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July 30, 2014
THE NEXT PERSON WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT AQUAMAN UNDEROOS ARE, I'M JUST GOING TO PUNCH • NRA PLANNING "SOMETHING SPECIAL" FOR UPCOMING 75TH SCHOOL SHOOTING SINCE COLUMBINE • OIL TANKER EXPLODES OFF COAST OF JAPAN: NO GIANT MONSTERS CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY • TED CRUZ WINS REPUBLICAN STRAW POLL? THAT’S THE LAST STRAW POLL...YOU BROKE IT. • CLOSE GUANTONOMO: FIVE DOWN, 149 TO GO... I ADMIT THIS POSITION WON'T BE HORRIBLY POPULAR WITH HORRIBLE PEOPLE • IRONY ALERT: ICE FLOES DISAPPEARING FAST, REPUBLICAN THOUGHT GLACIALLY SLOW • OBAMA ASKS THE FIVE RELEASED TALIBAN PRISONERS TO "KINDLY RETURN TO GUANTANOMO" •
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The Hand of God
The "No Mas" 16
By The Crank
The Crank

There are sixteen widely used terms today that invoke nausea in me every time I hear them. I would like them from this moment forward stricken from all political discourse. Once one of my ‘16 forbidden phrases’ (similar to Carlin’s seven dirty words) are used on TV, or in print, they take on a life of their own. These are terms I never want to hear again. I’m sure I speak for everyone, and by everyone I mean six people, when I say please stop!

Here they are, in no particular order:

Outside the box

If this saying were to have its way, we would ALL be thinking outside the box, which would mean that inside the box would be a very lonely place indeed. I envision Zano sipping a specialty coffee alone in a room starting a political party. AND, if everyone thought outside the fucking box, then to be different one would have to think inside said box. Ponder that one. It’s a ‘sound of one hand farting’ kind of thing.

Fiscal cliff:

There is no fiscal cliff, unless we are taking about Road Runner and the Coyote. That cliff is followed closely by an Acme safe to the noggin. There are only stupid people making stupid decisions with other people’s money based on their bullshit agendas or the lining of someone’s pockets. That’s not a cliff, it’s an indictment...or at least it should be.

Civil rights

There are only MY civil rights. There is no YOUR civil rights. If I want it, it’s a right, if you want it, tuff shit. But what if YOUR civil rights oppress ME? Yeah, see what I mean? It’s all bullshit. A regal word has been reduced to birdcage liner. Beaten to death like a Syrian rebel.

Racist

See above. You can not disagree with anyone not of your exact color. Nope, not ever. Can’t. Why? We say so, that’s why. No reason. Dr. King is surely whirling dervishly inside his mausoleum hearing that word made so meaningless, after so many have died for it.

"Hey Joe, we got nuttin’ for a comeback on his last campaign ad."

"That’s ok, just call him a racist."

It is what it is

Just what the fuck is it? Is this another Clinton definition of is is thing? Couldn’t it be what it’s not? How about what it was? I know, it’s what it’s gonna be. It makes me want to smack the shit out of people who say it. Then you can quote this back to them when they ask why I did it. Sorry, many, it is what it is. Hey, but I did call 911.

At the end of the day

Yeah what? The fucking sun goes down. We all fall asleep.

(See also) When all is said and done. Another stupid phrase. Please. When all is said and done, you shut up and do nothing? Is that what it’s supposed to mean? Now, let’s put these two together.

"When the sun goes down and we fall asleep, we shut up and do nothing."

Very profound.

With all due respect:

Graciously excuse me please while I jam this twig in your eyeball. Permit me, kind sir, to throttle you within an inch of your life. When someone hears this, their sphincter involuntarily clenches up. It’s like when I read a Zano feature.

Viral:

STDs are viral. Mad fucking Cow is viral. Videos are not. "I must have touched the railing and got this video from someone." "Oh, I got a bad video and now it hurts to pee." I hope it doesn’t last too long. Why don’t you just rub that ointment you got from the clinic onto your YouTube and call me in the morning?

Epic fail:

This fucking phrase is an epic fail. Every time I hear this, it’s like drinking a Slurpee too fast. I get brain freeze, or as they call it NY, Bloomberg Syndrome. Until something fails, there is no way to know in advance of its demise, epic or bleepin’ otherwise. Just say what you mean:

"I hope your idea fails so grandly that many people get hurt and you spend the rest of your life in prison."

Wow factor

You mean to say impressive, right? Then why not just say it? It makes you sound somewhat intelligent, unlike using the words ‘Wow factor’, which over the course of time seems to have lost all of its....ahem.

A-ha Moment:

This phrase signifies the dumbing down of the English language at its finest. Kind of like when Hugh Laurie has that spaced out, faraway look, when he’s just discovered the cure for something. Or, when I’m looking through the my trunk for my lost car keys and suddenly realize the sound I heard yesterday—the one that seemed kinda’ funny at the time—was, in fact, my keys sliding off the trunk lid onto the road...only to be immediately run over by a truck. Now, whenever Dr House has that look, I scream out "holy shit, the keys fell off the car!"

Man-up:

No. What if I’m "sensitive"(code)? Then what, Mr. Masculine know-it-all, huh? Why don’t you put on your big boy suspenders and stop using this. Oh, and stop using that one too.

I’m just sayin’:

If I was writing, I’d be just writin’. If I was cooking, I’d be just cookin’. Of course you are just saying...unless, of course, you’re simultaneously writin’ and dancin’. That would be very different, now, wouldn’t it? I’m just multi-taskin’? What you really mean to say is that you think what you said is true, but you won’t go to war over it.

Racial Profiling:

Israel does it very effectively. If I’m looking for an Arab terrorist, I make sure to feel up every old white woman, especially the Nuns, and the children with red hair. Sorry, but they should put up jumbo pictures of all eleven 911 terrorists in every airport with a sign saying, "If you look like this, we want to ask you a few questions."

Politically Correct:

What you mean is that your testicles are tucked WAY up inside your body, and you do not wish to offend anyone on earth-simultaneously-with a word, gesture, or a non-verbal cue. It’s called the profound pussification of society, which has now proven to be fatal to said society.

Any questions?

The Crank

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