Sarcastically Salving Society
Home of the Transcosmetic Party
A Place for Raging Moderates, Tragic Optimists, and Integral Outcasts
April 23, 2014
OCD MEETUP GROUP TO MEET AT 1PM, 2PM, 3PM, 4PM, 5PM, 6PM. 7PM, 8PM, 9PM, 10PM, 11PM, 12AM, 1AM, 2AM..........(MARQUEE BUFFERING) • AS SNEEZING DEATHS RISE IN 14 STATES, CONSERVATIVE THINK TANK LINKS BRUTAL ALLERGY SEASON TO OBAMACARE • AS PART OF A LIBERAL PLOY, COASTAL CITIES ACROSS THE GLOBE DUMPING BILLIONS INTO "CLIMATE CHANGE" FLOOD PREVENTION • DEPRESSION INCREASES CHANCE OF SADNESS IN COSTLY DISCORD STUDY • RETRACTION: OUR HEADLINE "MICK ZANO TO REPLACE JOHNNY CARSON" SHOULD HAVE READ "STEPHEN COLBERT TO REPLACE DAVID LETTERMAN" • FOX NEWS POLL: ONLY FOUR PEOPLE ON OBAMACARE AND THEY ALL HATE IT • FRANTIC MESSAGE FROM FLIGHT 370'S BLACK BOX, "BATTERY RUNNING LOW. PLEASE PLUG IN THE AC ADAPTER." •
TopicsTopics
ContributorsContributors
FeaturesFeatures
Subscribe Now Subscribe Now
Search The Discord Search The Discord
About Us About Us
Contact Us Contact Us
Site Map Site Map
Be our friend...
...with benefits
Show us your tweets...
Follow The Daily Discord on Twitter
...and we'll show you ours
Follow The Daily Discord on MySpace
Dick Cheyney: In My Pants
Presidential All Seeing Eye

Kiester Island

Khamenei Rork and Tattoo Ahmadinejad

Bill Clinton and his Asian Harem

Obama squares of with Gandalf the Gray over Health Care

Tactics to Draw Out Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan Questioned, Danish Mohammed cartoons for sale

Second Inconvenient Truth Linked to Al Gore’s Cross-Dressing

Moe-hammad
The Hand of God
My Facebook Needs a Face Lift
By Dave Atsals
Dave Atsals

A friend and fellow Discordian, who would like to remain Mickless, recommended we all register on Facebook, and I hate him for it.  I opened an account, a public one, no less, and thanks to Pierce Winslow’s great idea to use public accolades instead of our real names, well…let’s just say I’ve gotten about what I deserve.  NOTHING. ABSOULTELY NOTHING.  Facebook, or no, the expected herds of adoring fans have yet to materialize.  The sexy blonde female stalkers have not overwhelmed my home page.  In fact, I haven’t even had any hate mail.  Nothing, nada, nichts.   Worse yet, despite the endless spam ads assaulting my web searches, the awful truth is: there are absolutely no hot single women in my area waiting to talk to me!  None!  It’s all a lie!  AHHHHhhhhhhhh! Distraught and disenchanted, I turned to the internet to search for my true popularity.  Wikipedia’s search results for Dave Atsals are as follows:

Dave Stalls, my ass.  I’m not a Query either, although I can belt out some show tunes when plied with enough alcohol.

My Google search for Dave Atsals resulted in this: did you mean Dave Astels? A few links to Discord articles also appeared, but who the hell is Dave Astels? Upset by this imposter stealing my thunder, I checked my real name.  After all, Dave Atsals is a sobriquet like all famous writer-folk and escaped convict types use (or even those few people, like yours truly, that happen to be both).   Again, my search revealed nothing—nothing but a few public court related documents. 

I did have much better luck with my YAHOO search.  Dave Atsals, pulled a lot of links to the Daily Discord, and that glory-seeking son of a bitch, Astels, was thankfully nowhere to be found.  My real name was actually linked to an Obituary, not my own, of course, at least I’m reasonably sure. 

I then decided to search the names of some of my friends and relatives, figuring this would make me feel better. WRONG.  The search of my father’s name pulled 30 hits, my mother 10.  Hell, when I searched my son’s name I got 15 pages of listings, and he hasn’t even been arrested yet.  For Christ’s sake my dog’s name got two hits.  Of course, that’s only because he bit my neighbor in the ass.  Sorry about that, Dad.

I then searched for some other things.  Famous Dave did not turn up any related articles, but I did spit out a great BBQ pit place that sounds worth a try, or perhaps a future franchise.  Any investors out there?  They even let kids eat free.  Famous Dave is also a porn star with a 10 inch accoutrement; couldn’t possibly be me (famous Dave falls a little short).

My search for Famous Dave Atsals didn’t even reveal anything in English.  But it did say “DO YOU MEAN FAMOUS DAVE ASTALS?”  Screw him, and, no, I’m not a gay porn star either.

I guess this writing thing isn’t bringing me the fame and fortune I duly deserve.  Plans are now in the work to gain fame the old fashion way, “on the cover of the Rolling Stone.”  I can see it now. I’ll buy five copies for my 10 hits mother.  Of course, the police news section is a far more likely spot to keep up with my antics. 

I did find some relief when I searched for Pokey McDooris, and Mick Zano.  Their names didn’t even pull up links to the Daily Discord. They did pull up some articles about tin cups, cell bars, and front steps, but that’s a whole other article.  Oh, and just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, I get a call from Mick Zano.  Get this, he promoted me to marketing and sales manager about a day after writing this puppy.  Yeah, that sounds like a great idea, marketing manager of the Daily Discord.  Did you mean Daily Dischord?   Screw you, Zano!  Last time I listened to you I ended up with a storage unit full of Betamax VCRs.  There is some good news amidst this pile of ego shriveling horse dung.  Our old marketing manager is now working for Dave Astels.  Good luck with that Davey.  See you in the Obits soon. 

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Discord Videos
Coming Soon! Summer of 2014! or Thereabouts
Coming Soon! Summer of 2014! Or Thereabouts
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord


Discord's Daily Discharge
Discord's Daily Discharge
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 Arizona Cable Company Airs Our 1st Commercial!
 The Lowell Observatory Incident: Putting the Ass Back Into Asstronomy
 Breaking News Into Tiny Shards of Sensationalism
 Startling Ineptness Haunts Discord Ghost Investigation!
More Videos...
Decrepit Discord
 The Manchurian Gutter Ball
 High End Vegas Carnies Make Compelling Pro-Marijuana Case
 Venn Will They Listen? a Batshit Venn Diagram Takedown of the GOP
 Breaking: Europe Shifts All Armies to Iceland
 Committee Calls "Mulligan" on 2014 Winter Olympics
 New Evidence Emerges for Flight 370: the Plot Stiffens
 Your Pets Don't Love You
 Mitch McConnell "Man of Mystery" Meme Takes Net by Storm
 Discord Staff Vows to Repeat the Mistakes of Last St. Patrick's Day
 And the Winner of the Dumbest Quote of the 21st Century Goes To...
 A Despondent Obama Last Seen Wandering Toward Columbia Heights
 How Obama Earned His 41% Approval Rating, or at Least Is Renting to Own
 Why Didn’t They Handout Aluminum Foil Hats at CPAC? an Oversight?
 Mr. Smith "Nearly Done" Reading the Affordable Care Act
 Al Gore Releases More Ozone-Depleting Gases Into the Atmosphere
 Discord to Move Away From Content in Favor of 24/7 Pledge Drives
 CPAC Run!
 U.S. Deploys Cast of Game of Thrones to Crimea
 I Didn’t Leave the Discord, the Discord Left Me: Oh, and I Didn’t Have Email
 Investigation Uncovers Problem With Sochi Opening Ceremony
 After "No Hell" Bomb, Pope Tweets "And the Bible's Kind of a Shit Show"
 And the Tasteless Joke of the Year Goes To...
 Star Trek V Space Case
 Discord Celebrates First Accurate GOP Prediction of 21st Century
 The Captain and Tennille Split Up: Millions Rejoice
 The 80's Called and They Want Their Bad Joke Back
 Arizona’s SB1062: Fabulous Ousts Crabulous
 Benghazi Isn’t a Scandal, It’s a Cry for Help
 Top 10 Guinness Pours in Tucson Revealed!
 On News of Death Zano Downplays Ramis/Discord Feud
 Dolphin Mothers Boycott Discord
 The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Five: NSA
 Disaster Strikes Last Day of Olympics
 The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Four: Benghazi
 The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Three: Obamacare
 The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Two: Fast & Furious
 The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part One: IRS
 Train Transporting Crude Oil Doesn’t Blow Up
 Satellite Confirms the Only Light in N. Korea Is a Motel 6
 Pope
 Deport Every Politician Thwarting Obama on Iran
 Market Crashes As Yellen Giggles and Farts Through Confirmation Hearing!
 93,000 Liters of Beer Are Lost Each Year in Facial Hair in the UK Alone
 Ticket Emerges That Finally Captures the GOP’s Values
 Discord's Daily Discharge
 Religion Added to DSM-V
 Reaganomics: Don't Let an Economist Tell You Different
 Stock in Grumpy Cat Collapses
 Haunted Tucson: the Hotel Congress
 Have You Spoken to Your Kids About Benghazi?
 A Confused Putin Pardons Justin Bieber
 Discord Super Game Coverage
 The Main Reason Republicans Will Lose the Future
 Hef and the Dead
 During SOTU Obama Mentioned Alimony 14 Times and Chardonnay 37 Times
 Rosetta Scandal: Obama’s Blunders Deciphered!
 Egypt Builds Cage for Prospective Leader...Just in Case
 God Implicated in Climate Change Hoax
 Obama Sells Arizona Back to Mexico
 ObamaCare Unveils New "Fun Size" Healthcare Enrollments
RSS Subscriptions
Search
About Us
Contact Us