Sarcastically Salving Society
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July 28, 2014
THE NEXT PERSON WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT AQUAMAN UNDEROOS ARE, I'M JUST GOING TO PUNCH • NRA PLANNING "SOMETHING SPECIAL" FOR UPCOMING 75TH SCHOOL SHOOTING SINCE COLUMBINE • OIL TANKER EXPLODES OFF COAST OF JAPAN: NO GIANT MONSTERS CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY • TED CRUZ WINS REPUBLICAN STRAW POLL? THAT’S THE LAST STRAW POLL...YOU BROKE IT. • CLOSE GUANTONOMO: FIVE DOWN, 149 TO GO... I ADMIT THIS POSITION WON'T BE HORRIBLY POPULAR WITH HORRIBLE PEOPLE • IRONY ALERT: ICE FLOES DISAPPEARING FAST, REPUBLICAN THOUGHT GLACIALLY SLOW • OBAMA ASKS THE FIVE RELEASED TALIBAN PRISONERS TO "KINDLY RETURN TO GUANTANOMO" •
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Zuckerberg Lowered into Hole Until "It Rubs the Lotion on Its Skin"
Zuckerberg Lowered into Hole Until "It Rubs the Lotion on Its Skin"

Menlo Park, CA—Wall Street giant, Gordon Gekko, has decided on a proper punishment for the recent Facebook trading disaster. The CEO of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, was lowered into a hole yesterday by infamous serial killer Jame "Buffalo Bill" Gumb from Silence of the Lambs fame. Zuckerberg is sentenced to remain in the hole and will continue to "rub the lotion on its skin" until Facebook stock climbs back to at least 25 dollars a share.

Mr. Gumb explained to Zuckerberg, "It rubs the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again." Mr. Gumb has thus far ignored the prominent CEO’s pleas of generous payoffs and/or sexual favors. If stocks dip below ten dollars a share, Mr. Gumb plans to bring a whole new meaning to the word Facebook.

Mr. Gekko believes these tactics will help avoid poorly planned Initial Public Offerings, and should all but eliminate such trading glitches moving forward. Mr. Gekko went on to tell reporters, "If this shit doesn’t recover, I'm gonna tear his eyeballs out and I'm gonna suck his fucking skull. And when Romney wins the 2012 election, I plan to celebrate by wearing Zuckerberg’s face on my fucking face!" He then made an obscene cupping gesture and said, "Regulate this, Obama."

When asked if his famous quote was inspired by the Ghetto Shaman’s signature work The Tao of Skullfucking, Gekko replied, "No way," but later admitted to reporters, "But it is a good coffee table book for sure."

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