State College, PA—Penn State University announced its replacement pick for the recently dismantled Joe Paterno statue. The Dean of the University, David H. Monk, announced his institution’s decision to honor the first Penn State fan to ever drink all 80-beers at a favorite local watering hole, Zeno’s Pub.
“The decision wasn’t easy,” said Dean Monk. “We also considered the dude who mooned the ‘87 graduating class from the Old Main clock tower. And then there’s always the first guy to throw up at the Rathskeller back in 1958. What a mess. See? There’s still a lot to honor here in Crappy Valley.”
When asked why the University failed to choose the Rathskeller for selling the most Rolling Rock cases in a single day, Monk replied, “We considered that, we really did, but they kind of lost me by breaking the Guinness Book of World Records with a beer other than Guinness. Who the hell drinks Rolling Rock? I’m supposed to be proud of that?”
Instead, Penn State ultimately chose Zeno’s first man to go ‘Around the World in 80-Beers.’
Dean Monk added, “We’re honoring the first guy to ever accomplish this feat. He’s the first name on the first plaque among an ever-growing line of winners lining that pub’s southern wall. It’s been a standing tradition here at Penn State for decades, unless you try doing it all in one night…in which case, you won’t be standing. I learned that one the hard way, heh, heh.”
When asked for the name of the man, Monk replied, “I don’t know. It’s on the statue and it’s on that damn plaque. Can’t we just get passed this shit now and play some foosball?!”
With Penn State unable to participate in football anymore, scholarships are now available for those who excel at the foosball table in the back room.