Sarcastically Salving Society
Home of the Transcosmetic Party
A Place for Raging Moderates, Tragic Optimists, and Integral Outcasts
July 24, 2014
THE NEXT PERSON WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT AQUAMAN UNDEROOS ARE, I'M JUST GOING TO PUNCH • NRA PLANNING "SOMETHING SPECIAL" FOR UPCOMING 75TH SCHOOL SHOOTING SINCE COLUMBINE • OIL TANKER EXPLODES OFF COAST OF JAPAN: NO GIANT MONSTERS CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY • TED CRUZ WINS REPUBLICAN STRAW POLL? THAT’S THE LAST STRAW POLL...YOU BROKE IT. • CLOSE GUANTONOMO: FIVE DOWN, 149 TO GO... I ADMIT THIS POSITION WON'T BE HORRIBLY POPULAR WITH HORRIBLE PEOPLE • IRONY ALERT: ICE FLOES DISAPPEARING FAST, REPUBLICAN THOUGHT GLACIALLY SLOW • OBAMA ASKS THE FIVE RELEASED TALIBAN PRISONERS TO "KINDLY RETURN TO GUANTANOMO" •
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Dick Cheyney: In My Pants
Presidential All Seeing Eye

Kiester Island

Khamenei Rork and Tattoo Ahmadinejad

Bill Clinton and his Asian Harem

Obama squares of with Gandalf the Gray over Health Care

Tactics to Draw Out Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan Questioned, Danish Mohammed cartoons for sale

Second Inconvenient Truth Linked to Al Gore’s Cross-Dressing

Moe-hammad
The Hand of God
Mizpah Hotel in Tonopah: Ghost Adventures V Ghost Blunders
By Mick Zano
Mizpah Hotel in Tonopah: Ghost Adventures V Ghost Blunders
Mick Zano

This time the Discord’s Search Truth Quest team batted cleanup for those Ghost Adventure goons. Apparently they missed more evidence during their investigation than the Keystone Cops on shrooms. I’m sick of cleaning up after your messes, Zack! The Case of the Mizpah Hotel would challenge both my understanding of the para-abnormal as well as my understanding of valet parking. Click on Full Story for some of our ghostly evidence and cool video!

Yes, It’s All Part of a Vast Left Wing Conspiracy, Called Thinking
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Arguing with you is fun, Pokey, but occasionally has a banging-your-head-against-the-wall feel to it. We find ourselves in two different camps these days. I used to think I was slightly left and you were slightly right so our arguments were hashing out some important middle ground. Alas, today it seems like there is a universe between us. Bridging that widening gap is possible, we just need to find a way to...oh, wait, I’m being told Congress has blocked funding for any Gaps or any bridges...uh, yeah, we’re screwed.

Read Between the Lies
By Pokey McDooris
Pokey McDooris

All right Zano, it’s been a while since I responded to your political musings, but it’s taken me nearly a week to get that last bad post of yours out of my mouth. Thank you, Tums! So if the government uses tax money to engage in activities that conflict with a tax payer’s conscience, they should be legally compelled to give birth control to employees? ...or bake cakes for gay weddings? ...or purchase health insurance? Really? And to make matters worse, all these things happened last weekend at your hacienda of hedonism! I’m sure my lack of an invitation was an oversight on your part. But I see you invited my sister, dick.

The Iraq War and the Edge of Harshness
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The following rant was initially submitted to the Arizona Daily Sun by Dr. Kwela Juluka. It was rejected for its edgy harshness and, perhaps, because it was caked in a mysterious layer of white power. So he sent it our way because he knows this rag fosters such bouts of edgy harshness...and he also knows we snort anything. I have since asked Dr. J to consider becoming a regular contributor here at The Discord, as this remains one of the best places to foment such edgy harshness as to allow such rants to eventually encompass all the remaining synonyms for harsh and edgy....uh, hedgy?

Obama: the Worst President Never
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Have you heard about this Quinnipiac poll? Thirty three percent of those polled claim Obama is the worst president in history. It’s damning, unless you have a basic understanding of today’s society. Everyone is ignoring the irre-elephant in the room. The numbers are entirely predictable. Nearly 40% of our country are Foxeteers and they keep polling themselves to remind us of how strongly and wrongly they all agree. But where is the other 7%? Should we send out a search party? Should I turn on the Batshit signal again?

Gays Forcing Nationwide Califabulous
Gays Forcing Nationwide Califabulous

U.S.A.—America is under siege and not in a Steven Siegel, action-packed kind of way. Nineteen states—five more than the original 13-colonies, six more if you know math—have now opted to support marriage equality. Many among the Rainbow Jihad (RJ) are terrorizing Tea Party Facebook Meetup groups across this great nation. They are harassing real Americans with signs like: Don’t Tread on Moi and You Do Know what Teabagging Means, Right?

Emboldened by their recent state-by-state marriage equality victories (MEV), the Dyke Dominion, the Fabulous Fashion Fighters, the Trans-Gender-Formers have declared their desire to create a new gay nation that will one day stretch all the way down Route-69 from Greenwich Village to Haight-Ashbury.

"This is all part of our Tranifest Destiny," said one protestor, holding a sign that read, Pink is the New Red State. When asked what he thought was the impetus behind this movement, he said, "You’re thinking of republicans, we’re not impetus."

Another protestor said, "The anonymous leader of our movement, the CaliFab or something, is divinely chosen by The Queen, Elton John, who will rally the lost Gay Villages of Boystown to smite the social oppressor and yada yada...there had just better be fucking drink specials, is all I’m saying."

Our own field reporter on the scene, Cokie McGrath, had this to say, "She’s kind of cute."

Breaking Vlad?
By Mick Zano
Breaking Vlad?
Mick Zano

Here we go again. Everything the republicans predicted about Russian tanks in the Ukraine...uh, tanked. Is the Russian Bear on the Prowl? Is a New Cold War Inevitable? Is Obama’s Weakness to Blame? One easy trick to being a wonk these days is to just stick the word NO after each and every Fox or Drudge headline. It’s kind of a trade secret, so shhh. Shock poll: Foxeteers still shocked by this fact. Predictably, Putin never took another step after his Crimean Vacation. To cut to the Chevy Chase, Angela Merkel just spanked him so he’s now sending eCards to Obama. Aren’t you glad you rely on a spoof news site for your actual news? Discord has exclusive info on this world leader teleconference. Hit full story.

Breaking: Alex Bone Has an Alien Chest-Buster Living Inside Him
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—This week, quiet unexpectedly, Alex Bone called for a press conference at the Discord Tower and almost four people showed up, well, if you count Ballz and Zano. Once they had settled into Mr. Winslow’s bean bag bunny chairs, Boneman cleared his throat and addressed the historic assemblage:

Apology VXIC: Yes, We Can No Longer Count This High in Roman Numerals
Apology VXIC: Yes, We Can No Longer Count this High in Roman Numerals

Philadelphia, PA—Since the inception of The Daily Discord our apology posts have managed to stay behind the number of total Super Bowls, thus our ability to figure out the applicable Roman numerals. Today, however, we find ourselves sadly heading into unchartered mathematical waters (UMW). I don’t even know what the C means in Roman numerals, but here we are. Time and time again our problems start and end with Mr. Mick Zano and his endless journalistic transgressions. His barrage of lawsuit-magnet yuck yucks arrive in each of his submissions like clockwork. If only his submissions themselves could arrive with such consistency and timeliness.

It is getting so bad that I sometimes even think back fondly to the days of The Ghetto Shaman. Speaking of the devil, when he is released from the Lycoming County Prison, he plans to resume his weekly column. Oh, and in related news, the Shaman’s legendary self-help book The Tao of Skullfucking is already outperforming Hillary Clinton’s autobiography Hard Choices. Okay, so neither are actually selling on Amazon, but that does kind of make them equal.

Anyway, onward with the unfortunate retractions at hand...

GM Claims Fiery Crash New Feature Not Design Flaw
GM Claims Fiery Crash New Feature Not Design Flaw

Detroit, MI—General Motors is back in the news today after a defect caused dozens of their automobiles to burst into flames last week. Still reeling from their recent round of recalls, GM is refusing to recall these models, because they are claiming the fiery blasts are "epic" and "cool".

The new CEO of GM, Mary Barra, is claiming the explosions are, "Pretty spectacular. Our cars’ ability to burst into a ball of fire is simply a special feature included with these models to spice things up a bit. Some people would pay extra for such an impressive pyrotechnic display. We feel such an ability should come standard in all of our vehicles. The Cobalt is now the Cobolt. One day you’ll find out why, and the Chevy Volt is now simply more aptly named. Try driving one of our new Kevorkian series cars. It will leave you breathless. No really, the muffler fumes are somehow funneled back into the cab."

Guided by Voices: Crescent Ballroom, Phoenix 6/15/14
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

There isn't much happening in this whitebread shitkicker state that makes me want to leave my comfortable womb up here in Cowtown. Guided By Voices playing in Phoenix on a Sunday night did the trick.

Mount Rushmore: What Went Right and Wrong
By Pete Christensen
Mount Rushmore: What went Right and Wrong
Pete Christensen

Mount Rushmore was built on The Six Grandfathers Mountain of South Dakota on land stolen from the Lakota Sioux in the war of 1876 to 1877. The name was changed to "Rushmore" to honor a wealthy East Coast banker by Carrie Swancey, the sister of Laura Ingalls Wilder, who later went on to name Washington’s professional football team. Okay, strike that last part...

Oil Tanker Sinks Off Coast of Japan: No Monsters Take Responsibility
By Mick Zano
Oil Tanker Sinks off Coast of Japan: No Monsters Take Responsibility

Tokyo, JP—Over a month has passed since the Shoko Maru, a nearly 1000 ton cargo tanker, sank under mysterious circumstances off the coast of Japan. To date, no monsters have claimed responsibility. The ship reportedly exploded before sinking into the ocean approximately 450-kilometers west of Tokyo. For U.S. readers that’s...I danno, we never really learned the metric system, but, according to our Chief Metric System Correspondent, it was fairly close to Godzilla’s usual stomping ground.

Many feel that if Godzilla caused this disaster he would have followed his traditional plotline directly into Tokyo Bay, where he—well, our field reporter Cokie McGrath said it best, "We all know Godzilla follows a set formula. He typically torches a pretty big ship out at sea, then he is spotted near shore, and then Tokyo goes all Elton John in West Hollywood."

Benghazi Is an Important Scandal: a Republican One
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Now that the mastermind behind the Benghazi attack is in custody and has allegedly cited the video as the main impetus...uh, who cares? As Hillary said, "Why does it matter?" This was extrapolated by Fox to mean, "Why does it matter four Americans died?" They did this because they lie. That’s not news; they lie every news cycle, but what’s always been interesting to me about this particular "scandal" is how little sense it makes, even by typical Fox News standards. Heh, heh...Fox News standards.

Sage-like Prophets Predict Iraqi Problems...in 2007
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Did you see the parade of war criminals surface all across the Fox Nation this week? You know, the ones who never got anything right about Iraq and should be in jail? They have more advice now that Iraq is descending into a civil war. Fox also started running endless 2007 republican Surge-justification-quotes (SJQ). Here’s the thing, saying Iraq will fall apart without U.S. support in 2007 is kind of like Churchill, instead of his famous 1940 speech, saying, "You know, I think Hitler’s up to something."

Give Them Exactly What They Deserve
By Pete Christensen
Pete Christensen

Despite the federal government asking for a moratorium on home foreclosures for the good of the national economy, recent figures paint a grim picture for the middle class. Please read this before you consider foreclosure! Oh, and please consider reading only this article as these guys are a little...well, you know.

Obama Condemns Own Drone Strike on 60s Band Procol Harum
Obama Condemns own Drone Strike on 60s Band Procol Harum

Providence, RI—The White House is back-peddling today after a military drone struck a popular club in Providence, Rhode Island leaving 78 people "really bummed." President Obama claims to have originally ordered the attack against the Muslim extremist group Boko Haram, a group responsible for the kidnapping of over two hundred Nigerian school children. Instead, because of what The White House is calling a "clerical error" the drone leveled a night club during a performance of the 60s rock band Procol Harum.

One survivor told The Discord, "Even if the band did take all of those Nigerian children, couldn’t Obama have at least waited until they played Whiter Shade of fucking Pale? I mean, what the hell else were we there to hear? Fucking government."

After the attack the club, ironically named The Drones Club, lay in ruins and any encore performances remain in serious question. Republicans believe a simple grammar check could have prevented this tragedy, or could have at least postponed the attack until after they played Whiter Shade of fucking Pale.

Loaded Gun Found in Toy Store Deemed Legal in Arizona
Loaded Gun Found in Toy Store Deemed Legal in Arizona

Myrtle Beach, SC—One of Target’s toy departments is currently under the gun, so to speak, after an employee found a loaded black handgun on top of a superhero toy-box. The worker told authorities, "We usually sell the bullets separately for safety reasons, you know, like batteries." Despite this strict toy safety policy, eight bullets were found in the nine millimeter weapon. Target has since decided they will not sell any more loaded guns to children. This decision has sparked outrage from many 2nd Amendment advocates, who are wondering, "How can a store named Target be working against us?"

During an NRA support rally in Phoenix, 12 dead and 38 injured, many came out to protest the department store’s unconstitutional stance. The state of Arizona is standing by their own gun laws, which only prohibit the sale of guns to liberals. The Grand Canyon State is currently being fitted with a number of cowboy signs that read, You Must Be This High Before Discharging a Weapon in Public. This height requirement, just under three-feet tall, has angered a group of Midget Men, who are out protecting our border every day from Mexico’s infamous el Enano dwarf cartel.

Why I Preferred the GOP When They Were Bombing the Wrong Country
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Yes, this is my foreign policy for Demmies. Whatever the hell the Obama Doctrine is, can we keep it? ...or at least rent to own? If there is anyone who wants to retry the Bush Doctrine in 2016, how about we book you a Fallujah special? It’s sort of a Motel-6 after the blast. Most rooms come with a fire—not a fireplace, just a fire. We’ll leave the fight on for ya’.

Deceased Mime Appointed White House Press Secretary
Deceased Mime Appointed White House Press Secretary

Washington—President Barack Obama announced today the late great actor and performer Marcel Marceau would be replacing Jay Carney as Press Secretary. Obama claims the decision was "an easy one" and he then explained how the idea came to him while wasting millions of tax payer’s dollars during a recent trip to France.

This announcement sparked a wave of expected outrage from republicans, who hate the French. When asked about the logistics of hiring a deceased mime, Obama said, "It can be one of his helpers. Marceau is like Santa Claus in France, so we’ll just get one of his oompa loompas or something."

The White House issued a retraction shortly after this statement and henceforth Marceau’s helpers were referred to as Marceaupials.

The White House believes the flow of information will continue much as it has before, but the President did make some suggestions to help with the new format, "The press might want to limit their questions to ones that can be answered by either: man climbing rope, man walking against wind or man trapped in box. Just sayin’."

Ten Children Vanish During Jackson Cirque Du Soleil Performance
Ten Children Vanish During Jackson Cirque du Soleil Performance

Ten children are confirmed missing and presumed in Neverland after the last performance of Michael Jackson’s ONE performed at Vegas’s popular Mandalay Bay Casino. Cirque du Soleil, which is French for leave your family and join the Parisian circus, claims no one in their troupe is responsible for the disappearances. The director of the show, Renée Claude Ménard, had both French accents added to his name just prior to the Discord interview "for effect". He is encouraging people to "keep buying tickets" and went on to say "Michael Jackson’s ONE is a sonic, tonic fusion of acrobatics, midgets, and dance and...did I mention midgets?"

At a press conference earlier today, Nevada Senator Harry Reid was on the defensive, "Look, we lost way more children during Criss Angel’s Believe and no one made a big deal about that. And we found most of those kids sawed in half. Fucking magicians. Look, if you combine Michael Jackson and a bunch of high-end carnies, you’ve gotta expect this shit. This is Vegas not fucking Mayberry."

Harry Reid didn’t actually curse. We added the colorful metaphors for reader enjoyability, which Reid responded by saying, "Would you assholes please give it a fucking rest already!"

He really said that part.

The GOP: You’re All Glenn Beck Now
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Whereas the list of Obama created scandals are exaggerated or biased (see: Benghazi), the list of atrocities perpetrated by republicans remain profoundly disturbing (see: climate change denial). It’s profound enough for me to use an adverb, against my better judgment. Most posts go against my better judgment...fine, I don’t have a better judgment. But do you remember when only Glenn Beck was crazy and the rest of the GOP had some sense of perspective and reason? Yeah, me neither.

Russian Rocket Falls Back to Earth Onto Putin Rival
Russian Rocket Falls Back to Earth onto Putin Rival

Moscow—Vladimir Putin expressed his deep sympathy today for the death of Alexi Yankovich and his dog Oyobuk. Yankovich, an activist and harsh critic of the Putin Administration, was walking his cocker sputnik near his home when a Russian ‘space program’ rocket landed on his head and tragically exploded (the rocket, not the dog).

Yankovich, an outspoken critic from the Volga Federal District, was obliterated during his morning jog, which he reportedly does in the same park at the same time each morning—a fact Russian intelligence officials insist "who knew?" and then followed that statement up with, "Although, he did start his jog five minutes later than usual this morning, or so someone said."

Putin claims the ill-fated rocket was filled with supplies for the international space station, as well as some flowers and throw pillows designed to "brighten up the place."

Wanna’ Fix This Country? Prescribe Low-T for the Dems and Ginkoba for the GOP
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Forgive me, if I don’t want to relive this schitznik, Pokey. This is like reaching over on Ground Hog day to shutoff I Got You Babe on my clock radio. What is wrong with you people? Oh yeah, you outsourced thinking to the Koch Brothers. Good luck with that. What I will do is offer some cliff notes as well as some exciting new insights in the form of sarcastic cartoons. You know, the usual.

Total (Over) Lording Deniers
By Pokey McDooris
Pokey McDooris

The evidence is conclusive. All of today’s best minds have reached a consensus that the current administration is demonstrating totalitarian tendencies that clearly violate its constitutional limitations. If these totalitarian tendencies are not addressed, we are in jeopardy of experiencing rising lies, increased tumultuous social storms, and global warring that threatens to destroy our republic. Dogs and cats, living together, mass hysteria.

Bigfoot Subpoenaed to Testify on Benghazi
Bigfoot Subpoenaed to Testify on Benghazi

Washington—Acting on orders from Rep. Darrell Issa (R-Calif.), Bigfoot was dragged out of his cave, deep within the forests of the American Northwest, and placed in front of an Issa-created congressional subcommittee (ICCS). Bigfoot was then subjected to over three hours of grueling questioning about his involvement in the 2012 embassy attack in Benghazi. Bigfoot grunted and growled his objections before finally being brought down by several tranquilizer darts.

Congressman Issa stands by his decision to subpoena the 650 pound cryptid, whose answers shed no further light on the events in Libya of September 11, 2012.

Issa told critics, "To the best of my knowledge Bigfoot was never questioned about Benghazi before this hearing."

Others question Issa’s knowledge, best or otherwise, and claim this is nothing more than a witch hunt.

"Nonsense, this is not a witch hunt," said Issa. "We’re doing that next week when we haul that White bitch from Narnia into court."

Bike Rider’s Blues: Schwinning!
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Route 66.6, AZ—These days I bike almost everywhere I go and my laptop always comes with me, even if my bicycle tires are pumped full of thorns or the weather’s so bad the mailmen stayed home. I’m talking about the place where my insult-resistant rubber hits the road. I have only lost one laptop during my backpack travels. But please don’t mention "The salad dressing incident"—it still gives me P.T.S.D.D. (Post Traumatic Salad Dressing Disorder).

R.V. Krugan Adds Painting to "Thrown Shoe" Collection
By Mick Zano
R.V. Krugan Adds Painting to "Thrown Shoe" Collection
Mick Zano

Paris, FR—Renaldo Vincent Krugan unveiled his Heellary Cringing at the Louvre today. The work will now complete his coveted Thrown Shoe collection, which already includes his celebrated Der Fliegende Schuhe and the Bush era masterpiece Universoul Judgment.

Krugan, best known for his abstract scrap metal rendition of At the Water Hole with the Greaseweasels, will help him regain the respect of the art community. Although Greaseweasels propelled him onto the world stage, it was also the leading cause of tetanus at the Art Institute of Chicago, until, upon Krugan’s request it was lowered into a vat of gelatin. Some believe his pointillism technique matched the skill of George Seurat, though their perspectives differ. Whereas Seurat recommended standing back 12-15 feet to enjoy his Sunday afternoon on the Island of Le Grande Jatte, Krugan suggested viewing all of his work at the British museum from the nearby Tate Gallery—incidentally, so did his critics.

In recent years, Krugan began painting a variety of objects with his tongue in a style he calls Lick Nouveau. This genre includes such works as Light Socket 911 and Metal Pole in Winter (see 911). Although, Krugan’s critics attest the latter is more reminiscent of post-impressionism, many feel—(cough) I’m being told to stop.

Declare War Not Bankruptcy
By Pete Christensen
Pete Christensen

Since America’s inception, bankers, businessmen, and other criminals have preyed upon the middle class as well as the uninformed, while lining their already bulging pockets. I don’t advise anyone to climb into the same sewer these scumbags inhabit—no, I’m not talking about Discord headquarters—but there’s no reason you shouldn’t be educated enough to fight back. Don’t declare bankruptcy before reading this post!

Dear Fox News: Your Obamacare Lies Are Working!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

So the alternate reality on the right is poised to win a huge victory in the midterms. All the battleground states for the senate race happen to be in those few areas where Obamacare isn’t working. Sooooo, break systems, cost lives, create your own reality and get rewarded! ...not so fast. Let’s not forget the GOP is tearing itself apart. It hasn’t had a common message that made sense since Just Say No...wait, I’m being told that didn’t make sense.

Atheism: It’s What’s for Last Supper
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

So how does a guy deeply interested in spirituality end up championing the coming Age of Atheism? Oh, it’s easy, especially when you’re a spoof news "journalist". But, before we get started, excuse me while a sacrifice this goat on this pentagram. Pokey, you are that goat.

Atheism Is Dead: Don’t Believe the Unbelievers
By Pokey McDooris
Pokey McDooris

Pinning down your logical fallacies, Zano, is like playing Whack-a-Mole with a Q-tip, on acid, while surfin’ the web on an outdated Blackberry, while trying to sign up for Obamacare—early on in the enrollment period—and throw in some more acid...but worse.

Toast, It’s What’s for Climate
By Mick Zano
Lady Liberty Global Warming
Mick Zano

Two factions are duking it out, warmers and climate deniers. Obviously I hope climate deniers will be proven right, but have you seen their record? They haven’t added anything relevant to the public discourse since their messiah was wrangling dinosaurs. Blessed are the plesiosaurs?

Putin Is Not Playing Chess, Crimea Is More of a Fisher-Price Thing
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

So Stalin’s plans for Russia are finally coming to fruition? The place John McCain just left saying is a gas station masquerading as a country? That Russia? The not playing with a full set of Olympic rings Russia? Wow, Pokey, that’s more of a stretch than my latest ghost/ectopilsner theory.

Crying in the Grocery Store Coffee Shop
By Pokey McDooris
Pokey McDooris

Ah, how I’ve missed Mick Zano’s overreaching, unfocused, condescending, and logical-less debates. From marijuana legalization to global warming to George Bush tyranny to GOP numbskulls, Zano pulled no punches to "dismantle my arguments." Now, what were my arguments again? Since I never mentioned marijuana or global warming or George Bush or the GOP, let’s hope he posted his last article from Colorado, otherwise I’m afraid you’re going to have to pee into this cup.

The Manchurian Gutter Ball
By Pokey McDooris

Remember when President Obama chose to appease Vladimir Putin by not building a missile defense system in Eastern Europe? Remember the lead up to 2008 Presidential election when Barack Obama went to a bowling alley in Pennsylvania to prove that he could relate to Joe 6-pack...and he bowled a 77?

Venn Will They Listen? a Batshit Venn Diagram Takedown of the GOP
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

A reader thought my last CPAC Run article was "fact-light". I know, I know...you’ve come to expect more from your spoof news journalists these days. So to set the record straight I created some fun Venn diagrams to help explain why the right has lost its battle with reality. The GOP leaves behind 45 senators, 233 congressman and dozens of certifiable AM radio hosts.

Your Pets Don't Love You
By Tony Ballz
Your Pets Don't Love You
Tony Ballz

Many years ago, I had a huge black and white cat named Tux who stuck with me through some lean times. He was the first of several felines that I successfully trained to do their business outside instead of in a litterbox. He was a good cat.

How Obama Earned His 41% Approval Rating, or at Least Is Renting to Own
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Whereas I do criticize our 44th President, the ideologically-challenged always seem to boggart such endeavors, i.e., Obama really blew it on...wait, did Boehner just say "We’ve done our work"? Or, I’m angry with Holder because...did Paul Ryan just say "I’m not preaching austerity"? For this post I will set aside my own biases as to remain focused on—OMG! Krystol just said "Obama is dangerous and delusional!" Mr. Never-ever-right? Really?

Why Didn’t They Handout Aluminum Foil Hats at CPAC? an Oversight?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

It seems impossible to keep republicans from invading the wrong country when they’re in power, or derailing peace talks when they’re not. The resulting damage is becoming insurmountable. Republicans also continue to hinder our economic recovery in the name of freedom. I know that doesn’t make any sense. That’s my point.

CPAC Run!
By Mick Zano
CPAC Run!
Mick Zano

Welcome back, Pokey, to the important civil discourse happening here at The Daily Discord, you horrible little troll of a man. Let me guess, you only have access to cable news and AM radio—strike that, just AM radio. Nevertheless, I’m cheering the return of the Discord's prodigal chum, but now to dismantle your arguments faster than a Daihatsu at a chop shop.

I Didn’t Leave the Discord, the Discord Left Me: Oh, and I Didn’t Have Email
By Pokey McDooris

As it turns out email is more than a passing fad. Anyway, so I step away from this project for a moment and everything turns to hell. Speaking of hell, I called up Pope Francis and he assured me that hell does indeed exist; it's a real place, and it's very painful—even more painful than reading The Daily Discord.

The Captain and Tennille Split Up: Millions Rejoice
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

Prescott, AZ—1970’s pop stars The Captain and Tennille have called it quits. On January 23, 2014, keyboardist Daryl Dragon was served divorce papers by wife Toni Tennille at the couple's Prescott home, effectively ending their 39 year marriage.

Arizona’s SB1062: Fabulous Ousts Crabulous
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—Don’t fret about this veto thing. Look, the words Christian conscience should not be an oxymoron. Gays would be happy to go to your hell but the Pope just admitted it’s fictional. Of course, he may reconsider his position if he ever visits Mesa. As for eternal damnation for the gays, how about we just take a brimstone check?

Top 10 Guinness Pours in Tucson Revealed!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Tucson is an interesting town. I immediately got a sense of the local color here, which is beige. All color in Arizona, local or otherwise, is some derivative of beige. Upon pulling into town I was greeted by a man yelling out of his car window, "Pick a lane, asshole!" and I thought, "Wow, I’m home."

Dolphin Mothers Boycott Discord
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Philadelphia, PA—Dolphin Mothers Against Humans Nailing Aquatic Beings In Theatrical productions or D.A.G.N.A.B.I.T protested outside of the Daily Discord’s Philadelphia Tower today. Hundreds turned out to see these underwater mammals hold signs proclaiming the evils of dolphin pornography and push rubber balls with their noses.

Pope
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

Last month, Pope Francis shocked the world of Christianity by stating the concept of hell was merely a metaphor for being separated from God's love and was not an actual place where sinners burned in eternal damnation, hosted by the little red guy with the horns and the pitchfork. Yesterday, the Pope had this to say:

Deport Every Politician Thwarting Obama on Iran
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

You think that’s bad? Initially I was going with drone strikes. The list of our-dangerously-incomptent-politicians-who-we-must-run-out-of-office has changed. Instead of identifying them via their support for Sarah Palin, we need to switch to all those elected officials derailing our current peace talks with Iran, D or R. Please turn in your flag lapel pins and all those donations acquired illegally before your car is towed.

Religion Added to DSM-V
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—In an unexpected move, the authors of the new DSM-V, which provides an overview of the many different types of mental illnesses and soup recipes, have decided to add religious disorders to its Axis-II category.

Haunted Tucson: the Hotel Congress
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

For this investigation I was forced to go it alone. The Hotel Congress wasn’t my first accommodation choice, as anything called Congress evokes a visceral response from me. In fact, while I was there I found myself strangely unable to pass anything, even with the aid of high fiber cereals.

Hef and the Dead
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

Hugh Hefner needed to be hip. The Playboy magnate could not let the times pass him by, he had to stay abreast of what the youth were into. The survival of his magazine, his empire, and the Playboy lifestyle depended on it. Uncool was not an option.

Rosetta Scandal: Obama’s Blunders Deciphered!
By Mick Zano
Rosetta Scandal: Obama’s Blunders Deciphered!
Mick Zano

Are you having a hard time deciphering Obama scandals? Are you confused whether or not Obama should be impeached? Can you even keep all of these scandals straight? I have turned all of our 44th President’s scandals into fun, easily digestible cartoons. So in five minutes you’ll finally understand everything, or your money back!

Obama Sells Arizona Back to Mexico
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—In an unexpected move, President Obama sold the entire state of Arizona back to Mexico. Many around the beltway feel the move was politically motivated, but Obama claims it’s, "All due to logistics. Immigrants will have a much tougher time sneaking into our country now that the Grand Canyon divides Mexico and the United States."

IRS: Incessant Republican Scandals
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

What’s the latest 501(C) ruling? Is there a link from the IRS to Obama? Is there a link between The GOP and reality? Does it consist of a rainbow bridge comprised of fairy dust and glitter? Yes, but only USDA prime-choice glitter...as "fairy" dust is generally frowned upon.

Obamalypse Now: How the ACA May Really End America
By Mick Zano
Obamalypse Now: How the ACA May Really End America
Mick Zano

Through propaganda the rightwing media has effectively thinned the ice for Obama, which is not an easy trick during a polar vortex. So when his healthcare rollout faltered he immediately dropped to Bush-level approval ratings. Well played. I agree, ObamaCare is one of the worst things to ever happen to this country...um, except the whole it has barely started thing.

Only Your $ Stays in Vegas
By The Crank
The Crank

So there I was, on my way to Sin City the day after hearing the great news from my Orthopedist that the slightest fall or accident could leave me with more in common with Professor Stephen Hawking than I would like. "Doc, are were talking quadrophenia?"

Fast & Furious Weapons Found in Benghazi
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Yeah, I’m going there again. Why not? At this point I’m eligible for some frequent blogger miles. We keep learning more and more about Benghazi, well, at least we learn more about the relative mental health of one faction of our society, or the World According to GOP.

Duck Dynasty’s Downfall: It’s Mallard Time
By Pierce Winslow
Pierce X. Winslow

So Phil Robertson, of Duck Dynasty fame, really stepped in it this time. In case you’ve been living in a swamp somewhere, the star of the world’s most popular reality TV show made a number of inflammatory remarks about gays and homosexuality. No, not the guy from Swamp People. That one’s different.

Eternal Damnation, Probably
By Dave Atsals
Dave Atsals

I, Dave Atsals, just got told by another man donning a white collar that I am slated for Hell. His exact words were, "No amount of Hail Marys or good deeds will get you out of this one, Dave." This marks strike four and, as far as priests go, I guess that’s the magic number. So I’ll be burning, burning, burning, like that Johnny Cash song. So let’s list my four unforgivable acts of unsaintliness (note to editor: please check if that’s a real word).

Obamacare Woes Make Me Long for Benghazi Headlines
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Benghazi is truly Obama’s biggest scandal. No shit. On a scale of one to ten, it nearly reaches the scale. After 472 Benghazi headlines all I learned is that republicans are equally culpable. And, yes, headline #473 brought me back to this lousy topic: Did Hillary Clinton’s Globetrotting Ways Contribute to Benghazi Disaster?

Can I Please Place Sanctions on Congress?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I don’t think Congress can ultimately impose sanctions on Iran, but it wouldn’t be for lack of trying. With patriots like these who needs Al-Qaeda? The GOP was against this deal even before they knew any of the details, which many are calling beyond a knee-jerk response. So let’s just shorten it to beyond jerks.

What Keeps Me up at Night, Besides Jolt Cola
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

We are all living in the same country, during the same period in history, and yet during the Age of Information we remain completely unable to agree on even the most basic issues of our time. Doesn’t that bother anyone? Meanwhile, a republican’s arsenal consists of either breaking shit or graciously offering common sense solutions...involving unicorns.

The GOP: What Doesn’t Kill Them Only Makes Them Wronger
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Dear lame stream media, please stop suggesting shit to republicans. Pushing Chris Christie on them or encouraging a more moderate path for their party will only make them run harder and further to the right. There’s no point in trying to...oh, I get it! Brilliant! Proceed Governor.

Isn’t That the Pot Calling the Ketamine Crack?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I don’t understand that headline either, but don’t let that stop you. Let’s not end the War on Drugs today, let’s build a time machine and go back 20-years and end it then. Besides, a republican time machine could bring a whole new meaning to the word TARDIS. Think of the money we could save, not to mention the cost in human misery—or, as Schwarzenegger put it, come with me if you want to spliff!

Climate: Keep the Change
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Yes, it’s that time again. It’s the post wonderful time of the year! I keep covering the GOP’s view of climate change because, if it didn’t mean the probable end of mankind, it would be downright hilarious—Discord’s latest video hilarious. You have to hand it to these folks, they aren’t going to fall for any scientific argument. It’s a gutsy move, like cross-dressing at a Tea Party rally. Never again!

Obamakazi: Is the ACA a Suicide Mission?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I am not all that concerned about Obamacare’s impact on other insurance companies—who suck, by the way—or of rampant socialism, or death panels, or Fox’s next paranoid-based theme of the week (FNPBTW). It’s those unintended consequences that concern me. Obama’s failure could well fan the flames of a dying political party. So to help, this site is now a portal for the ACA. Please click below to enroll at...Shit! We crashed!

Cluster Blank: the Movie
By The Crank
The Crank

There I was up to my knees in caribou dung, surrounded by a thousand Ezakwantu tribe’s women naked to the waist. Sorry, another Wild Kingdom flashback. Here’s the thing, my now regular Monday morning trip to the bank for my Unemployment Obamamoney went south...southern Africa Ezakwantu tribe’s women south. Also known as, you trust big government? Why?

Johnny, Rosin up Your Bullshit: the Charlie Daniels Effect
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

So this rightwing propagandist is making videos of ill-informed Obama supporters and then calling their stupidity: The Obama Effect. I tend to make more of a dent focusing on republican congressman and senators who actually say shit, out loud, about important issues, aka Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel need not apply.

Tobacco Lobbyists Introduce Spokesman Kenny the Crawdad
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—In an attempt to increase cigarette and chewing tobacco sales to children, the Tobacco Industry revealed its plan to introduce its new spokesman, Kenny the Crawdad. This smiling cartoonish caricature of a smoking lobster-like-thing is already slated for television, children’s magazines, and billboards across our great nation.

Our Country Started With a Tea Party and Will Likely End by One
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Full circle jerk. Regardless of these final negotiations Obama needs to enact an executive order to pay our bills, now. Playtime is over. He’ll be impeached, of course, but who cares? We need to avoid the collapse of the U.S. dollar as the world standard at all cost, pardon the pun. Oh, and don’t worry, the impeachment process has already been marginalized—or, as I call it, the Full Lewinsky.

Umm, We Don’t Do Rebuttals Anymore, Crank
By The Crank
The Crank

Zano, Zano, Zano....I have attempted to avoid your political posts and your political views as they suffer from what one might call, Major Bullshit Disorder recurrent. See, I have a DSM-V too. But, really, Mikko why doth thee blog? Why? There’s so much more productive things you could be doing with your time, like American Idol marathons.

Polarization Nation: Thanks for Ending Our Democracy
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I have never actually thanked the republicans for the reverse insight they have given me over the years. This might sound like a backhanded compliment...oh wait, it is. But I do finally have proof of my insane claims! There are hordes of zombie greaseweasels living in the apartment across the street! Umm, okay, not that claim.

You’re Being Called Anarchists Because You’re Anarchists
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Let me get this straight. If a president is elected twice on a premise, let’s say to insure more Americans, and his or her party holds the senate and the White House—oh, and the Supreme Court gives its blessings—the minority can still defund and block said legislation because they feel strongly about it? Okay...wait, what?!

Zano Initiates Operation Gloat and Jeer
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Less than 48-hours after I posted my Syria feature, Assad struck a deal to start handing over his WMDs.  Apparently, the single message of the U.S., Russia, and The Daily Discord proved too much for the evil tyrant. As for what the rest of you were thinking, umm, I’m afraid you had a case of the Grand Old Propagandas. Despite the implications, republicans are still trying to make this the most poorly handled foreign intervention ever. And to this I say, amen.

25 Conservatives: 37 Psych Diagnoses
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Why is the GOP doomed, you ask? I came across this list of the 25 most influential conservatives of 2013. At any given moment, nine out of ten of these folks qualify for my state’s involuntary psychiatric commitment process. But, on a good note, the Affordable Care Act should help cover their inpatient stays.

Titties and Jesus
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

How many times have you seen this? A supermodel or pop star or actress is attending some Hollywood hoo-ha dressed in her best chest-baring gown. I mean, her breasts are RIGHT THERE in everyone's faces. There's no missing 'em. Even Stevie Wonder is all, "Damn, girl!"

You Don’t Know Why It’s Bush’s Fault? Syriaously?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Really? Nothing registering? The famous Foxeteer flat line?  Let me splain’. Last week England, our staunchest ally, said, "Piss off. We’re not helping." Know why they said that?  Still nothing?  Perhaps I should resort to finger puppets, or at least one finger.

Extreme Politics: the Baghdad Bob Syndrome
By The Crank
The Crank

Now that the powers that be have determined that I no longer need employment, the few of you northwestcoasties that will actually read this will probably be hearing much more of me. Like it or not. And I honestly hope ‘not’, as that would make my time at the computer much more rewarding. Ninja porn reference omitted.

The Deplorable Care Act: ObamaCare 101
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Republicans are derailing Obamacare! Like it needed any help. Back in the day, when I directed my blogger-wrath toward those who thought the Surge in Iraq was a good idea, I, the anti-American hippy liberal I am, still prayed it would work. And I don’t pray often, unless there’s a cop behind me or I’m providing a urine sample for my HR director.

New DSM-V Adds Religion As a Funde-Mental Disorder
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—The authors of the fifth edition of the Diagnostic Statistical Manuel for psychiatry, which provides summaries and outlines for all mental illnesses, added religion to its Axis-II category. This area was originally dedicated exclusively to sociopaths like Hannibal Lechter, or histrionic-types like CNN’s Nancy Grace.

Fox News Mini-Series: Our Shrinking Deficit
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Okay, maybe not. The right is ignoring the fact our deficit has reached pre-collapse levels. Actually there’s two important numbers, the deficit as compared to GDP and our overall debt. The first you won’t hear mentioned on Fox News and the second you won’t hear mentioned on MSNBC. But if current projections hold true, what will Fox News focus on then? Hint: it rhymes with Hi-Dumb-Deployment.

Say It With Me Republicans: Re-Trac-Tion
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The IRS "scandal" lives. Sorry, I seem to get totally sucked in every time I approach the GOP’s non-event horizon (a Barack hole?). This time I demand a retraction! Dear Fox Newsers, no one ever "refutiated" the IRS’s targeting of the Tea Party, aka, you’re new evidence is not new. But the other findings from the IRS investigation are relevant. Our next term is confirmation bias.

GOP Moving More Conservative? Whaah?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Really? Moving further right? And here I thought some of the Foxeteers were starting to Google words like insight and reality. Oh wait, that could get you on the terrorist watch list. The good news is this: a shift to an even more radical conservatism means they will never hold power again. In that case, proceed Governor.

So What If I Pissed Off Parapsychologist Dean Radin?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Dean Radin is about the most prominent parapsychologist on the planet. But as the head of the Discord’s Elite Para-Abnormal Research Team (DEPART), I pack some serious blog clout myself. We had nearly a dozen page views yesterday. But I’ll let the readers decide who won this important impromptu iPhone exchange.

Discord Faces Hostile Invertebrate Takeover
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—Once upon a time companies and major corporations were only owned by humans, or their close cousins like The Discord staff. Not anymore. The Discord Tower has been purchased by the Crawdad Alliance. They plan to gut the structure and fill it with a murky swamp water, which according to staff, "Really shouldn’t be much different."

Ant Invasion: Them! Them!!
By The Crank
The Crank

So there I was at my new desk, at my new job, planning someone’s beautiful new kitchen when I hear the opening guitar riff from AC/DC’s "For Those About to Rock" (my new smartphone ringtone). I immediately flashback to all my wife’s other just-getting-home-from-work-frantic-gems. "We’re being invaded!" she said. "Red ants everywhere, millions of ‘em, and they bite!!"

Should We Clone Moderate Republican DNA?
Mick Zano

We know moderate republicans are all but extinct, but are we ethically compelled to use genetic engineering to bring them back from the abyss? I am denying allegations I stole David Frum’s comb for the purpose of creating an army of thinking republicans. That’s ludacris. Oh, and I did steal his comb, but only because I’m a huge fan.

Record Store Day
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

At last year's Record Store Day I couldn't get my lazy carcass out of bed at 10AM, so I missed most of the goodies. This year I set my alarm. While perusing the list of releases, I stumbled upon the news that Motown was putting out a limited edition (5000 copies worldwide) of "It's My Time"/"Go on and Cry", the unreleased 1966 single by The Mynah Birds, the legendary group containing unlikely bandmates Neil Young and Rick James Bitch. The record geek/Neil freak in me salivated. Must ... have ... aargh (drool runs down chin).

The Brewery Trap: "Let’s Get a Little One"
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ— We stepped right into it—right into a Hefescheiss as it’s called in Deutschland. Clearly the powers that be wanted us to stay. For the record, it was the only time I had ever gone to Mother Road Brewery for Purposes Other Than Ale (POTA). Hey, wasn’t POTA just struck down by the Supreme Court?

LSD, Wilco, and the Monte V: A Cautionary Tale
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."

 —Mitch Hedberg

We couldn't believe our luck. It was as if the heavens opened and the gods of good music rained down upon us their gifts and favors. My little vacation looked like this: on Wednesday, Jayme & Pete were coming down from the Canyon to Flag, where we were going to see Wilco at the Orpheum. On Thursday, we were driving down to Tucson to see Wilco AGAIN at the Rialto. And on Friday, I was trekking way the hell into the godforsaken California desert for the two-day Coachella Music and Arts Festival, where I was to see Wilco AAGGAAIINN on Saturday.

Freedumb
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Only three days after my post entitled Scandal Quest, wherein I discussed the only significant White House scandal, President Obama caved faster than a Bourne Ultimatum Jenga match. Sorry to drone on about this, but do you know why Obama is addressing my concerns? (Hint: they’re real.) Do you know why he’s not addressing the GOP’s concerns? (Hint: they’re not.)

Israeli Site Rape or: How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love Surveillance
By Pierce Winslow
Pierce Winslow

I don’t understand why this whole NSA thing is a scandal. Don’t people watch the news, Fox or otherwise? How many times have people gotten nailed for sexting, porn site cruising, or questionable phone usage? Why is this news? You’d have to be an idiot to think that the Big Brother ain’t watchin’. Orwell was right, except 1984 just turned out to be a lame Van Halen album.

Taser Parties: Tase Me Again, Bro!
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—There was a time when a parent’s primary concern involved worrying whether their children might drive too fast, eat too much sugar, or vote Republican. Then, thanks in part to the Ghetto Shaman, drug use and teen pregnancies exploded. Then this last generation started planking, idolizing jackass stunts, and joining crawdad cults. Those issues pale in comparison to this new youth trend; I am talking about the dreaded Taser Party!

GOP: Debt, Delusion, and Drudge
Mick Zano

Historically liberal presidents have kept social programs afloat while lowering deficits. President Obama had the hardest time, for obvious Reagans, but it’s finally working (sorry, couldn’t work Bush into that one). The GOP, on the other hand, is forever shifting all resources to a handful of people while turning our country into a deficit-ridden slum. The fact none of them have deciphered their own mission statement, not to mention their own historical record, is a testament to the Matt Drudge’s of the world.

Star Trek: Into Beigeness
By The Crank
The Crank

Phoenix, AZ—After meeting Mick and entourage at a pool party on the surface of the sun, we decided to go see the new Star Trek movie the next day, en masse. As my lovely bride and I waited outside the theater the next morning, it was then I remembered that Micko doesn’t really do mornings, per se. He is more of a crack-of-nooner, as it were.

Antpocalypse Now: Crazy Ants Drive out Fire Ants
By Erisa Brahe
Erisa Brahe

The South—Let’s face it, the American way of life isn’t what it used to be.  There are more corn byproducts than apples in our apple pies, tornados are targeting our square states, and J.J. Abrams is single handedly destroying all sci-fi franchises with the word "Star" in their name.  Worst still, chaos has crept slowly into our well-manicured backyards.

The Horny Goat Weed Question
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

What exactly is Goat Weed, let alone Horny Goat Weed?  Moving west has taught me many valuable life lessons, like the importance of staying east.  In the dank underbelly of some seedy Nevada truck stop, I found myself enthralled with a urinal condom machine (it wasn’t the first time).  On this metal cultural microcosm of western wanking were emblazoned the words "enhance your sex life with Horny Goat Weed".  Below were the words "Proven Effective".  Proven, not just "studies suggest", or "emerging research indicates", but "proven" to help me in an area that can always, always be kicked up a notch.  What the heck?  I’m not beyond enhancing my sex-life through 75 cent restroom novelty items.  Who is?  But what exactly is Horny Goat Weed?

Ghost Busted: Team Discord Bested by Rank Amateur
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Whenever a major apparition is captured on film, you can bet the Discord’s Ghost Blunders are there...um, or at least sleeping down the hall. My daughter captured the best image to date with her iPhone, several feet from my bedroom. Did I mention I’m her inspiration for ghost hunting? Okay, she thinks I’m an idiot but, hey, I paid for the iPhone that took the image. So there. Click to see this truly creepy picture!

Crawdads Protest Outside of Discord Tower
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord Tower is under siege at this hour by America’s Western Crawdad Warfront Against the Repulsive Daily Discord (A.W.C.W.A.R.D.D.). CEO of the Discord, Pierce Winslow, is currently holed up in his ivory tower. He’s trying to electrify the outside of the building to thwart the attacking crawdads as he apparently "saw it once on a Star Trek episode."

Scandal Quest: Would the Real Scandal Please Stand Up
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I would rather be inside a besieged embassy right now donning a certain Danish cartoon T-shirt than discussing Benghazi again, but if six months of endless headlines haven’t really netted you anything meaningful, please stop. People with a reading comprehension above a squirrel don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. Make love not scandals. Besides, new scandals are emerging with teeth. Clue Alert: they’re being covered by something called "the media".

The Worst Song Ever Written
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

I won't whack near any shrubbery here: the worst song ever written, in my fleeting egotistical opinion, is "Tonight’s the Night" by Rod Stewart. Why this tune? Why not any selections from the Michael Bolton or Bon Jovi catalogues? Why pick on Rod?

My Life in Retail: Part One
By The Crank
The Crank

As I think about my life, my thoughts turn to the whole "Legacy" thing. What do I actually leave with my friends and relatives when Momzilla pulls me kicking and screaming into the next world? Will people even remember me 15 minutes after I’m gone? Probably not, with the exception of Mikko passing a rag over his forehead and saying "whew, thank Darwin that’s over."

Mother Road Brewing and Deschutes Unite!
By Mick Zano
Mother Road Brewing and Deschutes Unite!

Flagstaff, AZ—Mother Road Brewing made the fatal mistake of informing The Daily Discord about an important event. On February 5th they combined forces with Oregon’s Deschutes Brewery to brew one spectacular Super Brew. It’s kind of like that Wonder Twins thing, but instead of rings they use vats. Wonder Twins activate, form of ethanol! Video preview at the end of the article!

Brah!!
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

As I walked into the place, I felt like Frodo Baggins far from the Shire. It was a large hall full of people and every man there (as well as some of the women) towered over me. My height is on the short side of average (5'7 when I'm not slouching), but this was ridiculous. I estimated 15% of them to be past 6'2 as well. What the heck? I then realized where I was and relaxed. Of course. These were kind giants, stoned and peaceful. I was at a Karl Denson concert in the Orpheum Theatre, a natural gathering place for the 21st century hippiejock. I was among friends.

Alex Bone’s Get Poor Quick Scheme
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Flagstaff, AZ (aka, Poverty with a View)—Most people in America and the majority of the rest of the world are striving to be rich, but they’re overlooking the truly wonderful advantages of being flat broke. For instance, you will have more free time because your schedule will not be bogged down with things like trips, vacations, shopping, or eating. Things like gaining too much weight—no problem. And no one will ever asks you to borrow money! Hell, they won’t even ask you to babysit for fear you might eat their children.

A Victory for Gun Owners or for Gun Sellers?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The truth is elusive these days, but thank goodness you all have a spoof news blogger to rely on for your information. I received considerable backlash from my liberal friends recently when I warned Obama about attempting any form of gun control. I suggested, rather adamantly here, to avoid the whole thing unless he called it the Let’s Only Disarm Progressive Liberals Act or some such.

Conservative Legacies: Just Say No
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

What are we to make of the likes of a Ronald Reagan or a Margaret Thatcher? We have trouble understanding what happened in yesterday’s news cycle, let alone decades ago. For instance Thatcher headed the Inquisition and started the Black Plague, while Reagan was most known for implementing alternate-street-parking here in the states, right?

HIKE:  A Four Letter Word for a Reason
By Bald Tony
Bald Tony

Against my better judgment I decided it was time to visit Zano again.  Might have had something to do with the constant "Hey, Bald Tony, I’ve visited you 635 times since you last visited me!"  Well, I do enjoy Flagstaff. It is not as fully loaded as Vegas, but it more than holds its own as a great little tourist town...despite Zano’s residency there.

The "Media Research" Center
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I love picking on the Media Research Center (MRC). I chose not to put mock quotes around the word "center", because they are the center...of insanity. I am a subscriber so I never miss one compelling post from the heart of the paranoia realms. For me the MRC, headed by Brent Bozell, equates to endless hours of free entertainment. Yeah, this is one media watchdog group that should probably be put down as rabid.

New Technology Lets Blind See Porn
By Erisa Brahe
Erisa Brahe

We stand on the cusp of a new era where man and machine will finally merge, creating an ultimate hive mind that does nothing but stare at cute cat pictures on the internet. While hover boards, flying cars, and moon bases seem distant dreams, there is something to be said for having a device that fits in your pocket and brings you porn on demand.

Thai Porn Restaurants Linked to Dolphin Exploitation
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Tucson, AZ—The shocking truth behind the link between dolphin abuse and Thai porn restaurants was recently discovered by Discord staff (quite by accident). I assure you we had no ideas those big black silhouettes of naked women had anything to do with porn. But with this story broke, the staff pledged not to rest until every porn establishment in the city was thoroughly investigated. It will mean long, late hours, with an increased expense budget, but that’s the dedication you’ve come to expect from this group.

New York Guido Meets Arizona Gun Show
By The Crank
The Crank

Mrs. Crank has of late voiced an opinion that we should be thinking about getting a firearm for personal protection. My first reaction was to ask, who was she and what had she done with the original Mrs. Crank? Visions of pod people and dopplecrankers danced in my head.

The Republican Scandal Identifier Kit
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

As usual the GOP needs a little help identifying scandals. Their latest feigned outrage involves Obama’s drone program. Republicans turning against the drone program is kind of like...well, picture Jacque Cousteau dropping dynamite into a lake just to watch all the fish float.

Amazon Buys Out All Major Grocery Store Chains
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

New York, NY—In an unprecedented move, Amazon.com has purchased all the major grocery store chains throughout the United States and Canada. Soon after they will all be closing all of these other companies so that online sales will reign supreme! Many citizens were shocked by this development and became concerned that their family would go hungry, but Amazon quickly reassured them their fear was both unwarranted and unauthorized.

Beer And Bloating In Camp Verde
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

"WILLIE!" The sound jolted me awake from my catnap. I was momentarily disoriented: Where the hell was I? Apparently I had been seatbelted into the passenger side of an automobile traveling at a great speed ... and here it came again: "FUCKIN' WILLIE! YEEE-HAAA!"

Men Officially Concede Battle of the Sexes
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Washington, DC—The Senate outlined the unilateral concession of men today, which will allow women to proclaim victory in the Battle of the Sexes. The news came as quite a shock to those wealthy established Romney supporter-types, but the true effects of this legislative proclamation may have even deeper ramifications for men and their relative sperm counts.

The Darker Corner of The TwiRight Zone
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

You are traveling through another political dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of lies, a slanderous land of imagination. Next stop, the TwiRight Zone! Picture this if you Wills…George Wills. Sorry, but Mr. Winslow wants me to start warning readers before they click the read more button. It cuts down on complaints—at least marginally so.

Pope Seeks Retirement Advice from Emperor Palpatine
By Erisa Brahe
Erisa Brahe

Vatican City–The Return to the Papal Side. On Monday, February 11th, Pope Benedict XVI looked out his window, saw his shadow, and promptly announced there would only be two more weeks of his papacy. As the Pope scurried back into his chambers, many were left plagued with questions. The job of being Pope is a lifetime commitment much like owning a pet, serving as a Supreme Court Justice...or, as I have come to discover, certain Discord internships.

Beasts & Men with Tits: Unsung Heroes of the NFL
By The Crank
The Crank

Today I rant on a subject many know to be true, but few will utter. Most remain fearful of the associated politically correct backlash. Even The Daily Discord initially reviewed this submission and said, "Ahh, Cranko, I danno about dis one." Who am I kidding? These schmucks will post anything.

Zombienomics or Night of the Living Prez
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

Washington, DC—Last night, the rotting corpses of several deceased U.S. presidents reanimated themselves in an attempt to stabilize the economy from beyond the grave and "to put an end to this Pirate Bay thing."

Through Rove-Colored Glasses: The GOP Fail (Part Two)
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

You can catch the first part of this post here. Today I will continue to dismantle Republican thought (oxymoron alert) faster than our annual Parkinson’s Jenga match. I will slay the Rovian Dragon, pop the Foxian bubble of non-reality, and still make it back to Hops on Birch for hoppy hour.

It's The Water!
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

If I were to sit down and calculate the actual fluid ounceage of Olympia beer willingly dumped into my system during my 20s, it would surely make me barf. I would probably have to pee real bad as well. It's the water, honest. Olympia was originally manufactured by an independent brewery in Tumwater, Washington, founded before the turn of the century...

Through Rove-Colored Glasses: The GOP Fail (Part 1)
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I have called for the Republican Party to disband. I don’t make this statement lightly, nor am I kidding myself that their reign of terror is by any means over. It’s all just wishful blogging. But if you call for reform for a decade and it only gets worse...tootles. Don’t let the Capitol Building doors hit you on the ass on the way out. Really, those steps are steep.

Gun Enthusiasts Use Zombie Threat to Justify Arsenals
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Washington, DC—Nearly a dozen well-armed and unwashed men have gathered at a local pub in our capitol, demanding the President protect their 2nd Amendment rights. This group is coming at things from a different angle. They believe very soon Americans will need, "All the weapons and Coors products they can get their hands on!"  This growing movement, calling themselves the Bath Salts Brigade, fears the Zombie Apocalypse is long overdue.

The GOP: Snatching Defeat from the Jaws of Victory
By The Crank
The Crank

I got an email today from Reince Preibus, or whatever the F his name is, the head of the GOP. It seems that they now want to hear from the average Republicans—you know, people with real jobs—about how they can improve the party’s platform. I will now relate to youse’ my rather Cranky reply:

Information: Why We No Longer Get Any
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Here’s what makes me crazy! ...well, besides my diagnosis. During any given news cycle some source article or another somewhere on the web is immediately translated into something resembling political pink slime (PPS).  This new version of reality is then disseminated through Fox News, AM radio and any number of social sites for the purpose of perpetuating an easily dismissible false narrative. An example? How about: Godzilla Sighted Near Coastal City shows up on Twitter as Is Obama Weak on Radioactively Enlarged Reptiles?

Beyond Irony or Rickrolling in A Pink Unicorn T-shirt
By Tony Ballz
Beyond Irony or Rickrolling in A Pink Unicorn T-shirt
Tony Ballz

A man must possess standards. I never had a big brother growing up, but my buddies and I knew older guys in school that were concerned enough with our upbringing to pass along whatever nuggets of knowledge they could. To these men I am ever grateful. Without their help, I never would have known truths like this one: every day, Kenny Loggins wakes up, hops out of bed, sits down in his kitchen, and eats a big fat hairy gorilla weiner for breakfast. EVERY day. Where else is information like this supposed to come from? It might have taken me YEARS to figure that out on my own and I shudder to think what my record collection would look like today.

Cranky Predictions for 2013
By The Crank
The Crank

2012 is over, thank the Lord. Every year for the past five, I thought the next year just HAD to be better. How did that work out? Not so good. I sincerely hope this year will actually be better than the last, but ah-aint-a-holdin-mah-breth. Here are my predictions for 2013, which has implications for the global economy, rock & roll, and comedy bloggers everywhere.

The Haunted Palace at Prescott’s Whiskey Row
By Mick Zano
The Haunted Palace at Prescott’s Whiskey Row
Mick Zano

Have you ever stopped at Prescott’s Whiskey Row? For those unfamiliar with the southwest, Prescott is a town nestled in a mountainous section of central Arizona. There’s a time I would have loved this rustic row of bars...er, like shortly after it debuted in 1877. But there’s at least one place on that block worthy of a stop. The Palace Saloon is old, historic, and quite haunted. It’s also the focus of The Ghost Blunder’s latest para-abnormal investigation.

The Right to Bear Arms Shall Not Be Infringed by the Fringe
By Mick Zano
The Right to Bear Arms Shall Not Be Infringed by the Fringe
Mick Zano

I am aghast and, worse yet, wrong about something. I did not think Obama would dare take shots at the 2nd Amendment (pardon the gun). Do his suggested reforms sound reasonable? Of course. But who cares? You should never have hinted at gun reform, Mr. President. Now you’re going to have to pry shit from their cold dead hands. WTF?! This may be your dumbest move ever...well, besides your decision to not allow Texas to secede.

Alien Invaders Distressed Over Failed Apocalypse
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—Life forms from the distant planet Blog arrived on Earth last week only to discover the Mayan Apocalypse was a complete bust. The Blogganinians, a race of evolved gecko-like creatures, were quite shocked to find the Earth still functioning as usual and they were even more annoyed to find the human/feline alliance still as strong as ever.

Barnes Aint Noble or Right Says Fred
By Mick Zano
Barnes Aint Noble or Right Says Fred
Mick Zano

This is just a rant, albeit a funny one, so sorry ahead of time. In a recent Weekly Standard article, Fred Barnes begged the question, "Will the press ever give Obama tough coverage?" The answer is sure...just as soon as Obama does something that doesn’t make any sense in response to the worst economic crisis in a century. For endless examples of things that wouldn’t make sense, try any Fred Barnes article.

Catitude: The Cat's Domestication of Mankind
By The Crank
The Crank

I have cats, two. One is a fat old, crotchety female. The other, male, is a one-year-old walking bag of shedding-fur. I like cats, for one main reason: Steven Hawking couldn’t find the infinitesimal shit they give about anything. I love that. If I wanted some smelly drooly stupid animal to act as if it were a new appendage, I would get a dog. Dogs are for people who need that unconditional love. It’s like living with a two year old for twenty years. No thanx. Bad enough I have to deal with Zano visiting now and again.

A-Crock-O-Shit Now
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

What the hell happened? NOTHING happened, that's what happened. Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ, what a boring apocalypse. With all the hype that's been building up, you'd think the show would be a little better. But no, it was just another Friday night in Flagstaff. There weren't even any good bands downtown!

Fox & Hagels: The Anti-Semitic Sandwich
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

So let me get this straight, you’re blocking Chuck Hagel’s nomination because he’s smart and insightful? There’s really no place left in Republican politics for someone with such characteristics? Whereas it’s true that, off hand, I can’t think of many Republicans who have those traits, I didn’t think they were an automatic disqualifier. Fact alert: Chuck Hagel would make a great Defense Secretary and the rest of you would make great psych patients.

The Wrong Remains the Same
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Why listen to the Grand Old Party at all? You might think we’re silencing some important voices, but as it turns out not so much. This isn’t about the 1st Amendment. They can keep talking, I just don’t think listening has proven horribly productive. Sure people listen to the psych patient during the Haldol injection, but shouldn’t we be focusing on the hold so no one gets hurt initiating the restraint?

Plight of the Phoenix: How I Stopped Worrying About On-Coming Traffic and Learned to Love the Valley
By The Crank
The Crank

Here are some of the dos and don’ts when driving around the Phoenix area

1. First, learn to pronounce the city name properly; it’s FEE-NICKS. There are other names to learn such as Awatukee (Ah-wa-Too-Kee) but that will be included in the advanced (Core-ss).

Because Our Stupidity Goes to 11!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Both D and R believe, rather strongly, that their counterparts are certifiably insane. So who’s right? Liberals are finally fighting for what they believe in, but their ideological drift in recent years has been relatively small. And, unfortunately, they still tend to elect presidents who govern slightly right. Meanwhile, the GOP will go down in history as moving so far right they’re now sending back pictures as they pass the Ort Cloud on the outer edge of our solar system.

Discord Resorts to Black Magic to Increase Ratings
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

In an attempt to compete with media giants like The Onion, Fox News, and Quilting Monthly, The Daily Discord disclosed they will be turning to black magic to increase their ratings. The Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow, told the press, "I only resort to satanic rituals when absolutely necessary...you know, to maintain power, or if my stocks are tanking, or if some ass face unfriended me on Facebook."

Opinions on Politics by a Non-Voter
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

Well, finally this election bullshit is over. You people give me a goddamn headache. As if it remotely matters which puppet we elect. Remember: Whoever you vote for, a politician wins. Pleasant dreams.

The GOP: Time to Hide the Silverware
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

In social site land I joined We Survived Bush. You’ll Survive Obama on The Left, and NewsBusters on the Right. It’s been really interesting to watch the GOP create reality faster than a video game programmer on crack. If you start with a premise completely devoid of facts, it’s fun to see where the argument ends up...usually in that magical alley near Hogwarts, or is it Outer Narniastan?

You Bastards! You Blew It All to Hell!
By The Crank
You Bastards! You Blew It All to Hell!
The Crank

I sit here today with a heavy heart, a fogged mind, and one hell of a headache. After barely recovering from the tragic turn of events on Election Failure Day, I am faced with yet another piece of the puzzle from Uh-mericuh—a land without liberty, a land without riches, and now…a land without Twinkies. I was not ready for yet another blow to my rather tenuous grasp on sanity, but this one really takes the cake (sorry).

Records Are Great
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

Records are great. You youngsters call it vinyl, us old folks call them records, or LPs. Vinyl is what your car seats are made out of, or a raincoat. I have records by a band called The Raincoats, but I don't think a band called The Car Seats exists. I'll have to Google it.

Scandals: No One Expects the Outlandish Inquisition!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I love the Republican version of a scandal. "When did Obama know Benghazi was a terrorist attack not an extremist attack? Obama’s phrasing is misleading, edited, and those two words are arguably not even synonyms! Throw the book at him...yeah, the Thesaurus! Aim for the groin!" I remember the good old days when scandals involved tens of thousands of people dying over presidential lies. Ahh, memories. These days the GOP just plays some dubious game of pin the fail on the donkey.

A Kidnapped Hitchhikers' Guide to the Electoral Multiverse
By Pierce Winslow
A Kidnapped Hitchhikers' Guide to the Electoral Multiverse
Pierce Winslow

Set the Way-Back Machine to the end of the Clinton years, a time of great prosperity, where we find an interesting juncture. It was a time when some quirk of fate sent us down the path to the dark side. As a green prophet once told us, once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny. It’s sort of like, once you go black you never go back. In our case, the downfall all started with, of all things, a cigar. Let Freud wrestle with that one.

Dear Fox News
By The Crank
The Crank

Dear Fox News

I be dribnk since we looz Ohio, hav head prop up on cat, so this be best I typ so deal.

Hannity say polls rong. Oreilly say polls rong. Legs and zooms all say polls rong. Eric sed polls rong. Little Bush lady say polls rong. I think OK polls rong, we win!

Rove V World
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The human brain has billions of neurons working in harmony through both chemical and electrical messages—each neuron is in sync, each one is informed, instructed, and orchestrated in an unparalleled fashion. How has the GOP so completely shutdown such a magnificent machine?

NERDS!!!!!
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

Screw the election, I want to take a moment to talk to you about an important subject, nerds. Nerds are not sexy. Sorry, ladies, if you are an attractive single woman who owns a "Nerds Are Sexy" t-shirt, you should come over to my house. My roommates go to bed early and I have the director’s cut of Buckaroo Banzai always playing in the background. Bring tequila.

Paul Dunk, On Assignment, Massachusetts
By Paul Dunk
Paul Dunk

CDC, Atlanta—Scientists at the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta are set to announce on Friday a link between televised political ads and the recent nationwide outbreak of lung infection. A spokesperson at the CDC, Eileen DuBonnet, said to expect more details at Friday’s press conference, but that the findings are "based on surveys taken by over 18,000 citizens who have fallen ill at some point during the past two months." These victims, according to DuBonnet, are experiencing symptoms ranging from a "dry, hacking cough," to, "thoughts of suicide."

Interview by a Vampire
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Arkham, MA—Good evening, gentle readers. My name is Baron Von Hallens. But let me warn you, if I hear one more David Lee Roth joke, I will lay waste to the entire state of New Jersey! Unless Sandy beats me to it. I have been an immortal for six centuries and I have not seen worse politicians since Ambrosio Spinola back in the 1500s. That guy made W look like Stephen Hawking on ginkgo biloba.

Surviving in a Post-Truth World
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

What if Romney wins? How will that impact our already tenuous grip on reality? What the hell happens when we institutionalize the House of Rove? A place where people can say anything, minus fact-checkers, minus any objectivity, minus any political consequences for lying? We already have that, it’s called a spoof news site—well, some consequences, but we’ll leave the Ghetto Shaman’s last Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise lawsuit out of this.

Romney Pledges to Increase Taxes for Nation’s Homeless
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Washington, DC—In an unexpected move, the Romney campaign announced its intension to be the first administration ever to levy a tax on our nation’s homeless. Romney claims to have a five point plan to save America, or at least the nicer, Mormon friendly parts (MFP).

Checkout Ertel: Express Lane Only
By Ertel
Ertel

It started off like any other grocery store excursion, but I had spent the week leading up to this trip in preparation. Long, sleepless nights spent staring intently at a blank notepad, a pencil resting uselessly by its side. Frustration builds up quickly when you’re in a creative rut. I suppose I was no different from my writing forefathers: Hemingway, Wilde, even Danielle Steele got their creative wheels stuck in the mud now and again. But I knew inspiration would come. And it did. Oh, did it...

Romney Courts the Undead Vote
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Washington, DC—Despite every effort to displace the incumbent, Romney’s political advisors were not happy with his chances to win the election. That all changed when they discovered an overlooked voting demographic, the Undead (not of the Mormon variety).

Don’t Call the Tea People Names, Don’t Call them at All
By Mick Zano
Don’t Call the Tea People Names, Don’t Call them at All
Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—Oh joyous day, oh rapture, the Tea Party Express pulled into my town on 9/29. I haven’t witnessed anything that disturbing since the Discord’s coverage of Prince Charles streaking. I attended the event for two main reasons: one, it was girls’ night out so I needed to amuse myself until the "Pick utth up at Chharrrly’s" request arrived and, two, I have a political masochistic streak the size of the Ghetto Shaman’s bar tab.

First Lady Declares Obesity "The Greatest Threat to National Defense"
By The Crank
First Lady Declares Obesity "The Greatest Threat to National Defense"
The Crank

Shortly after the re-inauguration of Barak Obama, I was in line at Carl’s Jr. when they came for me. I had heard about the banning of large drinks in New York and thought, "Wow, good thing I live in Arizona." People here don’t like so much Government involvement in their daily lives. That’s why Arizona has a stockpile of weirdness. We were free to be as weird as we wanted and we like it that way. After all, true freedom is the freedom to not be like everyone else, even when that means having no brains. It’s who we are.

Are We Better Off Than We Were Four Years Ago?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Umm, let me think (cue squiggly flashback sequence): I had just lost everything in the stock market, I was doctor shopping for benzodiazepines, and after I drank myself to sleep each night with a bucket of vodka, I prayed to the God Yig that Bush wouldn’t start a land war in Iran. Umm, yeah, I’m thinking a tad better. Now I’m in therapy instead of abusing valium and I’m almost completely off the vodka...er, well, I do occasionally chug hand sanitizer when my sponsor isn’t looking.

Cthulhu Thwarting Release of Jack Primus' 2nd Book?
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Washington, DC—Jack Primus is coming under a lot of fire over the past several days as hordes of the tentacle-ridden maggoty fungi, known as the Migo (no relation to our politicians), are assaulting humans all over the globe—not to mention the Romney family’s endangered species petting zoo.

Scooby Dooby Doo: The Case of the Haunted Brew
By Mick Zano
Scooby Dooby Doo: The Case of the Haunted Brew
Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—We heard through the grapevine some folks were having strange experiences at one of the local brewpubs...not the kind of experiences usually associated with half-priced drink specials. All kinds of spooky things were happening after hours at Flagstaff Brewing Company. Looks like the Ghost Blunders were going to have to put in some overtime on this one. One of the managers, Marcus, called us in dire need of assistance. Okay, we called him, but he was willing to let us do our thing if we promised not to break anything.

Divided by Plan: or How I Learned to Stop Voting and Love the Bums
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The Crank is right about one thing...naah, just kidding. Sorry but meaningful debate is deader than the Kentucky Darwin Museum. It’s why any discourse officially ended here on The Discord; it’s why I’ve decided to hunt ghosts in brewpubs instead of cover our pending collapse (Twilight of the Grogs?). Today, if you show any political insight whatsoever, you can be overturned with one Bachmannesque, crayon-graph backed rant.

Rebutt! The End is Nigh!
By The Crank
The Crank

Please let me preface the following article by stating that I may not be writing this whilst in the best of moods. The Crank’s humble domicile has experienced a water issue of biblical proportions. I am writing this after three days of industrial wind machines 24-hrs a day, cats locked up in solitary, bitching constantly as they tend to do, a spouse asking "when will it be over?" as incessantly as a kid on a car trip asking "are we there yet?" So forgive me in advance.

Aliens Pledge to Destroy Human Race as Favor to Dolphins?!
By Alex Bone
Aliens Pledge to Destroy Human Race as Favor to Dolphins?!
Alex Bone

Miami, FL—Dolphin researcher, Dr. Holly Hotalot, made a startling announcement to the press today: "Many of the world’s dolphins and porpoises have been communicating with an alien race known only as the Usukko and their message has implications far beyond Obamacare. This is like that Douglas Adams novel only worse!"

Durango and the Haunted Hotel Hatrick
By Mick Zano
Durango and the Haunted Hotel Hatrick
Mick Zano

Durango, CO—Reaching the fabled city of Durango could mean only one thing, we’ve arrived at the last installment of this important four part Colorado series on the para-abnormal. Durango literally means "water town"—which recently spurred Watertown, NY, to officially change its name to Durango, because the Mayor said, "It sounds way cooler." Besides, Durango has like, what? four brewpubs? What the hell does Watertown, New York have? Water? Yeah, I wouldn’t’ drink that.

Honey, We Have a Problem
By The Crank
The Crank

On one sunny, hot as the hinges of Hell, day here on the surface of the sun, I was alone on the showroom floor. My cell phone rings. I see it’s ‘home’ so I pick up expecting to hear something like a ‘I’m home from work. See you soon, honey," kind of thing. Well, not so much.

Haunted Silverton: A Grand Imperial Poltergeist
By Mick Zano
Haunted Silverton: A Grand Imperial Poltergeist
Mick Zano

Silverton, CO—Onward to part three of my epic four part series on the Ghosts of Colorado. My wife and I pulled into Silverton after surviving the treacherous "million dollar highway." They probably should have spent a little more than that and put up some flippin’ guardrails! In some spots, veering your car just a hair beyond the fog line means certain death. Silverton, meanwhile, is a quaint little place...at least from a distance. When you get closer it starts to look like Sanford & Son decided to go into the western town business. I tied the old Impala to a hitching post and found the first brewpub for some much needed "research".

Geeks Threaten Internet if Bullies Don’t Beat Themselves Up
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

The Dumpster behind Comic Con—In an unprecedented move, the Geeks of America have united under a common banner. Their ultimate goal is revenge against all the people who plagued them through high school. The Geeks took time away from their coveted Las Vegas Comic Con to hatch an ingenious plot—which was quite a sacrifice as Scarlett Johansson was due to appear in her Black Widow costume and later Leonard Nimoy was going to recite Hobbit poetry in Johansson’s Black Widow costume.

Ouray’s Western Hotel: A Very Brady Slaughter House
By Mick Zano
Ouray’s Western Hotel: A Very Brady Slaughter House
Mick Zano

Ouray, CO—Part two of our compelling four part series takes us to Ouray. The town is about as scenically situated as our last Rocky Mountain sojourn, Telluride. These days I only do sojourns. You want an adventure vacation, go with Cokie McGrath. She’ll have you climbing the Matterhorn by lunchtime. Luckily, the Matterhorn in Ouray is a cheesy motel and I’ve already been on the roof...with a beer.

The "No Mas" 16
By The Crank
The Crank

There are sixteen widely used terms today that invoke nausea in me every time I hear them. I would like them from this moment forward stricken from all political discourse. Once one of my ‘16 forbidden phrases’ (similar to Carlin’s seven dirty words) are used on TV, or in print, they take on a life of their own. These are terms I never want to hear again. I’m sure I speak for everyone, and by everyone I mean six people, when I say please stop!

Haunted Colorado or Rocky Mountain High-Ya-Yay
By Mick Zano
Haunted Colorado or Rocky Mountain High-Ya-Yay
Mick Zano

Telluride, CO—The first segment of this epic four part Haunted Colorado series begins in one of the coolest towns in the country. And, at an elevation of nearly 9,000 feet, Telluride is so cool there’s still residual snowpack...in July. The town is named after the mineral Tellurium, which was used to enhance the hull-plating during one of the Enterprise’s missions threw a particularly hazardous region of space known as The Expanse. Or, maybe it’s named after that Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy character. Ok, I don’t really know, but I have posited two plausible theories so lay the hell off.

So You Want to Be a Bounty Hunter?
By Ertel
So You Want to Be a Bounty Hunter?
Ertel

Criminals and evildoers the world over: beware! Law abiding citizens: sleep soundly tonight knowing that in your neck-of-the-woods, local criminals (mostly the petty variety like vandals, jaywalkers, and internet pirates) will be taking a healthy dose of justice—justice served with a side-order of spit-talkin’ Dirty Harry style ‘plum mad dog mean’ true grit...I have absolutely no idea what that is even supposed to mean.

First Real Zombie Attack in Flagstaff
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

I’m probably like you, except for my quasi-homelessness, my unusual cravings for chocolate shaped like human body parts, and my history of stalking women whose names don’t begin with vowels. But I’m different in that…I can’t wait for a real zombie plague! Sure skeptics will say this can’t happen, or they’ll list a bunch of ‘scientific evidence’ discounting the possibility. I ignored science in high school and college, so I’ll be damned if I’m going to start paying attention to it now.

Semi-Unified Conspiracy Theories
By The Crank
The Crank

There’s a lot going on today and with our media tanking it’s time we learned the truth! Conspiracy theories are rampant, yet what are we to make of the Age of Misinformation? The Daily Discord has paid me handsomely to get to the bottom of several of the leading stories of our time. I, The Crank, found most of the loose strings of a generation and tied them into a nice little bow. On that note, I could really use that case of Coca Cola now, Mr. Winslow. It would be better for everyone if it arrived soon…

Zano to Quit the Discord....Again
By Cokie McGrath
Cokie McGrath

Against my better judgment, I’ve decided to interview the Daily Discord’s head comedy writer, Mick Zano. Mr. Zano is a man—at least technically—who many call the brains of the operation. OK, no one really says that. In fact, spending an hour with Mr. Zano is good cause for hazard pay. Did you get that, Mr. Winslow? Make check payable to Cokie Industries.

Join the Unemployed to Help Romney’s Chances
By Dave Atsals
Join the Unemployed to Help Romney’s Chances
Dave Atsals

I, Dave Atsals, may be looking for work soon. If any of you know of a position open for someone totally unqualified to do anything but sit on a barstool and shoot pool, let me know. My employment at the local flooring center may have hit bottom. Just be thankful they edited out the ‘pulling the rug out from under me’ joke. I had to meet with the head of human resources yesterday, which I believe has something to do with our HR department. There, we reviewed my growing list of misdeeds. I have listed the funniest five for your enjoyment. Mr. Winslow said listing them all would put too much of a strain on our server.

Temp Sensitivity in AZ or It’s 72°, Get My Sweater
By The Crank
The Crank

As I enter my pool after a hard day’s work, I’m greeted by the momentary chill one gets when going from over 105° to a frigid 88°. As I start my exercise routine, I soon warm. Fifteen minutes of calisthenics, followed by ten minutes of "floundering" as I don’t really swim, per se. When I decide I’ve had about enough of this whole "healthy" thing, I float like a dead man for another ten minutes...or, as I call it, the ‘Fuck You Richard Simmons’ position.

H.G. Ertel’s The Time Machine
By Ertel
H.G. Ertel’s The Time Machine
H. G. Ertel

For years scientists have disputed the possibility of time travel: matter can't travel faster than the speed of light, Zefram Cochrane won’t be born until the next century, yada yada. Other scientists just dodge the question entirely with things like, "I'm more than a little busy looking at these glass slides and shuffling these papers around" ...and, "How did you get passed the retinal scan to get in here, anyway?"

Dawn of the Dumb: A Look Back to 2012
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

In the year 2050 The Daily Discord is celebrating its 42nd anniversary and its one thousandth page view! Whoot! Whoot!...that’s almost 25 a year! We would like to look back to the time of the Discord’s inception—a time of turbulence, a time when humanity turned away from logic, reason, science, and a hit television show known only as Glee.

The John Conner Interview
By Alex Bone
The John Conner Interview
Alex Bone

I caught up to John Conner, of Terminator fame, in an abandoned WWII weapons testing range. His mother, Sarah, was off hunting radioactive rabbits with a sling shot, so I was able to speak with him without her breaking my jaw...like last time.

Dino Farts the Cause of Prehistoric Global Warming?
By Erisa Brahe
Dino Farts the Cause of Prehistoric Global Warming?
Erisa Brahe

Late Jurassic Period, Earth – I am standing here in the middle of a Mesozoic marsh where I have sunk the Discord’s company Delorean past the fenders. As I wait for a creepy green puppet to appear and pull my car out of the mud with his mind, I figured I should report this story—a story I broke the boundaries of time and space to tell. There is evidence Global Warming happened in the prehistoric past, but the facts stink!

Occupy the Tea Party
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

It’s absurd what’s happening today, and not just because of my last post about the Facebook Nazis. We are in dire straits, folks, and, Mark my words, I have had a Knopfler. (The Sultans of Swing Voters?) Sorry. Half our country can’t motivate and the other half probably shouldn’t. The Occupy movement remains rudderless and the Tea Party has charted a clear and exact course toward some jagged rocks.

Are you a Serpent or a Rat? Take the Quiz of Yig!
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Are you one with Yig, or will be cowering in the corner when the Earth comes under peril this December? Take Yig’s Stalwart quiz and see where you stand in the eyes of the All Father Serpent. Oh, but if you fail badly, you might be devoured.

Cannibals Offended by the Name Zombie
By Erisa Brahe
Erisa Brahe

USA – There are many reports of bizarre and carnivorous crimes sweeping the country, from a nude Miami-man gnawing on his victim’s face, to a New Jersey man wielding his own intestines as a weapon against police, to a local Shaman doing inappropriate things to people’s skulls.

The Fudge Report: The Disservice of Matt Drudge
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I chose June 3rd to interpret Matt Drudge’s sad, ideological nonsense over on The Drudge Report. For those of you non-Drudgers, this guy cherry picks headlines designed to embarrass the President and reorganizes information in the guise of a news site. These headlines seem damning and they often paint quite a picture. What they don’t tell you is the artist of said picture has been huffing the paint fumes.

Technology Bytes
By The Crank
The Crank

In a world where we’ve become so totally dependent upon electronic wizardry to do even the most basic of tasks, the failure of such technology makes us old timers long for the old days. The latest tech forces us to choose between quality and convenience. Do we wish to get off our ever fatter asses and actually ‘do’ something? No, we want something done ‘for us’ by the magic little Chinese dude inside our latest job robber from the east. Ask not what your Compaq can do for you, but what you can...a fuggedaboutit.

David Sedaris and His Facebook Nazis
By Mick Zano
David Sedaris and His Facebook Nazis
Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—Always on the job, I attended the David Sedaris show on Friday April 27th over at glamorous NAU. Sedaris is supposed to be an autograph-friendly-legend (AFL), but one person was clearly gypped. You might be wondering who? I was supposed to ask him some questions that I scribbled down on the ride over. The plan was to ask him as many of these questions as possible until his bodyguards dragged me or him away. Then I would categorize our brief, yet turbulent encounter as "an interview"...you know, the usual.

Aging: It May Be Fucked Up but Maybe Less So
By Cokie McGrath
Cokie McGrath

Age related decline is a phenomenon sweeping the nation. You may recognize this subtle foe to establishing and maintaining relationships. For example, "Sure, honey. I can pick that up from the store" quickly turns to..."Umm, why am I going to the store?" Other symptoms include: fumbling around for beers long since consumed, emphatic arguments with inanimate objects—typically of the malfunctioning variety—and accusations of moving items which have remained stationary for years...like, for example, your house.

Verbal Charades and ADHD
By The Crank
The Crank

While waiting for my shrink to digitally write out my meds for the next three months, I asked him a question. What amazed me was the cognizant answer. This new guy is great. He has knowledge and stuff—not like that last one. I spent my $125.00 listening to her bitch for 30 minutes. She had her loser daughter as her assistant. Imagine moving your business and not calling all of your regular clients to inform them. Then berating them when they suggest how a knowledgeable person might be better in that position. Headbob, followed by a "layta beeoch!"

2012: A Space Case Odyssey
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Not sure if the Mayan Gods are returning any time soon, but I do know neither of our presidential contenders can save America in its current form. What’s the current form, you ask? One hint, Forrest Gump stepped in a pile right outside of this very Flagstaff coffee shop where I’m writing this tripe. That’s deep, Mick, real deep. Yeah, well not as deep as the pile this country stepped in..."It happens."

The Discord’s Wilderness Survival Quiz
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

The purpose of this quiz is to test your wilderness survival skills. You are a modern person with modern needs. Things like broken legs, heat stroke, and dehydration are things that happened back when your grandparents were kids. We have different concerns today, like my Twitter account is blocked! But when a real nature-related crisis strikes, how will you react? Will you do the right thing? Is rubbing salmon on your pajamas before bedtime a good camping practice?

Russian Prehistoric Lake Drilling Unleashes Zombie Plague!
By Erisa Brahe
Erisa Brahe

Antarctica–Early February, after twenty years of drilling through thousands of feet of Antarctic ice, the Russians finally reached Lake Vostok. Sadly, being February, most of the researchers died the next night of exposure after their celebratory baby whale roast. Vostok, a fresh water lake sealed off from the Antarctic surface since the early Miocene epoch, has been the source of much speculation. It has attracted the attention of mad scientists, neo Nazis, tinfoil-wearing alien hunters, and even mad-Nazi-tinfoil-wearing Discord reporters. 

Oh My, You’ve Lost Some Weight!
By The Crank
The Crank

I get that a lot lately. Yes, the 800lb beige gorilla in the room has managed to somehow lose 30 lbs. Giving up nearly everything you love to eat apparently has that effect. When I was younger the only incentive to stay fit involved getting girls. But sometimes even then it just wasn’t enough (aka, boy those Twinkies and that 3 liter bottle of Coke look real good, but I better not if I want to gggaaaammmffff-glugglugglug). Oh well, so much for the diet or the date.

Go Coyotes! No, Really...You Can Move to Seattle
By Mick Zano
Go Coyotes! No, Really...You Can Move to Seattle
Mick Zano

Wow, nearly three of your fans got to watch you beat the Chicago Blackhawks this year—your first ever playoff series win since moving from Winni-friggin-peg. Wanna know why? The following is the comedy, the tragedy, and the horror that befell one Coyote fan, namely me, during the 2012 playoffs. Damn Mayans. The Hockey Gods frown on you Arizona! They will now probably relocate to Seattle or Hackensack...and who needs a team out in Hackensack? This post has been sent to NHL Commissioner, Gary Bettman and to Captain Coyote, Shane Doan. They will respect my authoritay!

Kirkpatrick/Zano: The Interview
By Mick Zano
Kirkpatrick/Zano: The Interview
Mick Zano

On the balcony of the Weatherford Hotel, Alex Bone and I were minding our own business and kicking back a brewski. Many stories begin this way. Bone man had already managed to piss off one of the owners, Sam, and somehow turned his flagrant obnoxiousness into a free shot of tequila. Bone is living proof the customer isn’t always right, yet it still pays dividends.

The Lottery as an Investment Strategy
By The Crank
The Lottery as an Investment Strategy
The Crank

As I sit at my desk at work, not really earning anything, I dream of winning the mega lottery, just like everyone else who lacks the fortitude to actually ‘save’, or ‘invest’ or any of those other long range, forethought-related endeavors...you know, the Middle Class.

Seattle Five-O: Post ‘em, Zano
By The Crank
The Crank

Dear Mr. Zano, I realize you, just like all politicians, cater to your base. I understand that and almost always fully support it. The problem arises when ‘your base’ refers to six or seven deeply depressed individuals in the rainiest, coldest, wettest, most depressed, most northeast corner of the United States. I also realize one more thing. You do, well, suck.

Krauthammer V Zano: The Hawk-Spank Redemption
By Mick Zano
Krauthammer V Zano: The Hawk-Spank Redemption
Mick Zano

This is a rebuttal of some recent discussion by Fox News’s, Dr. Charles Krautwanker (that’s not name calling! There is considerable evidence he wanks his kraut, or is hammered when he...). Anyway, this is a snopes.com version of Dr. Lautyammer’s recent speech (that’s a typo, honest). So in all fairness to Dr. K, the snopeputians may have augmented his rhetoric (aka, they may have added some pink slime filler to the usual USDA prime choice Foxaganda).

America’s Newest Trend: Anti-life Coaching
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Life Coaching has remained a fast-growing offshoot of the counseling field for years now. One clear advantage, you don’t need all of those pesky "credentials." Life Coaches help people reach for their true goals while taking their money so they have less capital to do so. Life Coaching affirmations include, ‘Reach for your full potential’ and ‘I’m so special, I deserve to do whatever I want and to hell with the rest of you.’

Onward Christian Actors
By The Librarian
The Librarian

Nothing makes me more nauseous than candidates wrapped in a flag, clutching and thumping Bibles, while pontificating on "Christian Values." Yeah, I’m talking about the current front-running Republican candidates, who fixated on inflicting their religious doctrine on every citizen in the country. Values can have any number of prefixes which are meaningless. Values are just that – values. Now, if you want valueless, just become a daily Daily Discord reader.

Discord Dissident Disses the Debt Deal Debacle
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Let’s be clear here, this is a non rebuttal rebuttal (NRR), Mr. Crank. Keeping my mouth shut is not always easy, as my librarian can attest, but I will try to keep the rebut-thing to a minimum. This post will cover our continued budget woes, what the Florida shooting says about society, and the Discord’s failed attempt at being a uniter. Who’d have thought a site called The Daily Discord would fail to bring people together? Shocking.

Sticks and Groans May Break My Balls
By The Crank
The Crank

If during a conversation someone called you an asshole, you would leave the area upset or stove in someone’s head with a Louisville Slugger, via Joe Pesci in Goodfellas (my choice). Hurtful words can even lead to suicide, a reaction I have never understood (outside of reading Zano features). My first thought would be to end the other person’s life. Where does that get you? Dead? Not even. Although, my mom did manage to get both dead and even...with me at least. I’ll never forget her loving last words, "I may end up dead, but I will get you back!"

Apparently, Two Beers and a Free Meal = $48.50
By Dave Atsals
Apparently, Two Beers and a Free Meal = $48.50
Dave Atsals

This might come as a shock to some of you, but I, Dave Atsals, spend a lot of time in bars. Unless this is my probation officer, in which case they are called coffee shops. I normally refer to these neon establishments as restaurants with refreshments. I spend so much time in bars, in fact, on occasion I must work to augment my income, aka, pay off my bar tab.

The Discord Staff Pledges to Binge Drink this Saint Patrick’s Day
By Alex Bone
The Discord Staff Pledges to Binge Drink this Saint Patrick’s Day
Alex Bone

In an unprecedented move, the entire staff of The Daily Discord has pledged to drink as much as possible this Saint Patrick’s Day. When asked to elaborate, on what many are calling a senseless publicity stunt, CEO Pierce Winslow had this to say, "I know a lot of people drink quite a bit on Saint Patty’s Day already, but we are going to drink sooo much that normal people will seem like a bunch of nuns at AA."

Good Healthcare & Phoenix: Mutually Exclusive Terms
By The Crank
Good Healthcare & Phoenix: Mutually Exclusive Terms
The Crank

When I knew I was leaving Lawn Guyland, I visited my long time dentist for the last time. This man had done all my dental work since the early Reagan Administration. My union dental coverage had purchased him numerous fine German and, later, Japanese cars over the years. He used to say that when I came into his office, he could hear the revving of new engines instead of air drills.

Republicans Speak from Two Places, Ideology or Their Asses
By Mick Zano
Republicans Speak from Two Places, Ideology or Their Asses
Mick Zano

In hindsight, comparing John Boehner to Don Quixote isn’t very fair to Mr. Quixote. But what’s the GOP attacking now? Why are they so afraid? Even when they aren’t in power, they’re the story....a sad, sad story, yet an ever-evolving one, or in their case devolving. Look, don’t fear a reasonable amount of competence...it’s INcompetence you want to avoid. See how easy that was? Now you try to think of...just kidding, like that would ever happen.

GOP: You’re Squandering an Opportunity More Golden than Trump Friggin’ Towers!
By The Crank
GOP: You’re Squandering an Opportunity More Golden than Trump Friggin’ Towers!

Yeah, that’s right, The Crank is finally calling out the right wing. Why don’t you just put the f*&^ing election into a pretty foil box with a bow and hand it to Obama and say, "Sorry we bothered." Or put on the cake, Enjoy Four More Years, oh Anointed One.

If I Had 325 Million Dollars: Song Sold Separately
By Ertel
If I Had 325 Million Dollars: Song Sold Separately
Ertel

What would YOU do with a million dollars? It's an oft asked question, right up there with "Are you a cop? Y'know you have to tell me if you are, right?" or "Dude, how much for those 99 cent potato chips?" If you asked me what I would do with a cool million before today, my answer would have been "a Branch-Davidian style compound, where I had multiple wives and would subject my followers to all-night prog-rock jam-sessions, featuring me on all instruments." After all, I'm a one-man band and I don't like sharing credit. But today the idea hit me, "What could I buy with 325 million?" and the answer became all too apparent...a planet.

Religion V. Spirituality: Hint, Religion Loses 
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Oh, it’s on. The torturing-for-Jesus version of spirituality (TJVS) is officially taking on Obamarama. The ultra-religious fear the future, while atheists and liberals are content to occupy it. Half our country can’t fathom a new American chapter and the other half can’t bloody wait: Occupy vs. Tea Party, Left vs. Right, Roe vs. Wade...Monsters vs. Aliens.

Review of the 'Accu-Check Aviva' Glucose Monitoring System
By The Crank
The Crank

Or, as I like to call it, "Ignorance in Design, Futility in Function". As you can probably glean from the title, this is one beige gorilla who will be looking for another way to test my glucose. Years of Twinkies and ‘hecho en Mexico’ Coke have started to take their toll. Maybe Hostess going under isn’t such a bad thing... Meanwhile, my dear Doctor has told me I must take horsey-pill sized meds to help me stave off the seemingly inevitable fat man’s disease...Twinkities.

Flagstaff’s Brew Ha-Ha Gets the Last Laugh
By Mick Zano
Flagstaff Brew-Ha-Ha
Mick Zano

After the Made in the Shade incident, I swore I would never cover another brew festival again. I made this proclamation to my wife the next day, or maybe she told me. Well, the beauty of being me is no longer being burdened with any long or short term memory whatsoever. And, in retrospect, maybe I shouldn’t have gone to that second party afterward.

You Show Me Your Birth Certificate If You Want to See Mine
By The Librarian
The Librarian

When is the stupidity ever going to end? No, not the Daily Discord; they just renewed their hosting. I just can’t understand why anyone would continue to support the ignorance of way too many members of the Republican Party! I know that democracy is composed of many differing factions. I believed that responsible people could disagree on issues and resolve them. Oops, I said responsible people. Can you edit that part out?

The Liz Cheney Interview: Brought to You by the Makers of Nexium
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I live in a very red state. The move was quite volitional, kind of like when I pick at a scab, or order nuclear wings, or luge naked. Yes, I’m a luger, baby, like that song. It may just be a coincidence, but I can’t get MSNBC on the telly anymore. Lately my remote skips from CNN to Fox News. True story. I’m sure this has not been orchestrated by my Governor, Jan Brewer, as I have seen both my cable company and Mrs. Brewer in action, first hand, and neither of them could pull off something this sophisticated.

Alex Bone: Arizona’s New Homelessness Advocate
By Cokie McGrath
Cokie McGrath

Outside the Collapsing Shack, AZ—In a freakish turn of events not seen since that last Crank feature, Alex Bone has sworn off all societal ‘responsibilities’ and ‘obligations.’ Inspired by the Discord’s own ‘Occupy Space’ movement, Bone Man has not only joined the ranks of the homeless, but is working diligently on a statewide movement for others to join him in his crusade against rent, mortgages, and roofs in general.

Nothing Golden Can Stay: Farewell Hostess with the Mostess
By The Crank
Nothing Golden Can Stay: Farewell Hostess with the Mostess

Long before there was Spongbob Squarepants, there was Spongecake Cream Members. But 1/10/2012 marked the beginning of the end. No, it isn’t cataclysmic storms, or giant grasshoppers like that similarly named Peter Graves’ movie. It’s not tsunamis or earthquakes or Mayan Gods either. It’s not even Ahmanutjob flexing his nuclear muscle, nor is it Kim Jong Jr. testing his authoritah. I’m afraid, it’s much, much worse.

Live Blogging the Movie Twilight: Now I Know Why I Hate Anne Rice
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I tried live-blogging the movie Twilight. Never do this. I would rather live-blog a hundred Republican debates in a pool of acid (not LSD). Not sure which Twilight thingy, exactly. Mr. Winslow would never reimburse me for an actual movie ticket, so this was purely a televised event. At least it was a night filled with monsters other than Mitt and Newt for a change.

Discord’s Word of the Day: Googootz!
By The Crank
The Crank

Typically, when a coworker comes to me first thing in the morning with a ‘story’, I feign interest. I might smile and maybe even nod periodically as if listening intently to this intriguing yarn (much in the same way I read Zano posts).

Megyn Kelly vs Andrew Sullivan: Reality vs the Neococoon
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

This post isn’t actually for reading purposes; it’s just my version of blogular therapy. I’ve tried to make a few points in a few posts over a few pints, but reality is a tough nut to crack when you’re dealing with…er, nuts. The truth has little meaning in today’s discourse (or, Discord…). Modern conservatism, in particular, has its own truth, its own facts, and its own version of history. They’re no longer interested in debating events occurring in this dimensional plane of existence, unless it involves Snooki’s antics.

Does the Colbert Surge Mark the End for America?
By Mick Zano
Does the Colbert Surge Mark the End for America?
Mick Zano

Many are mortified how well right wing radical, Stephen Colbert, is polling in the South Carolina Primary. He’s holding at 5%, polling considerably better than John Huntsman, who since stated, "I might as well join the f*^%ing Peace Corps." Some feel this comedic surge may eventually shift Colbert into the position as the anti-Romney candidate. These same folks feel this eventuality could change life as we know it forever!

Winslow Removes the Discord ‘Casting Couch’ from Zano’s Office
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—After losing dozens of potentially talented reporters and multiple lawsuits, the Daily Discord’s CEO finally moved the official Discord ‘Casting Couch’ from Mick Zano’s office. "This latest list of atrocities and abuses marked the last straw," said CEO Pierce Winslow. "And this time I mean it!"

2011 The Discord’s Person of the Year
By The Crank
The Crank

Representative Anthony Weiner, or ex-rep anyway, embodies all that is wrong with the world in a nutsack—er, nutshell. Do we remember any legislation he was responsible for writing or passing? No. Has he left the world a better place? No. Did he respect the office? Well, maybe the TV show.

Stick to Writing Jokes, Mikko: The Zano Rebuttal Rides Again
By The Crank
The Crank

First, let me be the first to congratulate you on the crying Korean-slash-Bachmann joke. Well done, sir. Second, I know Darth Winslow warned me about political commentary—just like the Politicos, he has to pander to his base (all six of them). Yeah, I know, "they are six really smart people!" I’m sorry, dear Winnie, like the spider who kills the goose he’s riding across the river on and drowns, it’s wut ah do.

The Taliban, the Hawks and the Biden "Gaffe"
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The plan in Afghanistan, even under General Stanley McChrystal, was to reach out to the moderate brand of the Taliban and bring them back to the table. This has been the "the plan" since, umm, ever. So, we finally start to implement the thing and everyone goes ape shit? Attacking moderate and radical Muslims alike, as they represent approximately a third of the planet, is madness...or, as I like to call it, modern conservatism. This route will surely find us all committed to a Santorium somewhere. Sorry, Rick. Your turn.

Gripe of Frankenstein: Declining Popularity Forces Monster into Therapy
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing, AZ—After thirty-three failed suicide attempts, the creature known as the Frankenstein Monster was admitted to a local acute psychiatric unit over the weekend. When asked why he had tried to light his whole body on fire, encase himself in ice, and watch the entire Jersey Shore series on Netflix while eating buckets of habanero chicken wings, the monster had this to say...

I Must Retract an Old Retraction as we Retract from Iraq
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Occasionally I have been wrong here on The Daily Discord. I know, I know, say it isn’t so Zano. But a few of my predictions have clearly gone astray.

I still believe, Sanjya!

Surely my biggest miscalculation involves the time frame for the double dip recession. But here’s one I’m taking back. My relatively small list of boo boos just got smaller. I did not support "The Surge" in Iraq. I felt, at the time, it only acted as a Bushian human shield, so he could quietly sneak away to go clear brush or conduct some other task more suitable to his relative skill set.

Author Michael Griffiths' 'Zombie Christmas Story' Rejected for Lack of Gore.
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—The story you are about to read is true, sadly…except the crawdad part and most of the dialogue. OK, the premise is true, the rest is bullshit. After nearly half an hour of grueling work, the infamous zombie author Michael D. Griffiths believed his zombie Christmas story was ready for publication. He could not have been more wrong…

How (and What) Does Santa Know?
By Pierce Winslow
Pierce Winslow

I just whipped out the parents’ ultimate Christmastime argument for good behavior.

"Santa is watching. If you don’t want a lump of coal in your stocking, you’d better go to sleep."

Being an off-the-hook intelligent six-year-old (who miraculously still believes), she asked "how does he know?"

"Did Santa Just Hit On Mommy?" The Department Store Confidential
By Ertel
"Did Santa Just Hit On Mommy?" The Department Store Confidential
Ertel

Ask anyone who works, or has ever worked retail at a shopping mall during the holidays, what’s the most depressingly degrading job one could apply for, or have thrust upon them during the Christmas season, and here's how it will go down. Oh, I should add, the following yule time tale actually happened…sadly.

A Memorable Cranksgiving
By The Crank
A Memorable Cranksgiving
The Crank

Living on the surface of the Sun (aka, Phoenix) does have its benefits. One, you never have to travel to see fambly. They will always come to see you. Let’s see, 19 degrees and snow in New Yawk, or 70 and sunny in AZ. Hmmm.

The Alan Colmes of Facebook and the Comment Thread from Hell
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The following was originally an 85-post comment thread. I rarely got a word in edgewise, but a few inconvenient facts ruffled some Foxeteer feathers, right on cue. What was really funny about this dialogue—which spanned three hours and completely interrupted my pornography download session—was the fact that I was the only non-Foxeteer in the virtual jungle. I am the reason this became an 85-post thread from hell. And I’d do it again…

Horror Author Michael D. Griffiths a Zombie?
By Alex Bone
Horror Author Michael D. Griffiths a Zombie?
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—In a story stranger than even his own dark twisted mind could imagine, Zombie fiction author Michael D. Griffiths has admitted to being a zombie. This has not only shocked his four loyal fans, but has sky-rocketed his Eternal Aftermath book sales to the point of clearing his advance for the first time ever…mostly.

Watching the Recording Industry Shit on Me since the F-ing 60s
By The Crank
Watching the Recording Industry Shit on Me since the F-ing 60s
The Crank

The hysterical lawsuit letter you are about to read is very real, but let’s begin our tale here: in the late sixties, my earliest memories of recorded music involved 45s and albums on an ancient record player, one that my tech savvy brother-in-law managed to hook up to my brother’s accordion amp. Mono Led Zeppelin, lots of bass, who wus better’n me?

How You Lakka Me Now? Noticio to All Fiat S.P.A. Shareholders
By The Crank
How You Lakka Me Now? Noticio to All Fiat S.P.A. Shareholders
The Crank

You stupido bastards, you keepa tella me, "Why u gonna buy Chrysler? Why u waista so much money on such American crap, eh?" I also get lotsa, "U stupido CEO, wherza u brains? Inna u ass?" Anna I getta, "Hey Sergio, whera u woikin nest, eh?" Okay, I’ll stop writing in accent, promise…

Save Some Real Money Supercomittee, Weed the People!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Weed the People, in order to roll a more perfect spliff, establish justice, and ensure domestic tranquility. If you want to do one thing to save an ungodly amount of 'lude, I mean loot, legalize marijuana. You will immediately save on enforcement, generate revenue, cut violence on the border, keep the Ghetto Shaman happy, and free gazillions of non-violent prisoners. Admittedly, the Ghetto Shaman should be jailed for other reasons.

There Ain’t No Church on Fire Tower Road
By Dave Atsals
There Ain’t No Church on Fire Tower Road
Dave Atsals

In the last couple of months central PA saw two major events: an earthquake and a massive flood. Not to mention the earthquake in Penn State. Each event showed the average American’s lack of intelligence. They all made Mick Zano look like Walter Cronkite and the Ghetto Shaman look like the Dalai friggin’ Lama.

Geographical Answers to Global Problems
By The Crank
Geographical Answers to Global Problems
The Crank

Okay, here goes. You want world peace? Well, I think I may have some answers. I want you to look at the globe, not as a mixture of political boundaries, but a world of people sharing a pastime, or addiction, or religion. Frankly, all of this melting pot stuff is a waste of perfectly good marijuana.

Entitled Occupiers, Sociopaths, and those "Free Market" Slaves
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Most Americans fit into one of the three categories above, all nice and tidy like, which I will ridicule each of you for soon enough. First, how do we galvanize this Occupy Movement into something meaningful and lasting, like the second season of Jersey Shore?

Mission to Be Accomplished for Real
By The Librarian
The Librarian

In accordance with his campaign promise in 2008, President Obama has announced that he is withdrawing all American troops from Iraq by the end of this year, an amazing feat. I would expect the whole country to give him a standing ovation – were I delusional.

RIP My Little Bundle of Nuclear Joy
By The Crank
RIP My Little Bundle of Nuclear Joy
The Crank

On Tuesday, October 25, 2011, the last of the United States B-53 bombs was dismantled at the PanTex Nuclear Arms assembly and disassembly plant in Amarillo, TX. A holdover from the cold war, this minivan-sized terminator of all things living or dead, or just ‘Fat Bastard’ to its dissemblers, was about 600x as powerful as the Hiroshima bomb. Amarillo was the obvious choice to mess with this thing, seeing as how no one would notice if said bomb exploded there.

The Haunted Weatherford and the Yahtzee Séance
By Mick Zano
The Haunted Weatherford and the Yahtzee Séance
Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—Arizona was still a territory when the Weatherford Hotel was erected in glorious downtown Flagstaff. The old hotel remains one of the coolest structures in the southwest. It’s the home of the Flagstaff Writing Group and it’s also quite haunted. The majority of the ghost sightings occur in the Zane Grey ballroom, so last week, with an almost unrivaled determination, Alex Bone and I made the intrepid 11 pace march from bar to ballroom.

Aliens Set to Invade Earth have Bagged the Idea
By Alex Bone
Aliens Set to Invade Earth have Bagged the Idea
Alex Bone

Collapsing shack, AZ—After traveling over 300 light beers and listening to the same songs 10,000,000,000 times, the invasion force from the planet Gloom 666 has turned around and decided to give their Earth invasion "a miss."

Rise of the Archeostorageunitologist
By Ertel
Rise of the Archeostorageunitologist
Ertel

I have recently become extremely obsessed with the ever-expanding glut of TV shows about storage unit auctions, people taking one of a kind items into pawn shops and negotiating high-dollar bargains, and/or people rummaging around in dilapidated barns & garages for treasures that, I'm told, are high-dollar items. An antique vibrator?! $300. Thomas Jefferson's own personal butt-plug, hewn from Mount Rushmore? $4,000 all-day. A rare acetate demo of John Lennon fisting Yoko Ono with brass-knuckles? Actually, that could be ANY Lennon/Ono composition. But I'd still pay at least $2,000 for the chance to own it. This is my fault. I'm addicted to junk…thus my interest in joining Team Discord.

Hiking Sedona: The Do’s and the...well, just the Don’ts
By Mick Zano

The following is a real account of the incredible events that occurred on October 17th. These two vaguely-adult-like individuals, Mick Zano and Cokie McGrath, don’t agree on what exactly transpired after their "Occupy Wal-Mart" protest in nearby Cottonwood. Each insists their version of this hike-gone-horribly-wrong is the correct one. We’ll let you decide. The fact both of these intrepid explorers survived this ordeal is a testament to…who cares? But it’s really funny to laugh at them during this classic he said, she said. Enjoy.

Tea Party Chooses Hypocrisy over Religiosity
By The Librarian
The Librarian

The most valuable thing I received from my family of origin was a graduate practicum in hypocrisy before I completed elementary school. Dad believed he was God, and Mom supported his delusion as long as he was always there to pull out her chair and open the car door for her. They intensely disliked the outcome of their tutelage as I developed of my greatest talent, the ability to see through subterfuge to hypocrisy. I have been amused by it ever since.

I Said I Wasn’t Going to Read Zano’s Post, But, Alas, I Did
By The Crank
The Crank

Mikko, I usually forgo reading your diatribes because, well, your diatribes are no longer funny. I don’t like being sad, and you make me sad. Sad is the opposite of funny. I’m sorry, but it’s true, ask anyone. Oh, that’s right…to ask someone you’d have to be on speaking terms with them. Sorry, I forgot the whole "Zano no longer exists in our world" pledge we all took here at the ‘cord.

The Shit Heard Round the World
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Another faction finally emerges, Occupy Wall Street. A rocky start, fer sure, and I condemn their recent attack on the E*Trade baby. But how does one bridge the gap between the Tea Party and this new group? We need a revolution that resonates with more, not less people. Thus far one group seems to be railing against Wall Street and the disparity of wealth, while the other attacks taxation and a growing government. One demands entitlements and the other wants to put an end to them. What’s the answer?  The Transcosmetic Party, that’s what.

Planting the Seeds of Discord and Unintended Consequences
By The Crank
The Crank

Einstein once said for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction*. One smart, hairy Jew, that E fella. Sometimes, a reaction occurs that wasn’t foreseen by the ‘actor’. That is what is known as an ‘unintended consequence.’ The Daily Discord has become the unintended consequences capital of the internet lately and on the national stage…well, that’s even worse.


*Winslow’s note: I know, this is actually Newton’s Third Law of Motion from some 192 years before Einstein was born, but he's on a roll...


Chinatown Vegas: You Go Now!
By Bald Tony
Bald Tony

Not many folks realize there is a Chinatown in Las Vegas. In fact, I was a local for nearly five years before I even found it…and it’s huge! I moved here in the year of the rabbit and didn’t find Chinatown until the year of the flipping ox. You see, Las Vegas Blvd runs north-south, dividing the city east-west, and I have always been an eastsider. Among locals, crossing LVB to go to the other side, whichever side that is, is generally considered unnecessary, stupid, and in some cases criminal.

Chris Christie’s Speech: Revisionist History or Just Plain Bullshit?  You Decide
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I like Chris Christie, at least comparatively.  Unlike his colleagues, this man often refuses to drink from the Cup of Stupid. But in order to win the nomination these days, one must resonate with the asses.  It’s always interesting to see which angle they attempt, bullshit or revisionist history. For this stump speech Christie managed a nice combination of both.  His speech was ultimately a scathing attack on his own party.

Old Singers & 9/11 Don’t Mix
By The Crank
The Crank

In retrospect, when I watched the 9/11 ceremonies in Manhattan from my living room (a misnomer), it struck me, there’s a reason singers who had hits in their twenties shouldn’t try to sing them when they’re pushing seventy.  I watched Paul Simon, folk guitar in-hand, completely butcher "The Sounds of Silence."  You know what would have been more respectful?  Umm, silence?

Top 10: The Best Guinness in Las Vegas Revealed!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

This post is over two years in the making, but only because I just learned how to use Word. It took longer for Bald Tony and I to complete this arduous Irish/Vegas pubcrawl than it took Frodo and Sam to journey to Mordor. Granted, we would have remained at the Green Dragon until the orcs razed the place, but, who knows, maybe Sauron would have kept us on as Middle-Earth beer tasters? Meet the new boss, same as the old boss. Yes Mr. Winslow, I just compared you to a dark sorcerer, but in a good way…really. Oh, on that note, I’ve just released a Nazgul toward Barad dur with our receipts.

Vegas San Gennaro: Leave the Feast, Take the Cannoli
By Bald Tony
Bald Tony

Mick Zano was supposed to come for *sigh* yet another visit earlier this month.  Due to circumstances beyond his control he had to delay a week.  Unfortunately I was working overtime, so it looked like things were going to be a bust.  Then, being the good friend and inadequate employee I am, I timed Zano’s visit with a three day suspension.  Whoo Hoo!  So, to be clear, I would not be getting paid for three days AND spending extra money.   Dave Ramsey would not be pleased.

Searching for New Investors: The Blues Mobiles are Dead
By The Crank
The Crank

Have I got the investment for you! Over the years, as we grow older, our needs change. We start life in diapers, go on to tighty whities, and on to boxers, then, well, back to diapers. We start out sleeping all day, then at night, then not even then, then at night again, then all day, just intermittently. Our lives come full circle, but there is one area that has disappeared from the scene. Old people cars…complete with deploying Depends feature.

Live-Blogging the Republican Debate on Opiates
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

After watching the show Monday night, I have to admit to being wrong.  These candidates are really shaping up to be a prepared, well-informed group of individuals.  Oh, you mean the Republican candidates…I was talking about American Idol.  Sorry.  I only wish Trump and Palin were there to share in the Thorazine love.  Speaking of Thorazine, why isn’t Glenn Beck running?  I think if those three came on board, you’d have a nice representative slice of Americana…the criminally deranged slice.

The Goonification of Lovecraft: Why Universal Pictures is Dead to Me
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Hey Universal Pictures, H.P. Lovecraft is not a Goonies movie!  Since we have been a little Cthulhu-heavy lately here at the Discord, we must mention our insane—clawing at our own entrails—disappointment in the decision to cancel Guillermo Del Toro’s version of At the Mountains of Madness.  Universal insisted Del Toro make this 150-million dollar horror extravaganza with a PG-Rating.  Have you ever read any Lovecraft, Mr. Universal dude? You would have better luck making Shaving Ryan’s Privates a bleeping G-Rating!  …which, by the way, was a really important film in its own right.

He Rode a Blazing Deficit
By The Crank
He Rode a Blazing Deficit
The Crank

In retrospect, as I watched the Circus Minimus, a.k.a. the debt ceiling debacle, my mind started to wander, as it is prone to do without Ritalin. Can there really be this many ideologically enslaved people all in one place? Do they really think we believe the talking points anymore? Then it all came into raging clarity as I watched Blazing Saddles for the 367th time last night. I don’t mean to offend with this culturally insensitive material. It’s Mel Brooks’ fault, honest. If you want to really be offended, check out one of my regular features.

Pierce Pissed About Private Pool Putzes
By Pierce Winslow
Pierce Pissed About Personal Pool Putzes
Pierce Winslow

I have come to the conclusion that most people who own a pool should not. They have no idea how they work, how to take care of them, or how to keep their kids from floating face-down in them on national TV. Of course, Casey Anthony figured out how to parley her mother’s pool into an acquittal, but the vast majority of the rest are oxygen thieves. We’ll start with the mundane…

Rent-a-Center...I Think We Should See Other People
By Mick Zano
Rent-a-Center...I Think We Should See Other People
Mick Zano

Whenever my laptop takes a crap, every few months it seems, I send it to Dell and then march over to my local Rent-a-Center for a temporary replacement…all in the name of keeping this exciting e-zine percolating.  This will be my last visit to Rent-a-Center and this time it’s not because of the beer-soaked flat-screen incident.

Arizona’s Asphalt Jungle: why the City of Glendale can stick its Corrugated Drainpipe up its own Drainpipe
By The Crank
The Crank

As I sit here at my place of employment, gazing out at what has become the biggest fiasco-slash-cluster fuck of any city utility improvement project ever, I can’t help but think, wow, there really are more incompetent people than at the dailydiscord.com.  Hey, if you hyperlink to where you already are does that create a virtual wormhole?  Try it.

You Say You Want a Revolution?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Ahhh, revolution is in the air…someone open a window. The difference between the Arab Spring and the U.S. Fall is simple: the Arab Spring is a series of revolutions designed to overthrow dictatorial despotic governments, while ours is an attempt to create one.  It’s like some Saudi Prince saying, "Hey, let’s gut all regs and let the me market work."

U.S. Border Fence with Mexico Replaced with Banana Peels
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

In a desperate effort to not only protect our borders, but to save the American tax payer's money, the U.S. Senate has authorized the United States' southern border be lined with millions of banana peels.

Damn, I still Hate Facebook
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Hate is a strong word, maybe loathe is better…yeah, fear and loathing on some God-awful social site.  Let’s be clear about this, I’m only on Facebook to promote the Daily Discord, which sucks!   Our other venues grow like social site Chia Pets, even when ignored, but Facebook?  What’s more disturbing, there’s something inherently wrong with Facebook and the whole virtual narcissistic cesspool (VNC).  As John Bender once said, "It’s demented and sad, but social."

Harry Potter: Ten Years I’ll Never Get Back
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The biggest blockbuster of the year is undoubtedly Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows—Part 2. You know it’s a serious movie when I throw in an adverb as big and daunting as ‘undoubtedly’, right from the get go.   The Daily Discord was there to cover this prestigious premiere.  When I say premiere, I mean, a week later during a matinee at the Ghettoplex.  Oh, and Mr. Winslow will probably never reimburse me the admission price.  Bastard! 

Cthulhu Officially Endorses Palin
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

On August 8th, the undulating Cthulhu endorsed Sarah Palin for President of the United States. This Outer God is often described as ...an octopus, a dragon, and a human caricature and is regarded by H.P. Lovecraft as "a pulpy, tentacled head surmounted a grotesque scaly body with rudimentary wings." And that’s just Palin.

Ill-Informed Citizens Unite, form of Tea Bag
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Yeah, I’m done placating the rabble.  Debating a Foxeteer is an oxymoron (hint: I’m the oxy).  Normally I can relate to any given society’s rabble, but today the Homer Simpsons of the world are in complete lockstep with the C. Montgomery Burnses of the world.  Our country doesn’t even have a proper rabble anymore!  The Tea Partiers, those angry Homers, are actually morphing into Smitherses, with one important exception…Smithers knew he was Mr. Burns’ bitch.

Holiday Inn?  How about Holiday Out
By Dave Atsals
Dave Atsals

Holidays are excessive and outlandish, like liberal budgets.  But if you don’t get off work for them, what the hell’s the point? I did a web search on popular U.S. Holidays (I can do these now…with help). I found a list of fifty-one of them.  So let me get this straight, there are more holidays than states in the union?  Which makes me wonder, what would we do on South Dakota Day?  Anyway, I have broken down our holiday cheer into a few arbitrary and quite meaningless categories.

Clemency for Clemens?  Why Lying to a Politician Should Not Only Be Legal But Encouraged
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Let me get this straight, Roger Clemens was doping, but his only actual charge was lying under oath to Congress.  Umm, lying to Congress?  Isn’t that kind of like using magic against Voldemort?  I mean, Congress lies constantly.  This is the only language they understand.  If his deceit is proven in a court of law, maybe Clemens should be forced to represent Texas in the House of Representatives for a two-year term.  Call it perjury duty. 

Life Impaired Protest Ends In Violence
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—Last night, the undead rallied in front of the White House in a bid for unliving free of persecution, prejudice, and violence. The walking dead, many carrying signs smeared with blood and gore, were unable to comment.

The Crank Redeemed!  Everything in my Last Post was Liberal Propaganda
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Once again, the Crank has reduced all eternal truths into someone else’s stock options. So everything is wrong in my last post, eh? Let’s assume he’s right for a moment, ha ha ha hahahaa.  Sorry, that was funny.  Mr. Crank, you have a singular ability to misrepresent all of my positions and points.  Some would call that consistency; I call it something else.

Scientists Lied, Camels Died
By The Crank
The Crank

Ok Mikkey, here is another one of those generalities you hate so much. All your statements on "climate change" "global farting" "death warmed over" or whatever you choose, are wrong. All of them (Geeh, I so love doing that).

No Negotiating with Teabaggerists!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

We are at yet another critical juncture in our history and we have dumb and dumber duking it out in DC.  This is when you have to ask yourself, do you want dumb to stop dumber (D: raising the debt ceiling and revenues and then failing to reduce spending), or do you want dumber to stop dumb (R: those forcing spending cuts only)?  Oh, did I mention there’s also dumbest (the Tea Party who won’t allow any tax increases or any debt ceiling management)?  Good times…

Happy Crankipendence Day: for those who Give a Shit
By The Crank
The Crank

Spiro T. Agnew was right thirty some odd years ago.  He called it how he saw it. The "Press" and its Liberal/Progressive lemmings are exactly what he said they were, "Effete intellectual snobs."  He got his ass handed to him in a mayonnaise jar for that—only he was right on the money.

Made in the Shade Brew Fest: Bring Sunscreen
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—Brew Fests…what are they?  Why would someone attend these things?  What are the inherent dangers?  They don’t want you to know any of this, but I think the information in this post is crucial.  Here are ten simple rules that can save your life at such an event.  So let’s go do the hop.

Fantasy Characters Living Through Real Apocalypses Protest Fake End of Days
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—The Fantasy Adventuring Characters Team or F.A.C.T.s has lodged a formal complaint against, "All nay sayers, doom mongers, rapture renegers and end of dayers."  Those who have survived real fictional apocalypses are not at all impressed with these endless prophetic false alarms.

Climate Change, Global Weirding, and the Universally Wrong
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I’m only going to address the climate change piece from your recent rebuttal, Mr. Crank.  Republicans would have to officially lay me off, permanently, to muster the time and energy required to address your other "points."  You see, there are two types of thinking on your end of the aisle, the first kind kills economies and the second kind kills planets (to channel Dr. Seuss, we’ll call them Thing One and Thing Two) and the whole Thing Two, planet destroying thing is where I draw the line. 

Hey, Mikko, Stop Blowing Wind up My Ass
By The Crank
The Crank

Thank you for the accolades, true that they all are. When you get old enough, and haven’t lived in a cave, usually you get smarter—usually, not always. I do know many stupid old people. It’s called education by default. Now, down to business…

Spendthra VS. Cutzilla: Battle for Earth
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I said I would move our debate forward…ummm, I lied. I’m not saying liberals are the answer, Crankster—I never have—I’m just saying your group is almost certainly never the answer, unless the question is "my toilet’s stopped up." I’m Kidding!! I have those eco-friendly no-flush types. I’m also going to refrain from any-and-all Joe the Dumber jokes.

The Last Supper: Progressive Thought and Reverse Peristalsis
By The Crank
The Crank

You know it’s too late when they start to get that glassy-eyed look—a look that can only be described as a pot head minus the beneficial "medicinal" effects. I recently went to dinner with four progressive familial units (PFU), a setting where I should refrain from speaking on any number of topics. It’s just too much to ask me to choose between Spaghetti Bolognese and terminal heartburn. I like to eat, ok. I’m circumferencely impaired. But listen, family, if you are trying to help me eat less, just keep it up. We’ll call it the Reflux Diet Plan.

Sedona’s Red Rock Café…BWTF?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Sedona, AZ—Before I start making fun of the Red Rock Café, I have to say I am a fan of this joint. It’s my favorite coffee shop in this neck of the cacti.  Their Americano is in the zone and, frankly, that’s all that matters.  However, I really need to point out a huge flaw in this establishment’s architectural and ambiancical prowess.  Yes, ambiancical is a word.  I believe the root word, biancical, means of or like Beyoncé.

I’m Running for President!
By Dave Atsals
Dave Atsals

Hickville, PA—I, Dave Atsals, Daily Discord contributor and bartender, have formed an exploratory committee.  Today, I throw my hat and all other articles of clothing into the ring.  My leadership is needed, for no one is better suited for the job at this critical juncture in human history—at least no one else came to mind at the all-you-can-drink poker game last night.

The Debate We Should be Having: Why My "No Foxeeter Left Behind Program" is Failing
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Egotistical, moi?  When my country is dying, sorry, I’m allowed to be a little miffed.  Frankly, I’m reaaaallly miffed!  Some things we are both angry about, but too much of your outrage is directed at things either blown out of proportion, or likely to be disproven a year from now.  But that’s OK, because by then you’ll be reacting to a whole new batch of false assumptions. 

Dateline: Saturday May 21st 6:00PM: World Ends
By The Crank
The Crank

Oh how I do wish it had come true. After much deep contemplation I have come to this realization—a realization aided by many pulled pork samichiz, Twinkies and Cokes. It is hard work, but someone other than Mikko has to do it. He cannot be trusted. I used to think that people whose opinions differed from mine were smart, caring people whose opinions just differed from mine. Then I started reading Mick Zano columns.

The Economy: $ome Ea$y $olution$ that Can’t Po$$ibly Work
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I hate economics.  If we weren’t about to go tits up, I would much rather be posting something about Why I Hate Light Beer, which I do by the way, but here we are...  The Republicans’ answers for our economic woes are not going to happen, or won’t work anyway.  I don’t know what they’re smoking, but it’s certainly better than the shit the Ghetto Shaman scores me.

Alex Bone Discovered in Belly of Giant Crawdad!
Alex Bone Discovered in Belly of Giant Crawdad!

Collapsing Shack, AZ—In a story of biblical proportions, Alex Bone has put Jonah, Pinocchio, and Natalie Wood to shame. The Discord contributor and Yig enthusiast, missing since early last month, was discovered living inside the stomach of a colossal Crawdad.

Holy Rollercoaster, Batman!
By Mick Zano
Holy Rollercoaster, Batman!
Mick Zano

During my family’s last trip to Las Vegas, my daughter insisted on going on The Manhattan Express at the New York, New York casino.  Never do this.  It’s a harrowing rollercoaster ride, but, even more of a deterrent, it’s right by Nine Fine Irishmen. So what’s a good father to do?  I sent ‘Vegas Great’ Bald Tony on with her, of course, and started toward me Guinness.

Another One Bites the Dust
By Bald Tony
Another One Bites the Dust
Bald Tony

After reluctantly accepting some forms of technology, it looks like another of my old school habits will soon be gone. To put this tale into context, I still own one of those tripod cameras with the dark cloak you throw over your head.  OK, maybe not.  But I bought some 35mm film recently, which was pretty easy and inexpensive, but getting it developed…not so much.

Crankin' from Long Island to Arizona
By The Crank
The Crank

I now call Arizona my home, and have for six years.  But, recently, I started to consider to just what I miss and don’t miss about Lawn Guylin’.  To start with, FOOD plays a big part of what I miss. Hell, food plays a big part of what I AM. And I have news for the people of Arizona: just because an establishment has the name ‘New York’ some-fucking-where in the title, does not mean the pizza will taste as such—unless you have the wrong kinda shrooms on that bad boy.

The Discord Exclusive Sean Hannity/Mick Zano Interview!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Mick Zano: Welcome, Sean.  Thank you for taking the time to talk with me today.  As most of you know, Sean Hannity is one of the biggest names on Fox News and, therefore, one of the biggest names on cable television.  You are, by far, the biggest interview I have ever landed in my quasi-journalistic life, so again, thanks.  May I kiss your rings?

And now for Something Completely Celtic
By Bald Tony
Bald Tony

(For full effect please read in a good Sean Connery voice, or a lousy Mel Gibson voice.) Many people think Las Vegas is just hookers, Cirque du Soleil, casinos, and all-you-can-eat buffets. Sure, those things are thankfully prevalent, but there are also many festivals in the Las Vegas Valley (and on any given weekend Zano has been thrown out of most of them). I have attended the San Genarro Festival several times, the Greek Festival VII times, and I especially enjoyed getting leid multiple times at the Aloha Festival. But until a couple of weeks ago I had always missed the Celtic Gathering & Highland Games.

Celtic Crossings: Best Guinness Pour in AZ
By Mick Zano
Celtic Crossings: Best Guinness Pour in AZ
Mick Zano

Prescott, AZ—This article has been a long time in the drinking. I have several crib notes on this place that have since been completely lost, which is a compliment to the establishment. I found Celtic Crossings a couple of years ago and now it has become one of my favorite Arizona Irish pubs. In fact, this pub changed my life…just not for the better.

The 2011 Cadillac CTS-V Wagon, or Mrs. Vader Your Car is Ready
By The Crank
The 2011 Cadillac CTS-V Wagon, or Mrs. Vader Your Car is Ready
The Crank

One day in the late sixties, Carroll Shelby tried talking Bill Cosby into buying one of his Cobra Super Snake sports cars. For those who remember Cosby’s recording of "200 Miles an Hour," he wanted a car that does 200 mph to get to work. But, after just one ride, he handed back the keys—suggesting this would be better in the hands of a George Wallace, or a Buzz Aldrin, or a Starbuck of Galactica fame. The car was resold to a gentleman who promptly killed himself shortly thereafter. It was not a car to be taken lightly. The new CTS-V wagon is also not to be taken lightly.

Why I Despise Netflix and Want My Old Video Store Back
By Mick Zano
Why I Despise Netflix and Want My Old Video Store Back
Mick Zano

I never thought I’d say this, but I miss the old fashioned video store.  Currently there are over 13,000 movies in my queue over on Netflix and, invariably, on any given Saturday night, none of my choices are in the mailbox.  Whew, good thing I’m out drinking on Saturday nights.

ALIEN UPDATE: The Truth is Really Out There
By Sarah Angelfire
ALIEN UPDATE: The Truth is Really Out There

Sorry for the delay in reporting alien impressions, but I have discovered much while working deep undercover.  No, I’m not reporting on Zano’s Viagra issues…this time.  This gets even stranger than that image, so stay with me here. Sure humans are swell.  On a universal scale, we can do a whole lot more than some other species around the cosmos (that’s even when taking into consideration Daily Discord contributors).

Never Mind that Shit, Here Comes Mongo!
By Mick Zano
Never Mind that Shit, Here Comes Mongo!
Mick Zano

As a psychology dude, sometimes I try to figure out where the right is coming from.  My move from the east coast to AZ was kind of like Dian Fossey’s move to the Serengeti (sorry to nitpick).  Anyway, perusing the headlines on the Drudge Report, I was about to read, More Americans Work for Gov’t than Ever...  I know, I know, but let’s give the right the benefit of the…holy crap!  My eyes shifted to the next headline. Bachmann is out fundraising Romney for the GOP nominee?!  I uttered that old Blazing Saddle’s line, "Never mind that shit, here comes Mongo!"

Bone’s Disappearance Blamed on Crawdad Attack
Bone’s Disappearance Blamed on Crawdad Attack

Alex Bone, contributor for the The Daily Discord, Priest of Yig, and founder of the Men Against Migo Association (M.A.M.A.), was reported missing last weekend. The only survivor of the Bone Gang, Mick Zano, awoke with green hair and an ‘I ♥ Bacon’ tan line across his chest.  He is currently deemed "still too disoriented" to help authorities. 

Crankin’ Up a Shutdown
By The Crank
The Crank

As we near the deadline for our children in Congress to play nice and pass a friggin’ budget, we hear repeated threats of a complete government shutdown (CGS). Oooh!  Noooh! Mr. Bill, stuck on Capitol Hill!  We can’t have that, now can we?  For the world will surely fold up and die, the sky will fall, plagues, locusts, and the elderly will have to eat the locusts!  And the Seventh Seal will start barking or something…

The View from My Guinness: A Stout Pours in Sedona
By Mick Zano
The View from My Guinness: A Stout Pours in Sedona
Mick Zano

I have been living in northern Arizona for almost a few years now and I have both loved and loathed nearby Sedona.  It’s such wonderful place, a place sacred to both the Hopi and hobo alike, and yet there’s always something missing.  One thing that comes to mind is the lack of a well poured Guinness—actually, any Guinness for that matter. 

N.F.L./R.I.P.
By The Crank
The Crank

So here we go. The newest video game is titled "Rich Assholes Battle Rich Assholes II." Only it ain’t a game and WE, the sports minded public, are the ultimate losers. The economy is so far down ‘le crappeurre that even the Roto-Rooter guy has given up. We have a Pres that picks his experts like Bristol Palin picks boyfriends. We are now in THREE fucking wars, doing well enough in each to make Nam look like a swell idea. We are all doing more with less, which is why I now have a word count limit—or at least that’s what Winslow is telling me.

Libya: Two Special Comments, Three Special Swear Words
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

My first beef is with the Community Organizer & King who decided to listen to Hillary I-was-just-starting-to-like-her Clinton instead of Robert nailed-it-as-Secretary-of Defense Gates (but keep in mind, even Rommel would look good after Rumsfeld).  Obama probably thought: hell, the Clintons want action in Libya and so does McCain.  So we need to act…   Normally this would be logical, but what in the last decade has been normal?  Certainly not my blood pressure. 

I’m Waving the Cranky White Towel of Disgust
By The Crank
The Crank

We’re all toast. I can’t argue anymore, Mikko. To paraphrase the Grateful Dead, we’re all goin’ to hell in a hand basket, but where I beg to differ with Mr. Garcia is this: I am NOT enjoyin’ da ride.  The 28 days of February saw the U.S. borrow a record 266 billion dollars. That’s more than most presidents’ YEARLY deficit!   In fact, that’s more than most of the Discord contributor’s combined bar tabs…or pretty darn close.

Sheen Weaver: The Discord is Just Wild about Charlie
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The Sheen phenomenon is unique…er, maybe. Many of these situations are sad, tragic, and pathetic, but I would argue this is different, yet still manages to embrace all three. We all know how this is going to end, or do we? I’m telling you, this one smells different.

Bone Escalates the Invertebrate Conflict into Outright War
By Alex Bone
Bone Escalates the Invertebrate Conflict into Outright War
Alex Bone

Most understand how scorpions loathe their aquatic brothers, the viscous crawdad. Both have segmented bodies, pinching claws, and a burning desire to kill everything that crosses their path. These spineless bastards part ways, however, when it comes to protecting the environment. Whereas scorpions drive Priuses and recycle whenever possible, crawdads are a different story.

The Case for Obama’s Impeachment
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Newt Gingrich is threatening Obama with impeachment due to the imminent constitutional crisis regarding his stance on gay marriage.  So let me get this straight (pardon the pun), secret police, secret prisons, torture, and lying the country into war are not impeachable offenses, but letting Bert and Ernie stop living a lie is?  The sooner Fox News merges with The Onion the sooner the world will start making sense to me. 

Discord Proves Apollo Conspiracy!
By L. Wolfe
L. Wolfe

It’s been 40 years since Apollo 11 and 37 years since Apollo 17, and, perhaps more importantly, 15 years since Ron Howard’s movie Apollo 13.  One would think we’d have made significant advancements in spaceflight since Apollo 17, the last manned space-flight to the moon.  You would also think Ron Howard would have a sequel by now.  The Wright Brothers’ first flight occurred in 1903, and just about 40 years later (1947), Chuck Yeager broke the sound barrier in a rocket-powered aircraft.  Why haven’t we made any advancements in super-orbital space flight in the last four decades?  Because the manned moon landings never happened…  And now we have proof!

There are No Heroes: Pox on Both Yer Budgets!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Obama’s budget marks the first time our Prez has shown less insight than his political adversaries.  No easy trick.  His new budget reduction attempt is a joke.  I don’t believe the theory this is all part of Obama’s master plan.  This is Obama’s completely detached ‘let them eat cake’ moment.  Wait! Michelle won’t let us eat cake anymore;  damn.

Beer Cleansing
By Alex Bone
Beer Cleansing
Alex Bone

I’ve been hearing a lot about all these new cleansing techniques designed to, allegedly, help improve your body, mind, and even your spirit. Some people tend to need such things, not sure why.  It’s not like we’ve run out of beer or anything. Still, who am I to judge? Maybe it works wonders.  There are still many mysteries in the Universe.  The holy feathered serpent knows, only a few souls have found the sacred light of our savor, Yig. May his name be hissed.

What Are You so Damn Proud of Real America?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Sure, I live here in the good old U.S. of A.—you won’t find me anywhere else, at least until my parole ends—but my pride in my country is faltering.  Does this make me un-American? Let’s say America is your child and he or she just started knocking over liquor stores on weekends; isn’t it better parenting to confront that child rather than ignore the problem?  America is like our bouncing baby Lindsay Lohan.  She’s been out drinking all night and the checkbook’s missing again. 

PETA Rebuttal: All U.S. Beef from Free-Range Cattle
By L. Wolfe
L. Wolfe

PETA has argued for years people should boycott meat, especially beef, because of the widespread inhumane treatment of the cattle.  These animals are allegedly caged or housed in overcrowded, dirty holding pens for their entire lives, much like Discord staffers.  I recently interviewed Angus Fleischflanker of Beef.org regarding allegations made by PETA.  The following is an actual transcript from that actual interview that actually happened sometime in the actual past.

Super Game XXVIIV
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Las Vegas, NV–What’s better on Valentine’s Day than some old football coverage?! Somehow I am back in Vegas for the third time already in 2011, which is three more reasons Bald Tony is considering relocating. I am back at the Riviera covering this Super Game, knowing little about football and even less about roman numerals.

Crank on the Super Bowl
By The Crank
The Crank

The guys in the white hats finally won out over the guys with the black hats. Good has triumphed over evil, yet again. No, I ain’t talking about the final score, per se. I am talking about three particular players that had a lot to do with the score. And, believe it or not, one of these players wasn’t even in the game.  

The First Rule of Pizza Club is Don’t Talk About Pizza Club
By Bald Tony
Bald Tony

Las Vegas, NV—Just a few short weeks ago, the Cosmopolitan opened on the Las Vegas Strip, and, of course, the Discord was there to cover it. Of all the neat and wonderful things to discover and enjoy in this newest Strip casino, the biggest surprise turned out to be the pizza place. I have been sworn not to tell anyone where it is. It has no name. Seriously…think of it as the world’s first speakcheesy. No, they're not allowed to use that line.

Rocksongs.com Top 500 and Why I am Involving a Lawyer
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I never much cared for the top ten type list thingies, of course, on a related note, Humor Links.com has The Discord handily beating The Onion, but, then again, only eight people voted this month and seven of them were me.  This post is critical of RockSong.com’s top 500 classic rock songs of all time.  Just to set the record straight, I only pointed out the things that reeeaallly pissed me off…

A Cranky Morning in New York
By The Crank
The Crank

It seems as though the powers that be in New York decided to wrongly arrest over 120 honest Italian-American businessmen for so-called organized crime connections. Thanks to the New York Village Voice here are some of those patriots:

Welcome to My Nightmare: I was a Teenage Barbizon Parent
By Mick Zano
Welcome to My Nightmare: I was a Teenage Barbizon Parent
Mick Zano

So I attended this Barbizon thing, well, from a distance (aka, the hotel bar).  I watched the scores of Barbie wannabes marching into Ballroom A from my stool.

I snuck over and listened outside for a time and heard the speaker say, "We are only going to choose several girls in this room today."

That’s all I needed to hear.

Seven Minutes to Last Call: The Discord Doomsday Clock
L. Wolfe

In 1947, the board of directors of the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists at the University of Chicago first published the Doomsday Clock.  It reflected the potential for catastrophic destruction of human kind (initially from nuclear annihilation and eventually from Daily Discord articles).

Attack of the Barbizons: Everyone Gets a Trophy, I get a Bill
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Nowhere, AZ—So, unbeknownst to me, my daughter fills out this Barbizon form in school and she gets this phone call yesterday to come down to their studio for a free interview.  This meeting is Sunday morning, which is normally our church time.  OK, really it’s Fareed Zakaria: GPS time, over on CNN, which is a religious experience in its own right.  Forgive me Fareed for I have blogged.

ATVs: A-hole Trashy Victimizers and Why I Hate Them
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—Over the past decade the use of ATVs has become more popular than ever, surpassing even the killing of harmless animals, the shooting of illegal immigrants, or other culturally important redneck pastimes (CIRP).   The following observation on those who choose to drive an ATV is sadly accurate.  The names have been changed to protect...I really didn’t get their names.  Too much gurgling from all the blood in their throats. 

A 2010 Zano-Style Rebuttal
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

My New Year’s resolution is no more stories about Fox News.  Oh, oh, wait, but there’s one more thing… The Crank’s view, as always, suspiciously resembles Fox’s and can be summed up thusly: socialism = bad, cutting spending = good.  Very helpful—well, not really—not when this all-or-Fox thinking threatens to block any meaningful fiscal reform.  Here’s what we should be taking away from this year in politics: some Advil.

A 2010 Crank-Style Recap
By The Crank
The Crank

In 2010, the Libertard hoard provided an un-heavenly host of issues to crank upon: religion, socialism, political correctness, all of Mikko's favorite topics. As the year comes to a close and the hoard has been overrun and ousted from at least one branch our government, thank God, the time has come to finalize some key points we should take away from 2010.

Viva Lost Coverage: Zano’s Vegas Coverage Fiasco
By Pierce Winslow
Pierce Winslow

Zano begged me to give him another chance, so, being the kind-hearted soul I am, I decided to dispatch him over to Vegas.  We arranged to have him upload some live feeds to me from the Riviera during the New Year’s Eve festivities.  We were going to incorporate Twitter, it was going to be great—and what did I get for my trouble?  Bupkis.  I got less than bupkis, I got bupk.

The X-Box 360: The Truth is in There
By Mick Zano
The X-Box 360: The Truth is in There
Mick Zano

After the last connection was made, I plugged in my daughter’s new X-Box 360 to herald the start of the virtual holiday season (VHS). Never mind, only Bald Tony still has a VHS. Once complete, a red light suddenly appeared within a foreboding aperture. It stared right at me, nay, right through me. Soon it was moving and following my movements around the room as we played. When I finally went to shut it off, I expected it to say, "I’m afraid I can’t do that, Dave." Machines always call me Dave. I don’t know what that’s all about.

Bill and Dead’s Excellent Adventure, or that Zombie is sooo Cute
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—The following is an actual account of something that happened in my personal life.  Let me tell you what happened to my friend Billy. Well, parts of it…

Christmas No Mas: or How the Crank Saved Christmas
By L. Wolfe
L. Wolfe

It seems each year when Christmas rolls around, we once again hear the outcry of political correctness.  The holiday most celebrated by Americans (and some abroad) goes under siege.  As the Crank points out, Tis the ‘Christ’ out of the Christmas season again.  What’s next?  Take the nukka out of Hanukkah?  Take the Ramada out of Ramadan?  The zaa out of Kwanzaa?  Take the birth out of Birthday?  The Bud out of Buddha?  Wait, scratch that last one. 

It’s Not "The Holiday Season": Insult Removed for Christ’s sake
By The Crank
The Crank

It’s Merry Christmas. It’s Happy Hanukkah. It’s Yo Kwanza. Screw the Solstice. Sticka’ the Wicca.  Fuck the Festivus. Kill all the politically correct shit, please.  If you won’t, I will.  In the immortal words of Bill Bixby, "Don’t make me angry, you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry."

Institutional Inhibitors to US Development: Stand Back & Embrace the Suckage
By Pokey McDooris

Some things have been bothering me lately, like alternate street parking.   I have been trying to wrap my head around all the things impacting our country.  It’s better than what I used to do to with my free time.  Oh, and Potter County Police, you’ll never find her by the river, you bastards!  Mwahahahhaha!

Discord to Flush All Toilet Humor
By L. Wolfe
L. Wolfe

The Daily Discord has ordered a freeze on any further adolescent humor on this site.   Toilet humor, inappropriate pranks, and hurtful juvenile gags are all hereby eradicated from this e-zine.  Evolution is real, so surely this fine publication can evolve as well.  But with this proclamation comes a warning, for if it does not improve in this area, I will no longer be a regular contributor (Pthtthhht).  Oh come on!  Edit that out, Winslow.  Damn you!

Hooping for Homos: Don’t Ask, Don’t…Just Don’t Ask
By Mick Zano
Hooping for Homos: Don’t Ask, Don’t…<i>Just Don’t Ask</i>
Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—Dozens of people came out to support the LGBTQ community in front of City Hall this Saturday in downtown Flagstaff.  Once there, I immediately asked what the acronym LGBTQ stood for, but, as it turns out, I had no pen, no pencil, no paper, and no ability to remember five words told to me in succession. 

Pennsylvanian Women Swept Away by Aliens
By Dave Atsals
Dave Atsals

Central, PA—It seems my region of Pennsyltucky has been invaded by aliens.  Not men from Mars, not arsenic-thriving Mono Lake Monsters, not illegal aliens from Mexico.  These are the most nefarious invaders of em’ all, Southern Gas Workers.

Why I Still Hate Phil Collins and Other Musical Observations
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Hate is a strong word, but in this case it works.  Phil Collins almost single-bandedly ruined the early eighties for me—well, him and what’s her face.  Living on Long Island then, there was a time in my life I could get all these wonderful rock stations like WPLJ, WRCN, and WBAB.  But, in the 80s, at any given time ALL of them could be playing a Phil Collins song.  And, on a really bad day, it could be the same Phil Collins song!

Al Gore , Men In Green, and the HARP that will Destroy Earth!
By Alex Bone
Al Gore , Men In Green, and the HARP that will Destroy Earth!
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—This is some serious breaking news:  now that this distracting election is over, it’s time to push aside useless labels like Tea Bagger, Bleeding Heart Liberal, Limp-Wristed Cow-Kissing Independent, or Humanitarian Sheep-Humping Dingleberry. None of these things matter in the face of the 100 Angry Men and their lacky, nay, their leader, nay, their Supreme Allied Commander…Al Gore. 

In Defense of Our 44th President
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Now that everyone is piling on Obama like a Cambodian stampede, it’s time to come to the aid of my old pal, Mr. Mediocre.  Currently, Bush’s approval rating is 44% and Obama’s is 39%.  Huh?  Granted, Obama’s struggling, but Bush’s approval rating should only be calculable using quantum fractals, pygmy fractions, or perhaps some other non-Euclidian geometry only found down in Whoville on Psilocybin Wednesdays.  Speaking of which, Shaman man…what are ya doing Wednesday?

The Black Calling the Kettle Pot: or Something Like Fat
By The Crank
The Black Calling the Kettle Pot: or Something Like Fat
The Crank

Chris Christie has undeniably become a rather large figure in the present political spectrum. His ascendency to the big chair in NJ has had repercussions nation-wide. He has managed to squeeze himself into a fight with the unions, using his rather large fan base to garner support for his thin slicing of their benefits. If he does decide to run…er, briskly walk for President in 2012, his will be a big suit to fill, for sure. Christie brings a country buffet full of already tried and true ideas to the table. Ahhh, I’m being told to stop now…

Dueling Youtubes
By Mick Zano
Dueling Youtubes
Mick Zano

Nowhere, AZ—Having barely paid off the fines from the last time I was bored, I decided to channel my energies toward Youtube.  Entering this series of tubes that is the internet, I became lost in my own Youtube adventure.  For starters, I played Dylan’s and Guns & Roses’ version of Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door simultaneously.  Never do this.

Jack Primus, The Ghetto Shaman, and All the Chicken Wings they could Rally
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Washington, DC—On Oct. 30th The National Mall was packed wall-to-wall with celebrities attending the Shaman’s Rally to Retrieve the U.S. Soul. After a long weekend of bashing in the skulls of the foul Darcarre, Jack Primus swung east in support of the Discord’s cause.  Being a fictional character doesn’t stop Primus from doing any number of cool things on a given day. You know that dude, the world’s most interesting man, from those Dos Equis commercials? Jack Primus won’t return his calls.

Hawking Names Successor: Scientism, Cthulhu, and the Perennial Philosophy
By Mick Zano
Hawking Names Successor: Scientism, Cthulhu, and the Perennial Philosophy
Mick Zano

In Stephen Hawking’s recent Reuters article Why God Did Not Create the Universe, he asserts, "There is no place for God in theories on the creation of the Universe."

Hawking goes on to say the Big Bang was "an inevitable consequence of the laws of physics."  He then added, "Santa Claus is not real and Angelina Jolie’s breasts are silicone."

Damn you, Hawking!

Cobra Sucks: or why at 42 I want Obamacare to Allow Me Back on My Parent’s Insurance
By Dave Atsals
Dave Atsals

In this age of horrible economic times, amidst constant rallies to restore sanity and/or fear, and/or Honor, or to retrieve the U.S. Soul and/or Other Imortant Things and stuff (God, Zano’s an idiot), I would like to vent my frustration about something completely different, the program known as COBRA. 

Apparently Only Five People Interested in Restoring Sanity in Arizona
By Mick Zano
Apparently Only Five People Interested in Restoring Sanity in Arizona
Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—Deciding against heading to D.C. for my own rally, which is every blogger’s prerogative, I instead attended the Rally to Restore Sanity in my area.  This was a difficult decision for me but, since Winslow wouldn’t let me into the rent-a-car, I opted to stay around town and…damn you Ghetto Shaman!

Debate is the Death of Conversation: Especially with You!
By The Crank
The Crank

I will try, one more time, and then utterly give up and get back to reality television. "But I have a graph, and that makes all your arguments worthless," and, "Bush was worse, his deficits were more!!"  Well, no. You once said to me that Fox lies, and that you can make up stories, but ya can’t make up facts. That is so right, my bearded little troll. There is a graph for everyone. Facts can be manipulated.  You see, two wrongs do not, in fact, make a right. They make a left. Gotcha! (Cogitate on that one, Mikkie).

Another Unnecessary Scathing Personal Attack on Pernick
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Somehow unnecessary wars and the Bush tax cuts never seem to match up to Jimmy Carter’s move to get people into homes.  Do I have to show you the graph again?  The Congressional Budget Office numbers site Bush tax cuts and the wars as the two biggest deficit generators.  The housing debacle is ranked third, and is comparatively much less of a projected issue over time, but I understand how third can be first when seen through the magniFoxing glass.

Midterms Looming: Will Republicans Stop the Budgetary Madness?
By Rick Right Pernick
Rick Right Pernick

It’s less than two weeks until the midterm elections, and people need to be aware of our current debt situation.  It sucks.  This latest adjective comes from the National Council of Economic Advisors.   Actually, it comes from me.  But, having studied the subject intensely, I would like to add a ‘really’ at this time. So now the national debt officially ‘really sucks’.

Fox on Both Your Houses: The Green Meanies and Patriotic Pinheads Deciphered
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The argument last week on The View really highlights the psychological pitfalls the major factions of our country face today—namely liberalism and Foxaryanism.  The first affliction has the common side effect of defending the indefensible, and the second, near as I can tell, is some type of Pervasive Voting Disorder (PVD) that strikes the terminally gullible. 

Serendrunkity and Drinkronicity
By Dave Atsals
Dave Atsals

Many believe we are subject to increasing synchronicities as we spiral toward some type of mass awakening in the near future.  I have noticed this increase in strangely linked events, but only when leveled against my own rising blood alcohol content and when dealing with old, pain in the ass pals who also happen to be fellow Discordians.

Against My Doctor and My Lawyers Advice, I Have Taken Glenn Beck's 40/40 Challenge
Mick Zano

What about Beck? Glenn Beck is an enigma to me, much like algebra. He extrapolates to the point of absurdity; yet, there’s something to be said for this pseudo-intellectual Mr. Magoo from hell. Beck must regularly trip on substances even the Ghetto Shaman can’t get his grubby little hands on, but I’m still not ready to dismiss everything he says.

Is the Liberal Libido Warping Our Children?
By L. Wolfe
L. Wolfe

As I watch my kids grow, I am often amazed at some of the things we, as a society, choose to teach our youngsters. No, I’m not just talking about The Ghetto Shaman’s column, at least this time.  But what are some of these children’s book authors smoking?  This post is a must-read if you are a parent.  Come on, people, has the Discord ever let you down before?  That was a rhetorical question.

Sage Rage: Incarceration for Dummies
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—So yeah, I’m sure this will come as a big surprise to everyone, but I’m an idiot. A big one, in fact, and not just because I’m a nearly seven-foot Viking type. I’m not going to get into the ‘why’ of it now, because I’m already hated enough but, um, I’m stuck taking a bucket-load of court-mandated classes (again), so I have to shell out a lot of cash for the thrill of being permitted to participate in this happiness (hint: never go drinking with Zano and/or a guy named Wog).

Fox News & the Tea Party: Sometimes There Isn’t Safety in Numbers
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Fox News now represents 42% of all media news sources combined! Or as I call it, the Red Badge of Discourage. I can tolerate Chris Wallace, Shep Smith is a likeable goof, and I have even warmed up to the Red Eye crew.  But, truth be told, I only watch their late night antics when my wife throws me out of bed.  So, actually, I’ve been watching a lot of Red Eye lately.

Don’t Tell Me ‘bout Racism, I’m a $@#% Beige Gorilla!
By The Crank
The Crank

The one thing positive to come out of the Obamarama election, ONE WOULD HAVE THOUGHT, was the whole racist thing might finally go away like a persistent case of Herpes Simplex II after the Zovirax treatment (…or so I’m told). Instead, the liberal progressive camp of refrigerator white bearded bald, muscle-less do-gooders (yes, that is a personal attack) has managed to set civil rights back a millennium or two.  Not to mention those embarrassing breakout sores.

Earth is Flat Museum Opens in Kentucky!
By L. Wolfe
L. Wolfe

Despite some setbacks, The Daily Discord is proud to announce the grand opening of the Earth is Flat Museum—ironically located in the hills of Kentucky (in the alley behind Ed’s Wok, next to the Dumpster, across from The Creation Museum).  The museum’s curator, Lloyd "Bubba" Hickenson, had hoped the opening ceremony would be led by Thomas Friedman, but the award winning New York Times’ columnist insists his version of a ‘flat world’ is metaphorical only. 

CNN:  It Isn’t Just For Blitzer Anymore
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I record Fareed Zakaria GPS every Sunday morning on CNN religiously.  Well, I don’t complete the mechanics involved personally; I have people for that.  OK, my 11 year old does it, but she is gradually teaching me how to use my DVR.  Granted, last week’s lesson went poorly, but she did teach me the proper acronym, DVR (apparently, it’s not a VCR or a DVD, it’s some type of alien hybrid). 

Goodstock: Three Months of Jobs, Growth, and Prosperity has Died
By Rick Right Pernick
Rick Right Pernick

The recovery summer, the love child of Barack Obama and Joseph Biden, has gone to the big government program in the sky.  Little Stimuleena was only three months old.  There will be no open casket for this one, folks.  You could lose your lunch.  Oh wait, you can’t afford lunch anymore.  Nevermind.