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January 29, 2015
OBAMA DECLARES WAR ON POISONOUS FLORIDA CATERPILLAR • PELOSI: REPUBLICANS ENDANGER CIVILIZATION • ZANO: PELOSI HAS RARE, ACCURATE STATEMENT • WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO SEND SHIT FOR THIS MARQUEE/TICKER THING, ZANO! JESUS, WHAT AM I NOT PAYING YOU FOR? —PIERCE WINSLOW • OBAMA ADMITS TO SPENDING ALL NATION'S FLEX-FUNDS ON GOLF, STARBUCKS AND BEER • CONGRESS APPROVES BILL TO...HA HA HAH! KIDDING! CONGRESS DOESN’T APPROVE BILLS • TOP LIBERALS STRESS DIPLOMACY WHEN NEGOTIATING WITH EBOLA VIRUS •
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By Erisa Brahe
Erisa Brahe

USA – There are many reports of bizarre and carnivorous crimes sweeping the country, from a nude Miami-man gnawing on his victim’s face, to a New Jersey man wielding his own intestines as a weapon against police, to a local Shaman doing inappropriate things to people’s skulls.

There are many who fear these are precursors to a full blown Zombie Apocalypse. While this has many Doomsday Preppers running to their cat-food-filled bunkers with glee, the uproar has left one neglected demographic insulted and alienated: your friendly neighborhood cannibal.

The pro-cannibal program, Cannibals for Humans as an Ethical Food Source (CHEFS), is working diligently to defend the civil rights of cannibals within the U.S. and promoting awareness of this unique life style choice.

President of CHEFS, Manny Tacos, told the Press today, "A zombie is a fantastical creature that is the animated remains of a deceased human with an insatiable craving for the brains of the living. Cannibals, on the other hand, are living humans who consume all of the succulent cuts of flesh from all hominids and deserve to be treated with the same rights and respect as any other minority group." 

With their slogan, "If you are what you eat, umm, connect the fucking dots already!" CHEFS’ past efforts have covered a wide range of issues from Florida’s Stand Your Ground Meat Laws, to promoting organ donations, to helping develop Huftu (Human-flavored Tofu).

"Some of my friends only eat Vegans," said Mr. Tacos, "which I think is a noble gesture. And, in a show of good faith, we have dropped our lawsuit against the makers of the Manwich for false advertising."

Currently, CHEFS is producing a massive ad campaign designed to inform and reassure the public that "Mostly harmless cannibals, not zombies, are devouring folks."

Mr. Tacos feels it’s similar to the Wanda Syke’s, "When you say, ‘That’s so gay.’ Do you realize what you are saying?" ad.

CHEFS has funded a series of ads and billboards designed to calm the masses, with slogans like, "We’re not Zombies. Please don’t flee," and "Become an organ donor...today!"

"Calling a cannibal a zombie is like calling a Republican a Democrat, a pirate a ninja, a Fox News anchor a journalist, or a journalist a Discord contributor," said Tacos, who then left to retrieve some fava beans and a dry Chianti from his pantry.

This gave me enough time to chew though my bonds and escape the human-sized cooking pot in his kitchen. I’m Elisa Brahe, reporting for The Daily Discord, happily not the other white meat.

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