Please Find Literate Folks to Defend the Constitution

Mick Zano

The Constitution of the Divided States of ‘Murica is akin to The Bible, in that republicans worship it despite a nearly complete inability to understand any of the meaningful bits. Thou shalt not Teabag? I believe, post 9/11, the Constitution died. Rest In Parchment? My message then, to anyone who would listen, was this: the 2008 presidential election signaled a shift from an inauguration to a coronation, so forgive me if constitutional indiscretions seem passé. Post 9/11 our checks and balances collapsed at the feet of an imperial presidency and, yes Pokey, I make no apologies for showing some relief in the fact our current monarch has an IQ above that of a turnip. I realize this is an affront to those citizens of Turnipsylvania.

The collapse of our Constitutional rights came, not at the hands of the Dems but at the hands of those constitution-lovin’-dipshits among us (CLDs), although I will admit expansions and the institutionalization of executive powers have occurred under Obama, here. There are inherent costs in having the likes of the Tea Party and Sean Hannity champion this important document, aka, I’m starting to miss it already.

Despite his modus propagandi, Hannity and his ilk would have fared much better in 1930s Germany than colonial America. Founding Faterland? I know this doesn’t register with you, Pokey, but the GOP remains the major stumbling block of our time. This phenomenon I keep covering will also be a key focus of history and will likely play heavily into our pending collapse. Future bloggers will marvel at this profound shit-show amidst the so-called Age of Information, thus my endless Comical Cyclical Redundancies (CCRs). Bad Meme rising?

I remember what my father said after 9/11, “Don’t ever bring your girlfriend back to this house! She stole all of your mother’s pain medication again!”

Wait, uh, that other thing he said after 9/11:

 “As bad a day as this was, the problem will be our response.”

—Papa Zano, September 12th, 2001 (or thereabouts)

I shared my father’s concern at the time—that chick really was bad news. But remember, Glenn Beck had some important thoughts on 9/12 as well, after he sniffed some glue. These days the difference between prophetic or pathetic comes down to your political affiliation. This is why nothing you predict will likely come to pass, Pokey. You live in an alternate political reality.

It’s funny to hear Pokey defending the Constitution when circa 2003 to 2006 he had a hard time wrapping his head around what was happening. Essentially post 9/11 Bush looked at the Bill of Rights and said, naaah. But, hey, those are only the first ten amendments of that Constitution thingie, right?

“Amendments? Who needs amendments to the Constitution? Why mess with perfection?”

—John Q. Republican

I don’t want to rehash this shit, suffice to say essentially at some point post 9/11 Bush politicized the Justice Department and soon after big bro could read your mail, your email, and listen to your phone conversations (all without a warrant). They could then pick you up, detain you without due process, torture you (abroad and then eventually here) all for the low low price of just declaring you an “enemy combatant”. No trial necessary, but on the bright side Bush eventually did learn how to say and spell “combatant” properly which does make it constitutional—ish. If that weren’t disturbing enough, there’s even evidence Cheney had secret prisons, here, and was working on a secret police.

I also remember arguing with you one night many year ago—one of our most heated arguments ever, in fact—at Ye Old College Diner in State College, PA. It happened just after Zeno’s Pub closed for the night… Fine, they threw us out. But this conversation has been pokeyphrased and the names have been changed to protect the delinquent:

Pokey: They’re not picking Americans up off the street without a warrant and torturing them.

Zano: Yes they are.

Pokey: Name one person. One person!

Zano: Jose Padilla! JOSE PADILLA!!

(A guy from Brooklyn who we now know was tortured to the point of irreversible mental illness.)

Obama: Zano’s right, we tortured some folks.

Zano: Hey, while you’re here, Mr. President, can you pick up the tab?

Obama: I think we should all share the burden equally.

Pokey: There he goes again.

Forgive me, Pokey, if I’m not as concerned about a guy elected twice on the issue of expanding healthcare coverage to more Americans and then…uh, he expands healthcare coverage to more Americans. Wrong, maybe, but comparatively?

As I’ve said before I wish the republicans had focused on the individual mandate instead of all those senseless appeals. Opportunity lost. In the 21st century there is no opportunity the Republican Party hasn’t squandered, thus the Dems lingering shot in the midterms. This should be a blow out—at least historically—but control of the Senate remains a tossup because one group remains dangerously incompetent.

Oh, and the Supremes have ruled your biggest beef with Obamacare Constitutional. I agree with you, though, it’s a stretch. Most people who own shit have to pay for garbage, or property tax or a slew of other things, but I agree asking the terminally disenfranchised to pay for their emergency room visits—well, there are plenty of alternatives. How about instead of allowing insurance companies to make one thousand percent profit, let’s knock that down a point or two? That should more than cover this relatively small tab for those poor peeps just out of the Medicaid Expansion range. Meanwhile, you say healthcare coverage is not an inalienable right, so pay the fine or sign the Zano waiver and forgo any emergency room visits. Your choice.

Pokey: What’s that I hear?

Zano: That Pokey is the sweet sound of freedom, aka, you bleeding out in the ER lobby.

Good luck with that.  What I want to see rolled back is Bush’s expansion of executive power, in particular surveillance of Americans, arrests of Americans without due process, torture, and the ability of the president to wage war without congressional approval. These are very important points. We do have a similar understanding of the Constitution, we don’t have a similar idea on the fix. You want Mr. Smith to go to Washington, only your Mr. Smith is Ted Cruz and he can’t find Washington, or his own ass with both hands. The Tea People voted for Bush, twice, and are so detached from reality that even W himself has reservations about their obstructionism, their partisanship and their approach.  Republican thought is already at the edge of the solar system so the Tea Party’s ideology is beyond our current technology’s ability to even map, or:

Oort Cloud Map
I think this is an accurate ideological map.

I know your brand’s complete descent into madness is “besides the point” but I couldn’t disagree more…well, I could but I might strain something. I don’t know how you propose to restore shit. We shredded the Constitution and the Bill Of Rights almost unanimously during a nebulous, forever War on Error. I understood even then how future leaders would likely expand, not roll back these powers. Meanwhile, your views are inherently contradictory, Pokey. You want freedom, the freedom to follow a set of specific religious tenants.

“Like religion, conservatives demand strict obedience from all members of society making it incompatible with democracy or a free society. For the past four-and-a-half years, Americans have been besieged by an axis of fundamentalist groups who exemplify anti-democratic ideology and between corporatists, evangelical fundamentalists, and conservatives, the nation risks drifting toward fascism and if not thwarted spells the end of American democracy.”

Politicus, USA

I know I’ve said this before, but I attended an official Tea Party Express rally…uh, only because I thought the bus said Tea/Espresso. Sad but true, full story here. This group is wholly incapable of getting elected and, your God help us if they do. These people have no understanding of the Constitution or recent history.

We currently have only two choices in this country, dumb and dumber, and at the moment I’ll take dumb.  I don’t think I’m giving dumb a free pass, I simply have a host of other criticisms based on reality. Sadly, these so-called libertarians on your side of the aisle are totally under the control of the super-rich. Makes sense. But that’s okay, because they think libertarians are people who like to read in that place with all the books. They’re terminally misinformed at this point and their prognosis is poor.  This is continually driven home for me after each and every news cycle.

The Constitution is a great framework, but it’s open to interpretation. It was designed to be a living document that grows with the times. That’s why our judicial system can reverse-engineer it through legalese to forever come up with a ruling that’s exactly in tune with their personal ideology. It’s not some infallible document handed down in tablet from to Noah at the top of Mount Rushmore. See? And you said I never read the Bible.

I think you missed the point when it mattered, over a decade ago. But we do need a group that emerges who can champion the restoration of the rule of law. Dems are not up for the task and our other two choices are unconscionable.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.