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December 22, 2014
OBAMA DECLARES WAR ON POISONOUS FLORIDA CATERPILLAR • PELOSI: REPUBLICANS ENDANGER CIVILIZATION • ZANO: PELOSI HAS RARE, ACCURATE STATEMENT • WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO SEND SHIT FOR THIS MARQUEE/TICKER THING, ZANO! JESUS, WHAT AM I NOT PAYING YOU FOR? —PIERCE WINSLOW • OBAMA ADMITS TO SPENDING ALL NATION'S FLEX-FUNDS ON GOLF, STARBUCKS AND BEER • CONGRESS APPROVES BILL TO...HA HA HAH! KIDDING! CONGRESS DOESN’T APPROVE BILLS • TOP LIBERALS STRESS DIPLOMACY WHEN NEGOTIATING WITH EBOLA VIRUS •
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The Hand of God
The John Conner Interview
By Alex Bone
The John Conner Interview
Alex Bone

I caught up to John Conner, of Terminator fame, in an abandoned WWII weapons testing range. His mother, Sarah, was off hunting radioactive rabbits with a sling shot, so I was able to speak with him without her breaking my jaw...like last time.

John: You know this interview could be jeopardizing my life as well as the entire human race, right?

Bone: Relax, I heard that the Borg only watch Fox News so I think you’ll be safe.

John: Umm, you mean Terminators. Sounds like someone’s been doing his homework.

Bone: That was just a Star Wars joke.

John: Trek.

Bone: Whatever, look, let’s get started before your mother shows up and kicks my ass again.

John: OK, but make this quick, mom has me jogging a double marathon, practice shooting, and crickets don’t pickle and can themselves, you know.

Bone: So has Judgment Day already happened?

John: (after a long stare) Ah, no.

Bone: Will there still be beer after the apocalypse?

John: What? I don’t know maybe some, but it will be popular.

Bone: That sucks. Will it be easier to get chicks into bed? You know you could do the whole ‘we’re both about to die anyway, baby’ kind of thing.

John: Since Judgment Day hasn’t happened, how would I know this?

Bone: But you should be an expert in theoretical post-apocalyptic poontang (APP). Could you program a bunch of terminators to turn levers that work turbines in power plants, like that superhero does in that School House Rock video, and solve the energy crisis?

John: Huh? Where are you coming up with this crap?

Bone: Well, Terminators are the ones who go ex-terminator, ex-terminator, right?

John: Those are Daleks and they say exterminate. Jesus, dude. Shouldn’t you be asking me about what each person could be doing to help us avoid Judgment Day?

Bone: I’ll ask the questions. Now, if say you’re dating this hot futuristic chick, but when you went back in time you ended up having sex with her mother....that could add whole new verses to that song, "I’m my own grandpa." Or what if she’s like sixty-five when you return and all nasty looking? And would you tell your girlfriend that you slept with her mom or just burn the old photos up in her attic?

John: You’re an idiot. No wonder my mother punched you. Now I should really let everyone know about this certain Terminator weakness we discovered where—

Bone: Yeah, yeah, and that lawsuit with Sarah is still pending. So if they made a super hot terminator chick, like Boomer, would you sleep with her?

John: (Smiling) I’ve already done that, man, but again it’s a Terminator...Boomer is a Cylon.

Bone: Babylon 5?

John: Battlestar Galactica.

Bone: Oh, well you got some cyber nukkie, so high five, bro! Now let’s get back to the whole beer issue. Shit here comes your mom! I have to go. Oh no, she has that sling shot and it’s filled with cholla!

I barely escaped and, due to certain well targeted missiles, I was forced to type this whole interview standing. So after Judgment Day, there will be beer, but much less of it. But the chicks will be easier, so stock up on beer now and, wow, the apocalypse could rock! Thank you for visiting the Discord’s Science Department, where non-fiction meets considerable friction.

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