready when it really hits the fan. Oh, and it will hit said fan. Meanwhile, times are tough…‘fact, I’d be willing to trade you this ‘war axe’ for a pitcher of ale and a cheese steak.”
I tried to find John Conner, but one Terminator model finally wised up and just blew him and his preschool to kingdom come. I did manage to catch up with Mad Max, but when I mentioned those ‘end of day’ preachers, he went on an anti-Semitic rant, so I had to put him down.
I’m not sure what we learned interviewing real apocalypse survivors—well, real fictional ones, but we did learn one thing: you can get a really cool war axe cheap these days. Oh, and my partner never did make it back. After painting Sawyer’s fence he made the mistake of trying to interview Cthulhu for this post….never do that.