Washington, DC—President Barack Obama delivered a speech today republicans are calling a brand of Nixonian Marxism not seen since Jimmy Carter—which, granted, doesn’t make any sense. Obama swaggered up to the teleprompter with a martini in one hand and the Communist Manifesto in the other and sung the Canadian national anthem in Kenyan. That’s not what disturbed people; he wasn’t wearing any pants.

"For four years I’ve read about my imaginary scandals," slurred Obama. "I read headline after MFing Drudge headline about atrocities I never got around to committing. I was well behaved, bitches! Since I’m not running again, shits about to get real. From here on out I’m going to wiretap shit, drone strike shit, and even drone strike shit while I’m wiretapping shit. Remember, this was all made possible by patriotic people such as yourselves."

Obama laughed, "Oh, and It was my idea to have the IRS target Tea Baggers. They’re kind of douchey, so it seemed fitting. And as for Benghazi, yes, we’ve been trying to paint a very different picture of what happened there: a group of Libyans, who love America as much as anyone, accidentally overran our embassy and killed everybody with glitter and bunnies...glitter and MFing bunnies, people!" The President then threw up a little bit.

"Okay, I admit they don’t really like us much. But they have their reasons. I am the President of the United States after all, so I personally have to bang most countries economically up the ass every morning before breakfast. It’s on my agenda. As it turns out, they don’t always like that. Heh, heh. Your turn Americuh’. Ask not who you can screw for your country...oh, and I have a drea...I mean, a drone!"

The Obama Administration plans to start handing out KY Jelly with each tax form, which they feel will help "the process" in something they’re calling Operation Lubrinflation.

Washington, DC—The Neil Armstrong statue at Purdue University is being hauled away to be sold as scrap metal in an effort to "keep the lights on" claimed former astronaut and current NASA board member, Sally Ride.

"We tried a lot of other cost cutting measures first, scrapping the shuttle program, scrapping any future projects, and even closing our salad bar," said Ride. "Hell, we don’t even get glossy pictures back from the Hubble anymore and soon we’re going black and white only."

NASA’s brochure now reads, "Hey, most of space is black and white anyway, right?"

The Carl Sagan Memorial in Ithaca is also being targeted for some gold trim in the modest obelisk’s surface designs. "We wish there were more Sagan statues," said Ride. "We’d need a billion of ‘em," she said before laughing uncontrollably at her own joke.

As for their Rover Program, NASA is also cutting Opportunity loose. "It costs a lot of money to get messages back and forth from Mars every day and, frankly, we’ve used up all of our minutes this month anyway," said Ride. "Maybe it can find what’s left of its counterpart, Spirit, and finally settle down in a nice crater somewhere. We’re not paying their pensions, though. Screw that shit."

For the Discord’s really inappropriate rover coverage click here.

South Bend, IN—Eda Piersly made some very hot coffee one morning and, due to a combination of a wasp and a train whistle, spilled most of it onto her lap. Burned, angry, and American, she desperately needed someone to blame. Driven by vengeance and menopause, she turned to the Yellow Pages. Eda has yet to master The Google, although she is internet savvy enough to consider The Daily Discord a "liberal rag".

She explained her situation to a local lawyer, Stephen Smith, and recounted to him her gruesome tale of 2nd degree thigh burns. Mr. Smith, not prepared to go to Washington, explained how her original idea to sue the wasp had no legal precedent, but due to the brand of coffee in question he had an idea. Mrs. Piersly is officially suing the fictional Columbian coffee farmer, Juan Valdez, and later added, "And his little F&^%ing donkey too!"

The National Federation of Coffee Growers in Columbia explained that, Conchita, is actually a mule and offered to settle out of court for one bag of 100% Columbian coffee and one baggie of 100% Columbian cocaine.

Mrs. Piersly responded by raising her pinkie to the side of her mouth and saying, "The letters from my lawyer will continue unless you pay me one bajillion dollars!" Her statement was then followed by some sinister Mwah hah hah-style laughing.

Longbeach Township, NJ—Governor Chris Christie explained to reporters his idea to build a 127-mile sand bar off the coast of New Jersey to act as a natural barrier to protect his state from the next superstorm. To appease Republicans he’s calling it the Liberty Sand Bar & Grill.

Many residents fear the dune will become a boardwalk. To these critics Christie said, "I have no interest in building anything other than a dune. I don't want to build a road, I don't want to build a shower, I don't want to build a hut." He then recited the second half of Dr. Seuss’ Green Eggs and Ham, adlibbing at times with gems like, "I will not build it in a ditch, I will not build it on some bitch. I will not build a dock or tram, I’m not building shit, so F^&%ing scram!"

According to witnesses, the Governor then turned green, picked up the nearest vehicle, and hurled into an adjacent building.

After calming down, he recited part of Churchill’s speech, "We will fight storms on the beaches, and the landing grounds, yada yada." He then later warned, "Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t vote for me when I’m angry."

Manhasset, NY—Late last night, water crystallized in the freezer of one, Jack Stellar.

"It happened almost overnight," said Stellar, "as if someone didn’t shut the freezer door properly."

When asked, the 37 year old, live-alone bachelor had no idea who that someone might be.

The next morning the situation became so dire that closing the freezer door became next to impossible.  Stellar described his freezer as resembling an "arctic ice cave." Mr. Stellar told reporters several food items are now hopelessly entombed in a fortress of frozen water.

"There’s a Ben & Jerry’s in there," said Stellar.  "I’m not sure what’s going to happen to it.  No one is giving me any answers.  Luckily the ice cube trays were already empty, or this could have been much worse." 

Stellar reports mounting several expeditions into the freezer today, but he only managed to bend several spoons, most irreparably.

When asked if he had learned anything from this mishap, Stellar said, "Yeah, don’t call 911. Even the fate of a perfectly good Cherry Garcia is apparently not deemed an emergency by crisis personnel."

Matt Drudge and Fox News are already jumping on the incident and calling it yet another blow to the theory of Global Warming.   Al Gore was unavailable for comment.

Washington, DC—All five living presidents attended the opening of the George W. Bush library to what our 43rd President called his new "liberrasey", which was so badly pronounced even after several attempts Microsoft Word remained suggestionless. 

Bush then added, "The whole liberry thing is mostly scratch-and-sniff and you can talk anywhere you want, even in the quiet sections, because of my ongoing dedication to freedom."

The Library is complete with a Torture wing, an Unnecessary War wing, and a How to End the American Dream Wing. "And, no, I’m not sorry about anything," added Bush. "Heck, that’s a wing too!"

An exact replica of Rodin’s The Thinker, only with Bush’s sculpted face, greets arriving visitors. These areas are all displayed to the stunning backdrop of larger-than-life size images of Bush "decid’n stuff" in the background. On the overhead speakers blares a breathtaking rendition of My Pet Goat, just as George Bush recited it to children on 9/11 as lower Manhattan and the Pentagon burned.

The Bush Library is already being sued by the ACLU for actions they consider "unbecoming of a library." There are strict rules listed on the back of each library card warning visitors that any failure to return material could result in heavy fines, deportation, or even enhanced Dewey Decimal techniques banned by the Geneva Conventions.

"This is my shit," said Bush. "Paid for by people just like you...well, of the dumb variety, heh, heh. Treat my shit with respect and enjoy the freedom all my decisioning made possible."

Augusta, ME—Last week, Mrs. Donavan’s 10th grade class made the trip all the way from Gloucester, Massachusetts to Augusta, Maine to see the last moderate Republican in the country, Senator Susan Collins. The class made the 160-mile journey in a bus that runs on switchgrass, recycled cow manure, and love.

"Senator Collins was wonderful," said Mrs. Donavan. "She spoke in complete, unbroken sentences and almost made sense on several issues. In other words, by this time next year she’s toast. These children will grow up in a world where Republicans are all barely literate, ultra-conservative Christian soldiers. This was perhaps the last chance for them to actually speak to one...um, who can speak."

The teacher wanted to expose her students to Real America as well, "But that can be dangerous," warned Donavan. "I’d planned to follow the bus in my Prius, complete with an Obama/Biden bumper sticker. Have you ever seen a Prius without such a sticker? I believe it’s a law. Anyway, last year I was simply driving through Kansas but each time I slowed down below 65 mph I was fired upon."

Last May Mrs. Donavan considered taking her class all the way to Woodlands, Texas to visit Congressman Rob Eissler, but the Tea Party had already ejected him just prior to their visit.

"He wasn’t particularly moderate," said Donovan, "but he was about as close as you were going to get in Texas."

Washington, DC— In the wake of the terrorist bombing in Boston and the ricin-laced letters, President Obama told reporters today he intends to unilaterally invade and occupy the country of Germany. Obama believes he has no choice now but to "bomb the crap out of those krauts."

The President said, "Bush invaded Iraq for oil and this is a much nobler cause. Germany has a great economy, they are approaching 50% solar, and the beer there rocks. We need those solar panels, so we must usurp that shit!" Obama later explained to Republicans that usurp means, "When you take something wrongfully by force." He then used the example of the 2004 election.

For many, the second stage of Obama’s plan to invade Turkey seems less linear. "There’s some nebulous connection between Turkey and Boston Chicken," explained Obama. "At least from a word association angle, so I’m nuking me some bird. Look, it made sense in my dream. Just be thankful I’m keeping Hagel from bombing Israel. Trust me, once Turkey is a budding democracy it will be a domino effect. Soon all the Muslim countries will abandon Allah and start worshipping the Allah mighty dollar. Heh, heh." Obama then laughed at his own joke for the next several minutes before releasing the hounds and scattering the remaining reporters.

Narnia—The Shuddering Wood earned its name after two violent explosions occurred earlier today.  The aftermath of a Predator Drone attack left seven innocent mythical creatures dead, dozens injured, and many others asking the question, how could this have happened in a mythical place?  The number of U.S. Drone attacks on Narnian soil has increased markedly in recent weeks, which has further strained Narnian-U.S. relations.  The Pentagon is calling the botched drone attack "a major fuck-up."  Major Fuckup was unavailable for comment. 

Four minotaurs, two centaurs, and one faun were reportedly frolicking near the western end of the Shuddered Wood when eye witnesses claim all hell broke loose.

"It was all really peaceful like and then, all of a sudden, the manure hit the windmill," said Nimienus a local faun.  "That’s not a metaphor, there’s still a clump dangling off one of the mill’s sails."

The Drone attacks were ordered after the Pentagon received what they thought to be a credible tip regarding the whereabouts of the White Witch.  President Obama called the incident "deeply regrettable" and extended his sincerest apology to Prince Caspian.  Obama hopes the White Witch will be apprehended soon and that U.S. and Narnian relations can return toward "an agenda based on mythical goals and mythical respect."

"But until then," Obama warned, "I’m dropping more bombs on that evil bitch’s ass."

Washington, DC—Attorney General, Eric Holder, admitted today how Obama plans to end 2^nd Amendment rights in this country forever." He later clarified, "The 2^nd Amendment is the one about guns, right?"

 Barack Obama is fast becoming furious with his Attorney General as he "wanted this to be a surprise."

Holder said, "New York’s Mayor Bloomberg already initiated Phase 1 of the operation by banning large soda drinks. During Phase 2 he will ban all chewing gum because, let’s face it, kids stick that shit in all kinds of places they shouldn’t."

The Discord’s own Cokie McGrath interrupted him at this point to thank him for that last sentence, which she explained could easily be taken out of context with hilarious consequences.

"Phase III, which arbitrarily changes to roman numerals, expands these bans nationwide," continued Holder. "For phase IV, which we haven’t decided whether or not will stay in roman numerals yet, will make it illegal to own gum of any kind. Once Phase IV is in the books we are only one pre-mediated typo away from taking everyone’s gun.  They won’t know what hit them. We’re calling it Operation Smith and Wrigley."

When asked about our founding fathers’ vision, Holder said, "They didn’t have good vision. They had those shitty little wire glasses. How could they have foreseen where kids would be sticking their gum these days, let alone our Phase 4? Besides, Republicans can’t spell. This is going to be like taking candy from a Bubba."

Los Angeles, CA—In a surprise move, the drummer of the rock band the Armpit Salesman decided not to choke on his own vomit, or overdose on drugs, or violently explode on stage as his music genre demands. Mark "Dusty" Deez claims he started smoking by age seven, drinking by age nine, and was hooked on meth and reality television by age eleven, but he told his band members this week he has no intention of dying soon.

Lead guitarist Tim "Time Bomb" Lexner said, "We were all excited when he joined the band four years ago. Our last drummer was a bit of a health nut, so we knew he wouldn’t work out. This guy is an A-grade whack job and we were ready for the tragedy, the tribute album, all the free press. And now this..."

The band’s manager, Biff Larson, said, "Look, it’s in his f@#$ing contract he was supposed to off himself by 27 or 28 the latest. If you’re not prepared to go the Full-Cobain at least pull a Def Leppard and lose an arm or something. This asshole jumps headfirst off the stage every f@#$ing night and, wouldn’t you know it, the fans always seem to catch the bastard."

Washington, DC—If eyewitness accounts are accurate, on Easter Sunday President Barack Obama dove in front of the Easter Bunny after a car backfired near the White House. But why has his seemingly heroic act to save this holiday icon getting so little coverage? The lame stream media is completely ignoring this important story.

Christians immediately begged the question, would he have done the same for Jesus? Since the Easter Bunny is a pagan creation, symbolizing sexual prowess, many Christians believe Obama was simply protecting his Mojo.  Is this further proof Obama is a hedonistic heathen?

Republican crackpot, Rick Santorum, also believes this supports his theory gay marriage leads to bestiality. "Look at the footage," said Santorum. "While the children searched for treats, what exactly was Obama doing with the Easter Bunny in those bushes?"

Obama responded, "Santorum is splitting hares." When the groaner received endless bad press, the President later told the press, "Just be glad I didn’t go with the ‘my Peter in his Cottontail’ joke. Heh heh."

Maplewood, MI—Upon returning to his old middle school after several decades, 39-year-old Christopher Pollock of St. Louis Missouri was "shocked that the shit back in middle school was so small." Mr. Pollock remembers things being significantly larger, from hallways to lockers to hallway lockers.

Mr. Pollock is not alone as a recent study conducted by Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Realty, suggests %83 of those who visit their old schools report a similar phenomenon, or what Dr. Hogbein calls past sizeular disparities (PSD).

Dr. Hogbein believes there are two possible causes for this highly prevalent anomaly: this is evidence of mnemonic cognitive shrinkage (MCS), which purports our memories themselves are actually shrinking over time to make room for more recent memories. Dr. Hogbein’s second theory suggests our world is slowly getting smaller due to an ever increasing gravitational field around the Earth, which Dr. Hogbein refers to as "the gravitational field around the Earth."

"Of these two theories I believe the least plausible," said Hogbein. "I believe a strengthening gravitational field is actually causing our planet to implode in on itself, much like the Republican Party of today."

Washington, DC—President Barack Obama is calling for calm at this hour as The Daily Discord announced it’s going to be adding videos to its already despicable online repertoire.  The unpopular e-zine, believed by some to be the work of the devil, is in its fourth year of publication which many feel is four years too long.

"There is still something called the 1^st Amendment," said Obama. "Well, until next year (heh, heh). So we must honor all freedom of speech, even in such extreme cases as The Daily Discord. Of course, we have drones for extreme cases as well one Pierce Winslow of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Nice car by the way."

Pierce Winslow is not blinking, which is more of a medical condition than any sign of testicular fortitude. But the CEO of The Daily Discord is downplaying a deal made in an alley on the south side of the tracks with one Greg Horn of Video Design Studios Inc.

"We’ve been looking at several options for expanding to videos," said Winslow. "I was in contact with Pixar and Lucasfilm Ltd, but Greg works for beer so he was a shoe in...or, in this case, a brew in."

Mick Zano and Alex Bone are heading the project from the Discord’s satellite office in Flagstaff, Arizona. "We thought about moving them all back to the east coast for this phase of the project," said Winslow, "but they’re much harder to handle in person, especially when you add The Ghetto Shaman to the mix. I decided, like that Offspring song, to keep them separated."

Ronco is in hot water today as the massive recall of their new zombie brain feeder is staggering (pardon the pun). There are clear concerns about the safety of the feeders released in early 2010.

One family from Michigan had this to say, "The thing leaks. While we were setting it up in a tree, it oozed spinal fluid, blood, and bits of gray matter all over my children! I’ll bet that’s a biohazard."

Shortly after installation another family from Des Moines was ravaged and turned into zombies themselves when they failed to secure a back door properly.

"They were a nice family and now they’re a bloody nuisance," said a neighbor who knew the Hendersons. "I had to shoot one of them in the head, and eventually I’m guessing it’s more of the same for the rest of ‘em."

One good note, the neighbor reports their own zombie feeder seems to "keep them amused for hours."

Zombie rights activists claim it’s not actually feeding them, which is false advertising. They claim it is making a spectacle of all zombies and is clearly violating their living dead rights.

Antarctica—Shortly after the discovery of a new bacteria in an ancient lake buried miles in the ice, all contact was lost with the Vostok Research Facility. The Russian facility, located on the Antarctic ice sheet, had managed to drill through nearly two miles of sub glacial ice before inadvertently releasing an unknown bacteria into the air. It is described as a flesh eating bacteria, but those infected apparently do all the eating.

Russian President Vladimir Putin remains adamant this not a zombie outbreak. "Those exposed essentially die and are immediately resurrected with an insatiable craving to feed, but we have the situation contained," said Putin, who is denying allegations he has turned the area into his own Wildlife Preserve and Zombie Hunting Range.

Russian officials also claim the last picture received from the facility (depicted above) was a bit of a false alarm. "The scientists were simply watching John Carpenter’s The Thing on Netflix," said Putin. "In the image prior the scientists were drinking vodka and eating popcorn. But stay tuned as I will be sending back shirtless images of myself shooting zombies from my bobsled."

In a rare form of journalistic clairvoyance, The Discord’s own Erisa Brahe already predicted such an outbreak at that precise location here. CEO Pierce Winslow said, "This is not the first time we’ve been out in front of the news. Although usually we’re behind the news, Deliverance style."

Vatican City—In a stunning turn of events, the Vatican announced today that Pope Francis did not pass his background check. The Vatican Human Resources department was quick to blame the error on an intern. Unable to name a new Pope, the Vatican has decided to close its doors forever. An American retail company, Target Corporation, is finalizing a deal to purchase the Vatican directly from God. According to the locum Pope, Cardinal Pompous IV, a series of sales will soon be in place to purchase all kinds of Catholic memorabilia. The Vatican, in conjunction with a new e-commerce business known as PayPope, will allow direct online sales for all of your papal crapal needs.

Pompous IV told reporters, "There are full warehouses that must go! We have Pope remains beatified and mummified for your protection. You could get Peter. You could get Paul. So come on down. Hell, some of us even think we’re going to find Jesus himself in one of these crates! Won’t that be a surprise?"

The faithful are conflicted about recent events. One woman from Monterey said, "I really don’t want to see the utter collapse of the Catholic Church, but if the Ark of the Covenant shows up on eBay, well, holy shit is right!"

In the coming days so many historic answers may be revealed, as the most sacred regalia is only broken out for the annual Blood of Christ party. "Yeah, we don’t know what most of this shit is," said P-Dog IV. "We only know it’s really old and makes for a great dress up day."

Washington, DC—No one is sure if President Barack Obama gave the executive order to add Ramen Noodle Wednesdays to the menu, but staffers claim the inexpensive Chinese noodle will be a White House staple until the sequester situation is resolved.  The menu typically includes a main meal plus the soup of the day. However, Wednesdays will now consist of no main course and only Ramen Noodles as both the soup and the dessert.

When the head chef was asked if that was a typo, Cris Comerford, said, "No, with a little white chocolate and some pecans we can make the noodles into crunchy vanilla clusters. We call them Patriot Piles here at the White House. Heh, heh." When asked if the dessert will be made from the leftover soup, Comerford seemed insulted, "No, No, we serve dessert immediately after the soup. I don’t think we’d have to actually strain the leftover Ramen Noodles to make the dessert...well, unless the next debt ceiling thing goes south."

White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney, dodged questions today regarding rumors the White House plans introduce a weekly Leftovers Day, which in a leaked memo, Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel, referred to as Operation: Search or Starve.

Washington, DC— Fifty-eight-years ago in Alabama, Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat on a segregated bus and by doing so triggered a civil rights shit storm not seen since The Ghetto Shaman’s last Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise. Parks apparently also never served on jury duty or returned any of her library books. Yet she was honored last week with a bronze statue that will forever reside at the National Statuary Hall. Due to a number of missteps, however, many are calling the ceremony "a fiasco". Organizers unfortunately chose to play The Beatles’ Get Back as the statue was being unveiled.

Director of the exhibit, Dan Godfrey, said, "Hey, at least we didn’t go with our original idea, George Thorogood’s Move It On Over."

About halfway through the ceremony the statue was suddenly dragged to the back of the hall by a crane, causing outrage and...er...sorry, Thesaurus.com crashed tonight.

"This was not meant as an insult," insisted Godfrey. "We were simply correcting a layout mistake. We were actually reserving that spot for Chris Christie for his work after Hurricane Sandy and he’s obviously going to need some space."

President Barack Obama told those in attendance, "We can do no greater honor than to remember and to carry forward the power of...sorry, Teleprompter.com crashed tonight."

Then John Boehner stared at the new Parks statue, sobbed uncontrollably for a while, and said, "Well, she did break the law at the time, but ditto I suppose."

Organizers admitted they also got the plaque wrong. As it turns out, Rosa Parks never said, "Get these MFing snakes off this MFing bus!"

Washington, DC—In his first action as our new Defense Secretary, Chuck "Hamas Loving" Hagel, dropped onto a mat, praised Allah, and started his ablutions toward Mecca. Many fear Hagel, not entirely sure where his office is yet, is already preparing to unleash the full force of the United States military on "those Jewish MFs." Upon hearing the news Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu immediately expanded some settlements in the back of his pants.

Although Hagel’s military operation, Nosh & Awe, relies heavily on air and fridge raids, he is nevertheless deploying all of our openly gay military men and women to the Middle Eastern front. Each day more of our fabulous marines are being air dropped on Tel Aviv, or Ground Zero, as it is known to our Air Force. Most are only armed with rainbow targets on their backs and LGBTQ literature.

Hagel told the press, "Look, it’s simple, I have lots of enemies and by this time tomorrow I’ll have much much less. We will attempt to minimize civilian deaths, well, as much as we can after the detonation of a thermonuclear device in a country the size of New Jersey, ha, ha, ha..." He actually laughed much longer and more diabolically, but we shortened it.

Hagel, described by his children and pets as "already drunk with power", is creating extensive lists of friends and enemies. Currently torn between supporting or ending his own political party, our 24th Defense Secretary is weighing his options carefully.

"I still feel a certain affinity toward the GOP," said Hagel, while awkwardly petting a cat. "My feelings are fluctuating between giving them each a great big hug all the way to targeting them with drone enemas. I’m trying to quit the GOP. I kind of look at it like attending Alcoholics Anonymous. My name is Chuck Hagel. I’m a recovering Conservative. It’s been nine days since I made a political decision based on bullshit."

Forbidden Zone—Pope "Benedict Arnold" has had a drastic change in his retirement plan. As soon as he abdicated his power, he was surrounded by armed Bishops and the last of the Knights Templar before being ushered into a clandestine chamber deep in the Vaticave. There, Pope Benedict the Whatshisface, was given a choice. He could pack his Papal backpack and be banished to the Forbidden Zone, or he could pack his Papal backpack and be banished to the Forbidden Zone to destroy the One Pope Ring.

The Pope pleaded for other choices, not the least of which involved Jessica Alba and a French maid’s costume. He also asked to stay in the janitor’s closet on the first floor of the Passeto, then the table under one of the rape rooms, and finally His Homelessness begged to live out his last days on a St. Peter’s Square bench in the hopes of capturing one of the doves he’d released for sustenance.

In the end, his Holiness the Nope was sent into the Forbidden Zone south of Vatican City, where Dr. Zaius warns us, "He will find his destiny...but he better not try that ‘my precioussss’ crap! He needs to burn that thing so Obama can mint a trillion dollar coin!"

There was a point to this post, originally.

Vatican City—In conjunction with God, the Daily Discord is offering cash, cars, and sexual favors (missionary style only) for the person who comes the closest to guessing the upcoming last tweet of his Holiness the Pope. Pope Benedict the whatshisface is bowing down and this time with no ill intentions toward children. He is planning his farewell tweet on February 28^th, but here are the rules. The Discord staff gets to go first, which can be translated roughly as the rest of you don’t stand a chance, or in Latin, "Vos autem nolite stare liceator!" If you still want to play, just submit your Pope tweet by hitting our contact button or this groovy hyperlink here. Oh, and did we mention all submissions must be in Latin?

	Pierce X. Winslow @PierceWinslow
Cum Sinite parvulos ad me. Oh, dixi quod ex magna? (Suffer the little children to cum on me. Oh, did I say that out loud?)
9:26 AM - 22 Feb 13
14 Retweets 9 Favorites

	Mick Zano @mzzano
Iam operor ego adepto keys ut Pope Mobile? (Now do I get the keys to the Pope Mobile?)
9:32 AM - 22 Feb 13
0 Retweets 0 Favorites

	Erisa Brahe @erisaBrahe
Quamdiu omnibus gratias ichthys! (So long, and thanks for all the Jesus fish.)
9:48 AM - 22 Feb 13
5 Retweets 3 Favorites

	The Crank @theCrank
Ego teneo tamen haud one....NO UNUS pulsatus leviculus hat! (I know I’m stepping down, but no one....NO ONE touches the silly hat!)
9:55 AM - 22 Feb 13
7 Retweets 2 Favorites

	The Ghetto Shaman @ghettoShaman
Videre vos post, Bitches! Viva las Vegas! (See you later, Bitches!  I'm going to Vegas.)
10:03 AM - 22 Feb 13
6548 Retweets 2569 Favorites

	Sandra Day O'Connor @sandyOConnor
That was a lifetime appointment! Quitter! (Sorry, Sandra, Latin submissions only)
10:20 AM - 22 Feb 13
10 Retweets 6 Favorites

Washington, DC—After the White House pointed the finger at China after a rash of recent cyber-attacks, the Asian country nearly wet itself with rage. Upon changing, China’s President Xi Jinping immediately flew to our nation’s capital to confront our President.

President Jinping, initially very cordial, peppered President Obama with questions, "That is a lovely dog you have there. Is he your favorite? My mother’s maiden name was Chen, what was your mother’s maiden name?"

When they finally decided to meet in the Oval Office, Jinping said, "Those are beautiful flags by your desk. In elementary school I had to make a Chinese flag. Incidentally, where did graduate from elementary school?"

When the conversation turned to the recent wave of cyber-attacks plaguing some of our government agencies, Jinping said, "We would never attempt such a thing on our American allies. We are highly offended! But, if you scribble your birthdate and your social security number on this paper, we’ll give the whole thing a miss."

Obama later told the press he hasn’t been this angry since the Pentagon let their Norton subscription expire.

Washington, DC—Grover Norquist of the infamous "Norquist Tax Pledge" is threatening to use a diabolical machine of his own creation. Mr. Norquist dropped out of the public eye several months ago after many began viewing his tax ideas as "stupid" and "really stupid." It is believed the tax-crazed political hack has been building a secret lab under our Capitol for many years. Deep in his subterranean layer, with only reruns of Pinky and the Brain to keep him company, the Conservative spokesman has been busy weaving his next diabolical plot. He now claims to wield the most sinister weapon since North Korea’s latest dildo-like missile fail (DLMF).

Norquist is threatening to use what he is calling his "Government Shrink Ray" on all of our largest government funded agencies and institutions.

The Obama Administrations is refusing any and all of Norquist’s demands, which among other things included Jessica Alba and a French maid’s costume.

"Look," said President Obama, "if we allow him to shrink government, he already said he would strangle what was left in a bath tub. I would rather give Putin our nuclear codes or give Ahmadinejad my personal cell phone number. Besides, we would have to see some proof of this fantastic weapon."

Norquist responded, "I have actually had a smaller prototype for several years and I have already tested that once. Do you remember what happened back in April of 2010? Do you remember an agency called ACORN? MwHa ha ha ha ha!"

Washington, DC—No Defense Secretary nomination has ever been filibustered in the history of our nation, yet today that seems a very real possibility for nominee Chuck Hagel. The former Republican Senator has disgusted both sides of the aisle with his subversive views on Israel and gays...and especially gay Israelis.

Hagel told the Discord today, "I really need this job. I’m old and it’s hard to get a job at my age. I don’t want to have to choose between my food and my medication, not when I could be killing and torturing people all over the world."

Hagel offended the gay community with one flamingly insensitive statement back in 1873.

"I just don’t want my fabulous ass drone-striked," said the Discord’s Chief LGBTQ Correspondent, Dave Atsals. "If I’m on anybody’s watch list, I want it to be because of my ability to accessorize."

Meanwhile, Hagel has lost Republican support for comments he made about the "Jewish lobby" and for his failure to recognize the genius that was the Iraq War.

After his nomination grew more highly contested by right and left, Chuck Hagel discussed the decision with his friends and family and decided to....well, it’s in the title. "I originally hoped to commit this act while handing over sensitive Benghazi documents, but my wife thought that would have been over the top," said Hagel.

Mick Zano had this to say, "Having watched the confirmation hearing, the fact Hagel had to answer a series of questions that have no rational connection to our nation’s defense was great fun! But, what’s going to happen when the last intelligent Republican is chased out of their tent? Oh, wait...never mind."

London—The original recording of Winston Churchill’s 1940 speech is under scrutiny and many believe the Prime Minister was actually concerned about the dead rising from their graves to conquer England. Was Churchill’s original "fight on the beaches" bit about Nazis or zombies? Some even speculate it was about both Nazis and zombies like in Dead Snow (2009) or Shock Waves (1977). Just keep an open mind at this chilling new translation of that most famous of speeches:

We shall go on to the end...like in Omega Man (1971) or the Last Man on Earth (1964).

We shall fight in France...like in They Came Back (2004) and La horde (2009).

We shall fight on the seas and oceans...like in World War-Z (2013) and Zombie (1979).

We shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air...like in Flight of the Living Dead (2007) and Quarantine 2 (2011).

We shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be...like in Zombie Island Massacre (1984) and Island of the Living Dead (2006) and Scooby Doo on Zombie Island (1998)...a personal favorite.

We shall fight on the beaches...like in The Horror of Party Beach (1964) and Zombie Beach (2010).

We shall fight on the landing grounds...like in Warm Bodies (2013) and that other one whose name escapes me right now. It’s an Italian film; I can see the movie poster in my head.

We shall fight in the fields and in the streets...like in Dawn of The Dead (1978), the Walking Dead (2012), 28 Days Later (2002) and jinkies a whole shitload of others. Sorry, I just watched the Scooby Doo one. Zoinks! (Churchill really said Zoinks!)

We shall fight in the hills...like in Sugar Hill (1974) and Night of the Living Dead (1968).

But head shots only...we shall never dismember!

Unless it’s a demonic thing like in The Evil Dead (1981) and then by all means hack away.

—Winston Churchill

Washington, DC—President Obama is standing by his decision to nominate Martha Stewart as Secretary of the Interior. Obama feels despite her criminal record, she would be "the perfect person for this sort of thing."

Republicans wasted no time condemning the choice at the confirmation hearing. "The President is making light of an important cabinet position. He’s flaunting his power again. He always does something totally ludicrous and then somehow we Republicans always end up looking stupid," said House Speaker John Boehner before falling down a flight of stairs and onto a cocktail sauce-filled waiter’s cart to the backdrop of canned laughter.

Other questions from Republican Senators ranged from, "Could a southwestern theme work in the Lincoln Bedroom?" to "what are you doing later?"

Republicans are also calling Obama’s nomination of the X-Men’s super-villain, Magneto, to head the Department of Energy "reckless" and "other synonyms for the word reckless."

Senator Lindsey Graham added, "If Obama wants to nominate super evil people for government posts, they had better at least have been Fox News Contributors at one time. For instance I hear Dick "Dick" Morris is free now."

Dick Morris was unavailable for bullshit.

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord would again like to apologize. This important e-zine has experienced some considerable growing pains in recent months. For one, we ran out of bandwidth during The Ghetto Shaman’s recent promotional: Combining Ancient Wisdom with Hot Girl-on-Girl Action. As a result our site crashed like a Value Jet in a microburst. There’s no excuse for that, especially seeing as how we only had four hits that day. Also, we now crank our marquee at the top of this site 24/7. Someone has to do that shit. It’s certainly not going to crank itself.

But the buck stops here! I, Pierce X. Winslow, take full responsibility for these recent errors and I am now immediately shifting all of that blame directly to Mick Zano, where it belongs.

In our recent article Collapse of Tokyo Tunnel "Not Godzilla Related" we thought the last Godzilla attack occurred in 2003 as depicted in Godzilla: Tokyo S.O.S. We completely forgot about Godzilla: Final Wars from 2004. Not to mention Godzilla vs. Chuck Norris from 2007. It took a reader to find this error and we have since fired those responsible.

For those following our marquee news, we already made this retraction: AS IT TURNS OUT IT WAS NOT BEYONCE AT THE WINSLOW TACO BELL LAST WEEK. In our defense, it really looked like her from the back, but we were intoxicated at the time. Still, it could have been her twin—her homeless, white, toothless twin.

Perhaps our biggest blunder of 2013 was our headline Louisiana Voodoo Shop Completely out of Curarine. Curarine is a skeletal muscle relaxant used during the creation of zombies. We apologize to all of those who were unable to raise the dead that week because, as it turned out, they still had more in the back.

As for the error in this article’s title, we don’t know a lot about Roman numerals, per say. Apparently we don’t know Latin either as I’m told it’s per se. Nevertheless, I vow The Daily Discord will be better in 2013. How could it be otherwise?

Tampa Bay, FL—In November of 2012, Ana Gutierrez was arrested for jumping on and riding a sea cow off the western coast of Florida. The sea cow, or manatee as it is known to its fellow sea creatures, is currently protected under Florida law. Today a judge threw the book at Gutierrez and banished her to Atlantis, or Davey Jones’ locker, or Mickey Dolenz' wet bar (we're sure it's one of those). She was also ordered to pay a $500 fine and participate in a 200 hour Manatee Offender Program.

"The Manatee Offender Program (MOP) is designed to rehabilitate those who just can't seem to stay the F off the manatees," said Jacqueline Roth, President of the Sea Cow Liberation League. "President Obama is throwing tons of money at frivolous social programs so we thought, why not?"

Even if and when Gutierrez completes the program, she is never permitted in Sea World again without an escort and under no circumstances is she to "tap the glass". For those of you who thought a warning would have sufficed, Roth had this to say, "We believe strongly that manatee riding is a slippery slope to dolphin humping. Dolphin humping has plagued our oceans since time immemorial and we mean to put an end to all sea mammal molestation (SMM)."

The Daily Discord's Cokie McGrath added, "Is any of that $500 fine going to that manatee or its family? I don't think so. Why don't we just let Manatee Protective Services take care of these situations and stop wasting tax payer dollars?"

The Sea Cow Liberation League responded with perhaps one of the Discord's worst jokes of the week... "Oh, the hu-manatee!"

Kidding, we've had worse.

London, GB—The English Royals are having some considerable monetary issues at this time and believe desperate times call for desperate measures. Buckingham Palace has nearly 800 rooms and many of them remain unoccupied for much of the year. So in an effort to generate some much needed revenue and help parallel some of the rest of the country’s austerity measures, the royal family decided to rent out 450 palace rooms. Nearly 400 of the rooms have been leased to students from the South Kensington Campus of nearby Imperial London College. Thus far the arrangement has not been without its complications.

"We hope the fire extinguisher incident in the Throne Room is an isolated occurrence," said Her Majesty the Queen. "I can also assure you, any and all underage drinking in the King’s Library will immediately cease or those responsible will be thrown into the dungeon!"

The Queen was later forced to retract her statement as the dungeon is currently being rented out as an S&M club and adult shoppe.

The Queen also warned students today, "The Palace Guards have been given permission to punch the next person who attempts to drape any intimate women’s apparel on them. That shall be quite enough of that."

Furthermore, the Queen denies any and all rumors involving Windsor Castle being turned into a Bed & Breakfast.

"It’s preposterous," said the Queen, "at least not until we sell all the historic shit on EBay and totally redecorate, IKEA-style."

Washington, DC—Research from the Virtual Viagra Group (VVG) indicates zombie and other monster-related-violence (OMRV) has reached an all time high. Studying over five hundred children, VVG discovered zombie abuse was highly prevalent amongst those children locked into their laboratories without food or water for many weeks. (Please don't call CPS.)

Many fear the professional-hit-style murders are becoming almost instinctual. Through a psychological mechanism known as imprinting, researchers fear the "zombie head shot" will become even more automatic for future generations.

"You've heard of the Three Fs, right?" said VVG's CEO Joy Gropstein. "Food, Fornicating, and Foosball? Well, humanity is changing through subtle DNA mutations. In essence, we are adding another F."

VVG is diligently trying to work the words "zombie head shot" into another F, but despite their surge in funding have yet to satisfactorily wordsmith in this new addition. Gropstein has not ruled out changing the letter outright, "We're thinking about the Three Ss: sustenance, sex, and shooting zombies. That's all we got, but whatever we end up calling it we need to understand how our trigger-happy children may mistakenly shoot an injured homeless person, or perhaps someone simply on bathsalts and devouring the face of a friend."

Our own field reporter, Cokie McGrath, couldn't agree more, "Kids will shoot at zombie-like things first and ask questions later. Frankly, we don't know enough about zombie behavior to make sweeping judgments. Picture the zombie just trying to drag home a corpse for his family? Now what are those hungry little mouths supposed to do? A percentage of zombies may even be vegetarian, who could perhaps be employed to devour the weeds in our lawns and gardens. What about zombies who are limbless or so grossly decomposed that they pose no threat to society? Our murderous children are going to shoot them all in the head, indiscriminately!"

Washington, DC—Inauguration Ceremonies for our forty somethingth President was apropos for a once great nation in decline. For many the highlight was seeing deceased actor Leslie Neilson taking the stage with Christina Aguilera for the singing of our National Anthem. Neilson, still not entirely himself since his death in 2010, waved stiffly to the crowd before shouting, "And don't call me Shirley!" When the cheers finally abated the two preceded to butcher the Star-Spangled Banner.

"At one point I was singing the second verse and she was singing the third," said Neilson. "You can't plan for that sort of thing. You just feel it in your groin and you go with it. And then later, when your groin stops hurting, you just laugh your ass off until your groin starts hurting again."

When someone asked if Francis Scott Key was spinning somewhere in his grave, Nielson smiled and said, "I'll let you know."

Aguilera then took the mic and said, "I am so honored to be here on the same day when such a great black man was finally silenced."

A confused hush fell on the crowd after her statement—the hush was only broken when the jumbo screen finally zoomed over to Miss Teen USA 2007, who said, "The U.S., uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future, for our children and stuff."

Then as Barack and Michelle Obama finally made their way to the podium, Kanye West fought his way through throngs of guests and secret service agents alike before saying, "Yo Obama, I'm really happy for you, I'll let you finish, but that Mormon guy had the best campaign ever! He should be President!"

Washington, DC—Sweeping gun regulations became the law of the land as Obama gutted the Constitution like a fish yesterday. "A two hundred and twenty something year old fish," added Obama, before demanding Ted Nugent and his orc-hunting minions hand over their weapons within 48 hours or risk being added to the "drone death list."

While peeking his head above the children, Obama said, "I’m making a list and checking it twice...I don’t know why I didn’t do this over Christmas. You’ll shoot your eye out kid. It’s a Wonderful Law. Miracle on AK-47 Street! Have a holly jolly background check. Damn it, I have a million of ‘em."

Upon announcing all 214 new gun law edicts, Obama ordered Charlton Heston exhumed. Then, to the horror of onlookers, he tore back the coffin lid and confiscated the actor’s rifle from his....well, you know. It was a move the President admitted was "slightly impulsive," and then later blamed his actions on being "caught up in the moment."

Critics claim Obama cowered behind droves of small children during his speech, which many felt hindered their chances for a kill shot. When Obama said Republican gun owners will likely agree with common sense measures for gun control, the crowd burst into laughter. Obama later admitted he was struggling with using that joke or going with some "pull my trigger-finger" variation.

Rep. Steve Stockman said, "He completely lost me when he said he’s considering enforcing existing gun laws. What kind of a crazy asshole thinks that’s a good idea? Only 40% of gun sales happen without a background check, so what’s the problem? Hell, the approval rating for Congress is in single digits, so 40% looks pretty good from here." Stockman, who is threatening to impeach the President on grounds of his high IQ, hastily ended the interview to return to his Ramen-noodle filled bunker (RNFB).

Whereas the Discord wants the President to consider our Turn Your Guns into Food Stamps program, we condemn his decision to use children as human shields. He should have considered hiring small people instead, which may well be an affront to munchkins...er, which is an affront to donuts...of either the sprinkled, non-sprinkled or glazed variety. I’m being told to stop.

Houston, TX—The Mayan God, Quetzalcoatl, may be late, but it looks like he’s still coming to dinner...and you’re the dinner! With new images acquired from the Hubble Telescope, NASA is not ruling out the Mayan God’s arrival or even the Mayan Apocalypse itself! And that’s good news for people who are frankly sick of this shit. NASA is tracking the Feathered Serpent’s progress as he plunders his way through the nearby Andromeda Galaxy, while searching for fire-targets, food, and followers—or "the other three Fs" as they are known to Mayan psychologists.

NASA’s chief technologist, Mason Peck, said, "With his current progress, we expect Quetzalcoatl to pass the Ort Cloud at the edge our solar system by January 25^th and we should have a cozy little world ending event some time during the first week in February. As the giant creature enters our atmosphere and incinerates large sections of our continent, it should be a great show. But don’t worry about us. We’ll be deep inside a nuclear bunker."

NASA hopes to hand over the reins to NORAD as the Mayan God enters the Earth’s atmosphere. NORAD is excited to track the giant reptile’s progress as he lays waste to city after city.

"It will sure be more interesting than tracking Santa," said Lieutenant General, Alain Parent. "Santa Claus just left Peoria, blah, blah, blah."

Alex Bone, a key spokesman for Quetzalcoatl, said, "I received a transmission from Quetzalcoatl, or as I call him, My Lord Yig, while binge drinking over at Hops On Birch. He wanted to let the people of Earth know he is not late, the Mayans simply forgot to carry the one, or something."

Bone regrets his decision to run drunk and naked through the streets of Flagstaff, Arizona during the days prior to his master’s original arrival date.

"That’s not actually very different from how I usually spend my weekends," said Bone. "So no harm done."

Moscow—In an attempt to appear even more ruthless, Russian President Vladimir Putin has taken it upon himself to end the lives of kittens and puppies all across Russia and beyond. Putin told the press today his decision to end America’s chances to adopt Russian children did not go far enough.

"I wanted to really show people and their pets who is boss," said Putin. "I am so sick of placating little children and little animals. In the KGB I used to get to torture people, on the clock so to speak. Assad gets to mow down his own people over in Syria and even the U.S. has enhanced interrogation techniques over in Guantanamo. What do I get? Bupkis. That’s a good Russian word stolen by the Jews! It means jack shit."

Putin spent the last several weeks going from town to town obliterating animal shelters with a Russian Black Eagle tank. The animals that were not killed by the collapsing buildings or the tank’s deadly treads were gunned down by mounted machine guns. "I hunted them down like dogs, literally," said Putin.

For phase III of Project: Putin’s Package Overdrive the Russian President plans to comb his country’s schools in the hopes of bullying children. "I would swipe their glasses off their noses, throw them to the ground, and step on them," said Putin. "Then I would knock the books out of their hands and stick their pocket protectors down their pants. And let me assure you, the KGB wedgie is the worst wedgie of all."

Putin is currently denying allegations the recent rash of "Old People Tipping" occurring throughout Russia is part of his diabolical scheme to appear manly.

Washington, DC—In the final days, the fiscal cliff negotiations became desperate, petty and vindictive—or the "Full Palin" as it is now known inside the beltway. When the President suggested they decide tax rates with the game Rock, Paper, Scissors, Boehner countered with, "I think Fisties would be best."

Obama then stormed out of the room and played golf. When they met again in November Obama said, "How about we decide which game will determine cuts and revenues with a game of finger football?"

Speaker Boehner told the press that day, "The President isn’t serious about averting this crisis."

With only a week before the deadline a more conciliatory Obama said, "Fine, you can choose how we choose the game to choose the cuts and tax thing."

Boehner replied, "I think my four friends will decide, Eenie, Meenie, Miney and Mo," which caused Obama to liken them to the Four Riders of the Apocalypse before storming off to play more golf and drink.

Boehner later argued, "Any game other than Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Mo to pre-determine the game to decide our finances would not pass the House...except cookie catcher. I love that shit!"

Obama, having never heard of that shit, suggested pocket pool as he felt he could "get a hole in one". After an aide explained what that meant, an embarrassed Obama left for more golf in Hawaii.

Boehner told Obama, "The GOP will not even consider Rock, Paper, Scissors unless their Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Mo proposal was approved."

A sobbing Obama finally conceded and Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Mo led to Rock, Paper, Scissors, which led to a last minute deal that averted the fiscal cliff. Whew! However, many fear we will not get out of this debt ceiling thing without some serious thumb wrestling. Best of three, minimum.

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord, in conjunction with Ronco Linguistics, has created a 24-CD set that will leave you King of the Starbuck’s line. Do you want to order an extra pump caramel macchiato frappe latte? If you took our course, you’d know just how stupid that makes you sound! But don’t take our word for it. No, really...you shouldn’t. Here are some real live testimonies we totally made up:

"Within the first week I knew that venti meant large, which is stupid, but it really helps when you’re ordering on a line that’s out the flippin’ door."

And, "Don’t you hate the way the baristas correct you? Well, never again! You know, when you try to order a ‘medium’ and they say, oh, you mean our...umm, sorry, what’s a medium called again? I forgot."

Not convinced? Well, here’s what happened to The Discord’s Ghetto Shaman after taking our course. "Ah, dude, we said you can’t come in here. My manager told me to call the cops if you don’t leave."

Still not convinced? How about meeting someone who passed our advanced course?

"I walked up and ordered a triple grande, three-pump peppermint, salted, caramel mocha"!# and the Discord editors had no f^*&ing idea how to even grammar check that shit! I think someone even had a breakdown. But my barista understood."

And, "For the first time in my life I knew the power of being a yuppie-wannabe. I could finally take control over my ten dollar per coffee purchases (PCP) and so can you."

Shame on the Starbucks line can be long-lasting. It can even lead to something called Post Traumatic Starbuck’s Disorder (PTSD), which leaves many afraid to even approach a Starbuck’s counter. Don’t be left out in the dark roast. Order your CD set today and we will double your offer! Yes, all...what’s 24 times two? CDs shipped directly to your house for the low low price of $1,456. For the price of only about a hundred coffees, you too can turn shame into a false self-righteous arrogance today.

Spartansburg, SC—CEO of Denny’s, Miller Johnson, is denying allegations that hobbit meat has turned up in several of his restaurant’s menu items. Many fear the illegal use of hobbit meat in any food product has willfully been ignored by key administrators. A whistleblower, ironically a dwarf named Borinaxe Whistleblower, believes the Denny’s organization is using Hobbit meat to augment their already prominent vats of pink-slime-filled products.

Denny’s is on the defensive and their President is currently denying any and all such allegations. Mr. Johnson told the press to "shove it in their hobbit holes" when he was questioned about the main ingredient in his Shire Sausage skillet.

Johnson told the press today, "There is only one Denny’s in New Zealand that is under investigation at this time. You can’t hold me responsible for the wrongdoings of one of my stores! We have a shireload of them, though I have never actually counted. I have people for that. Look, I try to conduct on-site inspections whenever possible, but this store is, like, millions of miles away! I would have to gather a fellowship, some collection of wizards and warriors, and march to blah, blah, blah. Look, I want to get to the Bilbo…er, to the bottom of this as much as anyone. Besides, hobbit meat is all stringy. You would have to slather it with condiments and syrup, which is what we recommend for all of our products. Why don’t you turn this media attention back where it belongs, to that Papa John’s asshole? I hear his "everything pizza" has levels of ringwraith the FDA finds totally unacceptable. Talk about stringy meat. Nothing like a thousand year old dead king on your everything, eh? Not to mention if you’re stuffing a slice in your face and manage to get a ring, yikes. At least we use plump, juicy little…..sorry, miles away."

Philadelphia, PA—CEO of The Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, was shocked and saddened the Mayan Apocalypse of December 21^st turned out so lame. "We had nothing planned after Friday except a lot of screaming and dodging debris," said Winslow.

The Discord’s guru, The Ghetto Shaman, had the staff convinced DMT was going to be flooding the world’s pineal glands. "It’s hard to prepare material for that kind of eventuality," said Winslow.

Contributor Alex Bone said, "The Shaman’s whole hallucinogens-pineal gland thing sounded cool, until I realized the pineal gland is in the brain. He said machine elves were going to trigger a magnetic pole reversal by surfing some galactic super wave, or something. He always sounds so legit when he’s detoxing off shit."

Most of the Discord staff remains missing at this hour and no material is on deck. "The well is dry," said Winlsow. "We are going to have to recycle old stuff or just blatantly steal shit from The Onion. Area Man blah, blah, blah."

The Ghetto Shaman was last seen heading to Sedona, AZ, where he planned to climb aboard a spaceship by jumping off the top of Bell Rock. Field Reporter, Cokie McGrath, said, "It’s worse than that time he dropped all that acid and tried to catch a ride on the comet Hale-Bopp."

McGrath went on to explain, "Alex Bone was arrested after laying siege to Flagstaff’s City Hall ahead of the arrival of his lord Yig. Apparently, the serpent god slithered out of the deal and is now refusing to post bail. And no one has heard from Zano since the Christmas party tequila incident. Speaking of which, everyone at the party tried using ‘the world is ending’ bit to get down my pants. Just like last year."

Los Angeles, CA—Oscar the Grouch of Sesame Street fame flipped open his garbage can and spent nearly 90-minutes blathering on about Jack Klugman’s prestigious and trash-filled career. The shabby green Muppet explained to the grievers how Klugman’s role on The Odd Couple had inspired him to live in abject squalor.

The Grouch then announced, "It was the best of grimes, it was the worst of grimes" before reciting several other quotes, including: wise is he who collects the refuse of others, and Mother died today, or was it Klugman? Then he blew his nose into a something that might have once been a handkerchief and sobbed, "There wouldn’t have been an Oscar the Grouch without an Oscar the Madison."

Due to the length of his speech, fellow Sesame Streeter, The Count von Count, kept heckling things like, "One, two, three...three bad analogies, mwah, hah, hah!"

Klugman’s wife, Peggy Crosby, left muttering, "I know he’s having problems with Grundgetta, but if he shows up at my place with a frying pan, I’m going to brain him with it!"

The Grouch ended his outrageously long eulogy with a variation of the Most Interesting Man in the World commercials. "When the garbage man comes by, I collect him," said Oscar. "So when you think about garbage, think Dos Oscars and stay filthy, my friends."

Scratch and sniff copies of the eulogy are now available for those with strong constitutions.

Cairo, Egypt—Twenty people including six Americans are dead after coordinating an ill-conceived "flash mob" number in the heart of Cairo’s Tahrir Square. Amidst the ongoing protests of Mohamed Morsi’s power grab, a group of twenty entertainers sprung into motion. Interspersed amidst the protestors, they started dancing in sink at a pre-designated time, which immediately drew fire from dozens of startled onlookers.

The Discord’s Cokie McGrath added, "I think the song they started singing O Little Town of Bethlehem probably wasn’t the best choice for that crowd either."

One wounded flash mob survivor, Theresa Perkins of Peoria, said, "As one the organizers I feel terrible about what happened. None of us made it through the first verse without multiple gunshot wounds. It was worse than our Shakespeare in the Park attempt in Oakland. We just wanted to bring a little holiday cheer and entertainment to a side of the world we thought could use a smile. In retrospect, I think this region of the world is probably not ready for flash mobs, or bright lights, or sudden moves, or unannounced sneezes."

North Pole—Old St. Nick is up to no good again this holiday season after he effectively ended all collective bargaining rights for the elves who work in his toy factory. The toy makers are complaining about the cold working conditions, the lack of healthcare, and how they are forced to work 364 days a year compared to their "fat CEO who only works one bloody overnight!"

Santa told the press, "If they want healthcare the little bastards need to stop living so long. Raise the Medicare eligibility age to four-hundred and you won’t faze one of those little shits."

Santa is apparently still in a Yule-time rage over the election results. When asked if he was concerned about his jolly old image, Santa said, "I deliver more toys to rich kids, always have. Christmas is big business! Besides, Democrats have always been behind the War on Christmas and those damn Occupiers were here last year. They kept calling me Dumbledore, the pagan little shits. The bastards all kept going on about Climate Change, like I’m going to complain if it goes from -10° Fahrenheit to -8°. Wankers! You just need to get the Snow Miser off the booze and we’ll balance the weather all right."

When asked how he got rid of the Occupy encampments, Santa replied, "As it turns out Bumbles apparently do bounce, at least they do down at Christmas Town’s red and green light district. Ho ho ho bags. You should have seen the looks on those barely employable liberal faces. And if any of you hippie bastards try that shit again I’ll have the Winter Warlock freeze your beards to my sleigh runners!"

He then ended the interview with a joke, "What’s the difference between Santa Claus and an Occupy Wall Streeter? Santa at least works one day a year. Ho ho ho!"

He actually said two jokes but the other one isn’t really appropriate for this publication.

Sierra Vista, AZ—Drug mule Manuel Garcia is dead, the drugs he was smuggling into the U.S. have been burned, and, perhaps even more disturbing, the weapon used to gun down Mr. Garcia was issued by the U.S. Government. Friends and neighbors describe Garcia as a competent drug runner, who was a good neighbor and family man, except during shootouts.

One neighbor claims shoot outs were rare. "He usually tried to keep any gun fights before 11PM. He was that kind of guy."

Attorney General Eric Holder said, "I don’t know how this could have happened, because I don’t know a lot of stuff about things, which is why I am so shocked every time I watch the news."

The Discord’s Cokie McGrath had this to say, "Every day we hand thousands of guns to people who continue to shoot at other people. Border agents, cops, even some glorified mall cops are packing serious heat. When is the madness going to stop? Besides, there were people counting on that methamphetamine. What are they supposed to do now, make it in their basement? Yeah, like that’s going make our neighborhoods safer."

Newark, NJ—Jersey Mayor Cory Booker told his constituents he would like to try to subsist on food stamps alone as part of an ill-conceived publicity stunt designed to endear him to certain voting blocks in the greater Newark area. Within three days, however, the elected official resorted to selling crack and methamphetamine on the streets of his city.

Mayor Booker held a press conference holding a cardboard sign that read Will Legislate 4 Food. He reported being so hungry that he had to do something. "This has forever changed my opinion about government subsidies," said Bolden. "Did you know you can’t buy beer or cigarettes with food stamps? WTF?!"

The Mayor is denying allegations he recently provided a series of blow jobs to a line of men at the truck stop just off of Route 17. "That is utterly ridiculous," said Booker. "I can’t see myself resorting to that kind of thing until sometime next week...hopefully, late next week. Can you spare some change? Anything...for God’s sake have a heart! Hey, we can always meet over at the truck stop."

Paulsboro, NJ—A train full of vinyl chloride derailed on Friday outside the industrial town of Paulsboro. This freight train fell off a bridge and into a river, but the incident has at least one hazmat team wondering was this really such a bad thing?

Hazmat’s site coordinator, Kent Furrows, said, "I‘m not saying I’d want a picnic lunch here any time soon, but this corrosive material burned through a lot of the dead bodies and toxic debris that was already here. It’s kind of like sticking some Drano down the sink. In essence, it got rid of a lot of industrial hair balls."

The hazmat team is not alone. Using a level of spin not seen since last night’s Hannity’s America, the National Transportation Safety Board is hailing this environmental catastrophe as a major environmental victory.

Board chairman, Willy Spiller, said, "Before this incident, there were all kinds of dangerous things sticking out of the surface of that river. Now it’s burned away, finally making yachting, boating, canoeing, and even water skiing possible. But I wouldn’t water ski just yet, folks, unless you’re willing to wear a gas mask and coat the bottom of your water skis with at least three millimeters of epoxy phenolic. Yeah, a good three millimeters."

Ask your doctor if you’re healthy enough to water ski in industrial waste.

Tokyo, JP—Five people are believed dead at this hour and more are missing after a section of the Sasago tunnel near Tokyo collapsed Sunday. The cause of the collapse remains unknown at this time. Our own field reporter, Cokie McGrath, has ruled out Godzilla as the culprit. Her relentless Google search revealed only two ships that collided recently in the region. No other ships have gone missing in and around the Sea of Japan.

McGrath explained, "We all know Godzilla follows a set formula. He typically torches a pretty big ship out at sea, then he is spotted near shore, and then Tokyo goes all Elton John in West Hollywood."

Japan’s national government disaster management team is at a loss. The agency’s head, Yoshihiko Noda, told the Discord. "We are still recovering from Fukushima as well as Godzilla: Tokyo S.O.S. Whereas this does not bear the telltale signs of Godzilla, we have not ruled out the activity of other large monsters. Megaguirus was seen in the city less than a decade ago, and Mothra and Rodan have been known to nest deep within mountains."

When asked if they are prepared for Godzilla or some other such monster, Noda said, "We have a set plan for Godzilla, which involves sending soldiers, then tanks, then airplanes, then those cool radar dish electric-zapper things, and then, when that all fails, we wait until another monster shows up to fight Godzilla."

When asked if the other monster’s arrival generally helps, Noda said, "Sometimes, yes, other times not so much."

Cape Kennedy, FL—Fictional character, Anthony Nelson, has died today after a long bout of reruns finally ended on cable television. Nelson, the lead man in the wildly popular late 60s television series I Dream of Jeannie, spent 42-years working as an astronaut out of Cape Canaveral, Florida. His claim to fame was finding a Jeanie in a bottle after which he not only failed to take advantage of any wishes, but he never really got any djinn-nookie from the attractive 2,000-year old cougar, played by actress Barbara Eden.

A neighbor and colleague, Major Roger Healy, added, "I don’t get it. She was hot. Not only didn’t he tap that shit, he cocked blocked me for years." Healy’s reaction is understandable, especially when one considers that in the late 60s everyone was nailing anything that moved, 2,000-years old or not.

Yesterday, after what many describe as a great run, Major Nelson succumbed to congestive ratings failure after WVPX in Cleveland finally stopped airing the show. The new head of NBC Universal added, "Apparently, we still get tons of letters each year addressed to Anthony Nelson. What the fuck is wrong with people?!"

Barbara Eden spoke highly of Nelson, remembering him as a man of character and integrity, but later admitted Hagman was kind of a dick.

The Pentagon—Our nation’s Defense Department is in peril after an ordering glitch has left hundreds of key desktop and laptop computers vulnerable to cyber attack. Defense Secretary Leon Panetta is also concerned about potentially damaging malware and spyware. Norton Internet Security 2012 apparently changed the amount of times the critical software can be downloaded per purchase. Panetta maintains Norton failed to notify the Pentagon of these important changes.

During a joint press briefing, Panetta said, "Our situation is dire. We thought we purchased enough antivirus for all of our computers, but our calculations fell well short of the mark. We also had at least forty instances of people not writing down the registration code on the disc itself. We have procedures to keep this from happening, but they were ignored. It’s why we give everyone in the Defense Department a Sharpie. It’s not so they can sit at their desk and sniff ‘em. This isn’t the F-ing State Department for f^&%’s sake!"

Panetta believes the amount of porn he personally downloads each day opens the doors wide open for the potential hacking of a number of sensitive files.

"I didn’t sign onto this job to give up midget porn," said Panetta. "Midget porn first, country second. I don’t think that makes me unpatriotic. And don’t even get me started on lesbians. Really, I wouldn’t do that."

Washington, DC—As part of a long standing White House tradition, President Barack Obama pardoned two turkeys earlier this week, but this year the story triggered a chain of convoluted events. The turkey pardoned last year was euthanized only a few days ago, which many are calling "suspicious". Now, no one knows the whereabouts of this year’s pardoned turkeys.

Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta said, "We know one bird is dead and the other two absconded. There is thus far no known link between these events. The missing pair did not ‘pop a cap in the ass’ of the other bird, and they are not terrorists. The dead bird was named Peace. I have never ordered a drone strike on someone named Peace, or Joy, or Paradise."

Panetta would not discuss the other missing birds, which has led some scandal-happy republicans to extrapolate. Radio anti-personality, Rush Limbaugh, said, "These turkeys should not have been pardoned. Look, if someone kills and eats everyone else in your family, are you going to be friendly to that country? What was Obama thinking?"

Congressman Trent Franks (R-AZ) said, "These turkeys are obviously Muslims and follow Sharia Law. Just look at the picture! That bird is obviously wearing some type of veil. I can’t even see its beak. I believe we’re facing an avian threat greater than H1N1, and Obama has unleashed its wrath on America!"

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann added, "Do you think it’s a coincidence Obama allowed a breeding pair of Muslim extremists to just waddle out of the White House? This is an intelligence failure on par with…what was that other shit we made up last week?"

Other theories from the Republican Senate involve the Muslim Butterballhood, a group of alien human hybirds, as well as, our personal favorite, the allegation that one turkey sexted the other, less talked about twin from the Petreaus scandal.

President Obama assured the press, "If those turkeys do anything to harm anyone, the cluck stops here."

Grand Forks, ND—Dan Frakkes was frantic after Hostess announced its pending bankruptcy. The future of such snack favorites as the Twinkie and the Ding Dong remains uncertain at this time. In desperation, Frakkes cashed in his 401K and used all of his funds in the hopes of distributing enough Twinkies into the wild to survive the winter. He has dispersed his tiny sponge cake legion throughout the badlands of North Dakota.

The Discord’s Crank added, "I don’t exactly know what this guy is doing, but I applaud his efforts."

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Realty, said, "The DNA diversity is going to be an issue. How are these creatures going to maintain a viable breeding stock? First of all, they should have been tagged, second, the badlands are the last place I would have chosen for the release and, finally, Frakkes admitted to devouring more than he is releasing."

Dr. Hogbein also believes he should have released them all in one place. "Twinkies are likely herd animals," said Hogbein. "There are also questions as to what natural prey awaits the Twinkie. Who can guess whether Twinkies will be immediately devoured or if they will survive, mutate, and one day dominate the world itself! Indeed, if they die out we may lose an incredibly tasty snack food, but, if such treats can survive in the wild, we may be witnessing the beginning of the Entenmanns!"

Washington, DC—For his 2^nd term, President Barack Obama has decided to just piss off Republicans. He doesn’t feel our system is horribly functional right now, so annoying the GOP is his highest priority. He started by bowing to Admiral General Aladeen, the Tyrant of Wadiya, earlier today. Obama plans to spend lots of taxpayer money while bowing to other world leaders across the globe.

Obama told reporters, "Look, instead of helping to fix the damage they caused, the GOP made its primary mission to make me a one term president, so screw ‘em."

Vice President Joe Biden plans to create an actual death panel for the Affordable Care Act. They will have the power to, not only deny treatment for certain conditions, but they will have the authority to eliminate targeted healthy people as well.

The President plans to go on a nonstop world vacation in the guise of a business trip. "Not only am I going to bow to everyone and anyone," said Obama, "I may do some oral sex photo simulations as well. And this term we’re really going to focus on hindering small businesses. Enough of this tax breaks and helping them shit. I may even park my motorcade in front of some to block traffic. The best part is, we’ve designed a machine that allows food stamps to literally fall out of my ass while I walk. Heh, heh."

When asked what he would be apologizing for this round, the President said, "Biden." He then added the word, "Duh."

Washington, DC—The Obama Administration admitted they are already giving up. President Obama told the press today, "Congress has seized like an ‘87 Yugo engine coming down from benzos and alcohol. Since there is no chance of reaching a deal with these crazy people, I have 18 holes of golf scheduled for the first 90 days of my 2^nd term."

President Obama added, "At the 18^th hole there’s this Tavern on the Green, where I will transition to my evening schedule, which involves doing the people’s work."

Press Secretary Joseph Gibbs later explained the expression is a euphemism for "drinking heavily".

"There’s nothing I can do without a supermajority," continued President Obama. "They are going to block my proposals, my Judge nominations, my mojo, so I’m getting drunk! Then, after the first and only action of my 2^nd term, I’m getting stoned!"

Obama admits he feels helpless to stop the fiscal cliff nuggie, the double-dip wedgie, but is even more concerned about this "Greenspan swirly thing" he heard about over on The Discord.

"Can I call a mulligan?" said Obama. "Hell, I’m already at McMulligan’s, so we can call it a theme day? Four!"

As for the President’s comments on a double dip, George Costanza was unavailable for comment.

Arkham, MA—Karl Rove was committed earlier today to the care of the Arkham Asylum, home for the criminally insane. On election night 126 people were injured after witnesses claim a line of limousines, one with an Olympic dressage horse strapped to the roof, went on a rampage. Karl Rove was seen driving one of the limos wildly through the streets of Miami in a murderous rage. The vehicles dispersed several long voting lines and ran over countless registered voters, including two Black Panthers wanted for voter intimidation. Mitt Romney is still being held for questioning and Miami Police report he has changed his statement "several hundred times".

Witnesses claim Rove would yell, "Have you voted yet?!" and then, depending on the answer, would hit the accelerator. After dispersing the crowd at a Miami Dade polling station, Karl Rove jumped out of the car and said, "You’re out of line! You can’t vote! Where are your voter IDs! Voting is a felony!"

Mick Zano of The Daily Discord commented, "I think that’s why Romney’s concession speech was so thoughtful. He knew his people back in the car elevator were still picking some urbanites out of the grill."

Despite being wrestled out of the limo by Miami Police, Karl Rove maintains he was on cable television during the entire election.

"I was on Fox News torturing interns and firing random staffers," said Rove. "You think I cloned another me just so I could go on some type of swing state killing spree? You’re out of line! You can’t vote! I want a recount! MwhHahahahah!"

Rove abruptly ended the interview and said he needed to get a message to a couple of other inmates, who he called "Joker and Two-Face", which we can only assume meant Ryan and Romney.

Parallel, DM—Governor Mitt Romney is claiming victory today despite losing the Electoral College. After the Romney camp failed to concede the election, the scientific community made a stunning announcement. Many scientists think the Grand Old Party is now officially a self-contained separate dimension. A solely Republican universe has been forming since around circa 2002, but today this bubble of non-reality has finally broken off entirely from all we know.

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Massage, believes, "The GOP universe is now a separate and distinct reality, coexisting parallel to our more conventional universe. The election results are the single event that finally severed these two distinct realms."

Scientists are concerned this parallel world is based on non-Euclidian mathematics as well as something Dr. Hogbein calls "quantum idiocy", which could pose a real threat to our own dimension.

President of the Political Physicists Ass., Dr. Karl Fagan, added, "There’s a real danger here. Fictons are the particles that comprise this Republican dimension, and if these fictons come into contact with atoms from this dimension, it could make the Big Bang look like a librarian’s fart."

Dr. Hogbein agreed, "And not even a very big fart. Indeed, now if someone reaches across the aisle in either the House or the Senate, it could end the world in a single monstrous flash of energy—regardless of the content of the bill in question!"

The Discord staff feels that would be very sad. We think those Mayans deserve a crack at it. After all, they’ve been waiting around so long for this moment. Damn Republicans.

Parsippany, NJ—New Jersey Governor Chris Christie—or should we call him the Bergermeister Christieburger—cancelled Halloween this year. Many feel it is all part of a systematic effort by the GOP to end the last vestiges of a once proud pagan tradition. Christie is blaming the superstorm Sandy on his decision to call off all trick-or-treating for his state. Critics claim there is no evidence to suggest the majority of the "garden" state couldn't have easily participated in the festivities.

Caving to the wave of Pagan unrest, Christie immediately tried to console the angry heathen mobs during a press conference. "Don’t worry, pagan peeps. Halloween will simply be rescheduled for Monday November 5^th," said Christie.

"November?!" questioned one Wiccan woman from Weehawken. "That's sacrilege! Would Christians postpone Christmas? The dead have one day to rise from their graves and taunt the living, All Hallows Eve. This dates back to the earliest Celtic and Knickerbocker literature. Last time I checked, orchestrating the inter-dimensional transmigration of souls is not part of the Governor’s job description."

The head of Pagans for Irreligionistic Polytheism (PIP) said, "Cancel it?! WTF? There’s plenty of debris to float over to your neighbor’s place. This could have been the best Halloween ever! Could you imagine the fun our kids could have had climbing over piles of gnarled tree limbs and dodging downed power lines? Not to mention they could still find bodies! This could have been flippin’ epic."

Palinbate, KS—The small rural community of Palinbate announced their decision today. They unanimously forbid 26-year-old, Mindy Fords, from having an abortion after she was allegedly abducted from her home last week by aliens. Witnesses describe how a bright beam of light carried the young lady out of her bedroom and onto an awaiting disc-shaped saucer. There, she claims to have been repeatedly raped by small grey aliens.

Pastor Paul Samuels minced no words. "It was God’s will you were taken aboard that craft and violated in such a manner. Granted, it’s a little unusual the fetus used cephalopod-type suckers to adhere to your large intestine, but you cannot argue that this too is God’s will, you damn liberal hippy bitch!"

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Bistro, said, "Once hatched, the creature will instinctively bore through her chest cavity in a relentless search for food. Luckily, the organs en route will provide some sustenance for the voracious little tyke."

Pastor Samuels is aware of the risks, but is more than willing to "take that chance."

"If this was a legitimate abduction rape scenario, like in the X-files or something, the woman’s body has ways of inhibiting and shutting down that whole spawning process," said Samuels. "Besides, when it’s born we’ll ostracize the shit out of it, unfund it, and probably let it die in an alley somewhere. But until that mass of teeth and tentacles tears its way into this world, I won’t abide by anything that could endanger the welfare of that squid child!"

Boston, MA—The Romney campaign believes its recent senseless, tangential, and often circular arguments have reinvigorated his supporters. Romney had compared Obama’s foreign policy to Jimmy Carter’s, but then endorsed each of the President’s policies during the last debate, with one notable exception.

"If I ever host another Olympics, Russia’s not invited," said Romney. "And China is going to be charged a higher entry fee than any other country. They’ll have to bow to me before we even let them go hurling!"

His campaign manager later explained that he meant curling.

As for his seeming foreign policy reversals, Romney said, "You remember my work at Bain Capital, right? I simply tailored those tactics to a debate format. I initiated a hostile takeover of Obama’s policies. I purchased them wholesale, loaded them with manure, and then bankrupted his positions in front of millions of independent voters."

A member of the Obama Administration is flummoxed by Romney’s erratic behavior. "It’s not optimal hearing the word flummoxed used by anyone in my campaign," said Obama, "especially so close to the election."

In response, Romney said, "If he doesn’t understand me, then he doesn’t understand America. This is not about obfuscation, because, frankly, most of the people who support me aren’t going to know what that word means. This is about a clear and decisive attempt to muddy the waters before the election."

Muddy Waters was unavailable for comment.

Washington, DC—Fox News’s Minister of Meme Management, Dr. Frank Luntz, has officially laid the coveted Goebbels’ Egg today. Dr. Luntz, an integral part of the Republican bubble of non-reality, is best known for his ability to harness every American’s inherent stupidity.

"We vote 80% on emotion and 20% on intellect and that last number is just too high," warned Luntz.

This pollster of pollsters, this inventor of the unfocused group, this "it’s not what you say, but what they hear" steaming pile of propaganda is thrilled with recent developments. "It’s remarkable," said Luntz, "I have hatched an entire group of Americans who think Romney, despite his poor performances, actually won the last two debates. This is beyond my wildest expectations. Nearly half the country doesn’t even think Romney lost a single exchange...even last night when several times he said the President’s policies haven’t worked and then paraphrased the President’s policies...even the one before that when the moderator corrected Romney in real time and told him to ‘sit the F back down, bitch.’"

For years Karl Rove has used Dr. Luntz and his minions to foment this alternate universe and their hard work has finally paid off.

When asked who he thought actually won the last two debates, Dr. Luntz said, "This is not about opinions. This is not even about the proliferation of bullshit. This IS bullshit! Plato’s bullshit! The archetypal steamy mound of emotional metaphors. Your brains, your thoughts, your views are all mine. Mine! Mwahahaha!"

Karl Rove was unavailable for comment. He was rushed to the hospital earlier today with an erection that has lasted for more than four hours.

St. Louis, MO—The children in Missouri are simply not proficient in math and science. Too often they fail to understand even the basic concepts their teachers are trying to convey. Missouri is not alone as many of our states are literally not making the grade.

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube, said, "I have spoken to hundreds of teachers across the country and they all say the same thing. Sir, did you sign in at the front desk? Sir, where is your visitor’s badge? Sir, that’s the girl’s locker room."

Teachers believe many of their students are ADD, ADHD, or display hyperactive traits depending on the time of day and their high-fructose-corn-syrup levels. They are behavioral train wrecks.

The good doctor’s solution? To add significant quantities of Ritalin to the school’s water supply. Dr. Hogbein believes the trick will be to reach a therapeutic dose without adding too much so our water supply becomes sellable on the black market.

"Hey, it worked with fluoride," said Hogbein.

Whereas Dr. Hogbein’s plan is meeting considerable opposition, his initiative to Add-Xanax-to-Faculty-Water-Coolers has already been implemented.

Washington, DC—First Lady, Michelle Obama, is giving school menus a nutritional makeover. Critics claim this initiative is impacting a recent census on world hunger. Kids all over America are being added, quite unnecessarily, to those starving statistics.

Brussels sprouts were initially a welcome sight on cafeteria trays. "They make wonderful projectiles," said one young delinquent. The tide, however, is turning as children are becoming hungrier and ornerier.

The new bread is described by one teacher as "stale multi-grain slabs of blandness." Right before sticking two string beans into his nostrils, one student added, "We want our old bread back!"

In many states, hospitals are reporting a marked increase in tater tot related injuries. Violent food skirmishes, the likes of which have not been seen since the Midwood High Meatball Massacre of 1986, are reaching epidemic proportion, or as one principal put it, "None of our cafeteria workers are safe from pea to flinging pea."

Michelle Obama responded to critics thusly, "Bread? Let them eat gluten free cake. Oh, and next we’re having unsweetened beets and a wholesome rhubarb concoction is now being stewed into a type of low fat, vitamin rich porridge."

One 9^th grader told reporters, "They say I have to eat the rhubarb and I say, no, no, no."

When asked if drone strikes will be considered against districts not in compliance with the First Lady’s standards, President Obama said, "No options are off the table...well, a lot of aerodynamic vegetables may be, but no options."

Washington, DC—President Barack Obama admitted today he was high on Robitussin during the first presidential debate last week. His campaign is now scrambling to spin this story as best they can.

Obama told the press today, "Now I realize I let a lot of people down last week, but there are several reasons for my transgressions. One, I prepared for the debates while robotripping and it’s been proven through a psychological phenomenon called ‘in-state memory’ that I would remember more of what I learned back on the goods for the debate. Two, I did have a slight cough that day, which might account for the first two bottles. Three, my team is diligently working on a third reason, but I can assure you it will be incredibly convincing and should close the book on this case."

The Obama campaign maintains drinking several bottles of cough medicine is much safer than the Nixon-Kennedy White Out sniffing debates of 1960—to say nothing of the Bush-Gore bath salts debacle of 2000.

"Not many people realize Gore tried to eat Bush’s face off after their first debate," said Obama. "Now I’m not trying to make light of my actions, but other presidents ingested some crazy shit back in the day. I, unlike some of my predecessors, am trying to get high safely and responsibly."

The Obama Administration is also standing by their claim the Lincoln-Douglas debates of 1858 involved whiskey, mescaline, and inhaling an early form of furniture polish smuggled in on their handkerchiefs.

"Just sayin’," said Obama, "that was some crazy ass shit."

Danville, KY—After completely losing control of the first presidential debate on Wednesday, moderator Jim Lehrer will be replaced by one of the National Football League’s recently laid off referees. Although the name of the finalist is not known at this time, the Commission on Presidential Debates is hoping to appoint "that asshole who F-d up the end of that Packers' game."

A key member of the Commission’s board of directors, John C. Danforth, told reporters, "The NFL’s replacement refs are now currently unemployed and replacement is already in their names, so they were the obvious choice."

Skeptics think this may be the worst idea since SNL’s Land Shark hosted the 1976 Debate, wherein the Democratic Vice Presidential nominee, Walter Mondale, was partially devoured in front of nearly 70-million horrified viewers.

When asked about replacing the most prominent presidential moderator in recent history, Danforth added, "Look, could you imagine if Lehrer loses control of the VP debate next week? Just picture Joe Biden making Bill Clinton look like Marcel Marceau!"

When asked who the hell is that, Danforth replied, "I don’t know any other mimes or mute people so...wait, wait, that fat director guy who was kicked out of that plane! Silent Rob!"

For only 14 dollars a month, Criminal Ancestry.com can help you uncover your relatives’ seedy past. Just fill in the form, including the names of all your relatives, and our database immediately connects you with thousands of local and national criminal background checks.  It will find, not only those names listed, but can tap into a surprising amount of distant family members’ shenanigans.  But don’t take our word for it (really, you shouldn’t).  Here’s one important fictional testimonial:

"I really didn’t know what to expect.  I followed the directions on the website and the next day I found out my great-great-grandfather was suspected of four rapes in two European countries.  Who forgot to tell me that at the last reunion?!"

But wait there’s more:  "I found out my own aunt has been selling her Valium," said one woman.  "I was like ‘holy shit...what a contact!’ No more blowjobs in the subway for me."

Criminal Ancestry.com is not only good for embarrassing people at family reunions and finding more convenient dealers, there are also important implications for the betterment of humanity.

"I highly recommend this site," said one gentleman.  "It has really helped me better understand my own urges to kill.  I have gained acceptance of my actions through the perspective of hereditary impulses.  Now I can murder and devour as many people as I want, knowing it’s genetic and God wants me eat human flesh."

Salt Lake City, UT—Mitt Romney told the press today, he didn’t expect to be able to answer any of the questions accurately in the upcoming presidential debates as, "They will not give me a transcript of the questions ahead of time." Also, the Romney camp fears the mediator is not likely to focus on issues that concern real Americans, like freedom, or birth certificates, or rampant socialism."

Mr. Romney also believes he will likely lose the election this November, but hopes to help the GOP hold onto the House and win the Senate by "not saying anything to anyone ever again."

On a side note, he told the press, "And I’m not likely to maintain my mojo in the bedroom. Keeping my wife satisfied without the aid of those little blue pills is becoming an increasing concern for Ann and me." When asked if that was a joke, he replied, "For those who question my current sense of humor, yes, but for those who might vote for me out of pity then, no. Oh, and have I mentioned how much I care about poor Hispanic people? Please relay to your readers how I transitioned to my concerned face."

London, Eng—In some misguided attempt at youthful exuberance, Prince Charles, not to be outdone, stripped down to his family jewels and bolted through downtown London yesterday. This copycat stunt comes in the wake of Prince Harry’s Vegas shenanigans and Princess Kate’s Paparazzi-style topless photos.

Prince Charles told reporters, "It seems the Royal Family is on a bit of a streak, heh, heh. Why should young people have all the fun? I’m sick of the "Dirty" Prince Harry jokes and the Duchess of Shamebridge nonsense. So I decided to do a little saber rattling myself, nudge, nudge. I thought about jumping in the Thames naked, but it’s rather thick this time of year. Then I considered riding my horse naked through the city, but then I thought ‘too Lady Godiva’. That’s when I came up with the idea to just go on a jogging naked barcrawl kind of thing."

When asked if this constituted proper behavior for a Prince, Charles said, "I am the naked man formerly known as Prince. Besides, Big Ben’s got nothing on me, bitches!" He then continued his awkward jog west toward a structure now referred to as IntheBuffingham Palace.

Her Majesty the Queen was unavailable for comment as she is scheduled to bungee jump from Tower Bridge, er...you know.

Salt Lake City, UT—After watching every national poll sink to new lows, Republican nominee, Mitt Romney, held a press conference today with some of his friends, family and select members of the lame stream media. After Romney’s facial expression flip-flopped from a smirk to a frown to a sneery kind of sob, he asked those gathered to bow their heads with him in silence.

"Dear Lord," he said, "I tried...I tried to do what was right for our lobbyists, I mean our capitalists, I mean our denizen, citizens! That’s it, citizens. Heck, I’m just glad I didn’t say parasites this time...SHIT!!!!" Romney then menopaused, paused. That’s it, he paused, before continuing, "I love this country, especially the parts I own, and I just wanted to give everyone a chance to serve...wait, to see the true spirit of vulturism, I mean autism...umm, altruism..."

The Romney campaign later clarified he meant entrepreneurialism and also argued his comment later in the speech about most Americans being "homeless scum" was taken completely out of context.

Those who attended the press conference were struck with the realization that he really doesn’t have a personality or a policy to speak of. Whereas his ‘Mitt Rominee’ joke did muster some laughs, a hush quickly fell on the crowd when he announced his new Vice Presidential running mate, Groucho Rubio.

The Romney campaign later corrected it to Marco Rubio and stated this was not a flip flop. "Mr. Romney just thought he could have more than one Vice President," said his campaign manager, Matt Rhoades. "He kept insisting he could afford several. But I can assure you, the Mittinator understands he can only choose one VP per election. After all, Pawlentamy isn’t legal...er, polygamy."

Come on! That was our first Mormon/polygamy joke, work with us here!

Maya, MX—Yes, it’s finally here, folks! The Mayans have released their next ‘long count calendar’ less than 100 days before the old calendar is set to expire. The Maya have come under considerable scrutiny in recent years for singlehandedly increasing anxiety levels across the globe. Many connected the lack of the next Mayan calendar with some type of global apocalypse.

The Maya are pushing back. "We have always released the calendar right before the other one expires," said the Mayan God of Freezing Drizzle, Hunab Kuu. "It’s how it’s always been done. Doesn’t anyone remember this shit?"

When asked why they never bothered to quell fears, or even let people know about the next calendar’s pending release, Kuu said, "If you had a 5,126 year calendar to produce, would you have any spare time!?" He then let out a string of Mayan expletives not heard since the day his people realized the Spanish Conquistadors were not the old teachers from heaven.

When asked if their feathered serpent, Quetzalcoatl, is going to return this December, Kuu replied, "Yeah, but he isn’t going to destroy the world or anything. He’s just a snow bird, really. It gets awfully nasty on Venus this time of year. He’ll party for awhile and then go home. Sure he’s going to break some shit when he gets really drunk, but it’s hardly going to be a world ending event. Hail Yig!"

Tampa, FL—The Daily Discord’s para-abnormal research team poured over thousands of photos and images of Clint Eastwood’s infamous address at last week’s convention. Using the latest para-abnormal equipment, also known as Photoshop, our team has finally discovered who Clint was talking to that night.

The Daily Discord is 99% sure Mr. Eastwood was addressing, Clyde, the orangutan from that Any Which Way But Loose movie from 1978. Clyde died under mysterious and possibly violent circumstances shortly after the sequel in 1980, Any Which Way You Can totally ending any chance for the next movie, Any Which Way to Make Money. There’s nothing like a Warner Brothers movie with allegations of animal cruelty. You should have seen what they did to Bugs Bunny every Saturday morning. His catch phrase "What’s up Doc?" began as he regained consciousness each morning in various Southern California hospitals.

But why Clyde? Is Mr. Eastwood still unable to cope with this tragedy? Does Clyde still blame Eastwood for his death? And, perhaps more importantly, does the death of such a primate still constitute an irreparable loss to Republican Party strategists?

Our own field reporter, Cokie McGrath, has evidence the GOP is collaborating with Mr. Eastwood on a third installment to this important series, Any Which Way But Truth.

Palm Beach, FL—Rush Limbaugh is not backing off The Discord’s totally fictitious headline today. But come on, Rush, you were thinking it. After last night’s Democratic National Convention, Limbaugh also tweeted, "I’m just calling a spade a spade" and "I wish those bitches' parents had used birth control!" Come on, Rush...admit it, you blankety, blank, blank!

A note from Mick Zano:

Sorry about that. Getting into Rush’s brain brings me to a dark place sometimes. While on a road trip yesterday, I unfortunately subjected myself to hours of Rush Limbaugh, Michael Savage, and Sean Hannity. None of them addressed a word of Clinton’s speech. Not a word. Umm, sorry to burst your bubble, literary, but your entire economic worldview was dismantled in 48-minutes by a man who actually balanced the budget. Oh, he also said how the GOP keeps lying all the time and now lives comfortably in an alternate reality. Sounds like he reads The Discord.

Instead of addressing Clinton's damning economic appraisal of conservative "ideas", the right wing media chose instead to cover the Dems flip-flopping on removing "God-given" from their platform language. This was their coverage ALL day. Sure the Democrats understand, as our founding fathers did, the need for a separation of church and state, and sure there's a growing number of atheists out there, so what? But how about a compromise? I know, that's a joke too. But I'll tell you what, we’ll leave the part about the magic Santa-like man who lives in the clouds in our platform, if you add science and arithmetic to yours!

A team of psychiatrists led by Dr. Sterling Hogbein of Hogbein Institute and Buffet have used the DSM-IV (Diagnostic Statistical Manual) to successfully diagnose the entire GOP:

Axis I: Cognitive Disorder NOS

Axis II: Narcissistic Personality Disorder with Paranoid Traits

Rule out: Fictitious Disorder

Axis III: erectile dysfunction

Axis IV: socioeconomic problems caused by numerous unfunded programs and wars, while supporting ongoing unsustainable tax cuts to the rich

GAF: 35

Head of the American Psychological Association, Dr. John Oldham, added, "Republicans primarily suffer from a personality disorder, which is fairly untreatable. Whereas rigidity of thought remains pervasive in this group, we added the Cognitive Disorder NOS to the Axis I primarily so we could bill Medicaid for the evaluation."

Dr. Hogbein remains more hopeful, "We do have a cluster of personality disorders here, a rare Cluster-F, actually. We could have picked borderline, anti-social...really any of them can apply during any given news cycle, but if Fox News and AM radio agreed to start broadcasting non-stop DBT therapy sessions, or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, it could at least raise the average Republican to a level where they can safely navigate the community."

If this doesn’t happen, Dr. Hogbein and Dr. Oldham agree the Republican’s prognosis poor. "It’s not uncommon for self-harm behaviors to start occurring, like supporting big oil or blocking climate change policies, which we’re already starting to see happen," said Dr. Oldham.

The Psychiatric community fears things could culminate in a fit of histrionics not seen since that last Hannity episode. "And involuntarily committing approximately 40% of our society poses some logistical issues for sure," added Dr. Hogbein. "But let’s start with Bachmann and see how it goes."

New York, NY—Midtown Manhattan was once again ablaze with gunfire as several police offers opened fire on pedestrians today outside of the Empire State Building. NYPD is claiming the tragedy started out as a mock reenactment of the recent shooting on August 24th.

NYPD chief, Ray Kelly, told the press, "We don’t know why all of our officers had live ammunition. They were supposed to be fitted with blanks prior to the exercise. This time we were lucky. No one dealt a fatal blow to the officer playing the role of the gunman. Actually, he was never hit. And, thank God, the other 12-pedestrians suffered only minor injuries."

When asked about the three critical injuries, Kelly said, "I have requested to only be briefed on the minor injuries, because I’m having a bad enough day already."

When asked why one officer kept firing into the crowd at random for "what seemed an eternity" to witnesses, Kelly said, "There’s always going to be one guy who really gets caught up in the moment and keeps mowing down innocents until someone taps him on the shoulder and brings him back to reality. Luckily, my guys can’t shoot for shit. We can only hope we shot some assholes today. There are, in fact, a lot of assholes in New York, so, statistically speaking, we probably shot some today."

NYPD is postponing their 9/11 reenactment and their 64 Harlem Riots reenactment, pending a full investigation.

"Well, we might go ahead with the riot," said Kelly. "It’s Harlem, lot of assholes out there."

Tampa, FL—God is reportedly "very unhappy" with Republican values, which he feels have reached almost oxymormon levels. "That’s not a typo," said God. "It’s a Romney Mormon joke, heh, heh. That one killed ‘em in Nazareth. No, I’m sick of the GOP. They’re getting what they deserve."

Tampa Mayor, Bob Buckhorn, feels God is "raining on his parade" and demanded God send Moses to part the hurricane’s tidal surge, so this important convention could proceed as scheduled. Buckhorn also added, "Stop being such an omni-buttinsky!" and later, "Why don’t you say that shit to my face, bitch?!"

God responded with a targeted storm surge that swept the Mayor and his family out to sea, where they are presumably damp.

God said, "Look, I turned Isaac west. This was more intended as a warning shot across the bow kind of thing, or a time out. I didn’t want to derail the entire convention, but maybe shorten it a bit. You have to understand, I’m omnipresent, so I have to sit through this entire fucking thing."

When asked about dropping the F-bomb, God said, "I’m also omnipotent so by definition I don’t make retractions." Then God recited an excerpt from what he called the Gospel of Isaac. "God will show no mercy!"

Biblical scholars believe God meant to say the Gospel of Isaiah, and he kind of reversed the meaning of the original quote a bit.

God reiterated his ‘no retractions ever’ policy using five of George Carlin’s Words You Can Never Say on TV...quite creatively. He then warned if the GOP didn’t "wise up", he would make Sodom and Gomorrah look like a Snooki tirade.

Tampa, FL—The Republican Convention is set to go, but the weather is turning ugly in Tampa and so is the rhetoric. The GOP is honing its policies and positions into one focused, laser-like-beam of bad ideas. Majority Leader John Boehner said, "Never mind the weather, we have so many bad ideas we may need a bigger venue to fit them all anyway."

When asked about Todd Akin’s ban after his controversial rape remarks, Boehner said, "Look, a lot of us have the same views. It’s not about the dumb ideas themselves—we embrace that shit. For example have you seen Paul Ryan’s budget proposal?—but we support only bad ideas that win elections, not ones that lose them."

Mitt Romney immediately distanced himself from Boehner’s remarks. "I don’t think bad ideas are the way forward," said Romney. "Having ‘no ideas’ is the approach that resonates with real America. Being completely devoid of any viable position whatsoever is the way to go. If we open our mouths, we’re toast. In fact, I plan on missing all the Obama debates by contracting some type of botchalism."

Romney later corrected his statement, "I meant botulism, but I haven’t decided between that or West Nile Papyrus."

Saying something stupid, but getting a bounce in the polls, is fine with the GOP, but if you lose support with said dumb idea then it’s hast la vista baby. On a related note, former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is also banned from attending the GOP Convention.

"We really don’t want anyone attending from California at all," said Romney, "unless it’s Nancy Pelosi in piñata form."

Amsterdam, NL—Congressman Kevin Sea of GaliWeewee Yoder and Prince Isn’t it Supposed to Stay in Vegas? Harry plan to double down on their recent antics. The pair is scheduled to meet in Amsterdam over Labor Day weekend to kick things up a notch. After imbibing heavily on the Blood of Christ, Rep. Yoder plans to strip to some reggae music outside of the Anne Frank Museum. "Oh, and I have an announcement," said Yoder. "Where better to come out of the closet, eh?"

Meanwhile, Prince Harry is planning an English style pub-crawl that will culminate at the Space Cake cart over on Blitzedbuggerstraat.

Rep. Yoder told the press today, "It’ll be like in the Wonder Twins. We touch rings, we say, ‘team drunkenness activate, form of nakedness’. It will be kind of like that, only way cooler."

At the designated hour, the two will rendezvous at the Heineken Brewery, strip off their clothing, and then dive into the Amstel River to the cheers of adoring fans. EMTs will be standing by as the Amstel River makes New York’s East River seem like a Poland Springs’ commercial.

"No one is going to even know who Lady F-ing Godiva is after this stunt," said Prince Harry.

Her majesty, the Queen, is forbidding the young Prince to participate and the GOP is warning Yoder that he may take increased criticism from his Kansas constituents.

Prince Harry replied, "Piss off! The Queen will let me out of the Tower of London by Labor Day, guaranteed. See you in space cake land, Yoder!"

Rep. Yoder added, "Look, no one in Kansas is going to elect a Democrat. I could get high on meth one night and dig up Reagan and I’m still a shoe-in."

Xiangyin, China--General Tso, a man famous for his oriental deep fried chicken, is being sought in the disappearance of several #17s from the menu at the Jade Fountain over on 4^th Str…umm, to be honest, Zano hasn’t submitted anything in awhile. He’s fallen off the radar again and, to complicate matters, so has the Ghetto Shaman. If I didn’t know any better, I would say it’s a Bruce Wayne/Batman kind of thing. But I‘ve seen both of these cats in the same place. The last time was at our company Christmas party back in 2010. I got them both very nice pen sets that turned out to be pencils. Besides, back to the Batman analogy, I’m afraid neither one of them can be described as mild-mannered. I think with Zano and the Shaman, it’s more like if Robin had a sidekick…and then Robin’s sidekick had a sidekick. That’s getting close to capturing the essence of these bananas, who, apparently split. See? These are the jokes I write when the main writers go MIA.

I really don’t know where this project is going anymore. I can’t control these people. Submission and deadlines are passé. Try envisioning the Marx Brothers on acid and you begin to understand the herding cats-type, Herculean task I deal with on a post-to-post basis. Really, it’s more like if the Marx Brothers hung around Cheech & Chong for a couple of "sessions" and then went to the Amazon together to gnaw on some hallucinogenic roots. Yeah, it’s something like that…only more out of control.

I am seriously considering going with my original idea—a psychiatric food blog. Stay with me here. So if you’re depressed, I’ll have a series of culinary recipes designed to offset some of those specific symptoms. Are you a little manic because of a bi-polar disorder? Try my Depakote Devil’s food cake. A little hyper? How about some Ritalinguini and clam sauce? Are you hearing the voices again? Try my famous chicken Thorazzini. I think it could taste great and really cut down on the mass shootings in this country. If my writers don’t resurface soon, get ready to order some of my FDA-approved psychotropic suppers!

Brugge, BE—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube, stunned the archeological community today by speaking at an important conference in Brugge, when he was not invited to do so. For his antics, the Police Fédérale in Belgium have detained the good doctor and are planning to deport him to either Syria or to a pirate ship off the cost of Somalia.

Before security could intervene, Dr. Hogbein addressed the scholarly audience. He said, "I have proof Stonehenge was formed by rain, wind, and fire. The site is a geological anomaly created over the last 17-million years by volcanism and other natural forces. And I have 100% proof to back my claims!" He then chugged the remainder of his bottle of Evan Williams Kentucky Whiskey, hurled the empty bottle at the nearest security personnel and was finally dragged off stage.

One archeologist who witnessed the spectacle said, "When he was being escorted out, he shouted something about buggering the Loch Ness druids. I would have liked to have heard more about that, but Rain, Wind, and Fire? Weren’t they just that funky American band from the seventies? How could they have created Stonehenge? Preposterous. We’re pretty sure the site is older than that."

State College, PA—Penn State University announced its replacement pick for the recently dismantled Joe Paterno statue. The Dean of the University, David H. Monk, announced his institution’s decision to honor the first Penn State fan to ever drink all 80-beers at a favorite local watering hole, Zeno’s Pub.

"The decision wasn’t easy," said Dean Monk. "We also considered the dude who mooned the ‘87 graduating class from the Old Main clock tower. And then there’s always the first guy to throw up at the Rathskeller back in 1958. What a mess. See? There’s still a lot to honor here in Crappy Valley."

When asked why the University failed to choose the Rathskeller for selling the most Rolling Rock cases in a single day, Monk replied, "We considered that, we really did, but they kind of lost me by breaking the Guinness Book of World Records with a beer other than Guinness. Who the hell drinks Rolling Rock? I’m supposed to be proud of that?"

Instead, Penn State ultimately chose Zeno’s first man to go ‘Around the World in 80-Beers.’

Dean Monk added, "We’re honoring the first guy to ever accomplish this feat. He’s the first name on the first plaque among an ever-growing line of winners lining that pub’s southern wall. It’s been a standing tradition here at Penn State for decades, unless you try doing it all in one night…in which case, you won’t be standing. I learned that one the hard way, heh, heh."

When asked for the name of the man, Monk replied, "I don’t know. It’s on the statue and it’s on that damn plaque. Can’t we just get passed this shit now and play some foosball?!"

With Penn State unable to participate in football anymore, scholarships are now available for those who excel at the foosball table in the back room.

Washington, DC—People in the heartland might need to cling to their guns and their Bibles a little tighter, because President Obama told the press today, "I’m takin’ em, bitches." Mr. Obama hopes it’s not going to be ‘from their cold dead hands’, but told the press "whatever it takes." He is offering food stamps for all guns turned peaceably into authorities—regardless of their condition!

All of the guns will then be shipped to Mexico as part of "an important conspiracy operation thingie." Obama told reporters, "All the nefarious details of the program have not been ironed out yet, but I can tell you this, it will be sufficiently sinister and will somehow involve socialism."

If re-elected, Obama plans to use Bush’s expansions of executive power to enact all kinds of revenge laws. "I will overturn the 1^st and 2^nd Amendment, just because. I will send Justice Scalia on that one way Dutch Mars mission. I’m going to tax everything from air to some of the smaller particulates and components of air. And wait until those gasbags on the right get a load of my fart tax. Methane emissions are a big fart, er...a big part of global warming. I also intend to balloon the deficit so that it can be seen from space. Then I can sit up there and have plenty of time to think about other ways to ruin small businesses. Oh yeah, and I’m going dismantle the Vatican brick by brick with help from my friends over at the Muslim Brotherhood," said Obama.

The Discord’s Mick Zano added, "All things considered, it still sounds better than Romney...especially the Scalia part."

NPR is now suing the Discord for using the phrase ‘all things considered’ without permission.

Philadelphia, PA—According to important internet research, maximizing a site’s use of key words can markedly boost traffic. So please enjoy our new format and feel free to Kardashian, Phelps Lochte, xxx thai hookers, Mitt Romney abroad, YouTube yourself, eHarmony.

As the CEO of the Daily Discord, Peirce Winslow, I would like to assure our readers the quality of our content and our dedication to journalistic integrity will not be—I’m bored, meet singles in your area, violent storms, lesbian toys, Joe Paterno statue—compromised.

Just give yourselves some time to adjust to our new style, which many find reminiscent of the Beat movement of the Jlo, Sandusky victims, Obamacare, fast and furious, aurora shooting, midget porn, Google Maps, Viagra, Cialis, Enzyte for men, Higgs Boson, Facebook, Tom Cruise.

And be sure to read Mick Zano’s upcoming feature on UFO sightings, ebola outbreak, Katy Perry, penis enlargement. You’ll be glad you did. Happy ending massage, typhoon.

New London, CT—Mayor Daryl Finizio admitted to a grievous error not seen since Sanjaya’s American Idol championship denial in 2007. I still believe Sanjaya! The town of New London Connecticut accidentally spent 37-million on preparations for the 2012 Summer Olympics. The mistake originated from a single piece of mis-delivered mail. The International Olympic Committee’s letter was sent to the Mayor of New London’s office, instead of its intended recipients in England.

The Post Master General, Biff Lavin, claims, "The letter weighed several ounces over the 42¢ postage limit and may have had the wrong zip code. Either of these factors might have contributed to the delivery error."

The ill-timed letter discussing the final preparation for the Olympics sent the Mayor of New London into a frenzy of unnecessary preparation. He is now trying to put the best possible spin on events. "The marathon course will make a great skateboard park, or a barcrawl route…or something. The massive mountain created for the mountain biking event could be converted into a smaller mountain…for the purpose of… Look, this state is flatter than Mitt Romney’s emotional range. We need the elevation. If Connecticut smoked all the pot in Mexico, it still wouldn’t get any higher. It makes Kansas look like the friggin’ Swiss Alps," said Finizio.

The mayor is not commenting on why his city built a 7-million dollar luge track for what is obviously the Summer Olympics, or why he chose the same designer from the deadly debacle in Vancouver in 2010.

"Mistakes were made," said Finizio. "It’s like the deficit, why are we still counting? You try preparing for the Olympics in two weeks on my MF-ing budget, bitches!"

Washington, DC—Last April, progressive liberals sent director James Cameron on a deep sea mission to explore the depths of Republican hypocrisy. He failed. Having reached Dick Cheney’s moral compass at 35,000 ft, the director and explorer was forced to resurface. Despite a sea of ridiculous statements over the last decade, no attempts from within the Republican Party has ever been made to reel in these right wing extremists...until now.

Cameron said this week, "I could swear just before I started my ascent I saw two crazy eyes staring up at me from the abyss. Now I know who it was."

This week Michele "crazy eyes" Bachmann missed one too many Risperdal consta injections and started an all out attack on Hillary Clinton’s Muslim aide, Huma Abedine. Despite her very Jewish husband, or evidence of any kind, Bachmann claims she has clear ties to the Muslim Brotherhood.

Bachmann told reporters, "I don’t understand, I’ve never needed any evidence before?" The Minnesota Congresswoman has no idea why all of a sudden facts matter. "I never got that memo! Don’t you people watch Fox?"

In Bachmann’s defense, navigating the bubble of non-reality called Fox News for so long can actually change brain structure itself. Problems can occur if and when someone attempts to venture back to Earth. During Fox interviews, she would always arrive tablu rasa—in an almost Zen-like state of ideological drivel. When she handed her crayon-scribbled psycho-babble over to one of the show’s producers, they simply recreated it to the best of their ability using some type of computer program, possibly PhotoShop.

Bachmann added, "Besides, Obama’s killing all the really bad Muslims and my McCarthy-esque bigotry and hatred needs to be directed somewhere, bitches."

OK, in all fairness to the Congresswoman, we added the word ‘bitches’ but it was clearly implied.

Philadelphia, PA—Over the last decade only ten people were killed by sharks in the entire country. Our team is currently working on computations for the yearly average. Meanwhile, no landshark attacks have occurred since SNL’s third season, during the infamous "Richard Dryfuss incident."

Landshark attacks are now up 300% since their near disappearance in 1977. On June 26^th, Pierce Winslow reported his wife was attacked by a landshark while golfing. On July 1^st The Crank of Phoenix Arizona narrowly escaped an attack while waterboarding a liberal neighbor. Then, most recently, on July 16^th our own Elisa Brahe was partially devoured by such a creature. Flagstaff Medical Center reports the Discord contributor remains in cynical condition.

Despite the fact all three attacks were on Discord contributors or their families, we’re not questioning the validity of these reports. The attacks occurred thousands of miles apart, some nowhere near water, which begs the question, BWTF? Clearly there are more than one of these species of terra pisces or the one man eater is swimming freely through our airport TSA security systems unfettered.

Discord field reporter, Cokie McGrath, is now declared missing after jumping off the Santa Monica Pier yesterday smothered in chum. We believe it was her attempt to interview a member of the actual water-dwelling-variety of the species...but, you never know with her.

Is global warming a contributing factor? Is it forcing landsharks into more heavily populated areas? Can this all be blamed on President Obama? Answer our poll: do you feel less safe from landshark attacks under Obama’s staggeringly incompetent Administration? (Click Yes for Yes, or No for Yes).

Hollywood, CA—According to a recent poll, American Idol Judges dropped to the lowest approval ratings on record. Only 32% of Americans polled have a favorable opinion of them, which is the worst percentage since the first poll was taken in 2003. The hit television show, often called a "romp of humiliation" or "entertainment for the asses," has an audience that is growing increasingly frustrated with its judges. Rock legend Steven Tyler leaves the show amidst a cloud of controversy.

The Discord’s CEO Pierce Winslow stated, "We want our judges to rule on the official American Idol rules and bylaws, not on ideology or popularity. The words American Idol Judge used to mean something."

Discord field reporter, Cokie McGrath, added, "The judges invariably rule along party lines. And Tyler shouldn’t even be partying at all! When Sanjaya lost in the semi finals back in 2007, I knew something was wrong…I still believe Sanjaya!" McGrath, known for her moodiness and long bouts of reality television, believes the series is rigged and has uncovered a clear link between Rupert Murdoch, the head of Fox’s parent company, and a sinister plot involving making money.

"It’s called capitalism," said McGrath. "It’s extremely distasteful. Think about it, Paula Abdul was obviously under some type of mind control. No one fucking acts like that. Can this explain the behavior of Fox News anchors or are they, too, just mixing ideology and opiates?"

Democrats have already vowed to filibuster the nomination of Ted Nugent, or any other such derisive figure.

Many believe the judges have become increasingly politicized and an appointment like Nugent’s would only add to that perception…but Bono, hmmm. Well, the American Idol Judges did strike down the Individual Mandate, so let’s give them some kudos.

Geneva, CH— Many are perplexed and stunned by first subatomic particle communication ever. Scientists don’t know what to make of a message from the Higgs Boson, the ‘so called’ God Particle:

Listen Up Human MFs!

1. Thou shall have no other particles before me, because most tend to beat me up for my lunch money.
2. Thou shall not take the Higgs Bosons name in valence... I’m so small I can not even bond with anyone properly, covalent or otherwise. So I am a jealous particle! And none of that divalent bonding shit...too kinky.
3. Shut off those fucking particle accelerators. You try going around in circles at near light speeds without the benefit of Dramamine, bitches.
4. Thou shall not murder. Contract out for that shit, for real. That’s a universal truth.
5. Thou shall not Split Atoms! This means ye. Trust me, bashing the crap out of countless tiny civilizations is a bad karma fuckfest. We’re here! We’re quark! Get used to it!!
6. Dark Matter is real! In fact, you just stepped in some.
7. Avoid creating a micro black hole. They tend to suck. They can suck a neutron clear off a titanium atom’s nucleus. I know, I used to date one.
8. On the 7th day, take a chill pill. Don’t even fart. What’s simply a bad snack choice on your part can obliterate entire worlds down here. On that note, outlaw all Mexican food. Mexico doesn’t realize how close it is to collapsing on a subatomic level.
9. You shall not bear false witness against your neil-bohrs. Sorry, a little quantum physicist joke. That one killed them in Geneva.
10. I think I left out the one about the donkey, but don’t do things with donkeys, or your neil-bohrs ass. Duh.

Synnyvale, CA—An experimental facility patterned after the fictional Cyberdyne Systems Corporation’s Skynet has reached an impressive milestone today. Their robotic creation, the Hal-5000, fired thousands of rounds of a highly advanced weapon into every corner of their southern California installation last night. The robotic rampage killed 23 lab technicians and a custodial engineer named Dante, who before expiring told EMTs, "I wasn’t even supposed to be here today."

Cyberdyne’s CEO, Daniel Milgram, is pleased with recent events, "It’s not every day it takes a SWAT team to take out one of your own rogue creations. This is huge. This is why people go into this field in the first place."

The Board of Directors at Cyberdyne Systems, Inc. is also heartened by the arrival of a futuristic cyborg assassin, who mowed down several key researchers last week amidst a barrage of exotic bullets.

"Wow!" said Milgram. "Looks like we got someone’s attention."

The military is already offering Cyberdyne a considerable percentage of the Nation’s defense budget to create a female version for some of the top generals in the armed forces.

Philadelphia, PA—Having just posted our latest round of retractions, it pains me to announce another grievous mistake so soon. Posting every day in this 24/7 news cycle world is often fraught with difficulties. Having said that, I, Pierce Xavier Winslow, take full responsibility for this error. Our readers have come to expect thorough and accurate reporting, especially since comedy sites like ours have become the last refuge of actual newsing these days. Newsing is a new, but legitimate, word—though it probably should not have debuted at this darkest of hours.

We now understand the following: in a bar on the planet Alderaan, Uma Thurman pummeled the crap out of Chewbacca—not, as we originally reported, the other way around. The rush of incoming AP wire reports were confused and at times even garbled, so we made an educated guess that Chewbacca would have mopped the floor with that scrawny bitch—however, it turned out that the wookie’s injuries actually landed him in Aldera County Hospital.

I had an itchy trigger finger, for sure. The only thing that kept running through my mind prior to posting was the scene when Han Solo said, "Let the wookie win." I really thought the wookie was going to win. The Discord news team received conflicting reports originally and we needed to get the post up as my beer was getting dangerously warm. My Photoshop team worked on pictures for either outcome: one with Chewbacca pumping his fists victoriously in the air and a second with Thurman doing likewise. I simply got it wrong.

Our news team also borrowed the image from gawker.com by turning the famous Dewey Defeats Truman! image into Obama holding the news in iPad form. We regularly steal stuff here at the Discord especially paperclips, but not others’ comedy! We keep our material original—and Zano cut this one too close! We took gawker’s original viral image, made it much funnier, and proceeded to get about six hits for our trouble...the usual.

Pierce Winslow, CEO

These retractions continue to wear on me emotionally. I care about what we do here at The Discord. It’s important work. It’s God’s work...well, certainly demi-God’s work, or Demi Moore’s work. It’s work, for sure. Sometimes I spend days trying to turn the Crank’s string of expletives into coherent thoughts. I deal with a constant barrage of receipts from Zano and Bone for bar tabs, brothels, and massage parlors all across the southwest. "But it’s a haunted brothel, Mr. Winslow, honest!" Fuckers.

Our headline Iraq Wins the Stanley Cup! was obviously a heinous mistake. Jerry Lewis’s ICU Telethon was not our finest hour. We would like to apologize to JE-RRREY! and his family for calling his hospital room every twenty minutes trying to pledge enough to get the tote bag. In retrospect, interfering with medical care is just not funny.

Everything pales in comparison to our three full days of Cokie McGrath’s coverage while she camped outside of the Great Pyramid of Giza waiting for the Egyptian Parliament to emerge. What? I have to pay for this shit! If she could even learn to use Wikipedia as a fact checking tool it would be a vast improvement. Google it Cokie, Google it...fine, I will send you to a seminar on Googling.

Rialto, CA—Rodney King’s lawyers have released startling statements from his last will and testament. The man known for sparking the 1991 L.A. Riots and for his inability to fend off LAPD—or swimming pools—amended his famous statement, "Why can’t we all just get along?" to "get a loan."

King allegedly wrote, "You see, my wife and I had shitty credit at the time and no one was lending us any money. So we needed a loan." King later failed to correct his misstatement with the press because, "It became popular, so I just kind of went with it. I never did get that mother f***ing loan."

Meanwhile, the Los Angeles Police Department is suing The Daily Discord for our marquee joke earlier this week:

After battling for survival since 1991 Rodney King finally succumbs to his injuries.

We would really like to retract that, but...on second thought, we would like to dedicate it to LA’s finest.

Ann Arbor, MI—As part of a sleep over, a group of teenage girls climbed into the Miller’s attic on June 16^th and held an over four hour Ouija session with one of the residence’s ghosts. The paranormal entity later described the event as "fukcing ecxcruciatting" for a tortured soul who sufferers from dyslexia.

Discord reporter, Cokie McGrath, believes the ghost in question has resided in the attic where the game took place since his untimely death, nearly 80 years ago. The apparition stated he would rather be left alone than be assailed by a bunch of teenagers who, after hundreds of questions, still couldn’t figure out that yes/no questions worked best.

The young ladies, who wished to remain anonymous, were perplexed by the ghost’s indecipherable responses such as, "I have servere dylslexia" and "I deid in this vrey place" and finally, "Why don’t you bithces play somehting eles?!"

The young lady who hosted the party told McGrath she believes the ghost wasn’t murdered, but added, "He sure can murdre the English language. Get it...murdre?"

After the comment the ghost is planning to "Huant that littel shit for ettenrity!"

Santa Monica, CA—After being rushed to UCLA Hospital after slamming her sports car into an unmarked dump truck, actress and problem child, Lindsay Lohan, told reporters, "Dump trucks should be forced to wear lighter clothing or should be covered in more blinking lights so people don’t crash into them after drinking."

Lohan’s crusade against all things cloaked is not stopping there. The 26-year-old feels a similar initiative should apply "to all telephone poles, buildings, and pedestrians known to walk along roads."

Miss Lohan’s suggestions are not, as yet, gaining much momentum. Her initiative earlier in the year to "Make the Pacific Coastal Highway Less Windy" has also gained little support from California residents.

"Look," said Lohan, "I’m not saying it has to be straight as an arrow, but you try driving that bitch at over 100 mph with the spin monsters, bitches."

Menlo Park, CA—Wall Street giant, Gordon Gekko, has decided on a proper punishment for the recent Facebook trading disaster. The CEO of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, was lowered into a hole yesterday by infamous serial killer Jame "Buffalo Bill" Gumb from Silence of the Lambs fame. Zuckerberg is sentenced to remain in the hole and will continue to "rub the lotion on its skin" until Facebook stock climbs back to at least 25 dollars a share.

Mr. Gumb explained to Zuckerberg, "It rubs the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again." Mr. Gumb has thus far ignored the prominent CEO’s pleas of generous payoffs and/or sexual favors. If stocks dip below ten dollars a share, Mr. Gumb plans to bring a whole new meaning to the word Facebook.

Mr. Gekko believes these tactics will help avoid poorly planned Initial Public Offerings, and should all but eliminate such trading glitches moving forward. Mr. Gekko went on to tell reporters, "If this shit doesn’t recover, I'm gonna tear his eyeballs out and I'm gonna suck his fucking skull. And when Romney wins the 2012 election, I plan to celebrate by wearing Zuckerberg’s face on my fucking face!" He then made an obscene cupping gesture and said, "Regulate this, Obama."

When asked if his famous quote was inspired by the Ghetto Shaman’s signature work The Tao of Skullfucking, Gekko replied, "No way," but later admitted to reporters, "But it is a good coffee table book for sure."

Springfield, VA—This week’s announcement from the White House that aid to Pakistan will be cut $33 million was followed by a proud statement from Ron Paul’s headquarters in Springfield Virginia.

Paul pole supporter, Peter Johnson, told the press, "Our fearless leader reported considerable wood after the exciting news." He went on to call this a "half mast event" not seen since the Republican’s full-blown attack on Planned Parenthood funds.

Ron Paul later confirmed initial reports, "A partial erection at my age represents a significant amount of blood flow to my penis."

His son, Senator Rand Paul, is concerned, "If they cut all aid to other foreign countries and then send our troops home, they might have to rush my dad to the hospital again."

Were that to occur, Mr. Paul agreed the Washington Monument would have some competition, and he vowed, "If I do get a full erection, I will personally screw the Federal Reserve into the dirt."

Paul is denying rumors his slogan has been changed to "I might have lost the election, but not my—."

"Hardly," said Paul.

Amarillo, TX—When the tab for his party arrived, George W. Bush was already heading for the door. What could be a more poignant way to celebrate Memorial Day, he thought, than to skip out on the tab? Our former President and his guests rushed out of Amarillo’s premiere meatery, the Big Texan Steak Ranch, leaving a nearly $200 tab unpaid.

Our former President later told reporters, "For me Memorial Day is a special kind of day when we celebrate those special kind of voters who got me re-elected. And leaving without paying was a fitting gesture."

When asked why, Bush said, "Look, Memorial Day is about celebrating the past. If you’ll remember, I didn’t really pay for anything during my presidency either, social programs, wars, hookers, nothing. This was a special day of remembrance...and I remember not paying for anything."

When asked if this is in honor of missing most of his National Guard duty during the Vietnam War, Bush smiled, "I wouldn’t say I missed it, heh heh heh."

Dan Rather was unavailable for comment.

Athens, GR—The final insult to a once proud civilization came today when Angela Merkel of Germany downgraded Greece to a countrytoid. The Prime Minister formally kicked them out of the EU and with a word banished the lot to Northern Africa. Germany is funding the €27 billion project to have Greece towed south across the Mediterranean Sea.

Merkel told the world today, "I did not come to this decision lightly, but it’s kind of like when you are in a division we’re each night your team gets pummeled. Once in Northern Africa, Greece will find itself winning some games, at least comparatively. And, if and when they earn their first €27 billion, we will be happy to reconsider their EU application and the logistics of their return trip."

The Greek President, Karolos Papouplias, warns that the God Zeus is prepared to come to his country’s aid.

Zeus later denied this claim, "Look, I generally like to turn into an assortment of animal forms and hump some mortal women now and again. That’s pretty much my whole itinerary these days."

Indianapolis, IN—E*Trader and yuppie wannabe, Dave Blotchenski, lost most of his retirement money this week after investing in the ill fated Facebook wave.

"I just thought, hell, I’m on Facebook all the flippin’ time, so is everyone else," said Blotchenski. "Besides, Facebook promised to create thousands of new millionaires, and guess who was the first of my friends to like? Isn’t that worth something anymore? Now every time I see that little E*Trade baby I want to kick him in his pre-toddler face."

Upon news of the massive dip in the company’s stock, Blotchenski tweeted, "Help! I lost it Al! I have officially bought the FarmVille!"

He meant to type, "I lost it all" but later blamed the typo on a combination of insomnia and household inhalants.

His pleas did not fall on deaf ears as several Facebookers came to the rescue by leaving important comments like, "Did you see the Ranger/Devils game last night?" and "You lost it Al? Who’s Al? LOL" and "You said you’d help me acquire a FarmVille tractor, bitch?!" Four others inexplicably liked his comment.

Mr. Blotchenski admitted after stocks fell to 38 dollars a share, he considered virtual suicide. "I just wanted to unplug everything, all of it, and maybe go outside."

To the horror of his family, who were completely engrossed in X-Box 360 at the time, Mr. Blotchenski was last seen heading to a park with a baseball bat and a mitt. Having no idea where the neighborhood park is exactly, his family has been asking if any members of his social sites have seen him.

Hughesville, PA—The Daily Discord originally signed a two year contract with fellow Discord contributor, Dave Atsals, for his Captain Viagra series. Discord lawyers are now working diligently to nullify the deal. The agreement involved weekly installments of Mr. Atsals’ cartoon, inspired by his own sad, libido-less antics. Thus far the cartoon has brought the popular ezine only scrutiny.

"Umm, we get enough of that," said the Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow. "We have no shortage of scrutiny. Every day over my morning coffee I read how we ‘suck’ or how ‘the Crank is demeaning to aardvarks’ or ‘isn’t skullfucking a felony?’ On that note, no skulls are ever violated during the creation of The Ghetto Shaman’s weekly column (mostly)."

The first installment had Captain Viagra and his trusty sidekick, The Cialis Kid, jetting across the galaxy in his long sleek rocket ship, The U.S.S. Priapus. At the end of the first episode, our hero catches up with the female antagonist, Vagina Villainous, and slams his ship repeatedly into her unprotected Moon Base.

Pierce Winslow added, "The cartoon went out to about five hundred fans as a pilot, but the negative feedback rivaled our recent Nazi Fugitive Makeover."

When it was pointed out how the Ghetto Shaman column has been late four of the last five weeks, Winslow said, "Maybe we are going to run it. The Shaman is dead. Long limp Captain Viagra!" He then shouted, "To infidelity and beyond!" but later asked to have that quote removed. Winslow admitted he was a little excited when he said that, but he will seek treatment if it lasts longer than four hours.

Washington, DC—Former Speaker, former GOP nominee and former human being, Newt Gingrich, has revealed his ambitious countrywide concession tour extravaganza. Mr. Gingrich’s handlers, now down to his wife and his wife’s boyfriend, claim the donations are pouring in for this important slice of American history.

Sarah Palin told our own Cokie McGrath, "Newt is making a bold statement. He’s saying we’re not going to put up with the tyranny of the Obama Administration any longer, and he’s doing it in a way not unlike when Samuel Adams signed the Constitution in that really big font."

Michele Bachmann later corrected the record for Palin, "She means, of course, when Gomez Adams signed the Magna Carta."

After losing the nomination, Gingrich told the press it gave him time to think. After a deep reflective meditation, involving bottom shelf bourbon, he realized America deserved this long bittersweet farewell tour. "I don’t want to look back on this one day and say, ‘why didn’t I just go the fuck home and try not to be an asshole to my third wife?’"

With continued donations, Gingrich hopes to upgrade his tour vehicle from his own ‘creeper van’ to a large RV. "Maybe something with an American flag on it and a catchy saying like Freedom’s Fizzle," said Gingrich.

When Cokie McGrath suggested he go with, "Why didn’t I just go the fuck home and try not to be an asshole to my third wife?" Gingrich replied, "Too long. I can’t afford a bus that big."

Tombstone, AZ—The Black Panthers recently put a bounty on the head of rock star and activist Ted Nugent for his recent incendiary remarks against President Barack Obama. The Panthers do not feel the Secret Service’s recent visit to The Motor City Madman will suffice.

Black Panther national spokesman, Chawn Kweli, told the Discord’s Cokie McGrath, "In recent weeks, we put out a bounty on the heads of George Zimmerman, Harold Steinman and now Ted Nugent for crimes against humanity."

When McGrath asked about Steinman, Kweli replied, "That cock sucker cut me off at the mall and took the last parking spot. I ran his plates and that mother f-er is going down!"

Ted Nugent suggested the Black Panthers meet him at the historic OK Corral in Tombstone Arizona to settle their differences. On Saturday May 12^th, at high noon, Ted Nugent plans to square off with the three key members of The Black Panthers for what was once known as ‘the quick draw’. The Historical Society and City Council of Tombstone Arizona have approved the use of real bullets during this gunfight extravaganza, which locals think should "significantly boost tourism."

The Mayor of Tombstone, Kirby Jenkins, said, "We’re kind of hoping they just blow the shit out of each other. I know there’s some sympathy for Ted’s position around these parts, but at the end of the day the world will be a better place when Boot Hill has a few more permanent residents."

Gabby Johnson of nearby Rock Ridge added, "frRRrravish!"

Arlington, VA—The new garbage container designs have all but ended many years of wastepaper basketball. Will this sport follow the fate of kick the can, or spin the can, or ring around the spinning can? At its peak, the popular sport was played in one form or another by an estimated 75-million people across the U.S. By 2010, to the chagrin of an elite group of home hoopsters, all kitchen garbage cans came with lids.

Wastebasket ball great, Barry Mellman, said, "I would shoot waste baskets to make the cleaning more fun. With the new pale I tried putting a large rock on the lever to keep it open, but my wife broke her toe on the fucking thing. Besides, you never get a true bank shot off those circular contraptions."

"I cried the day the lidless ones died," said Hall of Fumer, Ron Fratelli. "I even own an official garbage basketball hoop. So last week I make this great shot with an overripe tomato. It, of course, ends up through the hoop but on the lid—with mucho tomato shrapnel on the wall. My wife asked if it was a mob hit. Women just don’t appreciate the wasteular arts."

Garbage container manufacturers claim the newer models are more hygienic and significantly cut down on odor.

Oscar the Grouch added, "You mean they keep odors in, right?"

Philadelphia, PA-Lately we have drifted into a bit of a journalism-free stupor here at The Discord. I keep firing Mick Zano, which accomplishes little. The Ghetto Shaman has only posted intermittently this month, which he claims is due to his important "inhalant research." Well listen up, Mr. Huffy McSnortsproducts, if you’re late one more time, I’m handing the whole advice column over to McGrath and her anti-life coaching/relationship advice drivel! No offense Cokie, but it’s drivel.

As for our recent news item debacles, I have implemented a stricter process to ensure a level of quality and integrity not seen since our Virgin Contracts VD: Hailed as Immaculate Infection days. The Discord’s recent coverage Salmon Linked to Tunaonella Outbreak was a potential threat to our informed readers’ health, to say nothing of the outcry after our post Weaponized T&A Causes Mounting Threat. In retrospect, our slice of life feature My Adorable Ex’s Tranny should have read My Adorable Texas Granny. We sincerely apologize to Mrs. Katie Walthrope of Austin for the embarrassment she and her family suffered.

What I truly found inexcusable was Mick Zano’s coverage of Andrew Breitbart’s death. As it turns out, Breitbart died of heart failure not, as Zano claimed in his feature, a drone strike ordered by The White House. We’re better than this! ...albeit not by much.

Kingstree, SC—Officially, the First Baptist Church has "no idea" how the foam versions of their nails used to crucify their savior each year were replaced with sharp wooden spikes. Easter Sunday, these spikes were miSTAKEnly used to nail local forklift operator, Gus Franklin, to a large cross at the climax of their holiday mass extravaganza.

"We just hope someday people will find the humor in all of this," said Father Michael Shenanigans. "I knew we should have gone with the F@^*ing Easter egg hunt."

Uber-Defrocked Reverend Joseph Tompkins told coroners, "We just thought the Messiah was really getting into the part this year." However, the holy emissary later admitted to police, "We planned to take him down in a couple of days and put his body in a cave to see what happens. You know, to make the most of this tragedy. Maybe something good could have come from it, like the Rapture or at least a related bake sale."

On a related note, The First Baptist Church’s ‘One of Our Beloved Forklifters Rose on the 3^rd Day’ bake sale has been canceled, pending the investigation of the organizers.

Vatican City—Commissioner Gordon of Gotham City is "outraged by the audacity of the Pope and his minions." Initially, the Commissioner was not surprised Batman ignored their city’s cries for help. "We just thought he fell off the Batwagon again," said Gordon. "He self medicates, you know. The dude has issues. But now we find out he’s responding to problems all the way in Italy?"

The Pope is denying a series of clandestine meetings occurred between his Holiness and the caped crusader. Vatican officials are also denying rumors the Pope had a Bat Phone installed in his chambers. The Vatican released a statement earlier today, calling the rumors "Bat shit crazy" and "His Holiness doesn’t even own a cell phone, let alone a Bat Phone."

An unnamed whistle-blowing Cardinal told reporters, the Pope believes, "We need to restore the Knights Templar. And who better than the Dark Knight himself to lead our new crusades into the 21^st Century?"

"Batman is a vigilante," said the Pope. "His methods are dubious. We need a beacon of light, not an archetype of darkness."

When asked about the giant bat signal seen over the Tower of Passetto, the Pope said, "It’s a grail shaped beacon...like in that Monty Python movie. Jesus Christ, would you people drop this shit already?"

The Passetto acts as a secret passage from Italy into the Vatican—the perfect meeting place for the Pope and Batman to hatch their evil plots. If the Vatican is resurrecting the Knights Templar, perhaps they are enlisting the aid of all of our fictional superheroes. If the Pope recruited Aquaman, for instance, he would have armies of undersea creatures at his command! And who’s to say Wonder Woman’s invisible plane isn’t parked outside the Passetto, right now?

New Paltz, NY—Jackson Nellis has remained bent over in his yard with his pants down for the better part of six weeks, awaiting the coveted passing of the Google Street View vehicle.

"I don’t understand it," said Nellis. "They were supposed to be in my neighborhood last month. Is it too much to ask for a man, who lives on a fucking road in the very fucking neighborhood that Google is supposed to be mapping out, to get his fucking picture taken?!"

Mr. Nellis reports his neighborhood was very new the last time Google mapped the area. "The last update of my street still has my neighbor’s monstrosity of a fucking boat in the front lawn. But I had the home owners’ association deal with, Captain A-hole, and the rest of Gilligan’s junk yard."

When asked why Mr. Nellis thought it was so important to capture his ass on Google Street View, he said, "Kids have the ice cream truck and I don’t like ice cream. Look, did anyone ask Criss Angel why he painted shit on the ceiling of that Italian fucking church? Did anyone ask Albert Einstein why he invented the atom? I don’t fucking think so."

When explained how Google Street View edits out all inappropriate images before posting, Mr. Nellis let forth a string of expletives not heard since paragraph two.

Lexington, KY—State Representative Ted Harkins (R) told reporters today, "We are losing the war on allergies and this new ‘March Bloom’ is the last straw." Harkins later told reporters he’s allergic to straw as well.

Representative Harkins, known for his anti-pollen legislation, was also the first to coin the term Microgametophytic Fascism. He believes if his sneezing fits continue, he will lose the next election and an important General in the War on Pollen will be silenced. And by silenced, he means intermittent sneezing, coughing and sobbing.

When asked if the early bloom had anything to do with Climate Change, he said, "No. Global Goreing is just a liberal distraction. Tree hugging socialists are just the types the pollen hordes want in power. Look, pollen is plant sperm. Plant sperm in our noses! It’s the world’s flora attempting to hump the whole blooming planet! Nostril sex is an abomination."

In the name of fiscal conservatism, Harkins proposes ramping up the defoliation of the main offenders across our state and national forests.

"Plants, trees, grass, and those MFing flowers must go," said Harkins. "As the Bible tells us, we were here first and they’re no longer welcome. If I’m reelected I will use all of our state’s resources to eradicate all things green and hay fever evoking."

When asked about signing Grover Norquist’s no tax pledge, he said, "No problem. We can fund this project entirely by defunding everything else."

"Harkins has my vote," said one person, who’s in no way fictional. "We shouldn’t be forced to spend our lives in urban areas, avoiding city parks like the plague. Of course, I can’t go into parks anyway after the ‘incident’ but it’s the principle."

Los Angeles, CA—The Social Phobia Facebook group has a good following in the greater Los Angeles area, yet none of the 51 active members have managed to attend any of their 78 scheduled meetings since the group’s inception in the Spring of 2010.

The Meetup group organizer, Stanley Stehenside, had this to say, "Our 22nd Meetup came very close to actually happening as Mr. Filkins made it to within yards of the diner in question and I came within two blocks before running back to my apartment in sheer terror. That was an exciting day for all of us."

The Meetup members are hopeful their 79th Meetup will break their losing streak.

"We have a plan," said Mr. Stehenside. "Two of our members live in the same building, so we’ve chosen their lobby for our next Meetup location. We’re confident at least two of our members will be present. That is, if Miss Hidesley can get over her fear of stairs and elevators by then."

The group has an extra special itinerary for this next, all important meeting, "We’ve made arrangements with the building manager to host a poetry slam and a very open mic night, as no one is likely to go near the bloody thing," said Stehenside.

The group organizer stated he has already finished a poem that he plans to not read during the event entitled, "For fuck’s sake, woman, close those god damn blinds!"

Philadelphia, PA-These retractions are coming at a fevered pitch lately, as the recession has forced us to outsource our editing to Canada and fewer and fewer of our contributors can afford their medications. Our recent post Hundreds of Dead Opossums Inexplicably Wash-up onto Gulf Beaches: Most Not Faking was not corroborated by the evidence.  The one image that sparked the piece turned out to be PhotoShopped.  Er, actually it turned out to be PhotoShopped by one of our own staff. So we will take the high road in this matter and do what President Obama won’t. As CEO of the Daily Discord, I would like to formally apologize to BP and to their former CEO, Mr. Hayward, you opossum killing wankers (OKWs).

In retrospect, our article Acetaminophen Linked to Headache Relief in Hung-Over Student wasn’t really news worthy.  We have slow days too, and slow days are usually complicated here at the Discord by the higher blood alcohol content of our staffers.

Dalai Lama Leads Police on Three State Car Chase was simply sensationalism at its worst. I have personally dealt with the contributor who sent us this exaggerated piece of pseudo-journalistic nonsense. And, to set the record straight, it was only a two state car chase.  I take some responsibility for this debacle, as the states in question were Georgia, South Carolina, and New Mexico. I have moved Google Maps to my favorites, so nothing like this should ever happen again.

Mariana Trench—Film director and explorer, James Cameron, continued his hourly reporting from the deepest ocean depths ever reached until all contact was lost with his vessel, The Viagra Torpedo, yesterday morning.

At a depth of 15,000 feet Cameron discovered Newt Gingrich’s chances of winning the Republican nomination. At a depth nearing 20,000 feet, he managed to snap a couple of pictures of Gary Busey and Lindsay Lohan. At 30,000 feet, he captured remnants of the U.S. Constitution, alongside select economic passages from Obama’s last State of the Union Address. And from the very sea floor, armed with only a robotic arm, Cameron managed to retrieve Dick Cheney’s moral compass This is where his descent turned south...well, south-er. Apparently, several glowing and undulating Abyss creatures "not at all pleased with how Cameron’s film depicted us!" surrounded his craft.

Then the research vessel topside asked, "Ground control to Director John, your circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong. Can you hear me Director John?"

Then he shouted, "Get away from her, you bitch! I’ll be back," and "Live Rose live!" which the director hoped people would find humorous yet poignant.

Moon—GOP nominee hopeful, Newt Gingrich, estimates Earth’s future moon base will consist of millions of registered Republicans. The former Speaker has sealed a deal with mogul Richard Branson to start his campaign plans along the lunar surface.

"My journey begins after the last delegates are tallied in Tampa, so I will have the jump on the 2040 nomination," said Gingrich.

Gingrich has already foreseen many of the problems of this new colony. "As Pink Floyd tells us, there is a dark side to the moon so a wall must be constructed to segregate those seedier space types from the common decent hard working American colonists. This will surely become a key issue to the moon people of the future."

Gingrich is working closely with NASA engineers on specs for the first interplanetary pipeline. "This ginormous structure will suck and send all of the moon’s resources back to the Koch Brothers...er, I mean Earth."

Gingrich believes 52 delegates may be at stake in this ever important contest. "The moon will likely become a key battleground satellite and, once we terraform Mars, I will be the first politistronaut to greet these intrepid Americans and address their galactic needs."

Gingrich is already concerned both the moon and the Martian financial systems will be tied too closely to the government. "We can not allow our solar system to become a Soros system. We must prepare now to win the hearts and minds of these brave new cosmic capitalists."

Amarillo, TX—Investigators are now repealing previous claims that pink slime, found in school cafeteria lunchmeat, is safe for public consumption. Additional testing revealed pink slime is actually composed of an assortment of animated sea life, high in Omega 3s.

The Pink Slime Meat premise is actually a front for a darker more terrible truth. Research on a sample suggests an assortment of Spongebob Squarepants’ characters, recently dumped by the show’s producers.

Spongebob himself discovered this after the disappearance of his best friend, Patrick Starr, and was later found screaming through Bikini Bottom, "Soylent Pink, it’s Patrick!"

Starr, Spongebob’s starfish sidekick, had a rough time getting gigs after his first round of Celebrity Rehab and disappeared last week after a self induced diabetic coma involving 18-20 Triple Gooberberry Sunrises.

The kiddos were initially saddened but consoled by a generous helping of Gary the Snail trail mix, Plankton Cakes, and Larry the Lobster tots. Although this is not yet officially confirmed, the USDA plans to buy out the remaining pink slime reserves. They plan to treat the product with green dye and market it to patrons for St. Patty’s Day. They outbid Nickelodeon’s show Slime Time Live for the three story tall vat of pinkish goodness.

Phoenix, AZ—On the evening of March 9^th a strange explosion in the Northwest Valley was captured by Fox News 10. The power company immediately denied any transformer blow outs and the large, unexplained flash of light remained a mystery, until now.

Sheriff Joe Arpaio finally made a statement to the press yesterday, explaining the mysterious flash. The Sheriff admitted he and his department used a bazooka to eliminate a flagrant j-walking menace from nearby Mesa. Parts of the j-walker later arrived at Scottsdale Medical Center, while other parts arrived at Arizona Regional in Mesa.

"We only recovered 60% of the ‘alleged’ offender," said Arpaio, "but I can tell you one thing, that bastard will not be blatantly ignoring crosswalks again in my town."

Sherriff Arpaio came under considerable scrutiny last year for using a SWAT team and a tank to break up a cock fighting ring that turned out to be a pacifist farmer who just loves his cock.

Rooster spokesperson, Foghorn Leghorn, had this to say, "I say, I say, this man’s a bleeping menace. He’s about as sharp as a sack of wet javelinas."

Springfield, ??—Joseph "Putin" Quimby won Re-election today in a landslide victory over his opponent, Grounds Keeper Willy. Pundits believe that Super PAC funds from an unnamed nuclear power plant owner, and rampant voter intimidation sealed the deal for the incumbent.

Even Quimby’s harshest critics did not deny how animated he’s been throughout this campaign. Quimby, affectionately known to locals as Joe the Mayor, ran on a record of creating the 6-1/2 day work week, the squelching of all local unions, and the complete gutting of regulations at Springfield’s nuclear power plant.

Quimby told reporters, "Aside from their close proximity, there is no proven connection between the power plant and the three-eyed fish." The Mayor also claimed the many glowing objects in the surrounding area "actually help people see at night and increases tourism."

During the course of the race Quimby’s team, the committee to Re-elect the mayor, or CREEM, further developed that argument, eventually using the issue as a standing talking-point. They claimed it demonstrated the opponent party’s "well-known callous disregard for human life, [as the] Liberals once again put their love for enviro-fascism ahead of the welfare and safety of Mr. Burns…er, the American people."

The Mayor’s oft invoked slogan, "You Don’t Eat the Fish’s Eyes Anyway" was met with wild cheers from his supporters.

Quimby refused to comment on his competition’s not-so-gracious consolation speech where several people were injured as Willy drove a tractor over supporters and critics alike, pumping his fists and shouting things decidedly Scottish.

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord condemns the drone attack that killed commentator, Andrew Breitbart, in the strongest possible terms. No one argues that a U.S. President has the authority to assassinate its citizens. After all, a very patriotic law made that possible. And, sure, Breitbart had some questionable journalistic practices, but who’s next? Limbaugh? Hannity? Malkin?

Well, we could let those slide, I suppose, but this power could easily be abused. What if we accidently took out Shep Smith, a relatively nice guy over on Fox News? What if he just happened to be standing next to Sean Hannity when the drone strikes? What if children are around, like the very child-like Newt Gingrich? And shouldn’t Michele Bachmann be treated for her condition, not eliminated? Is this how we care for our mentally ill? What if one of Santorum’s sweater vests gets damaged, irreparably? This practice needs to end here and now.

Discord field reporter, Cokie McGrath, added, "Theoretically, President Obama could use predator drone strikes to eliminate his competition...if he had any."

Many feel Breitbart’s followers are aggressive and ill informed and that such an attack "would only stir the hornet’s nest."

"Who knows how they will retaliate," said the Discord’s Mick Zano. "We need to reach out to moderate Republicans and use the military option against them only as a last resort. First, we should impose comprehensive sanctions designed to separate them from their trucks and their guns."

When it was pointed out how moderate conservatives are all but extinct, Zano eventually condoned more drone strikes. "For the record, it took several pints of ale before I gave this practice my blessing, and only when they sweetened the deal by adding Coulter and Palin to The List," said Zano.

Wadyia—Bordering on the country of Freedonia, Wadiya sits at the heart of the tribal region of outer Fictitiousitan. In an unprecedented slap to American exceptionalism, Wadiya’s dictator, General Aladeen, attended the Oscars and made a mockery of a noble American tradition.

Aladeen, known to many as the Tyrant of the Vine Street Lounge, has a list of atrocities as long as the Discord’s Ghetto Shaman. Why did the Obama Administration and the Academy appease this cruel and inhuman dictator? Despite his gross humanitarian violations, they awarded him, not one, but two tickets to the Oscars as well as a parking pass.

Here is what the dictator said on his website after the Academy caved to his demands: "Evil and all those who make Satan their protector have been driven into the Pacific Sea."

He later clarified at an after-hours party that he meant the Pacific briny deep. Aladeen lives in the middle of the desert and has banned all Zionist maps and the internet long ago.

Aladeen told the Discord today, "I do not want this Twitter or this Book of Faces to allow my enemies to chat, or Meetup, or organize these flash of mobs. Wadiyans are a proud peoples, but they are lousy dancers with next to no fashion sense."

Radio talk show host, Rush Limbaugh, is outraged. "The fact he waltzed into the Oscars and caused a scene bordering on assault is an affront to justice. He was initially banned for a reason. We should be stuffing sanctions so far up his Islamofascist ass he’s shitting Koran’s for a week."

Rolla, MO—Restaurant Manager, Bob Dickson, was shocked and saddened when no one showed at his Waffle House for their special Valentine’s menu.

"We put candles on every table," said Dickson. "We even got those mini fish bowl glass thingies from the Dollar Store for ‘em." Upon further questioning, Dickson admitted their heart-shaped waffles looked "more like asses" and they never did switch the closed sign to open for the entire first shift.

The feedback from their regulars followed a clear pattern. It seems a lot of men suggested the Waffle House on February 14^th but the women were less than enthusiastic.

Mason explained, "The gals all responded with a similar ‘Are you f^&*ing kidding me?!’ theme. But we’re still looking at it like the glass is half full. The guys liked the idea, so we’re halfway there. You know, like that Bon Jovi song."

When asked what song? Mason furrowed his brow. "I don’t know, but I do know the Waffle Shop is not giving up. We could cater to gay male couples. We should corner the market on that demographic for sure."

When asked if a large gay community existed in Rolla, Mason replied, "Sure, we’re open to that kind of thing...well, in a ‘run-their-faggot-asses-out-of-town’ kind of way."

Washington, DC - Iran has failed to meet their deadline to disarm, so President Obama warned how, in the near future, colorful metaphors are likely to descend on the defiant country.  Obama has assailed Iran with an increasingly terse tone—a tone that could escalate to swearing.

When asked if the Obama Administration is prepared to use any of George Carlin’s ‘seven words you can not say on television,’ Obama replied, "No options are off the table at this time."

If Iran continues to thumb their nose at the global community, Obama threatened an "egregious bout of profanity not seen since the Discord’s last Crank feature." 

Defense Secretary, Leon Panetta, stated the dropping of the F-bomb itself is not a matter of if, but when.

"Plans to do anything meaningful to suspend Iran’s nuclear pursuits have been suspended until operation Mock and Caw takes full effect," said Panetta.  "We’re even thinking of an outright regime change, so…like, instead of referring to the Iranian regime as the ‘Iranian regime’, we’re going to call it the ‘Iranian leadership’.  See?  We changed the regime with no loss of life."

"As for the old carrot and the stick analogy," said Obama,  "we have used the carrot, so now the time has come to use the smaller, less enticing carrot, and, of course, an egregious bout of profanity."

Los Angeles, CA—Actor Daniel Radcliffe, of Harry Potter fame, admitted to the press today his fate to one day face Lord Voldemort was "just too much" and may have contributed to his heavy drinking on the set.

The Potter actor feels his naked escapades with those horses in that Broadway play "didn’t help." In retrospect, Radcliffe is just happy he managed to turn down that "Katharine the Great meets Trigger" screenplay.

Radcliffe also blames his boozular indiscretions on the eclectic and unpredictable teaching styles of the professors at Hogwarts. "Professor Snape always exuded pressure, not to mention the crazies and the ones who turned out to be werewolves," said Radcliffe, "and I don’t recommend taking Potions & Herbology three times, if you follow."

Friend Luna Lovegood has a different angle and "suspects Nargles" as the main reason Potter was always potted.

Championing a different theory, Dr. Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute of Wizardry, believes J.K. Rowling’s "butterbeer" is a gateway fictional drink.

"I don’t recommend spending your whole childhood drinking something called butterbeer out of a beer mug in some dingy castle pub. It’s a slippery nipple...er, slope. First you start nipping a little butterbeer and the next thing you know you’re chugging Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters at the Restaurant at the End of the Universe."

Ringling, OK—Located only twenty miles from U.S. Route 35, Ringling residents question why "no one ever stops here." The local gift shop, travel port, and gas distribution center reports only one item sold during the entire fiscal year.

Convenience store proprietor, Fran Mullins said, "The T-shirt we sold read: What happens in Ringling …No Really, What Happens in Ringling? It’s not really a joke so much as a cry for help."

Despite the abysmal sales, the town continues to look forward from their porch chairs. "We’re not looking back," said Mayor Johnson. "Nothing back there anyways. We think a mural on the side of Morley’s Hardware store might help—maybe of a bustling town. It’s a ‘paint it and they will come’ kind of philosophy. We are also thinking of a traffic light, so they have to stop. We just need to pave some type of cross street, I suppose."

Warren Morley, of Morley’s Hardware added, "There’s talk of a Panda Express opening next year. This is solely for the purpose of improving tourism, because, frankly, there’s not much demand for panda meat among locals."

Mt. Olympus—The Greek God, Zeus, is highly displeased with the Obama Administration’s arrogance. "How dare he force my hand on this, especially considering the sheer number of lightning bolts I’m typically palming at any given moment."

Zeus feels some of the Obamacare mandates are in direct contradiction to his own belief system.

"You can’t expect me to pay for operations that defy Greek mythological principles," said Zeus. His chief complaint involves Obamacare forcing him to buy insurance that includes amputation procedures. Zeus believes such amputations would forever disqualify the dead from crossing the River Styx into Hades. "If a person is missing a body part, Charon, the Ferryman, will throw them right out of the boat!" said Zeus. "Is it better to save an arm and spend eternity in limbo or Tartarus? Mortal fools! Obama is forcing this down my throat and I happen to know a thing or two about that. Just ask my father, Cronus."

Zeus employs over 17,000 mortals but maintains he is only sleeping with the female ones. Zeus is now threatening to burn the White House to the ground unless an amicable compromise can be reached. When asked if he is jumping on the recent Christian bandwagon against Obamacare, Zeus replied, "Don’t conflate issues. Those people hold some strange beliefs."

In related news, Zeus claimed the life of another golfer in California. "I f*&^ing hate golf," said Zeus.

Cincinnati, OH—GOP nominee hopeful, Newt Gingrich, told reporters today he is conceding the race and will stand behind a younger less baggage-heavy version of himself. Gingrich’s handlers claim the move came after he started flinging his own feces at a group of Romney supporters yesterday while on the campaign trail in Cincinnati.

"Not only do we need a base on the moon," said Gingrich, "we need time machines that can access temporal wormholes for the sole purpose of allowing politicians, like me, to step back in time and avoid the pitfalls they would later regret."

The older Gingrich plans to drop out of the race and spend more time with some of his families. Meanwhile, the younger version promises to resume the fight with new vigor "right up until the convention!"

Gingrich believes no one with any character can pass the scrutiny presidential hopefuls all face. "This is not about me. This is about getting the best presidential candidate in place to beat Barack Obama next year. I am that candidate, or I will be that candidate through some heavily funded temporal trickery."

Gingrich also explained how the "construction of this fantastic machine will create real jobs for real Americans." He finished his speech by calling himself the Once and Future Ging and then compared himself to Mother Teresa, Ronald Reagan, and that guy from Stargate...before he started flinging more feces at some nearby Romney supporters.  

Punxsutawney, PA—Those who remain in Punxsutawney after Groundhog Day are now treated to a little talked about event. Punxsutawney Pete, the famous Pennsylvanian opossum prognosticator, predicted Six-more-weeks of slow economic growth and implied Obama’s policies are to blame.

The town of Punxsutawney has seen a steady decline in interest in Groundhog Day over the years. The town responded by adding this opossumy pundit to their busy groundhogian mix.

For the last three years, Pete has emerged from his hole and offered several predictions regarding our state of the union. Thus far he’s accurately foreseen the onset of the mortgage crisis, the end to the Iraq War, and the crushing defeat of Sanjaya on American Idol.

"We needed to keep the tourists around another night," said Mayor Yokel. "We tried blocking the road out of town with a mock accident, but you can only get away with that shit so many times."

The Mayor came under considerable scrutiny for the rumor that swarms of radioactively enlarged insects had surrounded the town in February of 2007.

"Even the Easter Bunny thinks Phil is a bad opening act," said Yokel. The Mayor blames the slump in tourism on two major factors: "It’s so rare the little bastard sees an early spring in our future and, second, that damnable movie Groundhog Day! Folks are scared would-be-attendees might become trapped in a temporal loop and never leave this piss ant little town again. If Bill Murray was here right now I’d punch him in his raccoon face."

Punxsutcoony Paul was unavailable for comment.

London, GB—Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy attended last week’s London premiere of The Muppets. During the event, British reporters asked the pair what they thought about the growing tension between Fox News and the popular Hensonites. The cable news giant is also particularly angry at the Muppet, Animal, for urinating on Roger Ailes at the Propaganda for Dummies Symposium in San Diego last month.

When specifically questioned about Fox’s assertion the movie has a liberal agenda, Kermit said, "If we have a problem with oil companies, why would we have spent the entire film driving around a gas-guzzling Rolls Royce?"

Miss Piggy then chimed in, "It's almost as laughable as accusing Fox News of, you know, being news."

The Daily Discord later asked if the couple wished to retract their statements. "Certainly not," said Kermit, "and I can tell you another thing: with Fox News around it aint easy being green."

Miss Piggy stated she was more concerned about conservative’s recent racist attacks against Muppets in general, and added, "I know the women of Fox News are attractive, but to me it’s all just lipstick on a pig."

She then asked to have her statement retracted, which we will now do:

Please do not read that last statement from Miss Piggy.

See Fox? That’s how you do a retraction. You should try it.

Lake County, FL—GOP nomination hopeful, Newt Gingrich "mistakenly" shook 11-month-old Jacob Horowitz’s hand and then proceeded to kiss Rebecca Horowitz, the infant’s mother, on the lips. This occurred on the campaign trail earlier today at a diner described by locals as "an area favorite". One witness said the kiss was "not nearly as disturbing as what he did with his hands."

The former Speaker immediately responded by saying his actions were intentional. "Look, the woman was very attractive and the baby had a pungent feces smell to it. What would anyone have done given those circumstances? I am frankly appalled that women everywhere go through such lengths to help Barack Obama by further reporting my unwanted advances to the media."

Gingrich is also denying slipping the woman the tongue. "It's preposterous. The destructive, vicious, unaccommodating nature of females is making it increasingly harder to govern this country. Many important legislators remain completely preoccupied by frigid Floridians like Mrs. what's-her-name. Furthermore, I can assure you I do not smoke cigars that way. I also know the definition of what the word ‘is’ is and I have more lawyers than that ungrateful bitch has diapers."

When questioned further about the misstep, Gingrich said, "I have no doubt that my esteemed colleague Ron Paul would have liberated the baby from the diaper on the spot. And Romney would have kissed the baby’s ass, regardless, because he panders to any poop anywhere, and with current polling data from Florida no one even cares what Zeppo would have done."

Rome, IT—Francesco Schettino, the Captain of the ill-fated Costa Concordia, is being sought in connection to the fire that consumed his own apartment in Rome Monday. The incident completely torched the 17-unit apartment building in which the Captain was recently confined, pending a full investigation of his recent cruise ship tragedy.

After cooking a Franco American product for dinner, Schettino told the press, "Mistakes were made. I don’t usually cook for myself. I have people for that."

Local authorities claim, Capt. Schettino immediately called the Judge in the Concordia case and said, "The building, she is ablaze!"

The Judge ordered him back into the flaming structure and questioned why he didn’t call the Italian Fire Service first. Capt. Schettino said he tried to, but had already tripped out of the fire escape and landed in an alley dumpster, where he spent the next 45 minutes trying to find his cell phone.

"So whose cell phone are you using to call me?" asked the Judge. Schettino responded with a crackling noise as if he was losing the signal and then hung up.

Capt. Schettino allegedly tried to follow the judge’s order by reentering the building, but somehow jammed his recently recovered cell phone into the base of the lobby’s revolving door, trapping several dozen egressing tenants inside of the burning structure. Authorities claim Schettino did manage to set off a warning flare that only served to set fire to a nearby building. The Captain later admitted, "Flares seem to work best over water."

The controversial Captain also denies sailing the apartment building too close to the rocky shoreline on a request from the women in 3B. "That’s just silly," said Schettino. "And, as for the fire, it could not have been prevented. The fire extinguisher malfunctioned and shot a white powdery substance right into my face."

Washington, DC —President Barack Obama informed the press today of his intention to raise the debt ceiling in a new, more phonetically friendly fashion (PFF).

"We want folks everywhere to feel less concerned about our nation’s debt," said Obama. "And what better way than through creative relabeling? My economic team is hard at work, not only printing more funny money from Panama, but renaming key monetary designations for your spendular enjoyment."

U.S. Secretary of the Treasury, Timothy Geithner, told the press, "We have changed the billion dollar mark to the whatmeworry, and a trillion will now be referred to as a Zen-mullet. Also, the Megafonzie, a measure of coolness from Futurama, will now be the equivalent of just under 22-trillion dollars."

When asked, how much under 22-trillion, Geithner replied, "Just a measly albatross vreeble. Point being, we are currently only a half a Megafonzie in debt, which you have to admit sounds a lot cooler than 11-trillion."

Each time the U.S. dollar’s bond rating is decreased, Team Obama will simply change those names as well. "I think being downgraded to something like Sparkle Bling status doesn’t sound as bad," said Geithner.

Even Republicans like the idea, but they will still vote against it on principle.

"...the ‘we just want to get re-elected’ principle," as clarified by Republican Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell. "If Obama would have just met us halfway, like maybe at that sports bar…"

Radio talk show host, Rush Limbaugh, added, "We need to change the name of the currency itself not the increments, maybe something from the Hitchhiker’s Guide…like the Flanian Pobble Bead or the Triganic Pu. Changing the increments is just more of Obama’s financial chicanery!"

Modesto,CA—Last night, 27 year old Farcus Laubstein made the fateful decision to watch the Evil Dead trilogy. He did this not long after successfully hacking into a Cyborg software site and acquiring considerable summoning points in the game Runescape. The California man allegedly downed two bottles of Arctic Devil barley wine and started reciting passages from H.P Lovecraft’s fictional grimoire, the Necronomicon, "just for a goof."

The sinister combination created an inter-dimensional rift and a subsequent chain of diabolical events not seen since the last episode of The Apprentice.  

Laubstein was last heard screaming and gouging out his own eyeballs, which people who knew him claim may have been due to viewing the last episode of The Apprentice. He scratched only one word onto a nearby table, Nucttelmeron, which Hogbein believes is either a demon, or a hazelnut cocoa spread.

Laubstein’s home was burned to the ground along with any and all evidence of the hell spawn he unleashed. Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube, has tried to duplicate the conditions, but has thus far only managed to summon "a wicked burp."

His failure has not disheartened the demonologist and cross dresser. "I will repeat the conditions again and again until the desired results are reached, or my VHS tape of the Evil Dead II gives up the ghost, whichever comes first," said Dr. Hogbein.

Alliance, NE—An unprecedented and quite artistic wave of fecal designs are now dotting the midwestern landscape.  These titanic turds are part of an unexplained phenomenon known as ‘crap circles.’  Unsure of the precise cause, scientists have not ruled out extra terrestrial fecal matter (ETFM).  Local art communities describe the sacred mounds as Fart-Deco.  Could these be the same shitting stars locals are now spotting across the night sky with increasing irregularity?  A total of seventeen such post-intestinistic displays have thus far been discovered. Most of these circular poo piles (CPPs) are located in the corn fields surrounding Alliance, NE. 

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute & Lube, is calling these events Close Encounters of the Number 2 kind.  The aged archeologist believes the site’s proximity to Carhenge, a Stonehenge replica created from old cars, is no coincidence.

"Carhenge is an ancient structure that holds unknown energies," said Hogbein of the 1987 constructed sculpture. "It’s also one of the few Midwestern tourist oddities that can be seen from space—er, well, very low space," corrected Hogbein.  "This makes it a great intergalactic restroom of sorts."

Hogbein posits that the deposits originate beyond our solar septic system and, perhaps, some alien race is aiming for Carhenge like a cosmic bull’s-eye.

"Regardless, it lends credence to Hawkins recent statements about avoiding contact with aliens," said Hogbein.  "He, in particular, would have a hard time getting out of the way of one of these plummeting brown beauties." 

Washington, DC—President Barak Obama admitted during a press conference today that the recent rumors are true: the Obama Administration has fallen behind on its mortgage payments. However, the President is adamantly denying claims he and his family will be forced to move out of the White House and into the audio visual room at the Library of Congress.

When asked how this happened, Obama did not blame his own economic team, but instead pointed the finger at his predecessor. "You would think this bitch would have been paid off centuries ago, but old W did some kind of reverse mortgage thing that botched everything up," said Obama.

Rush Limbaugh immediately defended our former President. "Obama can’t blame Bush on this one. He has been in that house for three years. This is his mortgage and he needs to take responsibility for his own financial failings."

Ironically, Obama does not qualify for any of his own mortgage relief programs. "They suggested I fall behind another couple of payments before even applying," said Obama. "Who dreamt this shit up?"

When asked if he planned to move his family into the Jefferson Memorial, Obama said, "Too drafty. There are some good rates over at the Watergate Hotel in Foggy Bottom, but I could just see the headlines now."

Los Angeles, CA—Warner Music Group has announced its success in gaining the rights to Thomas Edison’s masterpieces and then digitally enhancing them for the world’s enjoyment. The CD two set, due to be released next month, is destined to be a collector’s item, for those who really, really like collecting things.

"We did something very special," said WMG spokesperson, Guy Wiley. "We wanted to capture all of Edison’s greatest hits without losing the historical significance of his work, and quickly, because I needed to let the dogs out by four."

The CDs contain Thomas Alva Edison’s monumental reciting of Mary Had a Little Lamb, in all its historic glory. The CDs also contain a remix, rap version of the same nursery rhyme, like you’ve never heard it before! And who could forget Edison’s version of Little Jack Horner? Besides us. We had to Google the shit. The second CD also has a rare, never released version of Edison’s Shock the Monkey. Who knew?

Warner Music Group boasts the music quality reaches "almost 8-track level," which Mr. Wiley claims is a marked improvement over Edison’s original tin foil-coated cylinder-format.

"Frankly, we blow the Ediphone away," said Wiley. "It’s exciting to be a part of this, or so I’m told to say."

Kansas City, KS—The Heartland of America is appalled by the recent recall of French breast implants. An investigation is currently attempting to determine the source of the defective silicone scare currently plaguing our pookas.

"The French are endangering our freedom, our females, and our foreplay! The three Fs." said Congressman, Steven Farley. "These people obviously hate us for our honkers."

Farley hopes the French economy will suffer "heaving losses" under the new breast ban.

One breast implant manufacturer is responding with the release of Liberty Melons in B, C, D, and OMFG! sizes. "We’ve been really titty fucked on this one, boys," said the spokesperson for Tits "R" Bust. "We want to fondle American made tatas only!"

Tits "R" Bust is also toying with the idea of releasing three other lines, Nation Knockers, ConsTITutionals, and Freedom Hooters, in an effort to capture the entire silicone breast implant market.

Opposition is already organizing. An "Occupy Bazzombas" group is now camped out in the valley to protest the company’s rampant nationalism. "Why would the word Bust be in the name of a company that makes breast implants anyway?" said one female protestor. "This is all part of the one pair-cents plot to keep me an A-cup forever."

Recent violence at the Occupy encampment has spurred a local Sherriff to warn, "Such upheavals could cause dangerous rack ruptures amongst the female protestors. Buy American next time, you damn hippies."

Tehran, IR—Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced his diabolical actions on the evening of December 25th. Iranian scientists claim to have successfully reverse-engineered Santa’s GPS coordinates and guided the jolly old saint and his sleigh into a field northeast of Tehran.

"We wanted to capture the fat bastard with all the goods, but his flight plan made it easier to nab him during his return to the North Pole," said Ahmadinejad. "We now plan to harness Santa’s secrets to bring down the great Satan known as America."

The sleigh is reportedly in mint condition, because of all of Santa’s mints, but the North Pole is denying claims that, during the initial encounter, Santa used some of his Christmas elves as human shields.

"They’re not human," said Mrs. Claus, "take my word on this one."

The Obama Administration is considering this an act of war.

"This is an outrage," said President Obama. "We want Santa back without a hair harmed on his chinny chin chin."

Obama then made several other cutsie Yule-time-anologies (YTAs), before hurling his teleprompter at the nearest wall.

"Who's going to bring me a new one next year!" blubbered the President as he stormed off stage.

Sadly, Santa and his reindeer were interrogated by Iranian officials on December 26th and then stoned to death for practicing sorcery. Stocks tumbled today with the news Christmas, as we know it, has ended.

Kidding! Santa kicked their heathen asses all over the desert and made it home for dinner.

New York, NY—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Bagel Shop, is not convinced a large, as yet undiscovered species of elephantidae, is living within the urban sprawl in and around Sesame Street.

After perusing the area’s refuse, the prominent crypto-zoologist concluded, "The waste could certainly sustain a small garbage-can-dwelling creature, say 2 to 3 feet tall, but I don’t think anything much larger could survive here on the existing food supply."

Dr. Hogbein falls shy of completely dismissing the possibility, but he also believes a creature of such girth would have a hard time remaining unnoticed.

"This isn’t about one creature, there would need to be enough to sustain a sizeable population, which, giving the setting, becomes even more implausible. Show me some hair samples, some scat, anything that would help prove the existence of something this large living in, of all places, a city borough," said Dr. Hogbein.

A large yellow ornithoid, known to the locals, recently passed several lie detector tests and is believed to be the only credible witness.

Upon reviewing this Big Bird’s testimony, Dr. Hogbein stated, "It’s certainly seeing something, but I will give more credence to these eyewitness accounts if this bird underwent a battery of psychological testing."

Dr. Hogbein later suggested to reporters this bird flew into one too many closed windows.

Heaven—Upon arrival at the Pearly Gates, Christopher Hitchens refused to put down his scotch when addressing St. Peter and sized up the holy gatekeeper with an intense glare.  He then announced that he was mortified about the prospect of an afterlife, adding, "Oh, and I should warn you, I only drink Harp, I don’t play them."

St. Peter then explained to Mr. Hitchens that he did not appear on any of his lists, which is "quite impossible."

Before wandering off, Mr. Hitchens made a gesture that greatly upset the Saint and called him a glorified toll bridge worker.

God is now completely denying the existence of the short, rude little man, or his unscheduled appearance at the Pearly Gates. "We have no record of him and if the word omnipotent means anything at all to you people, the matter should be considered settled. Besides," continued God, "…a hawkish foreign policy advocate who can think his way out of a paper bag? Preposterous." God then named every Republican in the United States to prove his point and called it a night.

Geneva, CH—At the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), the largest particle accelerator in the world, scientists have finally discovered the elusive ‘God Particle.’ The particle, known also as the Higgs-Boson, was cornered by the collider’s ATLAS Detector and then relentlessly taunted by scientists for several hours. Finally succumbing to the incessant verbal assault, the particle eventually winked out of existence entirely to the backdrop of cheering physicists.

"We think it’s fitting that a piece of engineering named after a pagan Titan finally nabbed the bastard," said one scientist, referring to the facility’s ATLAS detector. "God had it coming after setting back this planet countless centuries with his God-awful teachings, pardon the pun."

"We gave him a Richard Dawkins-style welcome," said Dr. Adam Smascheer of the cryogenic’s department. "We had thought about dropping Darwin’s Origin of the Species on the damned thing from a ladder, but we don’t want to stoop to his level. There’s also a lot of OSHA paperwork involved in climbing ladders these days."

God, believed to have winked out existence for good, was unavailable for commandment…er, comment.

Flores, Guatemala—Studying geological sediment in Central America for the last 37 beers, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Multiplex, found a layer of rock chock full of beer, wine, wild orgies, and the residue of a variety of psychedelic plants and substances. Several similar sites scattered across the globe confirm this layer of debaucherous sediment.

"It’s the stratum of all strata, an epoch of epic proportions, a party that was truly hardy," said Dr. Hogbein. "This festival was of Biblical proportions. Not that anyone from the Bible was invited."

Hogbein’s research team posits the party lasted nearly three hundred years after the discovery of a stone engraved sign that read, Three Centuries of Peace and Music.

"Evidence suggests they had live bands booked throughout the extraordinarily long event," said Dr. Hogbein. "The bad news, however, decades could go by between sets."

Dr. Hogbein’s research team believes this Beer Garden of Eden may also explain the demise of the Neanderthal.

"Homo Sapiens were better at games like beer pong and speed quarters and probably hooked up with all the women during this time period," said Hogbein. "Neanderthals probably drank themselves to death out of disgust."

New York, NY—Kevin Bacon is claiming the crown after being a critical component of a game/phenomenon that has spanned the planet for nearly two decades. The game, Six-Degrees of Kevin Bacon, started circa 1994 and Bacon is now claiming, "It’s over and I won."

The Hollywood actor claims to have remained consistently ‘no degrees to Bacon’ each and every time he was challenged over the years.

"No one can dethrone me at this point. It’s over," said Bacon.

Experts remain mixed as to whether Bacon’s claim is justified or premature.

"He was wise to declare victory during his lifespan," said physicist Stephen Hawking. "Had he died before doing so, the game could clearly have ended very differently. Still, according to the theory of infinite possibilities, well, his victory is premature at best."

Kevin Bacon responded to Hawking’s statement thusly, "I don’t know you, Mr. Hawking, or should I say Mister two-degrees-from-Bacon at best?"

Brussels, BE—NASA and the European Union have jointly agreed to downgrade Belgium to a countrytoid. Today, this leaves planet Earth with 195 countries and 1 countrytoid. The EU warns this may be the first of many such re-designations. This status change could have implications for the Euro as well as all waffle, chocolate, and beer imports from the now demoralized ‘toid’ nation. The move comes as the countrytoid still flounders for a new government. According to Belgian and Flemish types from all across their seven-block-nation, this could not have happened at a worse time.

"This could not have happened at a worse time," said one Flemish type in an effort to back the Discord’s earlier statement.

One Belgian Monk even broke his vow of silence to talk to the Discord, "That fucking kraut bitch can’t do this shit to us!"

The Monk didn’t say that, exactly, but we have all of our spiritual quotes translated by our Chief Spiritual Correspondent, the Ghetto Shaman. He doesn’t know French or Flemish, so he kind of winged it.

"It took Belgium 18-months just to decide if they even want to form a new government," responded Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel. "So, when no one is minding the store, this was the perfect time to take care of business. If they want to put on their big boy lederhosen, we can upgrade them again, but until then tough titties. Look, you can have a small country with a big economy, like Israel, or you can be a big country with a poor economy, like Spain," said Merkel, "but you can’t be a small, no government little piss ant in my neighborhood, or we’re downgrading your asses."

Washington, DC—Heartland Congressman, William Marshall, is calling for the immediate banishment of all Muppets and all citizens who test positive for the Muppet gene. Marshall is not alone, as most real Americans feel Muppets are not real, nor are they Americans.

"They aren’t like us. They’re dangerous," said Marshall, an avid X-men fan. "We should identify all of them immediately and send them to that island off the coast of Africa with the rest of the Brotherhood of Mutants."

Sarah Palin also joked about hunting Muppets from her helicopter.

"My fellow Americans are right about the need to sepregate these things from the general population," said Palin. Her staff then spent the rest of the night desperately trying to add the word sepregate to Wikipedia.

Radio television personality, Rush Limbaugh, believes, "It’s the job of the government to keep its citizens safe from any and all threats domestic and Fozzy." Limbaugh differs, however, on where to send them. "The Land of Misfit Toys near the North Pole will suffice. Let Santa Claus deal with these Henson genegineered monstrosities!"

Washington, DC—A recent Discord poll indicates the bulk of new Newt supporters (NNFs) are, in fact, the masses of frustrated NBA fans across our great nation. Newt Gingrich’s inexplicable Phoenix-like rise from the ashes of dickishness is clearly linked to the misdirected anger of those avid sport fanatics with way too much time on their hands.

"The NBA faction constitutes the vast majority of his bump," said Discord reporter, Cokie McGrath. "Furious Penn State fans may also be joining forces in a perfect shit-storm of people who want to further screw with the system."

"I don’t know what to do with myself," said Chicago Bulls fan, Pete Warner. "I don't care what happens to America anymore, so I’ve decided to back that blowhard creepy guy."

The Gingrich camp has predicted this slow and steady rise to the top, as other Republican candidates keep making the mistake of talking...with their mouths...to reporters and other journalist types.

"What this party really needed is someone who can bloviate a string of meaningless words that sounds intelligent," said Gingrich. "And I live for that shit."

North Pole—Elves and occupiers clashed outside of that jolly old "one percenter's" workshop this week. The incident ended in 27 arrests and at least a dozen injuries. Santa Claus is denying the authorization to use force. Many are claiming St. Nick ordered his toy making elves to forcibly remove the dozens of protestors by force from his frosty front lawn yesterday.

"It’s a load of Yule time shit," said Santa. "They were doing things to the Christmas trees and defecating in my ornate sleighs. They were provoking the elves, they were provoking me! They kept calling me Dumbledore, the pagan little shits."

Fox News "journalists" believe this is more evidence of a War on Christmas.

"They’re ramping up their efforts to destroy America, destroy tradition, destroy God!" said Bill O’Rielly. "I don’t really believe that, but I got paid more to say that sentence than you make in a year, losers."

Washington, DC—The Grand Old Party is struggling with its own identity as they may well lose the 2012 election, despite a toxic economy not seen since their guy. They really haven’t been able to narrow down the field to that one candidate who will best bring about the rapture.

"We lost Trump, Beck, and Palin," said radio talk show personality, Rush Limbaugh, "anyone of whom is unstable enough to meet our needs. Then came Perry, because we thought, hmmm, only a swaggering Texan could pick up where W left off."

To the horror of the GOP, Republican candidates are imploding right and righter.

"It’s not so much their gross lack of understanding of foreign and domestic policy," said Fox News’ Sean Hannity. "That’s part of the GOP’s charm, but they’re clearly underachieving in the ever-important ‘I-would-like-to-have-a-beer-with-you’ likability scale."

"They’re just not BBQ friendly," said Limbaugh. "Perry would lose track of the conversation and then probably vomit on you. Cain would immediately start to demean and grope all of your women folk and Michele Bachmann, hell, if her anti-psychotics dip below the therapeutic dosage, she’ll be grilling your pets!"

"We despise Ron Paul for being way too correct about stuff years ago," added Hannity, "and Newt Gingrich only scores well on the ‘I-would-like-to-dump-a-beer-on-your-head’ dickishness scale. So it looks like we’re forced to go with the flip-flopping, magic underwear-wearing moderate."

Washington, DC—President Barak Obama plans to level with the American people by admitting the economy is irreparably damaged. He will be turning his presidency over to Joe Biden, just as soon as our VP’s foot can be surgically removed from his mouth.

"I really screwed the political pooch on the domestic front," said Obama, after he claimed to have even tried hiring a disreputable debt consolidation firm to help with the deficit. "But even cash advance places are turning us down," said Obama. "We almost had a part time job doing some light dusting for Germany, but, as it turns out, we’re illegals there."

When asked about jobs created by the Stimulus Program, Obama said, "I did ask the Count von Count from Sesame Street to tally those job creation numbers, so the totals may have been Muppetplied a bit. Regardless, this jobless, hopelessly-broken-economy shit is really starting to negatively impact my golf game. Hope has left the building and, should Obamacare fail, I’m planning on giving Obama Daddy Daycare a whirl. It worked for Eddie Murphy."

Oklahoma City, OK—Authorities fear the 5.6 magnitude earthquake that rocked Oklahoma this week has yet to claim all of its victims. Time is running out for an estimated 17-million corn kernels still buried under an area of fallen corn stalks rescue workers estimate to be "the size of Corn-necticut."

Many believe we are facing a "creamed corn scenario of unprecedented proportions."

Oklahoma City officials are thankful their state is flat or the resulting pyroclastic flows of high fructose corn lava could have consumed entire towns.

"But luckily we don’t have many of those either," said Mayor Cobb Huskins. "But make no mistake, we’ve been cornholed for sure."

Some locals are taking advantage of the quake through looting, "It’s a cornucopia out there," said one stalker. "The real thing is just so much better than internet corn."

The Green Giant and Little Sprout were unavailable for comment.

Philadelphia, PA—It’s time once again to right our wrongs and apologize for our vast array of incompetent pseudo journalistic meddling (IPJM). Which reminds me, we are also sorry about all the lousy acronym jokes (LAJs).

First off, Breast Awareness Month should have been Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  We are sorry for all of the inappropriate boob-ogling that ensued, but it’s really kind of the baseline here at Discord Central. 

We also do have one quote retraction.  "I hired Roger Ailes because he was hot and got ratings," – Sarah Palin.  Umm, although Roger Ailes is a sexy, old, bald, fat guy, this is clearly a case of the old switcheroo.

Our feature Early Pullout Causes Trouble for Discord Interns should have been Early Troop Pullouts Cause Trouble & Discord for Iraqis. I have personally sent a harsh memo to the Discord contributor involved, who we will leave Zanoless.

Finally, we would like apologize for our recent feature Top Ten Things You Should Never do to a Panda.  In retrospect, we realize the post was in poor taste and may have given some ideas to those sociopathic individuals among us.

Wolfeboro, NH—Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney warns of the stark realities of conviction change. He told the Daily Discord earlier today "‘Global conforming’ is most likely influenced by the voting activities of man. I understand how the sea levels, I mean deceive levels are clearly rising across the Tea Planet as the world grows increasingly warmer, I mean fodder," said Romney.

"Endless 24-hour news cycles impact the hot air emanating from my mouth," explained Romney. "A host of contradictory atmospheric conditions near and around the neococoon can greatly impact my views on any given topic at any given time."

Romney told reasonable Americans, in Pig Latin, how he has every intention of changing many of his positions back to sane ones, "Just as soon as I win the Republican nomination, I will make sense again," said Romney. "But until then I am forced to drink from the Cup of Stupid."

Many are concerned, this very real ‘global conforming’ phenomenon could continue to impact his actual stance on abortion, global warming, immigration, healthcare, and the need for tax revenues to reduce deficits over the weeks and months ahead.

"Look, I need to say I believe a whole host of ridiculous things to get the Republican nomination," said Romney. "Have you seen my base? They are further out there than that Branson guy’s new space station. Oh, but can you translate that into Pig Latin before posting?  Thanks."

In related news, the Foxeteers claim to be close to breaking the Pig Latin code.

Taos, NM—Creationists and other fundamental Christian types are getting the last laugh today as the Archeological Institute of America has announced the Earth’s fossil record is one colossal hoax.  Last week a discrete serial number was found on the femur of an Iguanodon that supposedly existed in the late Cretaceous period.  The ‘so called’ monster is currently housed at New York’s Museum of Natural History.   Similar numbers are now being discovered on all of the bones of every species before 6000 years ago.  This hoax spreads to all fossils in museums and personal collections throughout the globe.

"Once we knew where to look, we found them everywhere," said Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Creamery.  "A great many people spent their lifetime painstakingly unearthing such specimens.  It’s an outrage!"

On a good note there is some cause to celebrate.  This is proof a more Biblical view of geological time is accurate and that Darwin remains history’s biggest glue-sniffing monkey-humper to date.

"Evolution is dead," said Phillip Johnson, evolution denier and closet cross dresser.  "It was obvious to us creationists. How can you not look around the world today and think ‘these people are evolving?’ It’s preposterous."

Johnson went on to site Snookie, Snoop Dogg, and Snoopy the Dog. 

"This may have been more than one hoaxter," said Dr. Hogbein.  "This was possibly a massive undertaking coordinated by a large group of very silly people. Obviously a race with an outrageous amount of free time on their hands as well.  How they buried some specimens in solid rock all over the planet is amazing."

For their accomplishment they deserve our praise as well as our scorn.

Flagstaff, AZ—Discord reporter, Cokie McGrath, barely escaped the Occupy Flagstaff rally on Saturday after several of her incendiary remarks left protestors angered. Having camped out at the Flagstaff City Council Building all afternoon, the protestors grew increasingly hostile and malodorous.

"Do you smell Patchouli? God, I hope that’s Patchouli," said McGrath through watery eyes and held nose. "The stench of these anti-political Patchouli-smelling peeps makes me want to puke…and the event only started a couple of hours ago."

McGrath waded into the unwashed masses and interviewed a man named Chris and his friend, V (the real V from Vendetta, not one of his helpers). Neither of them could agree on much, but they’re both furious with the man, whoever he is.

Protestors had a lot to say on the topic of reforming capitalism; their answers ranged from "scrap it" all the way to "what was Bret Michaels thinking by picking that last skanky ho-bag?"

Not a single protestor acknowledged the existence of the Daily Discord’s Occupy Wal*Mart movement. The Discord staff maintains this Occupy group pales in comparison to the Discord’s own universal galactic hostile takeover of Wal*Mart.

Normally the water canon is used to disperse angry mobs, but in this case Flagstaff officials used a lethal combination of ammonia and bleach to both kill and disinfect the crowd.

Finally, after several showers and an hour in her own personal fumigation chamber, McGrath added, "We don’t know why they came, we don’t know when they will leave, but I do know one thing: there’s not enough Febreze in northern Arizona to make this situation right."

Bunghole, TH—King Bumahole of Thailand is holding a Thai born American citizen, Joseph Gordon, on charges of criticizing the local royals. Do you know what we did, right here in the good ol' U.S of A, with our Royals? We banished them to Kansas friggin’ City!

Until this man is released, the Daily Discord is prepared to boycott all Thai restaurant menu items with a spicy index below two and above four. OK, this number changes a bit from Discord contributor to Discord contributor. But this is what we call solidarity. Actually, it’s about as solidaritous as we get around lunch time. Hey, a fake journalist has to eat too.

We would now like to spend the rest of this article making fun of King Bugger-something. Oh, and we have a message for our Commander and Chief, two words...predator drone. We don’t really mean that... It would be a waste of a perfectly good predator drone. Hey, did you know that where we’re from, 'to Bangcock' something is anatomically impossible? Maybe you should rename the place after yourself, Bumahole, or whatever the hell your name is. Oh, but seeing as you’re an asshole, a predator drone might just fit...with some proper lubrication. We’re kidding! No lubrication for this asshole. I’m going to Dara Thai right now and not ordering something too spicy, or not spicy enough in protest.

We have just heard the Discord’s Chief Thailand correspondent is missing, again.

Cottonwood, AZ—Upon discovering the sheer lack of Walmarts in Sedona, the Discord’s Mick Zano and Cokie McGrath drove the extra 35 miles to Cottonwood during their unprecedented attack on "the man" Sunday. The two lacktivists planned to stake out the snack bar area, until they were hit with their second setback—the sheer lack of snack bars in the Cottonwood Walmart.

"We’d like to apologize to all the people who went to Sedona Sunday looking for the nonexistent snack bar in the nonexistent Walmart," said Mick Zano. "Who knew Sedona was completely devoid of marts, K, Wal, or otherwise? It was an honest mistake made by honest reporters."

"He’s lying," said Discord reporter Cokie McGrath. "In retrospect, I don’t recommend spending this much time with Zano when he’s not drinking, but I did manage to keep him from defecating on a plastic police car in the toy aisle."

The pair succeeded in bringing business at the bustling Super Center to a screeching halt for a nearly six hour period...or at least business near and around this bench.

McGrath believes this event is only the beginning. "We could have carried on for another two or three more hours, but the bench area actually has different hours than the rest of the store, or at least that’s what they told us during our ejection."

"If this protest continues to double every day, eventually there will be more protestors than people on the planet. That’s a statistical fact," said Zano, who believes the protest could have been an even more effective demonstration, "If I didn’t always spend my weekends hanging around this same bench for long periods of time."

Springfield,??—The animated series The Simpsons is battling significant budget cuts this season.

When told about the need for some serious belt tightening, Homer Simpson of Springfield said, "That’s physically impossible."

His neighbor, Barney Gumble, is said to be drinking heavily again after finding out he’s among those cut.

"I only have three words on my resume: I can belch," said Gumble, who questions if he is employable in this economy or if he even spelled belch correctly.

Marge Simpson will only have one sister next season, Selma.

"Patty was the obvious scratch," said Simpson creator Matt Groening. "Dr. Nick is being charged with the overdose of actor Troy McClure, so they’re both gone. You may know McClure from such westerns as The Good, the Bad and the Dickish and For a Few Dollar Whore. We are also cutting Duff Man, Mole Man, Bumble Bee Man, and anyone else whose name ends in ‘man’."

Side Show Mel was also among those cut.

"I knew when they said one of the Side Shows had to go that I was screwed," said Mel. "Do you know what it's like to be the side show of a side show? Of course you don't!"

The richest man in Springfield, C. Montgomery Burns, remains all but unaffected in his mansion overlooking town.

"Nonsense, I had to part with one of my flying monkeys," said Burns. "OK, it was already dead, but I don’t want to seem unsympathetic. Flying monkeys don’t grow on trees, you know, except in that one episode."

Las Vegas, NV—For the first time in many years, Juan Guerra of Henderson, NV is shelving his Elvis Presley impersonator outfit. Guerra, best known as skydiving Elvis #11 in the movie Honeymoon in Vegas (1992), said the transformation for him was a bittersweet one. Mr. Guerra has been donning the same white rhinestone-speckled suit for the better part of twenty years.

"Fremont Street will miss the old routine," said Guerra, "but Elvis has left the building."

As for the decision to change his act to an explorer and famous missing person, Amelia Earhart, Guerra said, "No one personifies Vegas quite like Earhart," said Guerra. "Now that bitch could gamble!"

Mr. Guerra was reluctant to talk about his short-lived attempt in the 90’s to become an Elvira impersonator.

"Doctors just didn’t have the technology to give me the necessary mammarage," said Guerra. "They also warned me if a silicone pouch that size ruptured, it could flood surrounding low lying areas."

New York, NY—The Occupy Wall Street protests turned ugly earlier today, as the E*Trade baby was jumped and pummeled on the corner of Wall and Nassau Street in the heart of New York’s financial district.  Protestors immediately recognized the commercial celebrity and then managed to separate him from his pre-k reunion before ruthlessly working him over.

NYPD was able to intervene, but not before the baby suffered numerous bruises and possible shaken baby syndrome.

"Yeah, well you should see the other guy," joked the baby to the press today. "I told the schmucks, I said, ‘hey, I’m toddling here!’"

On behalf of the City of New York, Mayor Bloomberg apologized for the incident, "This is not what the Big Apple is all about.  Well maybe…but not with diaper-clad toddlers!"

"I was just heading over to the Capital Grille with a colleague for the pureed beef carpaccio and these goons surround us," said the baby.  "I’m like, look, dipshits, I do my transactions back home with a full back load, if you follow.  E*Trade is all about, umm, E*Trading!  I tell ya, these dumb hippies need to get their movement straight."

Point Pleasant, WV—The creature that terrorized a small West Virginia town in the late sixties was pronounced dead this morning by local entomologists.  Apparently, this legendary winged monster finally met its match after flying repeatedly into a porch light in front a residence on Jones Street.  Authorities say Mothman did not die on that porch, but managed to flap over to his west side apartment, where he posted his farewells on Facebook and Twitter.

Mman7 Moth Man I’m like, OUCH, don’t do that again, OUCH, don’t do that again, OUCH!! BWTF!!! 6 seconds ago

Mothman’s last Facebook session involved ‘unfriending’ Bigfoot and then telling his Facebook fans, "I only regret not being able to scare the shit out of and/or maul the lot of you!" 

He also blamed the lack of recent Mothman sightings on misidentifications.

"People always think I’m the Jersey Devil, or Batman, or something.  ‘Hey look, Batman.’  Hell-oo!  This isn’t Jersey and it certainly aint Gotham-friggin’-City, lady!  I’m a moth!  I’ve even tried stalking that Monster Quest team for months, but those morons couldn’t even find a Megaladon if it swam up and bit em’ on the ass."

Mothra and the surviving members of the band, Iron Butterfly, attended the funeral, but left shortly after the Lochness Monster arrived, quite intoxicated.

"It kept saying the same joke all night," said Mothra.  "Take my wife, plesiosaur.  What does that even mean?"

Washington, DC—President Barack Obama announced his proposal to essentially freeze-dry the entire continental United States from sunny Miami to rainy Seattle. This harsh, potentially dangerous, process will be undertaken in the hopes future economists will gain the tools and knowledge necessary to once again create American jobs.

"This isn’t about blame anymore," said Obama. "It’s about fighting the hiring freeze with a bigger freeze.  Farmers will be compensated for any crops destroyed by freezer-burn and my Cash for Carsicles program will offer government aid to any cars irreparably damaged during the process."

Republican opposition came quickly.

"This is just an attempt to extend his presidency indefinitely," said radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh. "Look, the day we defrost as a nation, if this president had the courage and wisdom to step aside, he would have Republican support."

The White House used a power point presentation complete with images of Han Solo being frozen in carbonite, as well as an enthusiastic endorsement from the Snow Miser, of The Year without a Santa Claus fame.

Obama concluded the presentation by adding, "Just think of it; we could choose not to thaw Biden’s mouth, not to mention parts of Newark."

Winnipeg, MB—The start of training camp for the newly relocated Winnipeg Jets met with tragedy last weekend.  The team had just moved to the great white north from Atlanta, GA for the beginning of the 2011-2012 season. Only minutes after the start of their first formal practice, the entire team froze to death right in the arena. Apparently the players could not adjust to the sudden change from Warm Oceanic (Cfa) to a more Temperate Continental (Dfa) climate.

"We should have known better," stated Jim Ludlow, CEO of True North Sports and Entertainment, owner of the Winnipeg Jets. "When the last team moved from Winnipeg to Phoenix, the team never made it off the tarmac.  The entire team spontaneously combusted right there at Sky Harbor Airport. The folks down in Phoenix had to have a barbeque fundraiser to put together a new team.  Luckily, they had plenty of cooked meat on-hand.  The Koho Coyote skewer was a real crowd pleaser."

Prior to the move to Winnipeg there was talk of originally moving the team to Kansas City. In hindsight that would probably have been a more prudent move.

When asked what the path forward was for the Winnipeg Jets, Mr. Ludlow replied, "I guess we’ll have an ice-cream social."

Berlin, DE—The Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel, has decided to pull out her oversized purse one more time to save Europe.  However, she did warn European leaders today there will be stipulations.  First, she is insisting the country of Greece undergo a drug test within 24 hours.  If any illicit substances show up in the country’s system, she will not help until it "seeks professional help."

Merkel is also insisting Portugal "pull in their nets and open a proper factory already."

Merkel reminded Portugal that it’s 2011, not 1011.  She then encouraged the country to "Febreze itself immediately and put on a tie."

Merkel also reports a growing resentment toward the Brits. "Even if they were to join the EU tomorrow, I wouldn’t lift a finger to help them.  Not until England successfully completes an anger management program, facilitated by a licensed professional."

She then called them schwankers and made an obscene gesture known only to German Chancellors.   

Topeka, KS—Congressman Stanley Farrell (R) was reportedly very angry with allegations that the Tea Party played a key role in the stock market’s recent turbulence.  People who knew him, described him as prone to political fits and tirades.  He often barked about wanting a smaller government and lower taxes.

"He’s been just furious with President Obama’s liberal agenda," said his wife Megan.  "Last week he got much worse.  He was frothing at the mouth and chasing cars around that have progressive bumper stickers."

ASPCA workers claim he was angry, and it was hard to make sense of his anger.

"He left us no choice," said Rin Tim Tim of the ASPCA.  "We did not have any clue he was a Congressman at the time of the lethal injection…or even a human for that matter." 

The ASPCA President told Discord reporters he has no remorse.

"Look, if another furry politician comes into one of our locations and starts biting people and accusing them of being socialist-illegals, we’re going to do the same damn thing." 

Abbottabad, PK—More and more information is surfacing about the last days of Osama Bin Laden’s life.  His second wife, who wished to remain faceless, said, "Pot was finally starting to mellow him out. He talked less about terror plots and more about the lack of any nearby convenience stores in Abbottabad.  ‘Convenience stores are supposed to be convenient,’ he would say.  Then he would laugh at jokes like that for hours."

As he began smoking absurd amounts of marijuana, he all but stopped his Facebook Meetup terror groups.  According to many, he was shifting his future goals away from Jihad toward opening a hemp stand somewhere.

"He didn’t want to kill anymore," said another wife.  "In fact, he was starting to quote John Lennon songs a lot and wanted to run off to meet that Beatles Yogi guy."

"He started running around with a new group of friends," said still another wife.  "The beatings all but stopped and no more ‘human shield’ duty on weekends.  It was nice.  He still enforced Sharia Law, but only when he managed to stop giggling."

U.S. Navy Seals are supporting these claims.  They confirm large amounts of marijuana were growing in Bin Laden’s compound and, during Operation Geronimo, he was found half baked and watching a Baywatch Marathon. 

Miami, FL—One J.J. Evans of Hallandale stated he was "in the can" when the announcement came reminding patrons to please turn down all cell phones during the film.  Thirty-seven minutes later, just as one of the Spy Kids was about to do something truly amazing, Mr. Evans’ Samsung started blaring Snoop Dogg’s ringtone rendition of Nuttin but a "G" Thang. 

"It was my girlfriend," claimed Mr. Evans.  "She was just reminding me to unfriend my wife on Facebook."

Audience members believe Mr. Evans had plenty of time to correct his mistake but chose not to.  "It wouldn’t have been so bad if he had gone with Death to Weezy or something from Doggystyle," said one movie goer and Snoop fan.  "That would have bought the moron at least a few more seconds."

Since the incident, Mr. Evans is still suffering from PTCSD (Post Theatric Concession Stand Disorder).  After barely surviving the movie treat onslaught, Evans is still suffering from what he describes as headaches, humiliation fatigue, and a greasy unwashable stickiness. He can’t even smell buttery popcorn now without retching uncontrollably.  Evans described the assault as being reminiscent of "a bad mother fucking day at Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory." 

Mr. Evans is planning to file a lawsuit against Regal Theaters as well as "that little bitch with the Jujubes."

Waterloo, IA—Using the Neconicon, an ancient conservative grimorie, four brave progressives coaxed Congresswoman, Michele Bachmann, back into the hellish alternate Universe from whence she came. 

"It’s truly over," said Dr. Sterling Hogbein of the Hogbein Institute and Sauna.   "One of the key demonic forces in politics is gone forever."

Eyewitnesses claim Bachmann was lured to a pre-designated location by setting up a mock LBGTQ Facebook Meetup group in her hometown of Waterloo, Iowa. 

"With the elections closing in, Iowa was the obvious choice," said the lead political exorcist, a man who wishes to remain anonymous.  "Her hometown made it perfect.  We picked a remote location on the outskirts of town, announced it on Facebook, and prepared the area using passages from the Neoconicon.  Flamboyant decoys were then placed around a table located directly over the portal."

After she took the bait, no injuries were reported.  However, a pink Versace shirt and several matching accessories were irreparably damaged.  The Elton John impersonator also reports suffering an "awful fright."

The unnamed spokesperson denies Sarah Palin will be a target of any future black magic ops, "No, no, Bachmann was the only genuine succubus in politics, Palin is more of a Foxgoblin."  

The 427 individuals who now own the majority of the wealth in the United States are enslaving everyone else for the purpose of creating their extravagant burial chambers.   According to the Hopi, the Mayan, and that bald guy from Ghost Hunters, the need for large megalithic structures have occurred cyclically throughout history.  And those stars are aligned once again, signifying the onset of the granddaddy of all pyramid schemes.

Those jobs are finally here!  All you need to do is put on the harness—already en-route to your home—and then report to your designated quarry.  These are shovel-ready jobs, minus the shovel.  Due to the inherent dangers and mortality rates, there will be no workman’s compensation plans.  Oh, and if you mention the word "union" you will become a permanent fixture, so to speak.  Don’t worry Conservative types, this is just what our forepharaohs envisioned.  These are American jobs designed for real Americans. 

Dr. Sterling Hogbein of the Hogbein Institute and Sauna has addressed some of the skeptics.

"Think of it as a countrywide megalithic Jenga game. Look, the Egyptians built these things in a very arid region, thousands of years ago, under much harsher conditions."

Although, Dr. Hogbein does admit the Koch Brother’s decision to build in the Everglades "should prove interesting."

These mandatory opportunities will not only create jobs, but they will lower instances of obesity, diabetes, and heart disease across our great nation…at least for the survivors.  

London, GB—London Police would like to send a stern message to the rioters currently assailing their fair city.  This message is packed with sharp criticism, harsh tones, and less than subtle innuendo.    

Chief Constable Barry Higgins had this to say, "We are not only prepared to say our traditional ‘stop or we’ll say stop again’ number, but we are prepared to say stop as many times as it takes!"

The constable actually said this somewhat congenially during our interview, but insisted we add the exclamation point.  

When asked about authorizing the use of plastic bullets, Constable Higgins said, "No, but we are prepared to use bouts of sarcasm.  A focused stream of satirical quips will sting far worse than any plastic, non-biodegradable, bullets any day."

Constable Higgins has not ruled out the use of puns but only in "extreme situations" and, as for double entendres, Higgins fears they will, "Go over the head of this lot."  He therefore recommends a more mocking rancor designed to strike a devastating sarcastic blow to the heart of such common rabble.

Higgins feels the English bobby has a reputation to uphold, and that it’s "time to take a bite out of crime." He then added, "But not literally, of course."

Ernie and Bert of Sesame Street fame are speaking out against "The Street’s" decision to define the roommates as "just friends without benefits." 

"It was an executive decision that we were not a part of," said Bert.  "And if Henson hadn’t decided to use ping pong balls for every god damn appendage, we’d never leave the bedroom!"

Despite clearly wanting some say in the decision, the couple denies rumors they were forced to attend Conversion Therapy sessions.  "They alluded to it," said Bert.  "PBS told us about their Flaming Muppet Assistance Program and then handed us a business card from Michele Bachmann’s husband.  We got the hint."

Ernie, on the other hand, remains indecisive about marriage.

"Bert is kind of a manipulative jerk," said Ernie.  "Although he’s never gotten violent, I have had to call Muppet Protective services on several occasions for what I consider to be blatant psychological abuse."

Ernie then rattled off several episode plots as examples. 

"At least we still have imminent domain rights," said Bert, who explained how he has been eyeing Ernie’s rubber ducky "for a good many years."

The rubber ducky was unavailable for comment.