1. Mick Zano
2. Plural of RPM is RPM, not RPMs moron
3. The same thing goes for MPG

1. Happy Hour Healer: A Shaman’s Ale
2. The Tao of Skull Fucking, Editor’s Edition (rare)
3. The Healing Powers of Certain Massage Parlors        

1. The Bewildered Skank
2. The Scrotum and Mallet
3. In Through the Out Door (named after a gay Led Zeppelin cover band)

1. She is Having Mitt Romney’s Love Child
2. Press About to Release Fact: She Really Can’t See Russia from There
3. Busy Planning Hunt for Levi Johnston from Her Chopper

1. The Cat in Arafat
2. Green Eggs and Hamas
3. One Fish, Two Fish, White Fish, Jew Fish

1. Queen’s Flash (he saved every one of us!)
2. Zappa’s Don’t You Eat that Yellow Snow (it works on so many levels)
3. Wang Chung’s Everybody Have Fun Tonight, Everybody Wang Chung Tonight (not rock, but never truer words were spoken)

1. Traffic’s Low Spark of High Heeled Boys (where to even begin…)
2. Van Halen’s Jump (Jump the shark is more like it.)
3. Def Leppard’s Pour Some Sugar on Me (This coming from a pack of rock-god-posers who couldn’t even kill off their drummer properly.)

1. Fighting Childhood Obesity One Fat Little Fuck at a Time
2. Moms for Masturbation (MfM)
3. The Social Inclusion Club (members only)

1. Continue to procreate, you may need to eat your young
2. Watch Survivor Man and remember which bugs are edible
3. Start planting food now, like lasagna trees (are Hot Pockets annual or perennial?)

1. HI
2. I'M
3. FROM

1. The National Hockey League (national is already in it!)
2. The Lesbian Gladiator Website (I’m begging you here)
3. The Daily Discord  (Soon to be America’s Only News Source)

1. Bankruptcy Lawyer
2. Crises Worker
3. Suicide Hotline Operator

Aries (March 21-Aril 19) Your Hyundai will explode leaving a better handling black thing in your driveway. Bad week to eat licorice.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) You will be controlled by aliens from Rigel 4. They will make you act out the funnier American Idol episodes.

Gemini (March 21-Aril 19) Avoid dangling midgets.