Sarcastically Salving Society
Home of the Transcosmetic Party
A Place for Raging Moderates, Tragic Optimists, and Integral Outcasts
August 1, 2014
CNN’S BILL WEIR ON THE FOX NATION: "WILLFULLY IGNORANT FUCKSTICKS" • DISCORD REACTION: "OUTRAGEOUS! 'WILLFUL' IS GIVING THEM WAY TOO MUCH CREDIT," MICK ZANO • THE NEXT PERSON WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT AQUAMAN UNDEROOS ARE, I'M JUST GOING TO PUNCH • NRA PLANNING "SOMETHING SPECIAL" FOR UPCOMING 75TH SCHOOL SHOOTING SINCE COLUMBINE • OIL TANKER EXPLODES OFF COAST OF JAPAN: NO GIANT MONSTERS CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY • TED CRUZ WINS REPUBLICAN STRAW POLL? THAT’S THE LAST STRAW POLL...YOU BROKE IT. • CLOSE GUANTONOMO: FIVE DOWN, 149 TO GO... I ADMIT THIS POSITION WON'T BE HORRIBLY POPULAR WITH HORRIBLE PEOPLE •
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Presidential All Seeing Eye

Kiester Island

Khamenei Rork and Tattoo Ahmadinejad

Bill Clinton and his Asian Harem

Obama squares of with Gandalf the Gray over Health Care

Tactics to Draw Out Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan Questioned, Danish Mohammed cartoons for sale

Second Inconvenient Truth Linked to Al Gore’s Cross-Dressing

Moe-hammad
The Hand of God
Under Siege! Top 10 Reasons Seagal Should Not Be AZ’s Governor
Under Siege! Top 10 Reasons Seagal Should not be AZ’s Governor

1. He’s Half Past Dead (2002), or is that our senior Senator?

2. He’s Chosen the Path Beyond Thought (2001). See anything on Fox News.

3. He’s got a Fire Down Below (1997)...which could be syphilis.

See All 10...
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The Daily Discord’s Top 10 Dictatorial Sitcoms of All Time

1. Despot Housewives

2. It’s Always Sunny in Damascus

3. Arrested Dismemberment

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Ted Cruz's Top 10 Role Models

1. That guy who flew his plane into IRS headquarters.

2. That woman who drove her car into the White House barrier.

3. That guy who voted for The Surge in Iran (he meant Iraq, God love him).

See All 10...
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Top 10: the Aftermath of NYC Comic-Con

1. Surrounding neighborhoods see 90% drop in wedgies, nuggies, and wet willies.

2. Batman captured and arrested by NYPD...a lot (bat utility belts prove ineffective)

3. Best costume goes to Homeless Mantis

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Top Ten Pierce Winslow Pet Peeves
  1. Mick Zano
  2. Plural of RPM is RPM, not RPMs moron
  3. The same thing goes for MPG
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Ghetto Shaman’s Best Smeller List
  1. Happy Hour Healer: A Shaman’s Ale
  2. The Tao of Skull Fucking, Editor’s Edition (rare)
  3. The Healing Powers of Certain Massage Parlors        
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Top Ten Worst Bar Names
  1. The Bewildered Skank
  2. The Scrotum and Mallet
  3. In Through the Out Door (named after a gay Led Zeppelin cover band)
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Top 10 Real Reasons Sarah Palin Resigned
  1. She is Having Mitt Romney’s Love Child
  2. Press About to Release Fact: She Really Can’t See Russia from There
  3. Busy Planning Hunt for Levi Johnston from Her Chopper
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Newly Discovered Seuss Manuscripts Are Troubling
  1. The Cat in Arafat
  2. Green Eggs and Hamas
  3. One Fish, Two Fish, White Fish, Jew Fish
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Top Ten Inspirational Rock Songs
  1. Queen’s Flash (he saved every one of us!)
  2. Zappa’s Don’t You Eat that Yellow Snow (it works on so many levels)
  3. Wang Chung’s Everybody Have Fun Tonight, Everybody Wang Chung Tonight (not rock, but never truer words were spoken)
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Top 10 Butch Rocksters Showing Their Feminine Side
  1. Traffic’s Low Spark of High Heeled Boys (where to even begin…)
  2. Van Halen’s Jump (Jump the shark is more like it.)
  3. Def Leppard’s Pour Some Sugar on Me (This coming from a pack of rock-god-posers who couldn’t even kill off their drummer properly.)
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The Daily Discord’s Top 10 Survival Guide
  1. Continue to procreate, you may need to eat your young
  2. Watch Survivor Man and remember which bugs are edible
  3. Start planting food now, like lasagna trees (are Hot Pockets annual or perennial?)
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Top Ten Reasons Why the Government Should Not Nationalize Anything
  1. HI
  2. I'M
  3. FROM
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Top Ten Things We Should Nationalize Before They’re Gone
  1. The National Hockey League (national is already in it!)
  2. The Lesbian Gladiator Website (I’m begging you here)
  3. The Daily Discord  (Soon to be America’s Only News Source)
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Top 10 Social Programs Even Obama Won’t Fund
  1. Fighting Childhood Obesity One Fat Little Fuck at a Time
  2. Moms for Masturbation (MfM)
  3. The Social Inclusion Club (members only)
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Top 10 Jobs Created by the Stimulus Package
  1. Bankruptcy Lawyer
  2. Crises Worker
  3. Suicide Hotline Operator
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Discord Horoscope

Aries (March 21-Aril 19) Your Hyundai will explode leaving a better handling black thing in your driveway. Bad week to eat licorice.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) You will be controlled by aliens from Rigel 4. They will make you act out the funnier American Idol episodes.

Gemini (March 21-Aril 19) Avoid dangling midgets.

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Our Obama Wish List: Please Restore...
  1. My 401K
  2. My House
  3. The Constitution
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Top Ten Fictitious Drinks and Places to Enjoy Them
  1. The Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster – The Restaurant and the End of the Universe
  2. Fudd– The Beer & Brawl, Spittle County
  3. Moloko– Korovs Milk Bar (for all your ultra-violence needs)
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The Official Crank Manifesto 2008 “This Smells Like Ass” Top Fifteen
  • 1. Any bailout of anything (with the exception of boats?)
  • 2. Not seeing perp walks of Dodd, Franks, Paulson, Bernanke, Reid and Pulosi (don’t go away angry, just go away).
  • 3. Four more years of the Clinton administration, minus the guy who made it all work (Slick Willie, where are ya?).
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Top 10 things I learned at college
  • 10. Sincerity – I am a one girl man, Kim
  • 9. Diplomacy— It got me out of bar fights with men called Psycho.
  • 8. Persuasion – Helped me to get others to type, research, and edit my term papers.
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Top Ten Failed Football Mascots
  1. The Boston Stranglers
  2. The Detroit Gusty Autumn Breezes
  3. The Seattle Strap-Ons
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Top 10 Things to Slap on Back of Friend’s Unattended Laptop
  1. Shhh! Downloading Kiddie Porn
  2. Proud Inappropriate Toucher
  3. Hello Sailor
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The Rock Gods Fatal Flaws
  1. The Beatles (went to extremes to impress Jodie Foster)
  2. Led Zeppelin (shocked by death of drummer—didn’t they watch Spinal Tap?)
  3. The Rolling Stones (hired zombie/pirate to play lead guitar)
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Top Ten Worst Documentaries Of All Time
  1. Southwest Airline's Great Baggage Screening Outtakes Reel
  2. Going Up? The Musak Story
  3. The Accidental Martyr (starring Abdul "I strapped on what?" Rahman)
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Worst Rock Solo Careers of All Time
  1. David Lee Roth (Hello Yankee Rose—Goodbye Diamond Dave!)
  2. Art Garfunkle (Hello silence my old friend)
  3. Oats of Hall & Oats: (The Just Oats Tour)
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Fox's Tentative Fall Line-Up
  1. Survivor Tijuana: Anyone who makes it all night without a tattoo or an S.T.D. wins passage back to U.S.
  2. Coyote for a Day: contestants are tested on how many illegals they can sneak over the border.
  3. Pimp my Fridge Carton: The show that proves you don't have to live in a house to have bling.
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Top 10 Dictatorial Sitcoms
  1. Despot Housewives
  2. Extreme Homo Makeover (a lighthearted look at Iran's gay re-education program)
  3. Everybody Loves Chavez
See All 10...
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Discord Videos
Camera Down! Now Maybe He'll Have Some Time for Our Editing.
Camera Down! Now Maybe He'll Have Some Time For Our Editing, Actually, he planned that. Our guy's that good.
Actually, he planned that. Our guy's that good.
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Discord One Step Closer to Pulitzer for Beiber Coverage
Discord One Step Closer to Pulitzer for Beiber Coverage
Actually, he planned that. Our guy's that good.
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 Coming Soon! Summer of 2014! or Thereabouts
 Discord's Daily Discharge
 Arizona Cable Company Airs Our 1st Commercial!
 The Lowell Observatory Incident: Putting the Ass Back Into Asstronomy
More Videos...
Decrepit Discord
 GM Claims Fiery Crash New Feature Not Design Flaw
 Ah, to Be a Republican Website for a Day
 Guided by Voices: Crescent Ballroom, Phoenix 6/15/14
 Should the Discord Have an Age Limit?
 Mount Rushmore: What Went Right and Wrong
 Battle of Biden Hill: Poor Poor Pitiful D?
 Oil Tanker Sinks Off Coast of Japan: No Monsters Take Responsibility
 Syria Disarms, Despite Republican Opposition
 Benghazi Is an Important Scandal: a Republican One
 Guy Named Francis Excommunicates Mafia?
 GOP Unveils New Plan to Take Back White House
 Sage-like Prophets Predict Iraqi Problems...in 2007
 Who Is the Sith Lord and Who Is the Sithy Boy?
 Give Them Exactly What They Deserve
 Discord Standing by Their Controversial Kasem Coverage
 Bettman Refuses to Relinquish Cup!
 Obama Visits World's Smallest Museum
 David Brat Seems Pretty Okay for a Tea Bagger
 Obama Condemns Own Drone Strike on 60s Band Procol Harum
 David and GOPliath?
 Zano Playing Ouija With John Lennon Again
 Loaded Gun Found in Toy Store Deemed Legal in Arizona
 Alternate Timeline: Fox Ramps up Ridicule Over Failure to Rescue Bergdahl
 Why I Preferred the GOP When They Were Bombing the Wrong Country
 Obama Visits Last Operational 80s Video Store
 Deceased Mime Appointed White House Press Secretary
 Most Interesting Man in the World Linked to Climate Change
 Where Climate Change Is Likely to Hit the Hardest
 Ten Children Vanish During Jackson Cirque Du Soleil Performance
 Discord Staff Turns in Combined 401Ks for Godzilla Endorsement
 The GOP: You’re All Glenn Beck Now
 Russian Rocket Falls Back to Earth Onto Putin Rival
 Biden Refuses Prom Request
 Obama to Begin "Tough" Action on Head of Veterans Affairs
 Mysterious Crap Circles: Alien Messages or Intestinal Flu?
 McDonald's PR Pyro Nightmare
 GOP Critical of Japanese Response to Giant Lizard
 Wanna’ Fix This Country? Prescribe Low-T for the Dems and Ginkoba for the GOP
 Obama Visits Leesburg Lunch Pail Museum
 This Day in History: Elias Issa Heads to Salem After Allegations Surface of Witchcraft
 Dean and Sterling? Wonder Twins Unite! Form of Intolerance
 Total (Over) Lording Deniers
 Fox News Finally Charted by the Combined Efforts of Captain Nemo and Sinbad
 Timber Wolf Mistakenly Reintroduced Into Mall of America
 Iran Claims to Have Successfully Copied U.S. Drone
 Bigfoot Subpoenaed to Testify on Benghazi
 Discord Summarizes Evolution of Benghazi Hearings
 Bike Rider’s Blues: Schwinning!
 Lewinsky's Secret Revealed in Discord Exclusive
 R.V. Krugan Adds Painting to "Thrown Shoe" Collection
 Upgrade for Fortune Cookies Now Available
 Declare War Not Bankruptcy
 Family of Botched Executionee Set to Sue Oklahoma
 Camera Down! Now Maybe He'll Have Some Time for Our Editing.
 Dear Fox News: Your Obamacare Lies Are Working!
 Latest Search for Republican Thought Comes up Empty
 Before Duty Secret Service Agents Must Blow Into TelePrompter
 Artist Rendition of Hillary's 2020 Presidential Run
 Discord One Step Closer to Pulitzer for Beiber Coverage
 Feds: Assassinated Nevada Cows Linked to Al-Qcattle and Heffbollah
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