Sarcastically Salving Society
Home of the Transcosmetic Party
A Place for Raging Moderates, Tragic Optimists, and Integral Outcasts
March 30, 2015
I GAVE UP GIVING UP THINGS FOR LENT FOR LENT • OBAMA DECLARES WAR ON POISONOUS FLORIDA CATERPILLAR • PELOSI: REPUBLICANS ENDANGER CIVILIZATION • ZANO: PELOSI HAS RARE, ACCURATE STATEMENT • WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO SEND SHIT FOR THIS MARQUEE/TICKER THING, ZANO! JESUS, WHAT AM I NOT PAYING YOU FOR? —PIERCE WINSLOW • OBAMA ADMITS TO SPENDING ALL NATION'S FLEX-FUNDS ON GOLF, STARBUCKS AND BEER • CONGRESS APPROVES BILL TO...HA HA HAH! KIDDING! CONGRESS DOESN’T APPROVE BILLS •
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The Hand of God
Zuckerberg Lowered into Hole Until "It Rubs the Lotion on Its Skin"
Zuckerberg Lowered into Hole Until "It Rubs the Lotion on Its Skin"

Menlo Park, CA—Wall Street giant, Gordon Gekko, has decided on a proper punishment for the recent Facebook trading disaster. The CEO of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, was lowered into a hole yesterday by infamous serial killer Jame "Buffalo Bill" Gumb from Silence of the Lambs fame. Zuckerberg is sentenced to remain in the hole and will continue to "rub the lotion on its skin" until Facebook stock climbs back to at least 25 dollars a share.

Mr. Gumb explained to Zuckerberg, "It rubs the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again." Mr. Gumb has thus far ignored the prominent CEO’s pleas of generous payoffs and/or sexual favors. If stocks dip below ten dollars a share, Mr. Gumb plans to bring a whole new meaning to the word Facebook.

Mr. Gekko believes these tactics will help avoid poorly planned Initial Public Offerings, and should all but eliminate such trading glitches moving forward. Mr. Gekko went on to tell reporters, "If this shit doesn’t recover, I'm gonna tear his eyeballs out and I'm gonna suck his fucking skull. And when Romney wins the 2012 election, I plan to celebrate by wearing Zuckerberg’s face on my fucking face!" He then made an obscene cupping gesture and said, "Regulate this, Obama."

When asked if his famous quote was inspired by the Ghetto Shaman’s signature work The Tao of Skullfucking, Gekko replied, "No way," but later admitted to reporters, "But it is a good coffee table book for sure."

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