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July 30, 2014
THE NEXT PERSON WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT AQUAMAN UNDEROOS ARE, I'M JUST GOING TO PUNCH • NRA PLANNING "SOMETHING SPECIAL" FOR UPCOMING 75TH SCHOOL SHOOTING SINCE COLUMBINE • OIL TANKER EXPLODES OFF COAST OF JAPAN: NO GIANT MONSTERS CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY • TED CRUZ WINS REPUBLICAN STRAW POLL? THAT’S THE LAST STRAW POLL...YOU BROKE IT. • CLOSE GUANTONOMO: FIVE DOWN, 149 TO GO... I ADMIT THIS POSITION WON'T BE HORRIBLY POPULAR WITH HORRIBLE PEOPLE • IRONY ALERT: ICE FLOES DISAPPEARING FAST, REPUBLICAN THOUGHT GLACIALLY SLOW • OBAMA ASKS THE FIVE RELEASED TALIBAN PRISONERS TO "KINDLY RETURN TO GUANTANOMO" •
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The Hand of God
Wanted: The Daily Discord Administrator Who Posted the Following Plug on Facebook
By Pierce Winslow
Pierce Winslow

The Daily Discord admitts to its wrogdoings, Obama controls Hookers?, The Bone shouts out, and petruding pectorals now on the Daily Discord. Suggest us to your friends we promise they wont hate you for it. But then again we do spoof and satire so take that for what it is.


Really? This is the actual plug as it appeared on Facebook on June 17th. For a little background to our sordid tale, I went on vacation last week. Normally, I post the little Facebook plugs on our main page for the enjoyment of our six followers. I even play with my twitter now and again, but I don't like to talk about it. I came home from my cruise to Nebraska, I put my suitcase back in the garage, the body into the wood chipper, and then I checked my email. My responses varied from "Fuck you, Zano" to "Fuck you, Shaman." You know, the usual. And then something nagged me to check the Discord Facebook page.

The next few minutes are a blur that ultimately ended up with my children calling Child Protective Services, my wife calling Adult Protective Services, and my neighbors applying for renter's insurance.

I also believe Ned Flanders actually said, "That's the loudest profanity I ever heard."

You see, when I'm very angry, I blackout. Whenever I'm at the police station and they ask that question, Do you ever blackout?, I always say, "I don't recall." This is not a joke, it's a serious medical condition-a medical condition exacerbated by most of my Discord contributors combined with copious amounts of a certain German schnapps.

Only four administrators have access to this Facebook posting thingie: 1.) yours truly (Pierce Xavier Winslow), 2.) Mick (always number two in my book) Zano, 3.) Dave (my money's on him) Atsals, and 4.) a man known only as Wog.

None of us have met Wog-well, Zano did once, but he doesn't like to talk about it. Now, as the CEO of the Daily Discord, I'm not about verbal or written warnings-never have been. I'm about kicking ass. And not in the Obama to BP "stop or I'll say stop again" kind of kicking ass; I'm talking about inserting footwear so far into journalistic glutes that I need to go back to Payless. I hate buying shoes. Especially, when I only need one. These days I usually only buy brown shoes, which helps to some extent.

I guess, in retrospect, what is most disappointing to me (and working with this bunch, that is quite a statement) is this: no one thought to hit the remove button. There is a remove button for the purposes of removing something sloppy, or highly offensive on Facebook. If our readers had access to such a button we'd, of course, have one skimpy website and no need for the current team of lawyers defending our fortunes, as well as our first amendment rights.

I have asked each contributor what the hell happened. Here is how each conversation went down:


(The Zano interview)

Winslow: Mick, I asked someone to plug the discord on Facebook in my absence. Just out of curiosity, did you happen to post the Facebook plug last week? Just asking, buddy, old pal, old chum.

Zano: I told you I hate Facebook. I wrote an entire feature on how much I hate Facebook. In fact, until this very conversation, I had no idea I was even an administrator on this mysterious Book of Faces and, now that I know, I wish to formally be removed from this illustrious virtual clique.

P.S. Stop pushing me, prick!


(The Atsals interview)

Winslow: Dave, I specifically asked you, personally, to plug the discord on Facebook in my absence. Just out of curiosity, did you happen to post the Facebook plug last week?

Atsals: Naaah, I told Wog to do it. It's something called d-e-le-g-a-t-i-n-g. AKA, that team of people you employ to wipe yer arse in the little CEO's room. Besides, I was drunk during most of your absence, but only because, deep down, I really despise myself and need professional help.

P.S. See Zano's post script and add an exclamation point.


(The Wog interview)

Winslow: Wog, I'm not entirely sure how you became an administrator here at the Discord, or even who you are, exactly. I don't even know if Wog is your real name, but did you happen to post something to Facebook last week? Just asking.

Yours humbly,

Pierce Winslow

Wog: I refuse to admitts to any Wogdoings, I won't put up wit yer slander! Ya Fop!


Wog is no longer a Facebook administrator and, since Dave Atsals showed an extreme lack of judgment in letting him post, he is no longer an administrator. And, since the only constant in the universe is that Zano shows an extreme lack of judgment, well, here are my conclusions:

  1. I, Peirce Xavier Winslow, am the last of the Facebookian Administrator for the Daily Discord.
  2. A wood chipper does not dispose of all DNA evidence, construction-grade or no.
  3. I'm going to find and consume copious amounts of a certain German schnapps.
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