Sarcastically Salving Society
Home of the Transcosmetic Party
A Place for Raging Moderates, Tragic Optimists, and Integral Outcasts
April 18, 2014
AS SNEEZING DEATHS RISE IN 14 STATES, CONSERVATIVE THINK TANK LINKS BRUTAL ALLERGY SEASON TO OBAMACARE • AS PART OF A LIBERAL PLOY, COASTAL CITIES ACROSS THE GLOBE DUMPING BILLIONS INTO "CLIMATE CHANGE" FLOOD PREVENTION • DEPRESSION INCREASES CHANCE OF SADNESS IN COSTLY DISCORD STUDY • RETRACTION: OUR HEADLINE "MICK ZANO TO REPLACE JOHNNY CARSON" SHOULD HAVE READ "STEPHEN COLBERT TO REPLACE DAVID LETTERMAN" • FOX NEWS POLL: ONLY FOUR PEOPLE ON OBAMACARE AND THEY ALL HATE IT • FRANTIC MESSAGE FROM FLIGHT 370'S BLACK BOX, "BATTERY RUNNING LOW. PLEASE PLUG IN THE AC ADAPTER." • OBAMA PROMOTES ECONOMIC OPPURTUNTIES FOR WOMEN "BUT NOT IN THIS COUNTRY" •
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The Hand of God
Dawn of the Dumb: A Look Back to 2012
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

In the year 2050 The Daily Discord is celebrating its 42nd anniversary and its one thousandth page view! Whoot! Whoot!...that’s almost 25 a year! We would like to look back to the time of the Discord’s inception—a time of turbulence, a time when humanity turned away from logic, reason, science, and a hit television show known only as Glee.

We found an interesting quote from one of our first contributors, Mick Zano, wherein he stated, "Fifty years from now you’ll be surprised how this period looked historically, well...if you’re a Republican."

We decided to humor the man known as the Discord’s Founding Father, or Blogstradomus, or Postpernicus—a man who many felt bordered on a violent political narcissism not seen since the Cantor Administration. Oh, and Cantor’s documentary is holding its own this week with Twilight 47: Why Won’t Edward Just Jump into a Meat Grinder Already? Part 4. Mr. Zano was distinguished enough to be on something called parole for most of his adult life and was eventually added to a prestigious group known as The Terrorist Watch List. In fifty-years of blogging that is the closest to an accolade this website has ever received.

Initially we couldn’t figure out Republican logic at all, then we uncovered an episode of Your World with Neil Cavuto. It explained everything! These Fox News viewers really thought it was their world, which angered the Earth Goddess, Gaia, who later told the press, "I got sick of these douche bags fracking me in the gas."

When Gaia fought back with her coordinated global climate initiative (GCI), many of the time mistook it for the Rapture. Some even preemptively took off their clothing in preparation for their God, Jehovah, to whisk them into the heavens. When nothing happened, many of these Rapturers were added to the sexual offender lists of the time as public nudity was then frowned upon.

Apparently, Republicans only cared about how much money they were going to make in something called the Stock Market. As it turned out, a disparity of wealth this large typically triggered a revolution, but any proper disobedience would have to wait as society embraced a number of falsehoods—not the least of which was "you’ll be rich soon too!" By 2017, one historian estimated there was more chance of winning the state lottery twice and getting hit by lightening in the penis than moving up a single socioeconomic bracket...which is ironically how he died. Moving up one socioeconomic bracket, what were you thinking?

Despite all rhyme or reason, Republicans remained convinced the best way to correct the U.S. budget and deficit problem was through...get this, supply side/trickledown economics. So they elected people who historically proved incapable of cutting anything except cheese and started numerous popular but unfunded social programs, kept waging wars, and kept not paying for any of these in the name of responsibility and fiscal conservatism.

The founder of the Transcosmetic Party, Mick Zano, covered this important stuff and both of his fans really appreciated him at the time as evidence by some recently recovered feedback, "Nice one, Zano, but can you bitches post more Ghetto Shaman?!"

Zano’s insights and predictions are stunning considering his affinity for bath salts—a substance that later triggered the Zombie Apocalypse of 2016.

Excesses of the prior thirty-years were greatly exacerbated under Bush, Obama, and then came to a head under Romney. We lost any chance during that time period of righting the economy or diverting global climate change. Many coastal Republicans refused to move and drowned, but as their living rooms filled with water Fox News Anchors reassured them it was only tears from God (who was still pissed off about Solyndra).

Of course, I am writing this from the Arizona Penal Colony. Privatizing prisons caused what was already the most incarcerated country in the world to mushroom to 35% of its population within five years. There was no incentive to ever release jaywalkers, or pot smokers, or especially those damndable jaywalking pot smokers.

Three presidents tried to pass a comprehensive immigration plan, but partisanship ended each attempt. After states were able to enforce their own immigration laws things really got ugly. Arizona was the obvious choice for the state-sized penal colony as it already had walls along its southern and eastern borders. A giant border wall was constructed along the entire southern border of the U.S. in 2014, later named The Great Wall of Stupid. Arizona then constructed a wall on its Eastern border after deeming New Mexico’s immigration policies "way too lenient."

Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s grandson, Joey Jr., is now the warden of the Arizona State Penal Colony. I live in an un-air-conditioned tent in the heart of the Sonoran Desert and, having never returned that library book, I am likely to die here. I take some small satisfaction in the fact the rest of the country’s border wall is gone. The Mexican Government eventually commissioned registered Republicans at minimum wage to tear down the eye sore in 2030.

The Romney-Corrections Corp. of America Act passed in 2015 and, of course, that’s how we eventually changed our country’s name to UCCA, the United Correction Corp. of America. And the rest is...we’re history.

Arizona was also a perfect choice for the penal colony, because—although Obamacare passed in 2012, it was deemed unconstitutional to force any expansion of the Medicaid program—so then Governor, Jan Brewer, refused the extra help in one more attempt by a Republican to save one dollar by losing ten. Without those critical services, Arizona soon slipped into a lawless state. The remaining two walls on the state’s western and northern borders were constructed in 2017 by Halliburton and the aforementioned Republican Migrant Workers. This poor unionless group remained happy because they believed if they worked hard at any moment they could be promoted to CEO. Most, sadly, were struck by lightning in the penis.

Oh, and our researchers found an article on The Daily Beast by David Frum about a poll designed to snap people out of their ideological delusions. As it turns out, when forced, liberals of the time were able to identify cuts and some semblance of an economic strategy. Republicans, however, for all their misdirected anger and bloviating, refused to make a decision about cutting anything. Hey, just like their presidents! Next time we decide to have a tea party, let’s leave the tea partiers out of it. Here is the Beast’s article.

Andrew Sullivan’s take on that very Frum piece:

"And people wonder why our debt exploded under Reagan and George W. Bush. And why it will explode once again if Romney becomes president. A party this irrational - a party hysterical about debt whose members do not actually want to cut spending or raise any taxes, a party a majority of whose members have somehow persuaded themselves that there were indeed WMDs in Iraq in 2003  - should not be a mainstream party in a Western democracy. It should be in therapy."

We marvel, as Zano did then, that there existed any insightful Republicans at all, so hat tip to Andrew and David of the past, a breed that officially went extinct during the Primary Wars of 2016. The last Republican with a clue is believed to have taken his own life during an episode of Hannity in early 2018.

Here’s another classic of the time Why I gave up on being a republican. Then came Thomas Frank’s book in 2012, Pity the Billionairea book first credited with identifying the phrase "Ignorance is Strength." This man covered how this "unified wrongness" on the Right turned out to be our ruination. This phenomenon was first covered by our own Mick Zano years before, but, sadly, no one ever clicked on one of his articles. It was 2012 when we really identified how ignorance and partisanship really changed the course of history, a phenomenon covered most thoroughly by the comedians of the time (hell, that should have been their first clue).

Since most records were lost during the Great Partisanship Wars of 2022, we did manage to find a quote from a man named W.B. Yeats, who our sources tell us was a prominent Discord contributor. His quote captures the essence of the time:

The best lack all conviction, while the worst

Are full of passionate intensity,

Surely, some revelation is at hand...

--W.B. Yeats

But don’t take off all your clothes just yet; it’s not going to be that kind of revelation.

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