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A Place for Raging Moderates, Tragic Optimists, and Integral Outcasts
July 25, 2014
THE NEXT PERSON WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT AQUAMAN UNDEROOS ARE, I'M JUST GOING TO PUNCH • NRA PLANNING "SOMETHING SPECIAL" FOR UPCOMING 75TH SCHOOL SHOOTING SINCE COLUMBINE • OIL TANKER EXPLODES OFF COAST OF JAPAN: NO GIANT MONSTERS CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY • TED CRUZ WINS REPUBLICAN STRAW POLL? THAT’S THE LAST STRAW POLL...YOU BROKE IT. • CLOSE GUANTONOMO: FIVE DOWN, 149 TO GO... I ADMIT THIS POSITION WON'T BE HORRIBLY POPULAR WITH HORRIBLE PEOPLE • IRONY ALERT: ICE FLOES DISAPPEARING FAST, REPUBLICAN THOUGHT GLACIALLY SLOW • OBAMA ASKS THE FIVE RELEASED TALIBAN PRISONERS TO "KINDLY RETURN TO GUANTANOMO" •
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The Hand of God
Are you a Serpent or a Rat? Take the Quiz of Yig!
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Are you one with Yig, or will be cowering in the corner when the Earth comes under peril this December? Take Yig’s Stalwart quiz and see where you stand in the eyes of the All Father Serpent. Oh, but if you fail badly, you might be devoured.




  1. You come across a person who has gotten into a bike accident and is knocked unconscious.
    1. Steal their wallet.
    2. Call for help and begin first aid.
    3. Become a snake.
    4. Ingest bath salts and chew off their face.

  1. You come upon a small pond where an invasive species of crawdad has moved in and is in the process of destroying the natural wildlife.
    1. Feed the crawfish crackers and hotdogs.
    2. They are enemies of Yig! Kill as many as you can and eat them.
    3. Report it to the park service on your iPhone.
    4. Ingest bath salts and chew off the crawdad’s insect-like faces.

  1. Your friend needs to be picked up from the airport.
    1. Screw that, the airport’s like an hour away.
    2. Show up with some tasty beverages on ice and hit a tavern or a nature spot on the way home.
    3. Become a snake.
    4. Say sure, but then when his plane arrives accidentally "space it."

  1. Through no fault of your own, you find yourself homeless.
    1. Move back in with your ex.
    2. Build a house out of pallet wood and ask your ex to move in.
    3. Become a snake and curl up anywhere.
    4. Couch surf baby!

  1. The zombie plague has started. You are about to escape town, when you see two children trapped inside a car surrounded by seven zombies and all you have is a baseball bat.
    1. Pretend to not see them and keep sexting your girlfriend.
    2. Lure the zombies away and kill them one at a time.
    3. Check to see if they eat snakes.
    4. Use this distraction to loot a nearby store for canned goods.

  1. Your significant other wants you to hold her purse/man purse while she tries on an article of clothing.
    1. Toss it on the bench, because that check-out girl is hot and you need to get her number.
    2. Hold it, but only at arm’s length as if it’s radioactive.
    3. Become a snake and crawl inside.
    4. Agree, but only so you can search for loose change.

  1. Your friend has fallen on hard times and needs a place to crash.
    1. Don’t return his calls and if he comes by pretend you’re not home.
    2. Grab a twelver and invite a few people over for a welcome to your sofa party.
    3. Tell him he can only stay if he can become a snake.
    4. Paying half of your rent and utilities to sleep in the shed sounds fair.

  1. You are out camping, you haven’t collected much wood yet, and a storm is approaching.
    1. Play The Doors Riders on the Storm and light a doobie.
    2. Make sure everyone else in the camp completes answer D, while you dig out a cold one from the cooler.
    3. Become a snake.
    4. Make a fire, start collecting wood, and get a tarp up.

  1. You are on a long road trip when the car breaks down in the middle of a lonely stretch of desert.
    1. Blame your friend and complain as loudly as possible.
    2. If the car can’t be fixed, gather water and offer to hike back to the nearest town.
    3. Become a snake, there should be a few desert rats around.
    4. Listen to reruns of ‘car talk’ on the radio until they describe your mechanical problem.

  1. You see Jack Primus surrounded by six sickle-wielding Glooms.
    1. Help the Glooms kill that pompous prick.
    2. Grab a weapon and attack them from behind.
    3. Become a snake.
    4. Runaway as quickly as possible and report it to The Daily Discord.

Scoring:

For each question answered "A" give yourself 10 rat points. For each question answered "D" give yourself five Rat points.

For each "B" give yourself 10 Yig points, and for each "C" give yourself a bonus one Yig point for just thinking about snakes.

If you have both Yig points and Rat points they cancel each other out. So for instance if you had 80 Yig points but 20 Rat points you would have a Yig score of 60. A person with 70 Rats points and 30 Yig points would have a Rat score of 40.

Rat Point Scale

1-10 – You are Mr./Ms. Anywhere the wind blows...yawn.

11-20 – You aren’t even a good villain.

21-30 – Embrace the dark side.

31-40 – The homeless and small children run from you.

41-50 – Babies cry at the sight of you.

51-60 – Evil organizations are trying to enlist you.

61-70 – You are wondering if you should put the title Overlord before your name.

71-80 – Anti-social personality disorder, why do they call it a disorder, everything’s working according to plan.

81-90 – You’ll return Satan’s call when you get around to it.

91-100 – Cthulhu has just made you the general of his land troops.

Yig Point Scale

1-10 – Oh boy...

11-20 – Someone needs to step up.

21-30 – Go collect some firewood.

31-40 – Okay, I’ll let you water my plants when I go abroad.

41-50 – You make a good babysitter.

51-60 – You want to go camping this weekend?

61-70 – We need to kill some crawdads.

71-80 – We need to kill some Migo.

81-90 – Yig has an assignment for you.

91-100 – Hey Jack, I didn’t see you standing there.

Would you like to learn more about Yig? Click here!

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