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July 24, 2014
THE NEXT PERSON WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT AQUAMAN UNDEROOS ARE, I'M JUST GOING TO PUNCH • NRA PLANNING "SOMETHING SPECIAL" FOR UPCOMING 75TH SCHOOL SHOOTING SINCE COLUMBINE • OIL TANKER EXPLODES OFF COAST OF JAPAN: NO GIANT MONSTERS CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY • TED CRUZ WINS REPUBLICAN STRAW POLL? THAT’S THE LAST STRAW POLL...YOU BROKE IT. • CLOSE GUANTONOMO: FIVE DOWN, 149 TO GO... I ADMIT THIS POSITION WON'T BE HORRIBLY POPULAR WITH HORRIBLE PEOPLE • IRONY ALERT: ICE FLOES DISAPPEARING FAST, REPUBLICAN THOUGHT GLACIALLY SLOW • OBAMA ASKS THE FIVE RELEASED TALIBAN PRISONERS TO "KINDLY RETURN TO GUANTANOMO" •
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The Hand of God
The Fudge Report: The Disservice of Matt Drudge
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I chose June 3rd to interpret Matt Drudge’s sad, ideological nonsense over on The Drudge Report. For those of you non-Drudgers, this guy cherry picks headlines designed to embarrass the President and reorganizes information in the guise of a news site. These headlines seem damning and they often paint quite a picture. What they don’t tell you is the artist of said picture has been huffing the paint fumes.

If you actually read these articles, the facts are typically more damning to the Right. How could they be otherwise? Every day I scan the Drudge and cringe. If you read the articles on June 3rd (yes, one day’s worth of BS), here are the headlines followed by my interpretation:

Hillary Tours Arctic to See "Impact of Climate Change"

Universal Translator = Yes, for those among us who scorn science and reason, this trip is some pleasure cruise to the frozen wasteland. Perhaps this voyage is another example of misspent stimulus funds?

Fact: every year we lose enough ice on this planet to fill eight Lake Eries, so I think you can tear the quotes down around climate change any time now, dip shit. Call me a crazy, but studying our next potential mass extinction seems a worthwhile investment. Besides, Obama understands how sending the Ice Queen to the Pole could refreeze entire sections of our glaciers for the price of a simple cruise ticket. Touché Mr. President. Touché.’ Of course, had he mistakenly sent his big mouthed Veep instead, Manhattan would already look like Venice at high tide.

Even Maureen Dowd Begins To Turn.

Universal Translator = Umm, yeah, because Obama is too conservative for Maureen’s taste. And, sure Libs can change their minds; they actually have minds to change. Liberals are angry because Obama is still pandering to Conservatives when they deserve nothing but deportation. Kidding! Four years of Romney and all political comedians will likely join the one percent. Republicans are a national treasure, comedically speaking.

This Dowd line captures the essence of her article:

"As president, Obama has never felt the need to explain or sell his signature pieces of legislation — the stimulus and health care bills — or stanch the flow of false information from the other side."

Yes, Matt, you can translate this as Obama’s failure to defend his achievements and failure to have you arrested. How embarrassing.

Weak Economy Points to Obama Constraints

Universal Translator = This implies Obama is restricting things, regulating the markets, and single handedly destroying our economy. Riiight. If you actually read the article—which Mr. Drudge is betting you won’t—it actually blames Obama’s "constraints" on China devaluing its currency, Europe’s woes, and an unwillingness of Congress to pass anything until the early Romney Administration. There’s only one of those three things we have any control over and who’s cock blocking whom? Check out two separate think tank gurus on our Republicans attempt to end our Republic here. Here’s a quote from the NYT article Mr. Drudge linked to:

"And now, despite their own record-low numbers in the polls, they [Congress] have next to no incentive to help an embattled Democratic president lift the economy."

Republicans have no incentive to save us, which is a Star Spangled Bummer. Maybe a Patriotism for Dummies book could help. The Right is twice as angry at a president who in reality is only half as bad as their last guy. Distortions, delusions, and defund, oh my!

Oh, and then Mr. Drudge has this headline listed on the same flipping day.

This Summer ‘Eerie Echo’ of Pre-Lehman...

Universal Translator = This is an interesting attempt at bending logic (even by Republican standards). Maybe Mr. Drudge just missed the irony while riding the short bus to work. It is hard to see with those special helmets on. No, Mr. Drudge. Don’t hurt yourself! It upsets the other children:

Matt, by choosing this headline, is implying that our financial system is about to collapse because Obama has not regulated big banks, which the Right wouldn’t allow. The Republicans blocked finance reform back in 2010 as covered by the NYT here.

This ‘Eerie Echo’ of Pre-Lehman article believes the market’s vulnerability involves the collapse of the Euro and nothing more. They’re saying the collapse of the Euro may well be on par with the housing bubble. Oh wait but Obama is a Kenyan/European/socialist so I do see the connection. It is his fault.

Here’s another gem:

Rachel Maddow: ‘The less you talk about the election, the more your ratings go up’

Universal Translator = The implication is that the enthusiasm is low on the left and the Dems are quaking in their shoes for the 2012 election. Actually, Maddow just explained the natural lull during an election cycle after the primary season ends. Besides, didn’t we all deserve a lengthy break after 427 of the most ridiculous debates in our planet’s history? Kidding! The 2008 Primaries were worse.

Obama Gets Left Behind; Libs Turn...

Universal Translator = This is true. Many libs, like Maureen Dowd, are piping in their disgust, but it’s because Libs aren’t getting much on their wish list. And the reality that the Right will never admit is this: Obama is governing more like Reagan than Reagan did. Libs want someone more liberal. Bill Maher said it best when ranting against the GOP contenders:

"Newt Gingrich called Obama the most radical Leftist President in history. Senator Marco Rubio called him the most divisive figure in American history. Michele Bachmann said Obama is the most radical President we have ever seen in the history of the country ...John Bolton said Obama just doesn’t care about national security. Honestly, there are Mexican drug mules who don’t pull this much stuff out of their ass."

See more of that Real Time riveting rant here.

We May Have to Work Until We’re 80 Post Crisis

Universal Translator = I know Matt Drudge is again trying to embarrass Obama, but let me sum this one up for you. Keep in mind, the crisis began in the U.S. in 2008 and then spread to Europe soon thereafter. So...

Before George W. Bush was president the world could retire at 65, now, post Bush, one AIG executive thinks we should all be prepared to work until we’re 80.

Yeah team America! Let’s put the Iranian War on Visa too. What’s the big deal? There’s plenty more plastic where that came from. My sources tell me, little Chinese children mine new credit cards each day from deep within the Himalayan Mountains  (at least for our gold and platinum cards).

America is exceptional, so much so it’s ready for the Exceptional Olympics.

Debt Has Increased More in Last 15 Months Than First 97 Congresses -- Combined!

Yep, true story = This is all you will hear until the election. They will present this one "fact" in every pie chart and graph known to mankind. It’s the only number that has any meaning to a Foxeteer, which is your hint that there’s more to this story. As not to beat this dead elephant, my take on the botched debt deal debacle here.

The right doesn’t want any course corrections under Obama, even though we all know these are primarily republican excesses accumulated over that last three decades (or Alex Bone’s bar tab).

This headline gives them all a boner (a Boehner?). Headlines like these will run on Drudge right up until the erection (sorry, it’s the Boehner thing). This is the only point they have...they created this problem and locked us into this decaying orbit and have successfully convinced 40% of our population they have nothing to do with it.

Republicans refuse to help fix their own mess precisely because they want a headline that reads: Debt Has Increased More Than First 97 Congresses Combined! You know, a better America through destroying it. (It’s catchy. Maybe we could petition to have it added to the lyrics of America. My country borrowed for these...wars, cuts, and Medicare D, for free I sing). Why are Republicans so mathematically impaired?

Just before sending this off to Mr. Winslow on June 5th, I made the mistake of perusing the Drudge (that’s five minutes of my life I’ll never get back...time better spent banging my head against the steering wheel). This was posted the next day but deserves an honorable mention award: 'Pulitzer' Newspaper Mocks Drudge For Informing Readers...

No, he’s not talking about The Daily Discord, this time. I’m sure our Pulitzer just got lost in the mail (if our Government could only have afforded to spring for overnight shipping). But notice Pulitzer is in single quotes...just like Climate Change. I think there’s a clear difference between informing and misinforming, Mr. Drudge.

 So, on that note, keep reading The Drudge "Report".

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