Sarcastically Salving Society
Home of the Transcosmetic Party
A Place for Raging Moderates, Tragic Optimists, and Integral Outcasts
May 28, 2015
I GAVE UP GIVING UP THINGS FOR LENT FOR LENT • OBAMA DECLARES WAR ON POISONOUS FLORIDA CATERPILLAR • PELOSI: REPUBLICANS ENDANGER CIVILIZATION • ZANO: PELOSI HAS RARE, ACCURATE STATEMENT • WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO SEND SHIT FOR THIS MARQUEE/TICKER THING, ZANO! JESUS, WHAT AM I NOT PAYING YOU FOR? —PIERCE WINSLOW • OBAMA ADMITS TO SPENDING ALL NATION'S FLEX-FUNDS ON GOLF, STARBUCKS AND BEER • CONGRESS APPROVES BILL TO...HA HA HAH! KIDDING! CONGRESS DOESN’T APPROVE BILLS •
TopicsTopics
ContributorsContributors
FeaturesFeatures
Subscribe Now Subscribe Now
Search The Discord Search The Discord
About Us About Us
Contact Us Contact Us
Site Map Site Map
Be our friend...
...with benefits
Show us your tweets...
Follow The Daily Discord on Twitter
...and we'll show you ours
Follow The Daily Discord on MySpace
The Chronicles of Jack Primus Book 1
Presidential All Seeing Eye

Kiester Island

Khamenei Rork and Tattoo Ahmadinejad

Bill Clinton and his Asian Harem

Obama squares of with Gandalf the Gray over Health Care

Tactics to Draw Out Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan Questioned, Danish Mohammed cartoons for sale

Second Inconvenient Truth Linked to Al Gore’s Cross-Dressing

Moe-hammad
The Hand of God
My Facebook Needs a Face Lift
By Dave Atsals
Dave Atsals

A friend and fellow Discordian, who would like to remain Mickless, recommended we all register on Facebook, and I hate him for it.  I opened an account, a public one, no less, and thanks to Pierce Winslow’s great idea to use public accolades instead of our real names, well…let’s just say I’ve gotten about what I deserve.  NOTHING. ABSOULTELY NOTHING.  Facebook, or no, the expected herds of adoring fans have yet to materialize.  The sexy blonde female stalkers have not overwhelmed my home page.  In fact, I haven’t even had any hate mail.  Nothing, nada, nichts.   Worse yet, despite the endless spam ads assaulting my web searches, the awful truth is: there are absolutely no hot single women in my area waiting to talk to me!  None!  It’s all a lie!  AHHHHhhhhhhhh! Distraught and disenchanted, I turned to the internet to search for my true popularity.  Wikipedia’s search results for Dave Atsals are as follows:

Dave Stalls, my ass.  I’m not a Query either, although I can belt out some show tunes when plied with enough alcohol.

My Google search for Dave Atsals resulted in this: did you mean Dave Astels? A few links to Discord articles also appeared, but who the hell is Dave Astels? Upset by this imposter stealing my thunder, I checked my real name.  After all, Dave Atsals is a sobriquet like all famous writer-folk and escaped convict types use (or even those few people, like yours truly, that happen to be both).   Again, my search revealed nothing—nothing but a few public court related documents. 

I did have much better luck with my YAHOO search.  Dave Atsals, pulled a lot of links to the Daily Discord, and that glory-seeking son of a bitch, Astels, was thankfully nowhere to be found.  My real name was actually linked to an Obituary, not my own, of course, at least I’m reasonably sure. 

I then decided to search the names of some of my friends and relatives, figuring this would make me feel better. WRONG.  The search of my father’s name pulled 30 hits, my mother 10.  Hell, when I searched my son’s name I got 15 pages of listings, and he hasn’t even been arrested yet.  For Christ’s sake my dog’s name got two hits.  Of course, that’s only because he bit my neighbor in the ass.  Sorry about that, Dad.

I then searched for some other things.  Famous Dave did not turn up any related articles, but I did spit out a great BBQ pit place that sounds worth a try, or perhaps a future franchise.  Any investors out there?  They even let kids eat free.  Famous Dave is also a porn star with a 10 inch accoutrement; couldn’t possibly be me (famous Dave falls a little short).

My search for Famous Dave Atsals didn’t even reveal anything in English.  But it did say “DO YOU MEAN FAMOUS DAVE ASTALS?”  Screw him, and, no, I’m not a gay porn star either.

I guess this writing thing isn’t bringing me the fame and fortune I duly deserve.  Plans are now in the work to gain fame the old fashion way, “on the cover of the Rolling Stone.”  I can see it now. I’ll buy five copies for my 10 hits mother.  Of course, the police news section is a far more likely spot to keep up with my antics. 

I did find some relief when I searched for Pokey McDooris, and Mick Zano.  Their names didn’t even pull up links to the Daily Discord. They did pull up some articles about tin cups, cell bars, and front steps, but that’s a whole other article.  Oh, and just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, I get a call from Mick Zano.  Get this, he promoted me to marketing and sales manager about a day after writing this puppy.  Yeah, that sounds like a great idea, marketing manager of the Daily Discord.  Did you mean Daily Dischord?   Screw you, Zano!  Last time I listened to you I ended up with a storage unit full of Betamax VCRs.  There is some good news amidst this pile of ego shriveling horse dung.  Our old marketing manager is now working for Dave Astels.  Good luck with that Davey.  See you in the Obits soon. 

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Discord Videos
Zano V Rhythm
Zano v Rhythm
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord


A Slow News Day at Discord Headquarters
A Slow News Day at Discord Headquarters
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 Westboro Baptist Church Vs. the Daily Discord and GOD
 S.T.Q. EP 2: the Ghosts of Oatman
 The Final Final Ending of S.T.Q Episode 1
 The Exciting Conclusion of Search Truth Quest: Ep 1
More Videos...
Decrepit Discord
 Let's Give Zano Partial Credit on This One
 Cosby’s Giving Me a Woody
 Colorado's First Pot Related Fatality
 20% of All Colorado Pot Diverted to Make Last Old Spice Commercial
 Cheney Yells "This Is Torture!" Before Strangling Kitten
 Aaron Hernandez Sentenced to One Date With Jodi Arias
 Dear GOP, What Is Your Infatuation With People Who Are Always Wrong?
 Research: Hunting With AK47s Helped Early Humans Outsmart Neanderthals
 Say Hello to the Third Amigo!
 Cruz to Redirect NASA Funds to "Global Space Fence"
 Since the Government Has My Dic Pics...
 Hipsters
 God Claims Responsibility for Devastating Tornado
 From Common Core to Common CAIR
 Western Breweries Fight Drought With New Extra Dry IPA
 Kerry Blames "Extended Iran Negotiations" on "Urinating in Public" Charge
 Study: Republican Party Dropped on Head As Child
 Glenn Beck and the Emperor's New Caliphate
 Ayatollah Adamant Iran: "Not Seeking Bomb"
 Rand Paul Requests: "That List of Crazy Shit I Have to Say to Win Primary"
 The Civil Wrong Movement
 Ted Cruz Compares Himself to Galileo
 Caliphates and Terror and Russian Bears, Oh My!
 Only 595 Days Until Hillary
 Chimpanzees Now Capable of Legislating
 Spring Is in the Err
 Six Climbers Missing After Attempting to Scale Bill O'Reilly's Ego
 Congress Takes Aim at Last Functional Aspects of Government
 NASA Agrees to Ignore Climate Change If Cruz Agrees to One-Way Mars Mission Reality Show
 My Shitty Kids
 Stephen Hawking Names Daily Discord "Greatest Threat to Mankind"
 The AM Radio Circus: Fire-Breathing Clowns Juggling Elephant Poo
 Boehner Orders Cooler Do-Nothing-Congress Chair
 Florida Bans Words ‘Climate Change’ in Favor of ‘Tidal Terrorism’
 47 GOP Senators: Treason or Just a Felony?
 Harrison Ford's Explanation Raises More Questions
 Music Is Still Free!
 How Is ISIS Radicalizing Our Children?
 A Couple of Quick Points
 Netanyhu Follows up Famous "Bomb" Diagram With "Iran Plan"
 Brevity Is the Soul of Wit so I Will Keep This Rebuttal Under Twenty Pages
 Obama Apologizes to Netanyahu for Adjacent Firework Display/Rock Drummer Tryouts
 Final Solution for Harry Reid's Eye Troubles Unveiled
 That Which We Call a Radical by Any Other Name
 To Refute Global Warming Senator Pulls Testicle Off Defenseless Snowman
 Scott Walker Has "No Idea Where All This Blood Came From"
 How Did the GOP Become Such Koch Suckers?
 Manmade Vs God-Given Rights
 As Keystone XL Bill Approaches GOP "Outraged" by Obama Pun Prank
 Our ‘Unalienable Rights’ Have Nothing to Do With Ancient Aliens, Zano
 Niagara Fails: Man's Attempt to Go Over Falls in Igloo Ends Badly
 Mysterious Martian Haze Identified
 New Psychedelic Drug Shows Promise for Unicorn Research
 Farewell Jon Stewart, You Propaganda Spewing Buffoon!
 Southwestern Drought Threatens Sheriff Joe’s Waterboarding
 50 Shades of Grey Crayons Are a Marketing Bust
 The Koch Brothers Solve Donor Summit Dilemma
 Republicans Can Have High IQs Too, WTF?
 After Six Months of Bombing Shit Out of ISIS Obama Requests Authorization to Bomb Shit Out of ISIS
 Integral Thought Doesn’t Have a Prayer
RSS Subscriptions
Search
About Us
Contact Us