Sarcastically Salving Society
Home of the Transcosmetic Party
A Place for Raging Moderates, Tragic Optimists, and Integral Outcasts
April 24, 2015
I GAVE UP GIVING UP THINGS FOR LENT FOR LENT • OBAMA DECLARES WAR ON POISONOUS FLORIDA CATERPILLAR • PELOSI: REPUBLICANS ENDANGER CIVILIZATION • ZANO: PELOSI HAS RARE, ACCURATE STATEMENT • WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO SEND SHIT FOR THIS MARQUEE/TICKER THING, ZANO! JESUS, WHAT AM I NOT PAYING YOU FOR? —PIERCE WINSLOW • OBAMA ADMITS TO SPENDING ALL NATION'S FLEX-FUNDS ON GOLF, STARBUCKS AND BEER • CONGRESS APPROVES BILL TO...HA HA HAH! KIDDING! CONGRESS DOESN’T APPROVE BILLS •
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The Hand of God
Dino Farts the Cause of Prehistoric Global Warming?
By Erisa Brahe
Dino Farts the Cause of Prehistoric Global Warming?
Erisa Brahe

Late Jurassic Period, Earth – I am standing here in the middle of a Mesozoic marsh where I have sunk the Discord’s company Delorean past the fenders. As I wait for a creepy green puppet to appear and pull my car out of the mud with his mind, I figured I should report this story—a story I broke the boundaries of time and space to tell. There is evidence Global Warming happened in the prehistoric past, but the facts stink!

The theory of Global Warming seems to have been around Gorever (sorry!). It was certainly discussed when I was a wee kindergartener in the late 80’s, but it turns out that the threat and the controversy are far more ancient than was previously believed. Researchers have estimated methane emissions from sauropods may have contributed twice as much greenhouse gas than our modern industrial output.

Many have heard talk of cows and their droppings contributing to greenhouse gasses, but now think of a herd of cows releasing twice as much gas than the past 150 years of automobile exhaust and radio talk show hosts combined (not including Rush Limbaugh, of course). In other words, sauropods, or our friendly long-necked dinosaurs, had such strong flatulence it may have instigated climate change at the end of the Jurassic Period.

I tried interviewing these creatures, but it is difficult to grab the attention of an 85-foot Brachiosaurus with its head munching the tops of some ancient conifers. It is even more treacherous to approach one from behind as wind speeds can reach hurricane like levels, not to mention trying to dodge fecal debris the size of a small car. The smell is also atrocious and it’s everywhere! It’s like they’ve turned the entire Earth into a giant Dutchoven.

This is a politically and gastro-intestinally turbulent time. Local small mammals and herbivores have taken a strong stance on conservation and increasing air and water quality. A group of Progressodons even tried to ban beans and cabbage from all diets, but to no avail. The Republiraptors are up in their very tiny arms about the whole situation. Sayings like From My Cold Dead Bowels are everywhere. This countermovement has been started by a group calling themselves Freedom Farters.

"Screeeeee Screee! Hissss Screeeeeach!" said a white, balding T-Partisaurus in response to the report. 

I am told, from a reliable source, that this loosely translates to "The Discord sucks! And how dare you insult my fellow citizens with your future science when there is no proof that the increase in methane is impacting our climate? Are we not made in Godosaurasus’ image? First they tell us not to take dumps in the water supply, and now they don’t want us to fart! The Democratops have gone too far! I shart in their general direction!"

I tried to explain how the warm, moist environment was already a perfect example of a Greenhouse Earth, but I had to leave before the pack rabid Republiraptors chose to feed rather than discuss scientific issues.

Now, I find myself hiding from a dinosaur lynch mob under a pile of rocks, watching the Delorean disappear into the mud and contemplating how often history repeats itself.  I would beg for someone to send help, but there’s still a bounty on my head in 2012.

Oh, hey, Yoda. A little help?

"Sorry, Busy am I."

Great. Then may the Farts be with you!

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