Sarcastically Salving Society
Home of the Transcosmetic Party
A Place for Raging Moderates, Tragic Optimists, and Integral Outcasts
July 24, 2014
THE NEXT PERSON WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT AQUAMAN UNDEROOS ARE, I'M JUST GOING TO PUNCH • NRA PLANNING "SOMETHING SPECIAL" FOR UPCOMING 75TH SCHOOL SHOOTING SINCE COLUMBINE • OIL TANKER EXPLODES OFF COAST OF JAPAN: NO GIANT MONSTERS CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY • TED CRUZ WINS REPUBLICAN STRAW POLL? THAT’S THE LAST STRAW POLL...YOU BROKE IT. • CLOSE GUANTONOMO: FIVE DOWN, 149 TO GO... I ADMIT THIS POSITION WON'T BE HORRIBLY POPULAR WITH HORRIBLE PEOPLE • IRONY ALERT: ICE FLOES DISAPPEARING FAST, REPUBLICAN THOUGHT GLACIALLY SLOW • OBAMA ASKS THE FIVE RELEASED TALIBAN PRISONERS TO "KINDLY RETURN TO GUANTANOMO" •
TopicsTopics
ContributorsContributors
FeaturesFeatures
Subscribe Now Subscribe Now
Search The Discord Search The Discord
About Us About Us
Contact Us Contact Us
Site Map Site Map
Be our friend...
...with benefits
Show us your tweets...
Follow The Daily Discord on Twitter
...and we'll show you ours
Follow The Daily Discord on MySpace
Dick Cheyney: In My Pants
Presidential All Seeing Eye

Kiester Island

Khamenei Rork and Tattoo Ahmadinejad

Bill Clinton and his Asian Harem

Obama squares of with Gandalf the Gray over Health Care

Tactics to Draw Out Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan Questioned, Danish Mohammed cartoons for sale

Second Inconvenient Truth Linked to Al Gore’s Cross-Dressing

Moe-hammad
The Hand of God
Ask the Ghetto Shaman
Ask the Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How does one reach a deep and spiritually meaningful altered state of consciousness?

Tim the Enlightner



Dear Tim,

Try huffing paint thinner during one of the alternate universe episodes of the TV show Fringe.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Or...no, that's the only way.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I need some help! I need to cleanse my life-funked chakras, Shaman man. Wax on, wax off.

Jasmine



Dear Jasmine,

I can recommend several techniques. All of my latest breakthrough procedures are covered in my latest book Misguided Meditations: The Art of Quantum Pimping.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Skip Chapter 7: Drumming Circle Jerk. Seriously, this is at the request of my lawyer.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I don’t think skullfucking is in any way a contribution to the new age movement. What is your real claim to fame, oh inappropriate one?

Walter



Dear Walter,

I am the first medicine man to point out how peeing is the perfect time to meditate. Read my Zen and the Art of Urinating. It makes for perfect bathroom material.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Space For Sale
Pierce X. Winslow

Space for Sale,

The Ghetto Shaman column is available for anyone who can send funny material to me in a timely manner. I don’t care what his excuse is this time, I don’t care if he lost his fifth grandmother, again, or his parole officer has more stipulations, or he's on another Mad Dog vision quest. I am washing my hands of that new age miscreant!

Pierce X. Winslow

P.S. Send me the goods now, Shaman, or you’ll never work in this virtual town again!

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I started my teen years smoking lots of pot, but then I heard methamphetamine can enhance your sexual prowess. But now after using meth for several years I can’t seem to get a date. Don’t chicks no how cool meth is?

Scabby and Toothless



Dear S & T,

Anything in excess can be counterproductive, young grass-smoker. Try mixing things up with some crack.

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Oh, and chicks no how to spell know.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Man,

Why can't we all live in a spiritual-based-society where everything is fair and people help each other?

David



Dear David,

Just because I'm a Shaman, it doesn't mean I'm an idiot, you damn hippie. Look, most people don't want to give up what they have, but if you do, I need a new a liver. Don't worry, it can be a communal liver.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What do you think of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian spawning? Should they name the baby Taylor?

Vanessa



Dear Vanessa,

Ha ha ha. What’s the opposite of LOL?  OLO? Actually, the baby is mine, because right before Kanye climaxed I jumped in and said, "I’m really happy for you, I’m a let you finish, but Beyonce said I am one of the best in the sack of all time!"

Sincerely,

The Ghetto "of all time!" Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I’m Catholic so to ask a Shaman a question seems a bit counter intuitive, but I do believe that we are all energy and some New Age “hooey” resonates with me. Also, I don’t feel the Church is in alignment with the teachings of Christ.

Ned Flanders



Hi diddly ho neighborino!

Yes, we are energy and that is why Red Bull is the Nectar of the Gods. Oh, and if Jesus visited the Vatican today, he would Guy Fawkes that shit. Just sayin'.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

We have this life to overcome all of the attachments that you seem to advocate. Have you ever been to the rainforests of South America? Have you ever met a real Shaman?

Bardo



Dear Bardo,

Sorry, only one question per customer. I will answer your first question: no, I haven't, but I have been to the Peruvian Amazon.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Stressed out! Yoga not working! Help!

J



Dear J,

Have you purchased any of my relaxation CDs, like Harnessing the Power of Anxiety? Just the price tag alone will start you on your way to accessing the many higher-states of distress. As seen on Jitter and Pacebook. Or, why not try some life-affirming body shots down at your local pub?

You’ll be glad you did.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. It's also the time of year to grab a Guinness. Have you ever seen a stressed out leprechaun?

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book The Power of Now, Bitches and it’s the same title as Eckhart Tolle’s book, The Power of Now.  You just added the word "bitches" at the end.  Is there no limit to your audacity?

S. Latte



Dear S,

Nope…besides, I also added the comma.  It didn’t get there by itself.  If you want to see where I really rip off Tolle, read my masterpiece When Stillness Spews.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What do you make of Xenolinguistics? Cryptic messages coded within hallucinogens, sent to us from aliens or possibly even the mushrooms themselves! What a strange universe where such things can speak to us.

Kevin Starke



Dear Kevin,

Indeed. There are many, many things in this wondrous universe that speak to me that really shouldn't...like women.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Advice please. I’m thinking about using eHarmony or Christian Mingle for some online dating, but there’s disturbing stuff in the news right now and I am concerned about venturing out into the world of E-dating.

Gale



Dear Gale,

Look no further, I have collaborated with the folks at Christian Mingle to create BibleThumperHumper.com. It’s good for all of your spiritual and nookie-related-needs (NRN).

Regards,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Don’t worry, it’s not case sensitive. And they made me put in the lousy acronym joke. Fascists

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What do you think about Chuck Hagel’s nomination for Secretary of Defense?

Wyatt



Dear Wyatt,

I endorsed and supported Thor, the God of Thunder. I’m old school.

Regards,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. I do support the Discord’s nomination of Martha Stewart as the Secretary of the Interior. What she can do with curtains and a few throw pillows...

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I started this with Dear Douchebag, so if it says "Dear Ghetto Shaman" above this, I knew it!!

Gerbs



Dear Douchebag,

Never go up against an established columnist with the power of editorial license. And please pick up a copy of my latest book Expressing Gratitude Through Violence at no additional discount to you.

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. You're supposed to ask a question, douchebag.  See?  You can't win.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What did you think of the movie Django? I think violence is too prevalent in our society and we really need to watch how things are projected through our shadow selves.

Why Z

Dear Why Z,

I loved that movie! That was the one where the little lizard is chased by the hawk through the desert, right? It was a little too violent for me too and it earned it's PG rating. I liked that armadillo, Roadkill. I don't remember any shadow elves but I was chugging malt liquor products at the time. Hey, how else was I going to drown out the sound of those little shits in front of me?

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What is your favorite movie and what is your favorite book?

Becca



Dear Becca,

My favorite movie of all time is Frankenhooker and my favorite book of all time...well, someone should write a book about the movie Frankenhooker.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Instead of my usual column, I thought this correspondence between our CEO and some spammer was enlightening:

Hi,

I'm XXXXXXXX, and I blog at XXXXXXXX I'm wondering if I can offer a guest post to your site? I'm thinking of writing about "How to Improve Your Credit Rating," as I think this post might be useful for your visitors.

What do you think? Let me know if you like the idea or if you have a better suggestion.

Have a great week and thanks in advance.

Regards,

XXXXXXXX



Dear Blackened Rectangle,

Thank you for the offer, but have you actually read our site? I don't think that our visitors would trust us with financial advice. Now the Ghetto Shaman commenting on how to trash your credit rating through alcohol, drugs and Thai hookers, maybe. Thanks again for your interest!

Pierce X. Winslow

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Are you a neat freak or a slob? I’m only asking because this book I’m reading suggests cleaning up your external world before you start addressing the internal. Does that make sense?

Carol



Dear Carol,

I’m OCD, but only in a mystical way. The snake gods are all lined up in size order and the jaguars' claws are all neatly trimmed. And when I'm on shrooms my mystical mansion would put Martha Stewart to shame. But, as for this plane of existence, my room looks like it was dropped from a low flying plane onto a Frat house.

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. After a chug & puke contest.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How will you remember 2012?

Yazzie



Dear Yazzie,

I think this picture below really sums things up for me. Only in my version of reality Peppermint Patty was naked and Lucy wasn’t. Weird, huh?

The Ghetto Shaman

Charlie Brown Adic Trip
Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I heard you were arrested again, and/or in rehab.

Deuce



Dear #2,

Consider your source! Trying to stay in tune with The Discord's new level of journalistic integrity, I was arrested trying to protect my source...and for throwing a tequila bottle at arresting officers. But my source is protected, because, man, he sells the best weed in town, MFs.

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. I know you've said I tend to send you even more material from jail, Mr. Winslow, but this time I'm going on strike until I meet bail. (hint, hint.) Remember, it's not enabling if it brings about real meaningful change.

"I can change, I swear."

-Bob Dylan

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Do you do soul retrievals? Are you like a full on, balls to the walls shamanic healer, or do you ever break down and use western medicine?

Sandy Duncan



Dear I loved you in The Sound of Music,

Where to begin? I don’t do soul retrievals, but I do do bowl retrievals. You know, when it slips between the cushions of my couch when I'm getting zorked. And, yes, I do a lot of western medicine, unless I think my probation officer is around. But I do adamantly refuse to go to doctors. This is an integral part of my spiritual path and my shamanic tradition, so when something’s wrong with me physically I try to ignore it long enough for denial to set in. For instance, it's not burning as I pee right now, it’s simply the Mexican food I had last week.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Or maybe I shouldn't have tried to fuck that tequila bottle.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Have you thought about your New Years resolutions?

Migo



Dear Migo,

No, my tradition involves making end of the year resolutions. This way it's not much of a commitment, so if you don't follow them it's no big deal.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Remember, this year it's not too late to make your end of the world resolutions.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I hope they don't pay you much. You don't seem to do a whole lot except put people down.

Henny



Dear Henny,

I am a spiritual guru, so I never put anyone down, asshole. Here's the thing, I don't get paid much, because our CEO is kind of a skin flint. I do get 10¢ per word and just answering your fool question is going to score me me me me me 40 oz of malty magic. Sorry, I was a coming up a little short this week.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Did you do the traditional Thanksgiving thing this year with turkey, ham, and all the trimmings?

Iggy



Dear Iggy,

Yes. I made off with quite a haul from the refrigerator of that duplex across the street. Same thing every year...different house, of course.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Hallucinogens are finally being recognized in modern western science as beneficial to certain mood disorders. These plant spirits have always been used in ceremonial rituals for tens of thousands of years, and I believe they can actually bring forth things from other realms.

Oceal



Dear Oceal,

Agreed! They do bring forth things from other realms! Like the contents of my stomach onto the bathroom wall and floor....although mostly the wall. I realize that's counter-intuitive, but that's the plant spirits and tequila for you.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I saw this thing on the Discord where you auctioned off your virginity to charity. No offense, but who is going to believe you’re a virgin?

Madonna



Dear Madonna,

This might come as a shock to you, but, despite my best seller The Tao of Skullfucking, I have never been skullfucked.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. All proceeds will go to the Miley Cyrus BYOB Foundation.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How does one remain in a state of grounded ever present awareness when your wife is being such a bitch!

Dan



Dear Dan,

We don't have to react to content, Dan. That is the key. This will enrage your wife, of course, so keep the number for Adult Protective Services handy. They really despise that aloof meditative half-smile as well, so protect your face.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Did you watch how, on election night, Karl Rove calmly accepted his colleague's statement that Obama had won Ohio? That man has truly cleared and opened all of his chakras! He has shifted consciousness itself way up through the sphincter of blissful propaganda.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Where do you live? Were you impacted by Sandy?

Hopes and prayers,

Becca



Dear Becca,

I live under the Market Street Bridge and, yes, I was greatly impacted by Sandy. But she's not going to get a dime of that child support! And stop calling my parole officer, bitch! He knows you're full of shit!!

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Isn’t shamanism simply some misguided romanticism? Isn’t it a rejection of progress via the teachings of a primitive, often savage form of tribalism?

Cindy



Dear Cindy,

Well, it is the way I do it.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. At the risk of sharing too much, when you said "primitive" and "savage" I got a little wood.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Man,

How come it says "updated Fridays" on your site, yet you never update anything until Saturday, if at all?

Roe



Dear Roe,

Dear Mr. Winslow (pretending to be someone named Roe),

Other than Miller time or Happy Hour, time is human bondage...and not the fun kind. Have you heard of Navajo Rez time? It's kind of like that for me, only i use a sundial that a friend of mine recently yuked on. I think it's half past pepperoni, so we should be good this week.

Sinoften,

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Who are you voting for in November?

Shirls



Dear Shirls,

I’m sticking to the person I have faithfully stood behind through thick and thin. I can, without hesitation, fully endorse—you heard it here first on The Daily Discord—Carrie Underwood. She will be American Idol’s winner of the 3rd annual American Country Awards. Mark my words!

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. But I think the award ceremony is in December, not November.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Who do you think should play you in the film (movie) version of your life?

Inquisitively,

George L and Steven S

Hollywood, CA



Dear Directors,

Phyllis Diller just died, so I have no idea. It’s funny you mention that because the screenplay is already written. It’s called The Doors of Deception: a Shaman’s Bail, but we have only raised about 11 dollars from key contributors to proceed with the filming. So we’re close.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I’ve been struggling on the spiritual journey and I’m wondering if there is a difference between suppression and self-discipline?

Half way up the mountain



Dear 50%,

Sure, look at all the different letters in those words. You can’t see that? But to your main point, suppression is only self-discipline squared. They are both products of fear. Living beyond such an internal conflict involves a true freedom that can only be expressed through running down the street naked. Now this is illegal, of course, which only adds to the exhilaration. I think the Discord’s coverage this week of Prince Charles taught us all a valuable lesson. Mainly, the importance of fuzzying out the winky!!! For God’s sake, PhotoShoppers!!! I haven’t seen anything that nasty since Michelle Obama’s new school lunch menu.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Since your Prince Charles coverage, I’m having Post Traumatic Streaking Disorder. Please, I am a young and impressionable Shaman. Thank you Daily Discord, now I may never have sex with old men again.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What's your sign? I'm having a party this weekend and wondering if you could enlighten me and my friends.

Michael

Dear Michael,

Umm, my sign is stop, dude! Actually, as a kleptosexual I'm really into that kind of thing, although i'd be more inclined to cum if your name was Michaela. Besides, I already have a previous engagment this weekend. I'm teaching a seminar on Cultural Incomptence at Carl's Pub...over by the cigarette machine.

Sincerely,

The Ghetto (I wish I was Latino so I could be president) Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Boxers or Briefs?

Jessica



Dear Jessica,

Boxers are too violent and I have been told on more than a few occasions that briefs are vagina repellent, so I usually go commando. To avoid chaffing, you just need to get calluses started on certain parts of your inner thigh and Voilà.

The Commando Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

If you could raise one woman from the dead to sleep with, who would it be?

Sherwood Digger



Dear Freak,

Phyllis Diller

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Mr. Winslow is complaining this is too short this week, so Phyllis Ada Diller.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Did you watch the GOP Convention? If so, thoughts?

Pierce X. Winslow

P.S. If you don't answer this you're FIRED!!!!



Dear Mr. Winslow,

Kind of creeped me out. I know the heart of the GOP is generally old, creepy, and in some stage of advanced cognitive decline, but to wheel out all three from the get-go was a little much. I switched over to TLC's Honey Boo Boo. I could report on that if you'd like?

Respectfully deposited,

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Most Shamans refer to their spiritual tutelage. You, on the other hand, are infinitely vague about your shamanic schooling and sordid past.

Sincerely,

Bob Frantzen

Albany, NY



Dear Bob,

Fine. I was first introduced to the plant intelligence under the guidance of my master, one Chief Bum-a-smoke Shitstorm, of the Kennedy-King Projects over in Newberry. I was initiated on Ibogaine substitute (possibly nutmeg) and ayahuasca substitute (possibly skunked malt-liquor). The plant spirits told me to quit my job, live on the streets, and teach my people. Thankfully, I was one step ahead of them…already fired, homeless, and quite verbose.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Did you watch the Olympics? If so what was your favorite event? What games would you add?

Zeus from Athens



Dear Zeus,

You’re supposed to ask one question, not three, buuuut since you’re a God. Look, there’s some sort of cognitive disease associated with nationalism these days. It shouldn’t be true, but it is. You cheer for your country and the IQ points slide off like clothing on one of my Barely Legal Kundalini Cruises. I would watch the Olympics if they added Shamanic games like naked soul retrieval, astral belching, or long distance Reiki Robotripping.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

The Ghetto Shaman,

Do you follow politics? If so, what party?

Indigo Montoya (YKMFPTD!!!!!)



Dear Indigo,

I lead politics, I don’t follow anyone. Except maybe that one chick, but I was eventually acquitted. And I like to hit all parties whenever possible. Politically, I am a member of the Transcosmetic Party. I have no idea what that means, exactly, but I came so close to understanding it one night on a disturbing combination of mescaline and malt liquor.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. And it took a team of our finest here at the Discord to interpret your acronym. Well done, sir! Luckily we have several Princess Bride fans here on staff.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

When I sent you a question about "transforming your demons, not fighting them", you agreed and suggested I transform them into hot chicks (which you never posted on this site, by the way). But the Buddha's first trial was lust. He would never have obtained enlightenment listening to you!

Lou-E



Dear Lou-E,

Yes, I remember the correspondence. The spiritual development of humanity has surpassed what it was in the Buddha's time. The universe is unfolding and, in some cases, disrobing. I sat under the Bodhi tree, nailed the shit out of everything that walked passed, and beat the Buddha's best time. Fear is still the same trial, though, so don't be afraid to pork away, pal.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How do I kill my ego? What’s the fastest way? I’ve just been stumbling along the spiritual path.

Stumblin'



Dear Stumblin',

Sneak up behind a group of chicks talking about you. It killed mine in under forty seconds.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How does one Awaken the Shaman? I hear this a lot lately and would love to hear your take.

Wendy

Boise, ID



Dear Wendy,

Awakening the Shaman is key! You are very wise. I would approach by the feet or shins and gently nudge me while calling my name softly. Otherwise I wake up swinging. Trust me, you don't want that.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Are there any Cliff Notes for enlightenment? Any shortcuts? I have read everything from Maharishi Mahesh, to Genpo Roshi, to Toltec friggin’ wisdom and I am in a spiritual wasteland, man! I’m not growing compassion, I’m growing old, I'm growing tired, I'm growing ulcers!

Gary



Dear Acid Reflux,

No one can do this for you, Gary. Gurus, meditations, the very Dharma itself can only point you in the direction. In my case that direction would be south. Try rereading chapter two of my Booty Sutras: The Sanctity of the Spank-titty. But If I tell you anymore I could actually hinder your spiritual growth. No, really, I will...

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I moved to a magical place! It has wonderful people with a new agie feel to it. I’m thinking about opening a crystal store. Thought I’d share.

Shelley



Dear Shelley,

That’s nice, Shelley. My little slice of urbania is pretty amazing too. Lots of blue and red lights everywhere and the chicks on the corner are always dressed to the sixty-nines. All of the intersections are decorated with sparkly little bits of glass that shimmer in your headlights as you drive by...oh, and we have drive bys too!

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. And we make our own crystal, Shelley, in basement or mobile labs. Nirvana!

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I have been desperately trying to engage in rough sex, but my boy toy is terribly concerned about harming me. I was thinking about safe words or maybe some good phrases. Do you have any ideas?

Sincerely,

Sub Missy



Dear S&M,

Your safe phrase should be, "I’m calling your probation officer!" and a good word might be "revocation!" Well, those were mine and they worked like a charm, until my sentence was reinstated May of 2007. I am sorry for your loss Mr. and Mrs. Wilkens. I'm just an excitable boy.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Of course, I had to come up with a completely new set for Bubba.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I want to meet my totem animal. How best to bring about this important spiritual encounter? Thanks ahead of time.

Flailing Spiritually



Dear FS,

Your totem animal never needs to be sought. Your totem animal is always right beside you. In fact, I can sense the bond between you and your...oh...oh dear. I hope you didn’t like those shoes. Bad totem animal!

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Try baking soda to get out the smell. You're welcome.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

The key to success is treating every special lady like she’s the only special lady. I know, this sounds simple but trust me brothers...it’s not! The first step is to keep them separated. No good comes from mixing these two groups of fierce females unless of course you’re interested in near death experiences. The next step is to keep all important dates, names, and events separate. There’s nothing like giving "Cindy" a gift for "Candy’s birthday.

Blair



Dear Blair,

What is the question you crazy ass bitch? I answer the questions...you ask the question. How could you possibly mess this up? But you should read my book Balancing Being & Bimbos. It’s a game changer for any and all players.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Crazy bitch

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Is the recent rash of cannibalistic bath salt incidents the beginning of a zombie apocalypse?

Jeets



Dear Jeets,

Yes. Just prior to their arrival, the Mayan Gods often send the devourers to purge the world of flesh. You should probably prepare by purchasing Michael Griffith's novel Eternal Aftermath, wherever fine post-apocalyptic fiction is sold. The movie Motel Hell also covered the subject effectively, because remember it takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent’s fritters.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Face...it’s what’s for dinner.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am depressed, but I’m actually enjoying it. I just love sitting around and moping about and then following it up with some serious feeling sorry for myself time. Isn’t that paradoxical? Should I take meds? Or should I seek more traditional services?

Mindy



Dear Mindy,

I don’t have any "credentials" per se, but I believe I can help. You should celebrate your depression with my new product Spunk be Gone. It’s fast-acting so you’re slow acting ass never has to get off the couch ever again! You might augment your misery by purchasing my work Stillness Burps and Other Gastral Projections. This way you will learn how to look like you're meditating when you're actually sleeping. Chapter four really gets at the heart of your dilemma: I’m Pro-zac but Anti-Depressant.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I loved The Tao of Skullfucking and want to participate. Unfortunately, I’m not sure how to broach this topic with my wife. There doesn’t seem to be a paragraph on this topic in any of those living will pamphlets. You are the master of such things, so what should I do?

Scully Slider



Dear Scully,

The Tao of Skullfucking is a metaphor! You sick, sick bastard!

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Dude,

I noticed a trend at the locker room that's quite startling. No, it wasn't my shocking lack of manhood. That is another topic entirely. I want to know about the latest crave sweeping the nation. Wait for it, manscaping!! I notice, not intentionally, but that other guys are trimming this shit back. I have to admit I have a situation going on down yonder. It’s like a wild, untamed bush beast. What should I do about this dick fro, bro?

Harry Testicles



Dear Harry,

Nair.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. I recently sculpted a bonsai tree out of mine. Just don’t use garden shears. But if you do have a mishap, some universities will purchase your balls for cash! I’ve donated three myself. Woe...there goes another one. Good thing they grow back.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Where the HELL is your material? I am so done with you and your New Age timeliness, deadlines be damned, Zen do-nothingness!

Pierce Winslow, CEO



Dear Mr. Winslow,

My material ended the day I stopped recieving the Round the World in Forty 40s. Remember you signed me up for that monthly malty magic? Well, I stopped getting the shipments. I shotgunned my last case of Schlitz High Gravity last weekend and then I never got my batch of Crazy Stallion. It's as easy to get things right, boss man.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. I'll always take Mad Dog 20/20 in a pinch.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Stocks rally on news you're actually going to post something this week. In particular, crude really tumbles without your important voice.

Mick Zano



Dear Mick,

Yeah, for me it's always a bare market...until the police arrive. Sorry, i'm kind of behind on my fan mail. Some of us don't have the luxury of not getting any, bitch.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

BWTF? How come you don't post an update every Friday morning? Your boss is always making excuses for you. I think he's enabling your continued poor behaviors. Is this truly the way?

Yikes



Dear Yikes,

The Ghetto Shaman will not be posting this week, through no fault of his own, as the Shaman is often in a transcendal state (passed out). Besides, he answers nearly a question a week, a feverish pace. Also, once intoxicated, not only does he make contact with those higher realms, he also attracts those higher authorities, namely the police. I assure you he is very dedicated to the Daily Discord and remains one of our most consistent contributors (at least comparatively). He will be back to answer your questions next week...ish. You can't rush a Zen monk, nor can you rush a drunken monkey like the Ghetto Zenman.

CEO Pierce Winslow

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I have not been able to acquire any of your fine works. The only reference to them on Google originates from this site. I am really curious about your important work The Tao of Skullfucking and I've been wondering if this is a metaphor, or a euphemism, or what.

P. Keller

Dear P. Keller,

No, no, this is quite literal. One must simply learn the proper technique to safely harness the energy of this incredibly profound cosmic act. The deep significance of this sacred skullular uninion can evoke powerful Satori experiences. But if the eyeball can not be popped back into place, please rush your significant other to the emergency room immediately.

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Do not attempt this, under any circumstances, without either attending one of my Satori Skullfucking workshops or sending me a check for $49.95.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Things have changed as my husband has gotten older. I still want to have sex all the time but he’s satisfied with once or twice a week, at most. I’ve tried everything to peak his interest: midgets, swings, toys, swing toys, and manipulating toys in a swing with midgets. Nothing has worked! Shouldn’t my significant other do his husbandly duty? Isn’t he obligated to satisfy my every fantasy and whim? 24/7? Midgets sold separately.

Sixty Nine Sally (that’s not my age or my real name)



Dear 69S,

Yes.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. I sent you my actual cell phone number in the reply email. Oh, and I always BYOM (Bring my Own Midget)

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Chief Seattle once said, "When the Earth is sick, the animals will begin to disappear. When that happens, The Warriors of the Rainbow will come to save them."  I think we are closing in on that time period. Are you an activist? Are you an environmental warrior?

Running Bear



Dear Running Bear,

They used to call me Running Bare, but now it’s a felony. I am part of a complacent activist Buddhist group known as I am That, but not on weekends. And I do hang out with the Warriors of the Rainbow at the bar known as Peaches & Court. There we attempt to save the planet one drunken show tune at a time.

Hope this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I think you’re stepping on the dream of the planet, not to mention my dreams, and you have women issues to boot!!!!

Leanna



Dear multi-exclamation-points,

Many do consider me the Founding Father of Drunken Debauchery. And, yes, women do boot me; that's the issue! But are they really my issues? The restraining orders certainly suggest so. For your wisdom I have sent you a free coupon for my book, Awakening the One Eyed Cosmic Serpent. I suggest you don’t read it. Maybe re-gift it to that special someone in your life. Then suggest that they don't read it.

Hope this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Never give up on your dreams, because one day you really might just wake up naked in class. I have...and I'm not even enrolled anywhere.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Pierce Winslow

The following is a public service announcement:

The Ghetto Shaman column has been cancelled this week due to unforeseen circumstances involving the police, Mad Dog 20/20, and some high grade nutmeg. The Shaman would still like to plug his latest books: Channel Your Aggression into Fast Cash! and the critically exclaimed The Shaman’s Gift and other STDs.

Stay tuned next week for the triumphant return of the Ghetto Shaman…or not.

Pierce Xavier Winslow

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

The Mayans were truly amazing people, but what is cosmogenesis and the galactic code?

Joan Drummond

Albany, NY



Dear Joan,

Cosmowhowhatsas?  The Battlestar Galacticode is on Friday nights on the Sci-Fi Channel.  I believe it’s about Cylons, not Mayans. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

My wife just left me for another man; I hate my boss and my landlord. Everything sucks. I could use some of your wise counsel.

Will-EEE



Dear Will-EEE,

Why do you shirk from these things? Why do you avoid them? Misfortune can catapult us to spiritual awareness. You need to reread my book Turn that Frown Upside Tao: Embracing Life's Suckage.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. If it's any consolation, I plan to just use and abuse your wife and then dump her ass.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Your show All Things Discouraged doesn't resonate much with many of the common premises and assumptions of the New Age Movement. And by "doesn't resonate much", I mean none. Your collective work is pretty much one colossal cosmic contradiction. And when I say "pretty much", I mean totally. And what do you mean by the Dry Hump Sutras?

Terrence



Dear Terrence,

This is as good a time as any to announce this: I will no longer be hosting All things Discouraged. Instead we are happy to introduce Spiritual Questions, Inappropriate Answers. Now to your question: much of the dharma is focused on paradoxes, not contradictions or even contraindications. Speaking of which, I just realized Percocets, Xanax, scotch, and more scotch is also apparently contraindi...............

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Though I actually have no real question, I’d like to offer ‘you’ some advice. After all, I am in a wonderful, long-term monogamous relationship built on love, respect, and trust.

RS



Dear RS,

Is that you Santorum? I told you to stop hitting my contact button because I think you’re a douche.
Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Oh, and I’m seeing your wife and she thinks you’re a douche too. So is Gingrich by the way (no surprise there).

P.P.S. And I’m taking your son fishing this weekend.

P.P.P.S.  Oh, and nice liquor cabinet, but sorry about the scotch thing.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Lemme' Teech U Sumpin', G-H-E-T-T-O. Shaman spelled backwards is Na Mahs, loosely translated from the Sanskrit-Pictish means NO MAS. Hang up yo' diaper, 'cuz yo schtick is gettin' stale. Listen dude, I am a longtime fan. You need to start sellin' sum T-Shirts or sumpin'. Bring back the Juice! By the way, you STILL owe me $20, bitch.
'Lil Trump.

Uoldhaunts, PA



Dear ‘Lil Trump,

Twenty dollar make you holler! I spent your twenty in Thailand, but I swear that boy was at least sixteen. You have to be more specific. I owe a lot of people money. When we do sell T-shirts I will send you one, in lieu of the twenty.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. But I have a copyright on bitch, bitch...and a prescription for penicillin.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

After nearly 30 years, of living a clean and sober life, I'm contemplating getting back into weed. With the failure of the economy, losing my home and my family, it sounds like a good thing to do, as I am allergic to alcohol. However, back in the 70s, Thai Stik is what I used to do. Is that still available, and at what price? If not, what would be a good replacement?

Looosah

Michigan



Dear Loosah,

Thai Stik? Thai Stik is only about three bucks and is available anywhere, even convenient stores. It's very good at removing stains. I believe I’ve used that joke before. Look, Loosah, you should get a second opinion on the alcohol. Allergic? Try rice beer. There’s also gluten free beer, so you can enjoy a taste on par with Schlitz for only ten dollars a pint. Oh, and with hydroponics you will find pot much more potent than the old days, depending on your source, of course. But before you do anything to jeopardize 30 years of sobriety, call your sponsor—as long as your sponsor isn’t Budweiser. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Tide Stik
Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I'm a lesbian and my partner is insisting I where protection. Please instruct?

Monica



Dear Monica,

Just visit GladiatorLesbians.com. I believe they have a virtual mall.

Sincerely,

Can I have your number?

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Life Coach Cokie
Cokie McGrath

How you know you’re married to a man-child:

He needs assistance securely fastening his own seat belt. He may protest, "It’s too hard!" Sadly, that really happened...

He feigns incompetence to get out of doing stuff, i.e., sorry I broke all of your dishes with the sponge again, dear.

When he does anything remotely mechanical I envision a monkey with a gun.

He asks you for "help" as a ploy to get out of things. "Gosh, I just can’t figure out how to feed these darn fish with these flake things."

He’s totally incapable of feeding himself, forks, spoons, chopsticks, bibs all fall short of successfully getting the food into his mouth.

He can’t figure out why he doesn’t have any money. "So I can’t afford those solid gold jet skis?"

He equates taking out the garbage with all the cooking, cleaning, and laundry duties. "We divvy things up even, honey."

The condition of man child (MC) is not likely to get any better and alcohol only exacerbates the condition.

Good Luck

Cokie McGrath

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Hello Ghetto Shaman,

I'm a new contributor to The Daily Discord. Do you have any suggestions, recommendations, or warnings for me?

Thank you,

The Librarian



Dear Librarian,

Don’t go to the Discord Christmas party next week.  Really, don’t. It even scares me. Just let Mr. Winslow mail you the pen set that turns out to be pencils. I believe that constitutes a suggestion, a recommendation, and a warning.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. I'm not kidding...

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I just had this awesome thing happen! I’ve heard it called Mysterium Tremendum by the mystics of old. It’s that ineffable feeling when faced with the awe inspiring compassion of God. It’s like a Zen sandwich, when you are one with Universe wrapped in the sweet bliss of ever present awareness.  I knew you of all people would understand.

Hastings



Dear Hastings,

I think you mean Delirium Tremens, which is what I get when I’m coming down from too much alcohol, or as I call it, the Unholy Spirits. It’s not really fun and the seizures can actually kill. I do get visions but rarely would I describe them as Godlike, unless you mean those bugs that you keep incessantly gouging at your own skin to kill. I think that’s what you mean.  I recommend tapering off the booze with appropriate amounts of benzodiazepines and then switching to pot for a while.

Hope this helps

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Life Coach Cokie
Cokie McGrath

Dear Cokie,

I need help with a situation. There’s a guy I like at work. He’s the total package…overweight, middle-aged, total alcoholic, and married! Did I mention he’s flatulent? Can you suggest ways that I can snag this fine figure of a man?

Chubby Chaser



Dear Chubby Hubby Chaser,

It’s important to take this in stages. First, invite that stud-muffin on a vacation. If his wife inquires about the trip, toss around words like "work related" and "platonic". If that doesn’t work, extend an invitation for a red-hot threesome in another state. Either way, this is sure to be a success, in a domestic violence, restraining order kind of way. If all other methods fail, it’s best to go rogue. For more information on Going Rogue, try Sarah Palin’s book of the same name.

Cokie McGrath 

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Greetings!

Sorry, loyal fans. I was not in jail last week, as Mr. Winslow keeps insinuating, actually I’ve been very industrious lately. I am starting a chain of fast food restaurants called Just Potato Salad! I’m thinking of renaming it Just Potato Salad, Bitches, but I kind of lose some oomph without that exclamation point. Does anyone have an opinion? So far business is slow. Should I consider adding another type of potato salad to my menu? Maybe one with mustard and mayo? I don’t want to get too crazy off the get-go; there’s a lot of overhead associated with a business that involves buckets filled with potatoes and mayonnaise…more than you probably realize.

Somewhat respectfully submitted,

The Ghetto Spudman

P.S. Stands for Potato Salad! ...Bitches!

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Life Coach Cokie: On Social Site Bombing
Cokie McGrath

Don’t worry. The Ghetto Shaman will be back next week. Mr. Winslow doesn’t always get his bail money to him in a timely fashion.

Turning social sites against their owner is an art form. First, be sure to get your target drunk and then gain access to all of his or her social sites. For this little experiment, I used friend and fellow Discordian, Zick Mano. When he went to the bathroom, I friended all of his subordinates, who he would never normally friend, and then proceeded to fire them all. (Now be quick about it, as time is of the essence).

Then when he returned, I talked him into searching and friending a bunch of his ex-girlfriends (lawyers, porn stars, lawyer-porn stars!). Then, when he went back to the bathroom (this is where it’s important to keep the drinks flowing), simply invite all of them for threesomes in a variety of exotic locations. You can invite midgets, politicians, cartoon characters, whomever. Get creative with it. Then just sit back and enjoy the show.

Mick’s exs are funny! One of them even threatened a restraining order. Good times. Be warned, I never recommend drunken self social site debauchery (DSSSB), but when you successfully target a friend, it’s pure entertainment. Keep in mind, these activities can damage friendships, careers, even marriages, but thankfully not your own.

Cokie McGrath

Ask any question and I will answer! At least until the Shaman gets bailed out, of course.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Why doesn’t God want me to have a threesome?

Palfrey



Dear Palfey,

You need to be able to count that high first, dip shit. Oh, and two farms animals don’t count.

The Ghetto Threesome

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Tell Dave Atsals I'm single, but is he single?

Cokie McGrath

Discord Field Reporter



Dear Cokie,

What is this Shaman Harmony or something? Get a virtual room you two. And he’s a coworker, Cokie! It’s unthinkable! Besides, Dave is having a torrid affair with our CEO, Pierce Winslow. He makes him do things on the casting couch…it’s really terrible.  I am soooo burning that video he sent me….OMG am I.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Is Cokie McGrath single?

Dave Atsals

Discord Contributor



Dear Dave,

She’s a coworker, Dave! It’s unthinkable! Besides, Cokie is having a torrid affair with our CEO, Pierce Winslow. He makes her do things on the casting couch…it’s really terrible.  I am soooo deleting that video he sent me….Tomorrow.  Really, tomorrow.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Kidding, she likes chicks. I am soooo deleting that video she sent me. Tomorrow, really.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book Living in Gratitude, Mother Fuckers and…that’s all.

Bob



Dear Bob,

I know, I know, sometimes words can’t describe the ineffable beauty of my writing...mother fucker.

Respectfully submitted,

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

This seems to be a common theme with what I’ve read of your column, but sex drugs and rock & roll are at odds with most teachings of spirituality. What am I missing?

Zitz



Dear Zitz,

A lot of fun, apparently. We have DMT and cannabinoid receptors in our brains. Drugs are an integral part of our heritage, but my boss and my P.O. aren’t buying it. Check out David Lewis-Williams’ work on cave art. He has all but proven that rock art throughout the world has recurrent entoptic/shamanic patterns. When man ingested the first ‘shrooms and gnawed on the first psychedelic roots we finally climbed out of the trees and claimed our birthright—which has widely been regarded as a bad move (D. Adams).

Lewis-Williams’ is one of many scholars who believe the use of hallucinogens actually stepped up our evolution. You can learn more about binge drinking and enlightenment in my latest work Ancestral Party Animal: Voices from the First Kegger.

Hope this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. And at my house hallucinogens have also been successfully used to treat boredom.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I don’t think you get it. I don’t think you have any clue how our elders passed down the knowledge, myth, and the very essence of each and every important culture throughout Mother Earth’s dynamic history.  You have missed some important lessons, Shaman.  

Shonto

Dear Shonto,

Nonsense, I have simply given new meaning to the words ‘long oral tradition.’ 

The Ghetto Cialis

P.S. And is that a totem in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

The other day this owl swooped right in front of me and my girlfriend.  Not at night in broad daylight!  Have you heard of animocracy, or something, telling the future through animal behavior?  Is this a good omen or a bad omen and would you care to comment on omens in general?

Jackson Hole



Dear Jackson Hole,

I am very familiar with animocracy, and I sincerely hope, especially considering the current economic crisis, that animals start to legislate soon.  As for your question about omens: Omen 1: with Gregory Peck was a very good omen.  Omen II: is a pretty good Omen as well.  That scene when the kid drowns under the ice is really creepy.  Omen III: is a very bad Omen.  I don’t think I made it through the whole thing.  Omen IV: remains shrouded in mystery, but I have moved it into my Netflix cue and will let you know soon.  But I don’t remember there being any owls in those. 

Hope this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Did you hear?  Archeologists have discovered ancient sperm in the eye sockets of some Brazilian crystal skulls.  Is this further proof of your Tao of Skull Fucking? Or are the natives just gnawing on too many roots?

Okie4



Dear Okie4,

A rare person who understands my work!   You speak of the Legend of Crystal Skull Humpers.   I think my next book Indiana Jonesing and the Temple of Spooge will vindicate my theory, or put me back in jail. I’m sure it’s one of the two. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What exactly is going to happen in 2012?

Mike Dresden

Smithtown, NY



Dear Mike,

I will no longer be on parole in the State of Pennsylvania. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Halloween is coming up and what do you think is the most likely costume to get me laid? Just curious.

Terri



Dear Just Curious,

If you are a female, I would go with a Wonder Woman costume. But, if you decide to go with this theme, don't try to make-it in your invisible airplane; this is the age of cell phone cameras. If you are a male I would go with a Ghetto Shaman mask. These are available wherever fine Ghetto Shaman masks are sold. If you are a male that likes to hang out at certain clubs, I would go with the Wonder Woman costume. Again, watch the Boeing buggery.

Sin-beerly,

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I saw you got ejected from Kimball’s bar again last week.  Nice.

Detritus

Williamsport, PA



Dear Detritus,

What you call an ejection, I call a spiritual retreat.  You are supposed to ask a question, thus the name of my column, so I will take this opportunity to ask you a question:

Why are you so focused on the actions of others, my friend?  Or were you the one I set on fire during my Bacchanalian Medical Marijuana seminar?

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I was in a public restroom stall the other day and the guy next to me was humming that song, the one that goes, "I hear the secrets that you keep when you're talking in your sleep." I found the whole thing deeply disturbing. Do you think I need therapy or something?

The Mad Hoopster



Dear MH,

...or something. Who am I Dr. fucking Phil? Look, you should never take a dump in a public restroom; that's why God gave us the alley.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am researching out-of-body experiences and came across something called the Akashic Record.  What exactly is the Akashic Record? 

Sierra Swanson

Framingham, MA



Dear Sierra,

I don’t know, but I’m sure it’s available in compact disc by now.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Your work is sad, pathetic, lousy, moronic, and juvenile and, wait, let me hit thesaurasus.com …deplorable, distressing, crappy, and devitalizing.    And The Tao of Skull Fucking is the saddest excuse for literature since your last book Bud-Lightenment: Hemp, Hops and Hotties (but at least that one had some soft porn in it).

Tooksy

Kearny, NJ



Dear Tooksy,

What do you have against the 3 Hs?  OK, OK, you’re right.  I will try to make amends in my next work: The Art of Spiritual Coercion.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  …or not.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I consider myself spiritual, but not particularly religious.  As a gay man I am troubled with some recent so-called Christian thought.   Have you heard about gay conversion?  I think it’s bullshit.  People who convert are either repressing shit or were bisexual in the first place.  How would a shaman address issues for the LGBTQ community?

Rick



Dear Rick,

Social taboos are of little interest to the shaman, which may help explain my police record.  Following one’s true self, whether L or G or B or T or…sorry, I’m lost.   But, if we follow our true self, we begin to vibrate at a higher frequency than those who repress and judge.  So eventually it won’t matter to you what the bigots of the world think.   On a related note, the sages of old remind us, "We become who we worship."  Yet despite hormone therapy and near constant prayer, I still look nothing like Jessica Alba. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book Here’s Your Daily Affirmations, Fuck Face, and it really had in impact on me.  Not a good one.  It’s just, I thought you had to grow compassion and selflessness to reach nirvana.

Jed "Free the Seed" O’Neil



Dear Jed,

Are there not many ways up the mountain, young grass smoker?  I am simply trying to help people find Zen through the art of indifference, which may just be the title of my next book.  Hmmm.  Let’s try it: please buy my latest work The Art of Indifference.   Yeah, I like that…now available through PayPal. 

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Oh, but I would stay away from Nirvana if I were you.  Smells like Great Spirit.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

My master told me a great quote once, "One can acquire everything in solitude."

But I have houseguests that won’t leave.  It’s been weeks, dude!  I want to remain Buddha like, but I need them gone.  I want that solitude back.

JJ



Dear JJ,

You are steeped in great wisdom, my friend.  To augment the work you have already done, please purchase my book: If You See Your Ego on the Side of the Road, Stroke it.

As for your houseguests, tell them, "Life is a journey.  And you can start one, right now, by getting the fuck out of my house, bitches!"

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Have you ever read the book Living Beyond Fear?

Bob

Dear Bob,

Yes, it scared the shit out of me.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How is making issues of spirituality murkier and cloudier helping anyone?  You bring darkness to enlightenment.

Genpo T



Dear Genpo,

You need to do two things to move into the light of cosmic understanding, my friend.  First, contemplate the sound of one cheek farting.  Do this for a year and then read one of my first works: Demystifying Mysticism through Mumbo Jumbo.  If that doesn’t clear things up, I don’t know what will.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

OK, I almost buy this overcoming fear with beer stuff, but can you explain any of this shit without trying to sell me a book?  Oh, and who are the Zen Carnes?

Oceal



Dear Oceal,

Of course I can explain it without trying to sell you a book.  Consider one of my new audio CDs, Change Your Thinking through Drinking.  And, if you act right now, I’ll make mine a double.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  I was raised by Zen Carnes, but I don’t like to talk about it. 

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I accidentally found your work entitled Inspiring Women to Heel.  You control freak sicko! 

Tanya



Dear Tanya,

Thank you for the feedback.  Actually, Sicko was by Michael Moore.  Your confusion stems from having read book 2 first, is all.  Please read Acceptance and Surrender: Why I Insist the Women in My Life Understand These. Only then will you master the Tao of Skull Fucking.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Your last reader nailed it.  You’re preaching about enlightenment, yet you’re glorifying the abuse of alcohol, hallucinogens, and things you probably make in your basement.  BWTF?

Sincerely,

Hal

(I’m not telling you where I live, bitches)



Dear Hal,

Thank goodness for RSS feed cookies, or we’d never have been able to track down all of your personal information and sell it on the black market for Mad Dog money.

Look, I only have a short column through which to convey a ton of important information.  To really understand the true essence of my teachings, you should purchase my latest masterpiece, Opened Heart, Bloated Liver: a Warrior’s Path to Partying.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. BWTF? Is that Big Wet Titty Fun?  … just a guess, but an educated one.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Not sure you are contributing to society. It seems you behave poorly after you’ve been beer drinking and hell-raising.  Maybe you need to switch to wine, or maybe you need professional help.

Sincerely,

Carman



Dear Carman,

Note sure what your question is, but I will address what I can:

A. Sure I contribute to society, just not in a positive way.

B. Wine is for people who haven’t developed a palate for beer.

C. Yes, I do behave poorly when drinking, which may explain my nickmame, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Heineken.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book Tales of Shamanic Debauchery and now I am asking myself why?  What was the point of writing that thing?  And what is your reference in Chapter four to your power animal?  You don’t explain this and then the chapter ends rather abruptly.

Tamisha

Fort Collins, CO



Dear Tamisha,

Sometimes we read without remaining present, our minds often wander and lose focus, so we end up missing critical elements.  That’s not the case with this book.  I was very drunk when I wrote it.  The title should have made that clear.  The chapters end when my transmission from the spirit realm ends.  I usually have some forewarning when the spin monsters descend from the cosmic void.  Oh, and I broke up with my power animal.  So what are you doing Thursday, Tamisha?

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Do you have any nick names or aliases? Just curious.

Greg D.

Straatmore, CO



Dear Greg,

Some call me the Keeper of the Sacred Knowledge. Others call me Dances with Drinks. Still others call me the Man Who Should Stop His Drunken Facebook Posts!

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  And don’t even get me started on Toking Twitter Tuesdays!

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Do you have any advice for the newlyweds, William and Kate?

Sincerely,

Charles & Camilla



Dear royal peeps,

I’m really beginning to question the authenticity of some of these emails…like the last one, Vern from Vernon?  BWTF?  That’s, of course, a shamanic phrase meaning Bustie White Titty Fuckers, which is Persian for…fine, I’ll bite. 

You should have eloped!  Sure you got some tourism benefits, but jolly old England aint so f-ing jolly anymore.   Save your cash, start pinching some pounds.   Wait, that didn’t work. 

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Oh, and tell Kate about my next Rieki Robotripping Retreat. Don’t worry, she’ll get the royal treatment.  

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Since you are such an erudic chap, maybe you can help me out.  I read this passage somewhere: "I see a fountain bubbling with life. Language is not able to reveal this. For the entire eighth, my son, and that are in it, and the angels, sing a hymn in silence."  I forget where I found this quote, but that night I had a profound dream, almost a peak experience.  Do you care to comment?  Do you know what it might mean?

Vern

Vernon, NJ



Hey Vern,

Vern from Vernon?  Really?  Sure I am erudic, phonetically.  Actually, I am a rude dick—it think you wanted erudite.  But I know the quote of which you speak.  I found it through a union with the higher realms and the Wikipedia Gods.   Obviously the "fountain bubbling with life" is reference to an ancient CO2 tap system of some type.  "Language is not able to reveal this" translates as the ineffable buzz of the malt liquor mammas.  "For the entire 8th" is reference to the finishing of the sacred 8th pint, in Buddhism this corresponds to the eight pint path.  Once the aspirant chugs the 8th beer, he or she passes through the challenge of the spin monsters and arrives at enlightenment or, in some cases, the drunk tank.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Either that or it’s about jerking off.  I’m sure it’s one of the two.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I saw you took a header into the gravel outside of Kimball’s last night.  I don’t see how what you are doing can be called spiritual in any way, shape, or form.  I think you even shit yourself!

Dave P.

Turbotville, PA



Dear Dave,

What you call "taking a header" I call a Divine Earth Kiss, besides it couldn’t have been me.  I am banned from Kimball’s.   Either way, it would be in your best interest to read my latest work The Tao of Incontinence.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Could you talk to Eric about getting me back in there?  If they’d let me in I wouldn’t shit myself, now would I?

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Any of your legendary workshops coming up?

Sammy Y.



Dear Sammy,

Yes, May 7th and 8th. Here is a brief itinerary:

Day One:

11:00AM—My Cthulhu Sweat Lodge is back with, Sweating to the Old Ones, where I will harness your orgasmic sexual energy with help from some Deep Ones (actual harnesses available).

1:00PM—Drinking Heavy Cosmic Bar Crawl

11:00PM—Conference call with Charlie Sheen to discuss ‘winning’ and its implications for an enlightened consciousness. 

Day Two:

7:00AM—Time for the old "get up a collection to bailout your guru, bitches" workshop.  This will help your karma and your budgeting skills

8:00AM—Medicine Wheel Healing Workshop with fluids and oatmeal

10:00AM—Advanced Healing Workshop for those still under the spell of the Hangover Gods

12:00PM—Closing prayer and legal waiver signing, all during the Go Home, Bitches song

The Ghetto (Cash Only)  Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

This week we have a Public Service Announcement from the Ghetto Shaman:

Sometimes I am known to joke about things, but this is no joke.  If you ever come across an Airblade in the public restroom—you know, those supersonic things to dry your hands—never EVER try to stick your penis in there.   It might sound like a good idea at the time, but one must remember that the "BLOW" IN "BLOW JOB" IS AN EXPRESSION!  This evil machine hammers home that point, literally. 

Respectfully deposited,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  For the record, a friend told me this…

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How come you only promote your own books?  Don’t you have any other selected readings for your fans?

Marcus

Renton, WA



Dear Marcus,

That could not be farther from the truth!  I often suggest my friend and colleague’s work, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Gift Shop.  For example, I highly recommend his latest work: Islamic Societies & Why They Suck.   He makes some very important and culturally insensitive points. 

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. But if you're only going to buy one book this year, make it my own Ayahuasca: Encounters with Some Freaky Shit in the Woods

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I keep getting my ass kicked.  I’ve been using leatherworking for protective gear to try to move up some levels, but it’s not working out too well.  Any suggestions, so I can become an ass kicking Shaman like you?

Darby

Petaluma, CA



Dear Darby,

You want a World of Warcraft site you imbecile!!!!  I think the best way to get to level 80 quickly is to use a pre-written leveling guide.  Leatherworking and other trade skills take way too long.  Now take your leave from me before I use my powerful ‘flame shock’ on you, bitch!

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Leatherworking…you have way too much virtual time on your hands, dude.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

A note to Charlie:

You are not crazy, my friend. You are suffering from a spiritual crisis.  You’re right, you do not need lithium, you need medical marijuana.  You do not need a societal intervention, you need a spiritual one.  I can assist you with this.  Where many others only see a bottle of Tequila, we see a Guardian Spirit.  Where others only see fart jokes, we see the Dance of the Four Winds. 

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  But you do not need to start your journey with two Goddesses.  So if you send me one Goddess, I will raise you one Shaman King.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Regrettably, the Ghetto Shaman column will not be featured this week.  The Shaman is doing important community service work this week—work assigned by his parole officer.  Kidding.  Actually, he has flown to Japan to stop a nuclear reactor's imminent meltdown.  Kidding. Actually, he has flown to California and is currently conducting a critical intervention on Charlie Sheen.  Kidding.  We don't know where he is and that's, frankly, not that unusual.

If you would like the Ghetto Shaman to answer your question, please feel free to hit the "Ask Your Question, Bitch" button below.   The Ghetto Shaman post will return next Friday...ish.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I’m just wondering, do shaman’s cry?

Kristina H.



Dear Kristina,

I've only cried twice in my adult life, and the most recent was at the end of Karate Kid III. I don’t know how this will help you.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. I am in no way endorsing the movie. It may have been the combination of the company and the ketamine. Now Karate Kid II, that was a movie!

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Yo, yo!

You guize iz da bomb! I tried to pik up Ur chit at Tahriri dude an' mist it. lemme juz say Ghetto Shaman iz rite down wit da Arab yut! Watch dem authoritarian regimes over next cuple weeks an see um skwirm, big man!

Taken' it to da street man, howz dem fine Discord honies mon! Bring em on in Tehran, mon, we gonna get da middle east straight yo all don no what mon!

Lil' chick'n ‘Strutn hiz stuf’

Arab Nation.org



Dear Lil’ chick’n,

What is an "Arab yut"?  I’m having a My Cousin Vinny flashback.

Sorry you missed my tour.  For being such a huge fan, I am sending you a signed copy of The Tao of Skull Fucking.

But what’s your question?  Even the one ‘sentence’ of yours that borders on a question "howz dem fine Discord honies mon!" doesn’t end in a question mark.  This piece is called Ask the Ghetto Shaman, dude. 

When you get my book, I want you to study Chapter 7: Exploring altered states of being and higher levels of consciousness with hookers.  There will be a test.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What is the difference between psychokinesis and telepathy?  And which, if any, have the shaman mastered?

Chad

San Fernando, CA



Dear Chad,

The spelling is totally different, for one.  Duh.  Shamans have mastered both, of course, which makes us psycho-pathic, as my rap sheet will attest.  To prove what I say, I want you to look at this card, drawn at random from an unfettered deck of 52.  Don’t tell me what it is.

Now I am going to concentrate on this card…(almost forgot my bongos).  OK…wait for it…

Is this your card?

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What is the deal with the movie 127 Hours?  It felt like it took that long to end.  It could have been summed up as drank my own pee and gnawed off my own arm.  Besides, wouldn’t drinking your own pee only make you more dehydrated?

James

Irwin, PA



Dear James,

That is not what concerns me.  When one drinks his or her own pee a sacrifice to Yig is required to liberate the soul and ascend to the spirit world.  Perhaps even more disturbing, you should only gnaw of your own arm when you wake up draped over a female of the Coyote Ugly variety. 

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. As many enlightened beings are aware, when one has carnal encounters with someone truly hideous, reaching Double Coyote status, it is customary to gnaw off your second arm so that it never happens again. 

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

You give your readers very little insight into your personal life, for instance, what do you do with your free time?

Clay R.

Muncie, IN



Dear Clay,

If my readers had any insight they wouldn't be visiting this site, but, fine…ahhhh, this week I got stoned, went to Egypt, and punched Anderson Cooper in the face a few times, the usual.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Dude? Malt liquor products? What up wit dat?

Jason M.

Henderson, NV



Dear Jason,

I do suffer from a serious alement, a strange affinity to shitty beer that shamans refer to as Fecal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS).

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Besides hallucinogens, what methods do you use to obtain an altered state of consciousness? I am really interested in expanding my abilities and hope to ultimately reach new levels of awareness, but I am very concerned, as a teacher, to experiment with illicit substances. 

Richard H.

Pasadena, CA



Dear Rudy,

That’s so sad.  How can you teach without feeding your head, dude?  Bottom line, steady rhythmic bongo drumming while under the influence of malt liquor products can guarantee an altered state of consciousness….or, in some cases, vomit-covered bongos.   Ask your doctor if drunken bongo playing is right for you. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book Wake Up & End all Suffering.  And, uhh, there’s a pistol on the cover?  Talk about a mixed message.  You sicko! I don’t know what to say!

Ebb

Nashua, NH



Dear Ebb,

Sicko was actually by Michael Moore, a shaman in his own right.  And I believe the words you seek, but cannot utter, are "thank you". Obviously, you speak for a loved one who found eternal peace from my work.  Otherwise you’re a pretty lousy shot.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Did you know that, statistically, for every successful suicide attempt, there can be over a hundred failed attempts?  That number is too high, thus the inspiration for my book. 

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am a Shaman in training and I was told one of the first things on my Shamanic to-do-list is to try to find my spirit guide to aid me in my quest and my journey. How do I go about finding my spirit guide?

Benny

Haddonfield, NJ



Dear Benny,

Spirit Guide

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Announcement:

My home brews are done, bitches!  My prized dopple bock, the Alternator, is ready to rock & roll, and I just tapped my Kundalini Kolsch (I left out the umlaut because I didn’t know how to spell it).  Also ready for imbibing is my Soul Retrieval Stout, Ecstasy Ale, Sorcerer’s Saison, and there’s still one more batch of my prized Peyote Porter.  Or, if you want something blessed by the goddess of the harvest, try my unfiltered hefe, Three Sheets to the Weiss.

I know I am calling this a beer tasting, but, truth be told, I drink a little too fast to "taste" anything, but whatever floats your brewski boat, bitches.  Taste if you want, chug if you want, but either way come down to my kick off home brew bash, Heaven and Helles, next Saturday under the Market Street Bridge. Dress warmly.  Oh, and if you can’t make the party, buy my book: Altered Stouts of Consciousness: A Home Brewer’s Guide to the Godhead

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Is there any way to contact you other than this contact button? I have a question of a personal nature.  Oh, and do shamans celebrate Christmas?

Jamie D.

Gilbert, AZ



Dear Jamie,

Sure, I just set up a Shamanic Hot Line at 1-800-SafeAuto for just that purpose.  I originally tried 1-800-Shamanic (leave off the last C for Cave) but I'm still working on that one.  I am available 24/7 to answer all of your questions on the first line, and it will really be me, even though I may try to sell you car insurance.  We enlightened folk have to make a living as well, you know.

The Ghetto Shaman  

P.S.  Of course Shamans celebrate Christmas, Jamie.  In fact, it’s up to the Grinch’s lair tonight to pound some egg nog, smoke some mistletoe, and embark on another double-vision quest. Why do you think Moses talked to snakes in the desert? The lush.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

This week I have a very important business proposal to share with you.  If you attend one of my workshops or buy just one of my famous books, you will be offered the opportunity to purchase some Bellagio casino chips for a fraction of their original value.  So, if you purchase such timeless classics as Ayahuasca: Encounters with Some Freaky Shit in the Woods or A Shaman’s Guide to Smokable Houseplants, you can also "acquire" some extra gambling funds for your next trek to Vegas. This is a limited time offer—in fact, I need to dump this shit real quick.  So hit our contact button for more information.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. No Billy666, you should never try that with a melon.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your article Malt Liquor Mindfulness and, all I can say is, what the hell, dude?  Really?  There’s nothing logical or scientific or spiritual about your approach to enlightenment.   Not remotely.

Joey V.

Seattle, WA



Dear John,

Nonsense, I use the scientific method quite rigorously by applying geophysical and biomagnetic concepts to my binge drinking.  Have you ever heard of the Ainu people of Asia and their great Bear Festival? Well, instead of sacrificing a bear, I just transcended one letter to include the plant spirits of hops and barely.  More is explained in my latest masterpiece: Bud Lightenment: Hemp, Hops and Hotties.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I think you embrace all that’s wrong with the world today, Shaman.  You glorify the seedier side of life, filled with drugs and thugs, a place where crap is king.

Mindset



Dear Mindset,

All of life is spirit, not just the peaches and cream.  The warrior’s path leads beyond good and evil to happy hour.  Where you see a Wild Turkey, I see a Crown Royal, where you see a stripper, I see the Sacred Dance of the Pagan Pookas, and where you see the world going to pot…er, I like pot.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Oh, and where you see a bloated Shaman leaving a Mexican restaurant, I see the Dance of the Four Winds. 

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

The Ghetto Shaman column will not be posted tonight due to unforeseen circumstances involving copious amounts of Mentos, Pepsi, hookers, Alka-Seltzer, and Xtreme Sour Apple Pop Rocks.  The authorities are not sure if this was a publicity stunt or a suicide attempt.  

We, at the Discord, like to think he was trying to reach a higher plane of existence through stupidity—by pushing the boundaries of enlightened inappropriateness.  Or, perhaps even more likely, it was some type of ill-conceived bar bet gone horribly, horribly wrong. 

We will keep you posted if and when he regains consciousness.  Meanwhile, the Shaman asks that all of his fans rent Don’t Mess with the Zohan and Zoolander.  If enough people watch these movies at the same time, he believes it will create a tear in the Universe through which he can return to the living.  

Sincerely,

Pierce X. Winslow

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I think you're an f'ing scam. A friend of mine attended one of your "enlightenment" sessions at her university earlier this year, and she told me that you showed up drunk, did nothing but hit on her all night, and the puked all over her after pounding half the punch bowl at the after party. On top of that, she said you broke into the ladies room while she was trying to clean up and stole her bra. WTF dude? I thought you were someone I could trust.

Oh, and BTW, she's thinking about pressing charges. Pig.

Thanks for nothing,

Roxanne



Dear Roxanne,

Sorry it took me five months to respond.  I didn’t want my readers to get the wrong idea.   You didn’t even say what university?  Besides, I usually only frequent high school bathrooms.  Otherwise, I admit it sounds like me.  A lot.  But, look, why is everyone so shocked about what happens at my Hide the Sacred Sausage Workshops in the first place?  Or, when my flyer for an event says, prepare to receive my Big 10inch Spiritual Transmission, there’s always these annoying lawsuits.  Really, people?  Next you’ll be condemning my Pop-a-Cherry Virgin Healing Retreats.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. I’m wearing your friend’s bra, right now.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

My Journey:

Success! On Oct 30th, I prepared the Mad Dog 20/20 in the traditional Toltec manner of opening the top.  I then procured nutmeg from a local spice store.  Actually, someone scored it for me; I’ve been banned.  I ingested the mixture and exited this dimensional plane of existence, stage left.  I fought the Xemmoni, the Darcarre, and the Spin Monsters to reach the spiritual representation of America—in this case, Sam Kinison.  I lost most of his teachings, because of all the yelling, but I did make out: "YOU F***ING WHORE!!! You used me! You never loved me! I hope you slide under a gas truck and taste your own blood! DIE! DIE! DIE! I want my records back! I want my ****ing records back!"

You should all begin to feel different now, somehow lighter, more-centered, more-connected to the Earth and all of its inhabitants.  Now someone post my ****ing BAIL, BITCHES!  AHHhhHhh!  AHHhhhhh!

The Ghetto "Sam" man

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

At the eve of my big rally, I had a thoughtful post prepared.  Then I find Mick Zano trying to host a rally on the same day, same place, with parts of my same rally poster.  I typically don’t like to air dirty laundry like this, but Mick has become increasingly jealous of my popularity lately. He used to be the big gun, but now more fan mail is gradually coming to me.  It’s like over on Fox when Beck started passing O’Reilly.  I know it’s hard moving to a steamy pile of number two, bitch, but get used to it.  And that poster of yours is a cry for help. 

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Oh, and in an effort to continue answering my weekly question: yes, it sounds like an infection, JC.  But don’t pay top dollar at some walk-in clinic or ED, I have a contact for you.  He’s known to most as the Keeper of the Sacred Dime Bag.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ghetto Shaman Set to Take D.C. by Storm!

Ladies and gentlemen,

I recently received a dream message, wholly unforeseen and unexpected, to return to the National Mall in Washington without delay.  This vision summons me to D.C. for the purpose of salvaging what’s left of our fair nation’s spirit.  On October 30th, as I am free to leave the state now, I will partake in a complicated set of rituals for the purpose of soul retrieval.  This is typically done by a shaman for an individual or, in rare instances, for a tribe.  It has never, to my knowledge, been attempted on an entire country, especially one this fucked up. Make no mistake, the arduous journey I am about to embark upon is a dangerous one.  The stakes could not be higher.  I may become forever entangled in the darker realms of the Universe (like Newark) and, if I am unsuccessful, our beloved country may slide further into chaos (like, er...Newark).

If I am successful, my actions will push the world into the coveted Fifth Age of Man. Many of you thought this would not happen until 2012, but, as it turns out, the Mayans forgot to carry a one somewhere. 

Stay tuned for event details.

Your faithful and humble servant,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. As not to break my 2-year streak of answering your fool questions: yes, Jillian, I am into that.  Call me.  

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dearest Ghetto Shaman,

My apologies, but I must disengage from our relationship. My Laurel is withering in the canyon from your lack of attention. Without your spiritual enrichment to fertilize my canyon, I must find satisfaction elsewhere. I am moving to Vegas, perhaps Bald Tony's Rhythmic Séance (BTRS) can bring forth the Genie in my bottle.

A regretful goodbye, your "little flower".

Laurel Canyon



Dear Laurel,

Hey, I may not be the sharpest shaman in the sweat lodge, but I think your email is a tad suggestive.  Sorry, but that was all just pillow talk, baby.  You still have an open invitation to hit my contact button any time.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Just not tonight, I’ll be masturbating to Christine O’Donnell ads

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Help! I turn on one show, like Glenn Beck, and Obama's a plant and we're all doomed. I turn on another channel and everything's getting better. I turn on still another channel and someone's eating bugs! I don't understand the world anymore!

Mark

Seattle, WA



Dear Mark,

Nonsense, you have already identified the problem and the solution. Problem: when one side is in charge they will always say everything is peachy and, when they fall out of power, they will immediately revert to we are all doomed. You have also identified the solution, eat bugs. They are an excellent source of protein. Sadly, this is the only valid point Zano has ever made.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. And as for Glenn Beck, don't worry, he'll be fired from Fox within the first week of the Romney Administration

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Do you have any speaking engagements coming up?  You rock!

Gwenn

Oswego, NY



Dear Gwenn,

I do have a retreat this weekend in the woods by the 7-11.  Develop compassion for your whole self in my Baby Oil Purification Lodge.  Read selected excerpts from my books Inner Paths to Pussy and The Tao of Skullfucking by Bic-light.  Spend your days taking life-altering spiritual hikes, while I hit the bars.  Learn the art of psycho-spiritual sexting, or why not attend one of my Hide the Sacred Sausage workshops?  But don’t take my word for it.  Here’s an actual testimonial:

It’s amazing what he does and stuff.

—Iam  Boink’n’dababeage4cashbitches

See?  What are you waiting for?  Don’t let the extreme cost or your own intuition stop you from something you’ll never forget!

The Ghetto (well, not without therapy) Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Were you raised a Catholic? Did you ever learn, as most of us did, that Moses parted the Red Sea, that God knocked down the walls of Jericho, that Jesus died for our sins and that he rose again on the third day?

Lucinda



Dear Lucinda,

Come out Lucinda, don’t hesitate, Cath-o-lic girls…well, catholic girls won’t let me masturbate.  Damn you, Christine O’Donnell!  What about Benjamin Wanklin and John Handcock?  Have you forgotten our forefather’s vision?  Why do you think they needed to invent glasses?  Sorry, but I just don’t want any Bible-thumping Teabagger telling me I can’t luffa the old spigot now and again.  As Ferguson tells us, "From my cold dead hand!"  As for your question, I don’t think the stories of the Bible should be taken literally.  They should be taken with a pillar of salt.

The Ghetto (‘scuse me while I whip this out) Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I thought your essay on Love, Spirituality, and Spooge was revolting.  Can’t you find something better to do with your free time than demean women?  You give New Age a bad name!

Gale P.

Houston, TX



Dear Gale,

Free time?  I’ll have you know I’m inappropriate to women in the workplace too.  Well, if I were gainfully employed, that is.  But, ahhh, maybe you should give my latest book a miss, Inner Paths to Pussy.  Just saying.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How do you balance your enlightened journey with your alcohol consumption?  The two would seem to work against one another. As I have heard it said, what we love will eventually kill us. 

Chuck

Milford, CT



Dear Chuck,

This is precisely why I keep my X-girlfriends chained in the basement.  Well, one of the reasons.  As for balancing alcohol with a spiritual discipline, you have hit upon the very crux of the matter!  Read my book Living Gaia, Killing Liver and all will be distilled…I mean revealed.  Really, I meant revealed.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Oh Great Ghetto Shaman,

I have been told that when your ears ring, it means that someone is talking about you behind your back. What does it mean when you get that little bit of pre-puke that coughs up into your mouth sometimes?

Thanks,

Intrigued



Dear Intrigued,

It means my...*ahem*...*ack*...excuse me, is a little too big for your mouth.  Sorry, but this line comes from a long oral tradition.  Oh, and that can make your ears ring too (or so I’m told).

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Kidding, of course.  Pre-puke is the Harbinger of Hurl.  There is an old Olmec saying, "Allow the spew to drink more brew."   A wise and noble race…

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,
How come you never mention meditation?  I am beginning to question your wisdom.

L.L.

Draper, UT



Dear L.L.,

Only beginning to question?  You should read my book Meditation Overdose: Driving Under the Zenfluence.  Here is an excerpt:

"To meditate, grab your penis with your right hand if you are right handed, or your left hand if you are left handed, and then pull repeatedly. It helps to hone your visualization skills during this process.  I like to envision monkeys throwing feces at one another, which I am told is decidedly Freudian.  Some say that you’ll need glasses if you meditate too much, but don’t worry, this is a complete misboner. "

The Shucking Bubba Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I think your readers are becoming ever more skeptical of your teachings. What do you think?

Flav7

Chelsea, MI



Dear Flav7

You’re supposed to say "teachings" in quotes, like everybody else. Being a Shaman is not a popularity contest!  Thank goodness (Winslow tells me my numbers suck).  I have had profoundly mystical, life-changing experiences on a regular basis—or as the State of Pennsylvania calls them "charges."

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

In your response to Mauled Forearms, you noted that enlightenment is not a finite endpoint. This intrigues me greatly, as I never fully realized this before your explanation. First, thank you! You truly do speak with great insight. Second, tell me more about this sliding scale of enlightenment. Please give me examples of people and where they fall along this sliding enlightenment scale. For instance: Ghandi, Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, Mother Teresa, Dalai Lama, Abraham Lincoln, and Boy George.

Thank you so much!

16 cent



Dear 16 cent,

Wow, you’re going to make me work this week.  I got a 40 oz malt liquor product that isn’t getting any colder, bitch.  Ken Wilber’s multiple intelligences might help here, like cognitive, moral, emotional, spiritual, etc.  Some people can be high in some areas and low in others.  Mother Teresa was sadly mired in fundamental thought, which ultimately impacted her moral judgment. True story.  Even Ghandi had an ethnocentric streak in his skinny ass—although, he was admittedly high in most other areas (hash, baby!).  Look at our own CEO, Pierce (never-posted-my-fucking-bail) Winslow:  his cognitive and, maybe even, his interpersonal scores are very high, but morals? spirituality?  The guy’s on par with a Bond villain.   But Wilber is for beginners.  For a real advanced course in the evolution of consciousness, I’ve reposted the pic below for your enjoyment.

Proof of an Evolution of Consciousness?
Proof of an Evolution of Consciousness?
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Why are there such universal threshold guardians? People seem to encounter the same creatures in shamanic trances and under certain hallucinogens from Russia, to Mesoamerica, to the U.S. What do you make of jaguars and snakes guarding all the sacred realms and sacred places of the earth and beyond?

Jay M.

Kokomo, IN



Dear Jay,

Like the great mystic Shakespeare tells us, that which we call a bouncer by another name would still be an asshole.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I have recently left my Shaman, whom I have been discipling with for over ten years, because she could not adequately explain enlightenment. I am now looking for a new Raboni, and was hoping that you could help. My previous Shaman had a profound analogy for the path to enlightenment. She would say "Walking the path to enlightenment is like holding a mad, snarling, rabid wolf by the ears. You don't like it, it is difficult, it is frightening, and it is uncomfortable, but you don't dare let it go." I asked what in this story is analogous to achieving enlightenment, the death of the wolf? Or are we forever trapped in this uncomfortable situation? She could not answer. Can you help me?

Mauled Forearms,

Onandaga, NY



Dear Mauled Forearms,

Wow, the path to enlightenment is very similar to dating me! What’s with you people and wolves lately, anyway? Sure, I’ll be your big Raboni, which I believe is a sausage risotto dish.  I think you’re missing out on the fun parts of enlightenment, like orgies.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Enlightenment isn’t some finite end point.  It’s not something you reach, pop open a beer, and bask in one long orgasmic satori.  Where would the fun be in that? Now, having found out the truth, isn’t my orgy sounding better?

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I’m sure you’re familiar with the Hopi tale of the two wolves. Well, judging from reading your "advice," perhaps not. Here it is in a nutshell: An old Hopi Chief told his young grandson that all of us have two wolves inside of us, one good, and one bad. These two wolves are constantly locked in a fearsome fight to the death within us. Quizzically, the young Hopi looked up to his grandfather and asked " Grandfather, which wolf wins?" The old Hopi Chief paused, "The one that you feed…" I think you’re feeding the wrong wolf, bitch.

A True Shaman



Dear True Shaman (whose subtleties do not escape me)

Isn’t Wolf Bitcher on CNN?  Howling Wolf feeds my bluesy soul, dude.  An old Hopi Chief once said to me, "There’s no drinking on the Rez, bitch.  Go back into town for that shit." 

A Truer Shaman

P.S. Oh, and at night I become a wolf…or at least on long weekends. 

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I think I understand what you’re doing. Many teachers choose a darker path in the hopes of shaking their initiates out of their complacency.  This point dawned on me amidst your work The  Tao of Skullfucking during chapter 8: The Sacred Plant Enables Man to Boink the Babeage.  It reminded me of a Ken Wilber quote "Let us, then, you and I, recognize together who and what we are. And I will be with you until the ends of the world, and you will be with me, for there is only one self, which is the miracle of spirit."

Jill Y.

Ely, NV



Dear Jill,

Er, I’m not into long term relationships, Jill.  But, hey, keep buying my books!

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Wilber said this of all beings in the Cosmos: "[they are] easily reminded of ground value, green emeralds each and all, perfect in their glory."  As a being in the Cosmos, I’ll take that as a personal endorsement.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I heard an old Hopi saying, "We are the ones we have been waiting for."  I thought that was really profound.

Mick Guernsey



Dear Mick,

I heard an old Hopi say, "The waiting is the hardest part," and "Don’t come around here no more, bitch."  Wait, that was Tom Petty.  Think he’s a Navajo.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Why do you call all of your fans, bitches?  It doesn’t sound like the best way to build a readership to me.

Tommy G.

Montauk, NY



Dear Tommy,

The word bitches is simply a term of endearment, asshole.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book Mad Dog 20/20: My Guardian Spirit and I really don’t think your Skank’s Healing Dungeon is going to help anyone.   Also, Sarah Palin does not have a new Italian cookbook out called Going Ragu, and the sacred power of pyramids has nothing to do with Amway products.  If you were wondering, that’s just the corrections from the Preface.

Susan R.

Dixon, CA



Dear Susan,

Sometimes it is necessary to make retractions.  You see, enlightenment is not a stagnant thing.  One can continue to grow and share in the splendor of this wondrous unfolding Universe, only through rigorous honesty.   One must always be ready and willing to stand up and promptly admit one’s mistakes.  I think you should do that now, bitch.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

I attended your enlightenment workshops recently, Be Happy, Mother Fuckers, and I am still in therapy.  Who gave you a license to shaman, anyway?

Heidi O.

Selinsgrove, PA



Dear Heidi-Heidi Oh,

Awesome!  Well, I don’t have "credentials," per se, but I do have my second series of workshops coming up, Stay Happy, Bitches.  And, if you attended the first round, you may be eligible for a 10% discount (but there’s only 5% chance of that).

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Therapy, eh?  Not only are you closer to enlightenment, Heidi, you’re creating jobs.  In this economy, I call that win-win.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

In The Lord of the Rings, why aren’t there two dwarf Ringwraiths?  Two of the rings of Sauron were given to the dwarves, right?  So, like, where are the two shrimpy dark riders?  Stuff like this makes me crazy!

Jack P.

Lakewood, NJ



Dear Jack,

Er, the nine kings of men were the Ringwraiths.  Dragons ate the dwarves in those mines, dude, so no short dark riders necessary.  Do I have to teach you people everything?  I think brain chemistry and genetics are the stuff that made you crazy.  Now do the honorable thing and throw yourself into the fires of Mt. Doom, bitch.

The Ghetto Tolkien

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Do you have any paranormal abilities, Shaman? Through an ageless creed I have wrestled the boa and dodged the skin walker on the rocky hills of my ancestors.

Biff F.

Durango, CO



Dear Bifffff,

Oh, yeah, tough guy? Well, I have watched the Apollo Creed box the Rocky Balboa, and I have even TiVo’d the Walker Texas Ranger. As far as paranormal abilities, I have near-death experiences regularly (most involve entering establishments I am currently barred from). Oh, and visiting my ancestors is pretty rocky too—with the restraining order and all.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

My grandfather was one of the Navajo code talkers who used cryptography to help confound the Japanese during WWII. I want to travel to the Solomon Islands, where my grandfather was stationed, but I don’t fly.  If I choose to travel by sea, do you have any advice to help me stay safe?

Scott M.

Ship Rock, NM



Dear Scott,

Cryptography, eh?  What’s the big deal about taking pictures of Mausoleums? To answer your question, this little number always kept me safe for long voyages:

Red skies at night sailors delight.

Red sky in the morning, pass the Visine, bitch.

Hope this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

In an Iboga induced trance (IIT), I have contacted my Ancestral Spirits.  They have instructed me to become a contributor for the Daily Discord.  Do you need any help at this time?

Harry

Lake Grove, NY

P.S.  See, I’m already hip with those lousy acronym jokes.



Dear Harry,

A contributor, really? I think you’ve been chewing on the wrong root, my friend.  Tell your Ancestral Spirits that Winslow is impossible to work for.  Tell them, they should haunt his ass for eternity. You should consider working for a reputable e-zine, like over at NinjaLesbians.com.  I’m trying to get in with those bitches, literally.  Think about it: The Daily Discord or Ninja Lesbians?  Follow the path of the warrior…or, in this case, the naked ninja, hot girl-on-girl action, warrior.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  I don’t listen to my living ancestors, let alone my dead ones.  Do I have to teach you people everything?

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book If You Meet the Buddha on the Road, Get Zyprexa! and, sorry, but the highest teaching in the Tibetan tradition does not involve oral sex.  Who was your teacher, anyway?

Bill

Ely, NV



Dear Bill,

You misunderstand.  All I was saying is that it should.   My teacher is a very old shaman from the Kickapoo tribe, Shits-as-he-Walks Murphy.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

In your book A Shaman’s Guide to Smokable Houseplants, you referenced something called the Golden Age of Public Masturbatory Practices.  Whaaa?

Jon M.

Rehoboth, MD



Dear Jon,

Ah yes, GAPMP.  To fully understand this important aspect of my teachings, you would really have to join one of my weekly enlightenment jerkshops.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am a shaman.  I have lived for many months with the Warao of Eastern Venezuela.  I have consumed wild tobacco, nicotiana rustica, and have had hallucinations of the origins of DNA itself! I have also spoken to the jaguar.  You do a disservice to our ilk.

Tye

Tuba City, AZ



Dear Tye,

Yeah, well I’ve eaten cigarettes and driven around hallucinating about TNA. And I didn’t have to go all the way to Venezuela to talk to my car, bitch.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What is your power animal? Just curious.

Devin P.

Richmond, VA



Dear Devin,

The horse is my power animal. Colt 45 forties to be more specific.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

In your book Ayahuasca: Encounters with Some Freaky Shit in the Woods, what did you mean by your quote, "in parts of the U.S. and Canada the Shaman was restored to the wild"???

P.S. I do not believe you can successfully use malt liquor products as a medium of spiritual transformation.

Fred

Willow Creek, CA



Dear Fred,

I was captured, tagged, and released in Pennsylvania state forest land, along with about twenty other Shamans in the spring of 2004.  It was just another eco-liberal attempt to restore the Shaman to parts of North America, while pissing off as many republicans as possible.  I chewed off my tag, so they can no longer track my migration. 

P.S.  I can transform with malt liquor products just fine! You should see me around last call at Carl’s Pub. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am wrestling with what to do about my mother’s failing health. She is getting up there in years but the idea of a nursing home scares her.  I’m just not ready for this, but I fear she might be.  Thoughts?

Sandy E.

Sierra Vista, AZ



Dear Sandy,

Good news! I would like to announce the grand opening of my new nursing home in northern Arizona, a land sacred to my bartenders.  My nature nursing home retreat can accommodate any number of elderly folk.  Heck, they stack like cord wood.  During the summer months, my program focuses on Sweat Lodging and, for the winter months, I have designed a series of meditations to increase body temperature despite the extreme cold. At my roadside culvert for the aged, I will always be available for your loved one (or at least at the bar across the street).  If suffering is the key to enlightenment, then this program is surely strife in the fast lane

No senior citizen discounts for obvious reasons.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book Plants Speak to Me, Women Don’t and I tried to smoke the houseplants you suggested and i'm not sure you should be encouraging that sort of thing. Oh, and in Chapter 4, what exactly is a blue root boinger?

Donald8



Dear Donald,

What...? You didn't see the disclaimer? Good. You shouldn't read those things. As for your question, let’s just say, it’s a blue root and the Missus won’t complain for about 12 hours. Any longer than that, consult your physician immediately.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ghetto Shaman,

Shamanistic practices are demonic in nature.  A Shaman can open doors, but these doors are not so easily closed. You are toying with some dark practices, sorcerer, practices that can lead to death, possession, or other types of occult bondage.

Susan I.

Moab, UT



Dear Susan,

Oh, you’re no fun anymore.  You do have a point, though.  When I come home really drunk and kick in my front door, it’s really hard to close the next day.  Oh, and on that note, check out one of my favorite lesbian link partners at occultbondage.com.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Are you Mayan?   You look Mayan.  Did you ever have festivals to honor the Feathered Serpent when you were a kid back in Maya?

Ben

Oshkosh, WI



Dear Ben,

I’m old, but not thousands of years old.  Er…Maya? There was a Seven Deadly Sins Festival held each year in my hometown.  Each day would honor one of the coveted deadly sins.  The festival was actually only six days, though, because no one ever got around to organizing Sloth Day.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I’ll take The Lord of the Rings over The Holy Bible any day.  I don’t think the Bible was ever meant to be taken literally.

Mary L.

Billings, Mt

P.S.  Oh, and in your book The Tao of Skull Fucking, who are the Contraceptacons?



Hail Mary,

I agree, the Bible should be taken with a pillar of salt.   You are very insightful.  Mankind can learn much from both Tolkien and The Bible.  For example, when you crucify a dwarf, they get a little cross. 

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  The Contraceptacons died out—most in horrific IUD explosions

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

You tend to glorify alcohol consumption.  I think you are missing the bus here.  The Dalai Lama once said, "Our prime purpose in life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them."

Gail

Rolla, MO



Dear Gail,

Mwwaaaah?  Is it not Ozzy Osbourne who once said, "Being sober on a bus is, like, totally different than being drunk on a bus." 

Check and mate…

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Are you available for speaking engagements? I am hosting an all-female adult movie star convention in Las Vegas in a few weeks and was wondering if you may be available.

Thanks!

Laurel Canyon



Dear Laurel,

Is this a trick question?  Actually, I’m a busy man.  I certainly can’t go to every all-female porn convention that I’m invited to…

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Send the details!  Can I bring Zano, Atsals, and Bald Tony?  They’re usually well behaved at such events.  That didn’t sound convincing, did it?

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What is a psychoactive herb?

Tina

Phoenix, AZ



Dear Tina,

I think it’s the guy I get my shrooms from…

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dude,

Should Obama cave to China and not visit with the Dalai Lama?  After all, they are the Boss now, right?

Chuck G.

New York, NY



Dear Chuck,

The Boss is Bruce Springsteen.

The Dude is the Big Lebowski.

Osama lives in a cave, not Obama.

And only Nixon can go to China (and he's dead; ain't that a bitch?)

Hope this helps,

The Dalai Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I checked out a really fascinating website on Shamans the other day and saw something about Leveling Shamans.  There’s one thing I didn’t understand.  This site recommended Enhancement for most encounters, but only after level 40.  What does this mean?

Freddie 9



Dear Freddie,

Ahhh, I believe that’s a World of Warcraft reference. You mean to tell me, you perused the entire website and you didn’t figure this out?  The most beautiful story in the Universe is that of the Bodhisattva—an enlightened being, who could shift beyond this world at any time, but chooses instead to stay behind to help every person, every animal, and even every rock attain enlightenment.  I think you could make even a Bodhisattva say, fuck it.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Fuck it.  (See?)

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I love your work.  But what do you think that freaky Norway cloud spiral was last month?  I heard thousands of people witnessed this image in the night sky.  Is it some alien Fibonaccian message?  Does it tie in with Mayan Cosmogenesis?  What could create such a freakishly large display?  Do you have any idea?

Vie

Medford, OR



Dear Vie,

The Ghetto Shaman uses his psionic powers

No…

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I think the signs from Revelations are here!  Obama may well be the Antichrist.

"And he shall speak great words against the most High, and shall wear out the saints of the most High, and think to change times and laws."

From the book of Daniel (my emphasis on change).

Devin

Greeley, CO



Dear Devin,

Your emphasis on change, eh?  So God doesn’t use bold and italics?  Blessed is the Microsoft Toolbar. Look, I am the most High and typically the most Drunk and Obama never talks to me.  In fact, he has a restraining order against me!  Don’t you think the Antichrist would be able to get us the Olympics, and maybe some of those death panels?  What law has he managed to change?  You really think Obama’s the Antichrist?  Maybe one of Jerry’s Antichrists.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  My emphasis on really.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

During your last sweat lodge retreat Sex Sauna Sunday, you told the survivors that you never forget a face, because you have the memory of a hippopotamus.  Didn’t you mean the memory of an elephant?

Stephanie

Mechanicsburg, PA



Dear Stephanie,

Whatever… But anyway, glad you made it, kid.  You are a true warrior.  Now don’t forget my workshop next Thursday: Discover Your Gifts and Abilities at the Expense of Others.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I have recently read Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now and I am having a hard time staying in the ever present now.  My chattering mind and my battling ego seem to always be working against me.  Any suggestions on how to improve my meditation skills?

Tara

Eugene, OR



Dear Tara,

You should dump Tolle. I am a greater bridge to all non-dual states, or a Tolle bridge, if you will.  Try my own antithesis to his mindfulness banter: Anti-Zen Living in the Then: Harnessing the Power of Anxiety.  You too can worry your way to Nirvana with my 47 session CD Angst Kit (AK47).  Just the price tag alone will start you on your way to accessing the many higher-states of distress. 

As seen on Jitter and Pacebook.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am wondering about the significance of a personal vision quest as it relates to the greater shamanic tradition.

Ralph

Sioux City, IA



Dear Ralph,

I think Vision Quest is that eyeglass place where you can get your prescription lenses back within an hour.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

You know nothing of Shamanism!  For I have faced the Mysterium Tremendum (the great unknown), swam in shamanic ecstasy, sang to my plant guides, and basked in the glory of the Great Spirit.

Swami Ananda

Brooklyn Heights, NY



Dear Swami,

Oh, yeah…well, I got shit faced on pot, ecstasy, and Delirium Tremens (the great Belgian-style ale), swam naked in the Susquehanna, and stewed in the top-shelf shit myself, Sherlock. 

I believe the chakra is now in your cave.

 The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am a member of the Gender Inequality Project, and I read your book The Universe Loves You More than You Know: Especially If You Pass Out at One of My Parties and my group is considering legal actions to stop you and your ‘so called’ teachings.  I am also very curious as to the reason behind your popularity in the first place. 

Karla

Soho, NY



Dear Karla,

I don’t mind inequality, just as long as it’s done fairly. You should come to one of my parties, Karla.  In fact, bring over your whole lesbo crew!  Tell those bitches to drink up and pass out in my Kamaslutra video room.  Oh, and BYOB.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

In your book Authenticity Through Faking Orgasms, somewhere in Chapter four, entitled Inner Wisdom Inner Twat, it dawned on me, you have deep-seated, unresolved issues with women.  It is as if you are taking a big dump along the mystical path.

John

Framingham, MA



Dear John,

Shit Crappens…

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Read my seventh book Liberation Through Defecation, particularly chapter three, The Fart of War.  Now contemplate the sound of one cheek farting. 

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Do you have any forecast for the near future? A lot of people feel some serious stuff is going to go down in the years to come, and I was wondering about your thoughts on the subject.

Thanks!

Jackie O

Hemet, CA



Dear Jackie,

Here’s my forecast:

2010 2011 2012
Sunny Skies Partly Cloudy 50% Chance of Mayan Gods

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am a Shaman.  During an exotic soul retrieval last Saturday night, I journeyed to the Lowerworld and mistakenly tapped into some very dark spirits.  Mistakes were made and, as a result, I may need to enlist the help of a fellow Shaman to return to the Lowerworld and retrieve what I have now lost.

Nagual Miguel

State College, PA



Dear Nagual,

If I understand you correctly, you were looking for some Thai Hookers in the Rathskeller this weekend.  Instead, you found some stout beer on draft that went down a little too well, if you follow.  So you ended up getting into a fight, you got barred, and/or the bar staff still has your credit card.  Been there, done that… 

I believe I can help.  And by help I mean, beat you to the bar, steal your identity, and buy me a bitching jet ski.  Just send me your birthday and SS# and I will get right on this. 

Hope this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman  

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Let’s say the Mayans really could see into the future, but what if they didn’t tap into the actual events of 2012, but the trailer of the upcoming movie 2012?  It could explain everything!

Steve

Berlin, NH



What if, during your birth, oxygen was not supplied to your brain for several minutes?  It could explain everything!

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Hey,

If you’re so smart, how come in your book A Shamans Wisdom: Stop Limiting Your Spiritual Practice to Pot and Alcohol you left out the possessive in the title?  I would hang a dead chicken outside of your editor’s front door, dude.

Jack

Susanville, CA



Dear Jack,

I did not leave out the possessive!  If a loved one becomes possessived by evil spirits, you can regain control in chapter five of my latest work: Calling Upon the Power of Your Ancestors to Fuck with People. Hope this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am sure about only two things after reading one of your works: the inner paths to enlightenment have nothing to do with a woman’s privates, and you know nothing about the universal truths.

Sally

Laredo, TX



Dear Sally,

The truth needs few words, aka WRONG! Read my book Shamans, Sages, and Sangrias and give me a call…around last call.  And in the immortal words of Melharishi Brooks, don’t wear anything complicated.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How do I know when I’ve found the right teacher?  There are so many fakes and charlatans out there.  This is a big deal.  Any suggestions?  

Staci

West Bend, WI



Dear Staci,

Choosing the right teacher is one of the biggest decisions of your life!  The right teacher traditionally strings half-eaten chicken wings around his neck and smells of alcohol.  And remember, the first step in the journey to self-discovery begins with my latest philosophical treatise: Combining Ancient Wisdom with Hot Girl-on-Girl Action

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dude,

WTF? What is the problem with the Thai stick? Ever since Clinton got back from North Korea with them fine Asian honeys that were "very grateful, he, he" I aint been able to get dat fine Thai stick. Hook me up, dude!

The Wolfenstein and his girly girls



Dear Whatsisface and his chicky chicks,

I’m confused.  Thai stick is everywhere now, even in convenience stores.  I swear by the stuff.  If I’m on a business luncheon and I get food on my tie, it takes even the toughest stains right out.  I carry a tube of Thai Stick® in my house and one for the glove box in my car.  Consider yourself hooked up, dude and dudettes.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am a truth seeker like yourself, but the truth keeps eluding me.  I always feel like I’m on the cusp of figuring something out, but invariably it slips away again.  I only seem to catch glimpses of something bigger than myself. Any suggestions, medicine man?

Charlie

Ocala, FL



Dear Charlie,

I saw your enclosed picture Charlie and, er…I’m not sure there is anything bigger than yourself.  But, as the sutras teach us, the truth is ungraspable.  Unless you manage to sneak up on the truth, grab it around the waist, and slap it on the ass.  Waving a cowboy hat over your head and making the truth say, “who’s your daddy” can also help.  But otherwise the truth is ungraspable, is my point. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Other than your work, which I found to be nonsensical-tripe, what further reading do you recommend for a serious Shamanic wannabe?

Sincerely,

Ted

Scranton, PA



Dear Ted,

Please, you cannot ignore my entire body of work! I can assure you that my next book, Ayahuasca: Encounters with Some Freaky Shit in the Woods will not be so easily dismissed!

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Out here near Seattle, there is a very nice retreat house on Whidbey Island that welcomes all faiths. Could the Ghetto Shaman host a retreat here in the Seattle area?

Phillip

Seattle, WA



Dear Phillip,

I arrange everything through my agent.  But I don’t have an agent.  So no.   An island, you say, hmmmn.  I’ll tell you what, you bring the chicks of all faiths and I’ll bring the Kool-Aid.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Dude!  The ayahuasca experience represents a Shamanic tradition dating back over five-thousand years to the people indigenous of the Amazonian basin.  You can’t just substitute the main plant spirit for Mad Dog, banana red or otherwise!  I think people who are following your “teachings” are in trouble and I think you are insane.

Jake

Abilene, TX



Dear Jake,

Insane, mwaaah?  What was your first clue, Sherlock?  I’ll have you know, I have two close friends from Amazonia, Phoenix, Amazonia to be exact, the Crank and the Zano.  In fact, Zano owes me a six pack.  Remind him of this point if you see him, and remind him of the evil spirits that possess me during the Big Jug Extra Malt detox.  Really, hurry up and tell him…

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Not everyone can afford top-shelf plant spirits.  I am merely providing an affordable alternative for the unwashed asses. 

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I was unfortunate enough to have attended one of your ‘Sin-posiums’ over at Raystown the other night.  During your longwinded infomercial on something called a Rieki Robotripping Retreat: The Three Rs, you kept going on about the ‘foosball gestalt buggers’ as if everyone in the audience knew what the hell you were talking about, and, well, what the hell were you talking about?

Kurt Martins

Jersey Shore, PA



Dear Kurt,

I remember you.  You were that dick, right?  The foosball gestalt buggers, hmmmn.  You’re going to have to be more specific.  Do you remember how I used the term in context?

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

You claim in your latest book, I am the Buddha and so is My Hooker that you are a genuine bodhisattva and the actual reincarnation of the Dalai Lama.   First off, the Dalai Lama isn’t dead yet and, second, as far as I can tell you have absolutely nothing in common with Gautama Buddha. 

Stan

Twin Falls, ID



Dear Stan,

Much like the Buddha, I too abandoned all of my social obligations. And, much like the Buddha, I too, well, that’s pretty much it. But I’m sure I am on the right track.  After all, does not the journey of a thousand miles begin at the Pay-n-Take six pack shop?   Besides, ultimately I’m more of a Bootysattva.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ghetto Shaman,

The Bible tells us God was Isaiah, God was Jesus, God was King Solomon, God was Jonah and the whale. God is present in each and every corner of this vast Universe, but nowhere, sir, do I see God present in you! You are a fraud and a crank!

Michael Barren

Fergus Falls, MN



Dear Michael,

Actually the Crank is the guy with the old gorilla at the top of his column.  I’m the guy with the half-eaten chicken bones around my neck, an honest mistake.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  It would take huffing three kitchens worth of cleaning products before I could understand how God could be both Jonah and the whale.  I will consider that a challenge, sir.  And I will let you know.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I heard you speak last Thursday at that symposium behind the 24 hour coin-op laundry place.  I even took one of your pamphlets, Everybody Have Fun Tonight, Everbody Feng Shui Tonight. And, well, here’s my question:  are masters and shaman reincarnated time and time again, like the bodhisattvas, or is it a one shot deal?  Your lecture was almost contradictory on this point and then, after you threw up, you were kind of hard to understand. 

Roland Parker

Newberry, PA



Dear Roland,

With me it’s never a one shot deal (just ask Pokey or Zano).  Look, the vomit is part of my communion after the great spirits. You’ve heard of speaking in tongues?  I call it speaking in chunks.  As for your question, indeed, a master can manifest into many bodies over many life times.  For example, last weekend I managed to manifest myself into three separate bodies.  Though, the last one I must admit was a tad on the ‘happy Buddha’ side, if you follow. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I recently read your book, Shamanic Deeds Done Dirt Cheap, and one passage has me perplexed:


I read the signs in the sacred fire; I entered the green reptile’s web; I prayed to the Walmart midgets in the forgotten passage; I danced amongst the bones of the Seven Rainbows; and I still made it passed the Dark Mountain for the final retrieval.


P.S.  Oh, and who are the Cross-dressing Guatemalans? 


Sincerely,

Jack Lavin

Beaver Dam, WI



Dear Jack,

Thank you for you patronage, one who dams his beavers.  The meaning of my work could not be clearer:


I read the signs in the sacred fire (I smoked some pot with Pokey); I entered the green reptile’s web (I had to pay a cover at the Bullfrog Brewery); I prayed to the Walmart midgets in the forgotten passage (I vomited in the alley); I danced amongst the bones of the Seven Rainbows (there was a Dead cover band over at the gay bar); and I still made it passed the Dark Mountain for the final retrieval (I made it to Carl’s Pub for last-call by sneaking around that bouncer who hates me).


The Cross-dressing Guatemalans usually frequent the, aforementioned, gay bar.


The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Hello, I am an attractive twenty six year old Yoga instructor.  I am striving for complete inner and outer harmony.  Striving seems to have led me into a blind alley for the moment.  Can you help me?

Pam Nystrom

Johnstown, PA



Dear Pam,

I believe I can.  Bend over, I’ll strive. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I must admit to being a New Age newbie.  What the heck is Chi?  And what exactly is a super cosmic chakra cleansing invocation?   I hear these crazy things bandied about in the course of my studies, but I must admit to being completely lost sometimes. 

Bobby Tonelli

Kennebunkport, ME



Dear Bobby,

(or may I call you Bobert?)

You must harness your Chi. You must cultivate your Chi.  At the risk of sounding like Dr. Seuss, Chi is the key, you see! You must make the Chi your pet, a Chia Pet, if you will.  As for the super cosmic chakra cleansing invocation, I use prune juice, a warrior’s drink.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Your attempt at a “sequel” to His Holiness the Dalai Lama’s The Art of Happiness is truly appalling.  The Fart of Crappiness is an affront to all Buddhists. Actually, it’s an affront to all people!  You have missed each and every major point of Buddhist mysticism. If I ever run into you in a dark alley it will be a true test for me to ‘harm none.’

Gary Kissel

Monroe, LA



Dear Gary,

Indeed, at the heart of all Zen lies a staggering contradiction.   I am such a contradiction.  No I’m not.  See?   Hope this helps. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Mr. Shaman,

My life has been a series of hardships.  I fight pain every day. I’m a burden to my kids...what is the meaning of life?  Where can I find some relief?  If I don’t get some direction I’m just going to take all my medications and be done with it!

Jack Guernsey

Garfield, NJ



Dear Jack,

You have reached the desk of the Ghetto Shaman.  I am out drinking, humping, or having profound spiritual insights with younger women (involving leather). Your email is important to me.  Next week if someone happens to ask the same question, I will be happy to answer it.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I have studied the mystical path for over ten years and I am still riddled with anxiety.  I am worried people are going to find out my fondness for women’s clothing.  I try so hard to meditate, but yoga and tai chi just can’t separate me from my fears.  I have fears about the recent economic downturn, fears about my girlfriend finding out my secret, fear of, well, everything.  I need a Shaman.  I need your guidance.

Jack Mendelsen

Kenosha, WI



Dear Jack,

You are afraid of people discovering your fondness for women’s clothing, one Jack Mendelsen of Kenosha, Wisconsin?  I am sure your secret is safe (moron).  Look, self-transformation often involves a pair of fishnets and stilettos.  It does for me, anyway. As for fear…Just Stop!  Fear is the enemy.  Anxiety is crippling our society.  You must move beyond your fears.  The level of fear in the United States today scares the living shit out of me!  Hmmm, Living Shit the Mystical Pooh…maybe a book idea in there somewhere.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask the Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am focusing on raising my level of consciousness and bringing about an inner spiritual transformation. If I understand your concept of the Fifth Way, one should drink liquor often.  My wife left me and the only inner transformation thus far is one hell of a bleeding ulcer.

Wayne LeRoy

Garfield, NJ



Dear Wayne,

Good riddance to the bitch.  See?  You are already free to liver your dreams. You are starting to awaken.  Through a deep magic (and mixers) an inner transformation will change everything!  Except toilet paper; that is always a manual job.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I recently paid Pay Pal for one of your on-line ‘classes’ on Long Distance Healing.  I am physically very ill and money is tight.  To pay you over a hundred dollars, that I didn’t have, just to tell me to switch from Alltel to Verizon?!  There are peoples' lives at stake here, you low life, bastard!

Phil Bower

Gilroy, CA



Dear Phil,

Don't speak. I know just what you're saying so please stop explaining. Don't tell me 'cause it hurts

…Really, dude, just shut the hell up.  The family plan on Verizon is much cheaper than the one you use.  You could use that savings to drink yourself to death.  Just a thought.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Enlightenment seems such a mystery to me. The ego must be strong before it is destroyed? Striving for enlightenment is a barrier to enlightenment itself? There are so many ‘sound of one hand clapping’ type paradoxes that the main point keeps eluding me.

Dedra Farley

Tempe, AZ



Dear Dedra,

Very true, Dedra. At the heart of Zen are confounding paradoxes designed to help focus the mind. For example, to the untrained eye, even I myself may appear like an addicted amoral opportunistic, criminal-minded type, but in actuality, er……all right, bad example.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

In your book The Enlightened Mind on Crack at the end of the chapter entitled The Tao of Skull Fucking, what exactly are the Booty Sutras? I can not find any references to them anywhere.

Elsa Potter

Salinas, CA



Dear Elsa,

I don’t even remember that book. I was on crack; what part of that don’t you understand, Elsa?

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book Lost Mojitos of Mesoamerica and, first off, what the heck is an Aikido Hummer?  Second, you say that you have a strong affinity for the Hopi Indians, yet you condone some very antithethical views such as secret prisons, enhanced interrogation techniques, and even torture.

Ellen Frazier

Billings, Mt



Dear Ellen,

Torture? You are confusing information from my chapter on ‘things I like to do to women’.  The Hopi have influenced my work in other ways. For instance, their peyote is primo.  Oh, and an Aikido Hummer should never be tried outside of one of my Midget Reiki sessions.  I make people sign a waiver and everything.  It’s the everything part that usually results in therapy.

Hopi this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book Happy Hour Healer: A Shaman’s Ale and I must admit to some confusion.  I normally like stream of consciousness stuff, but what is Midget Reiki, who exactly are the Jersey Chuds, and why do you spend weeks at a time in a bar room toilet trying to contact the Malt Liquor Gods?

Sincerely,

Michael Raney

Hagerstown, MD



Dear Michael,

Indeed, I call that style Manic-Binge writing.

First off, Midget Reiki is only for the adept.  A better place to start would be at one of my Yoga Parties. Yo-ga!  Yo-ga!

The Jersey Chuds are minions of the Chaos Pigeons; those feathery adversaries to all that is sacred.   Mick Zano and Dr. Sterling Hogbein have written extensively about them. I would recommend their works, but, as a rule I only plug my own books.

As for your third question: a Shaman’s job is to become in-tune with energies constantly percolating on the energetic plane and then alter those energies prior to their manifestation back here on the earthly plane.  I drink malt liquor products and frequent the men’s room in hopes of one day harnessing the energy of the sacred beer fart (See Fartori Experience). I believe these energies will one day power the unfolding Universe itself.  Pokey McDooris is single-colonly pushing this particular boundary.  What he can do with a burrito and forty ounces of Big Jug Xtra Malt Liquor is legendary.

Hope this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I just read your book entitled Open Your Body, Mind, and Wallet and let me say this, sir: spirit guides are not pubcrawl organizers, there is no such thing as a double-vision quest, and soul extractions have nothing to do with removing one’s shoe from another person’s ass.  You are a drunk and a charlatan, sir!

Jay Compiretti

Haymarket, VA



Dear Jay,

Go back and read the chapter on ‘open your mind’ again.  I think somebody skipped that part. What we attack in others are really characteristics we do not like about our selves.  Remember the old saying…I am rubber, you’re a dick.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I heard through the grapevine you were in a fire of some sort?  Are you OK?

Stanley Milton

Harrisburg, PA



Dear Stanley,

No big deal.  I made a slight alchemical miscalculation and my crystal yoga lab exploded.  Luckily, I was wearing my girlfriend at the time. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read somewhere that people can smoke dung?   What’s this all about?

Sincerely,

Jack Tibolla

South Bend, Indiana



Dear Carl,

At times I have not had shit to smoke—beyond that it is sensationalism.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

While searching for deeper shamanic states, I seem to only experience manic depressive states.  I hear voices and see shadows during the height of these manic phases.  Am I getting close?

Nancy O’Leary

Erie, PA



Dear Nancy,

Getting close?  Getting Clozaril is more like it.  Look, try harnessing your manic phases by pushing your creativity into higher vibrational frequencies, and then ask your doctor if an inpatient psych stay is right for you.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

With society collapsing, and all, some believe this is an ideal time to embrace the dharma.  All this fear is only increasing my beer consumption.  You seemed to have reconciled fear and beer.  What’s your secret? 

Tim Ferrence



Dear Tim,

To transcend the Wheel of Samsara, you must embrace many Zen-like contradictions and still make it back for happy hour. Read my latest work: Turn to Face the Great Mystery without Pissing on Your Shoes.  Read this a hundred times, if necessary.  Not the same book, mind you.  Purchase a hundred copies.  Each of my books should only be read once, but many readings are necessary to both transcend this world and to help me fend off the rent spirits.  I have explained to my landlady that I follow the Mayan calendar, so my rent should not be due until the Feathered Serpent ascends the great pyramid.  This argument has thus far failed to have the desired effect.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Are those half eaten Buffalo wings hanging around your neck?

Jackson Mitchell

San Diego, CA



Dear Jackson,

Only our oldest legends speak of a time when the mythical Buffalo could take flight across the...  All right, all right, Papa John’s Sherlock. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I don’t understand the Chakra system.  Wasn’t Chakra just that monkey boy from the Land of the Lost?  Or is there more to it?

Sammy Vimes

Seattle, WA



Dear Sammy,

Yes and No. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

You are obviously a gifted writer, but what was your first book ever?  I want to hear more about your early period.  You know, when you were a struggling artist trying to find yourself.  What was the motivation behind your urge to become a shaman?

Lance Parker

Troy, NY



Dear Lance,

My interest in healing came from a divine hormonal calling, which began with a vision of that chick from Weird Science in a Catwoman costume.  My first book captures the true essence of my desire for self-mastery: What is Enlightenment and Will It Get Me Laid?

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

With the current economic crises, I may only be purchasing one book this year.  Any thoughts?  Oh, and what exactly is Midget Reiki?

Yours truly,

Fred Callahan



Dear Fred,

You should wait for my next book Vomiting the Vedic and Other Gastral Projections.  It will change your life.  Oh, and as for Midget Reiki, the Discord only pays me to answer one question a week.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

You are such a prolific writer, where do you recommend beginning?  Reading your work out of order, well, it just loses something. 

Sincerely,

Jake Schmidt

Reno, NV



Dear Jake,

I wrote my first book during my ‘long night of the soul,’ which I called Bernie.  At the heart of my pre-enlightened period, I wrote my first book:  Plants Speak to Me, Women Don’t.  I wrote this before I was a Shaman, but after my period.

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

This may be a hard question, but could you come up with one quote that captures the essence of your teachings?  I am really seeking some ‘meaning of life’ stuff and have admired and respected your work for a long time. 

Sincerely,

Jackson Stoltz

Bakersfield, CA



Dear Jackson,

Clearly the most moving statement comes near the end of my work entitled The Spiritual Art of Skull Fucking wherein I tell the feathered serpent: “You haven’t lived until you have performed Der Ring des Nibelungen naked.” 

I hope this helps…

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am very disappointed in a book I read of yours entitled:  Superconsciousness Through Vodka Binging: The Fifth Way.  I think you are a tad off-message here, and, as a parent, I think the world would be a better place without your ‘teachings.’

Pam Stengle

Taos, NM



Dear Pam,

What? only a tad off??  My teachings and my master have taught me not to react to criticism personally….bitch.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I recently read your book entitled Ten Spiritual Lessons for Drunken Clubbies, and I found it stunningly demeaning to women.

Sincerely,

Flo Petersen

Portsmouth, NH



Dear Flo,

If you think that was bad, you might want to stay away from the second book in my women studies series entitled Battery Operated Vibrational Healing. Just a word to the wise.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ghetto Shaman,

When you said you had ‘private healing sessions,’ I thought you meant you had a secluded workshop or something.  You sick bastard!  I feel so dirty.

I’m suing your ass!

Kristin



Dear Kristin,

All things done to your privates were done in the line of duty—except maybe the part with the snorkel.  Besides, I have no fear of lawsuits, young lady.  I answer to a higher authority…the Lycoming County Parole Board. 

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Mr. Ghetto Shaman,

You are a disgrace!  I read what I could stomach of your latest degenerative drivel, Spiritual Healing Through Sex with Me, and I am just wondering how you could possibly sleep at night, you sick bastard?

Tanya Moore

Yuma, AZ



Dear Tanya,

If you had read my entire work, you would know how I sleep at night.  Re-read my chapter on drunken orgasms entitled: The Mad-Dog Dharma Cums.

Sinbeerly,

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am seeking to expand my current level of consciousness through meditative disciplines, and I just came upon your work entitled A Map to Ecstasy.  I don’t understand--it is page after page of street maps with an X-marks-the-spot-kind of thing in the middle. What is the significance?

Josh Compton

Hagerstown, MD



Dear Josh,

This isn’t a goddamn riddle, homeboy. If you want ecstasy, go to the X (with cash).  Tell em’ all I sent you for a possible discount, or a possible bullet.  The footnotes explain when to mention my name and when to wear body armor.  It couldn’t be clearer, putz.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What do you make of Xenolinguistics?  Cryptic messages coded within hallucinogens, sent to us from aliens or possibly even the mushrooms themselves! What a strange universe where such things can speak to us.

Kevin Starke



Dear Kevin,

Indeed.  There are many, many things in this wondrous universe that speak to me that really shouldn’t…like women.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How can I become a Shamen?  I really don’t like pain and I have asthma real bad.  Will that be a problem?

Sincerely,

Tim Lions

Seattle, WA



Dear Tim,

First off, to become a Shaman one must learn how to fucking spell Shaman!  You spelled it right in my name, dipshit.  I am feeling generous today.  Since I am a healer, just send me twenty dollars and I will make you a Shaman. Send me twenty more and I’ll see about your asthma. Oh, and if the check should bounce, just remember that my friends are ancient Mayan gods.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I saw the words Iboga and Cannabis Society scrawled on the restroom door at the Genetti Hotel the other day. Are you behind this association? If so, what is this movement all about?

David Counsel

Muncy, PA



Dear David,

First off, I do not scrawl things on bathroom stalls! I make my girlfriend do it. Second, the Cannabis and Iboga Society is, well, the best way to put it…er, it’s a grass-roots organization (literally). For more information, see my mission statement in its entirety in the second stall of the women’s restroom (under the phrase Bibbs is a troll lover).

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Are you really a healer?  I am a married man suffering from a severe dissociative disorder. I often lose chunks of time when my deviant alter takes control of my body and sends me night after night to the local red light district.

Sincerely,

Steven Jones



Dear Steven,

If your wife is buying this crapola, what’s the problem?  Pork away, pal.   Shame about the memory loss.  Now don’t forget to channel that positive kuntalini energy into your fart chakra.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I want my money back.  I recently purchased your self-published work, Coricidin: Consciousness and Condoms, and, well, it wasn’t what I expected.

Sincerely,

Lee Stickle



Dear Lee.

I never refund anything for anyone, but I do urge you to purchase, at a reduced cost, my latest work The Healing Powers of Certain Massage Parlors.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

When contacting the spirit realms, should I first put a teaspoon of the lye crystals into the bottle of ephedrine and then agitate?

Sincerely,

Fabio 6



Dear Fabio 6,

No, no.  Dude! Stop! You can’t make ayahuasca, man.  You’re making methamphetamine!  In which case you should use only an eighth of a teaspoon of lye crystals.  Meth is usually snorted or injected but, for a more authentic ayahuasca experience, try dissolving it in a rancid birch beer while gnawing on a stick.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear ghetto Shaman,

I am a fellow shaman and find myself confused, even appalled, by some of your teachings. I too have spoken to the spirit plants. They almost universally implore us to avoid alcohol, sugar, salt, and even sex, so how do you justify your last ‘healing retreat’ entitled: Orgy Margarita Night: the Sacred O.M.N.

Sincerely,

Lamas Gitomachus



Dear Lamas,

There are many different plants and, therefore, many different interpretations. Perhaps you are not as enlightened as you claim. Next you’ll be knocking my Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise. Why don’t you try listening to cannabis sometime, Medicine Man, preferably with a bag of chips. 

The Ghetto Shaman.

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

My ayahuasca connection is currently a prisoner of the Rehab Gods. Since you are known for your alternative and more affordable tripping techniques, do you have any suggestions?

Sincerely,

Smokin’ Joe



Dear Smokin’ Joe,

Try Nutmeg, Robitusin DM, and Mad Dog 20/20 (preferably banana red).  Remember to focus all of your energies on the Dharma and the Greg. Ah, and don’t forget—911 for all emergencies.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Discord Videos
Camera Down! Now Maybe He'll Have Some Time for Our Editing.
Camera Down! Now Maybe He'll Have Some Time For Our Editing, Actually, he planned that. Our guy's that good.
Actually, he planned that. Our guy's that good.
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord


Discord One Step Closer to Pulitzer for Beiber Coverage
Discord One Step Closer to Pulitzer for Beiber Coverage
Actually, he planned that. Our guy's that good.