Sarcastically Salving Society
Home of the Transcosmetic Party
A Place for Raging Moderates, Tragic Optimists, and Integral Outcasts
January 30, 2015
OBAMA DECLARES WAR ON POISONOUS FLORIDA CATERPILLAR • PELOSI: REPUBLICANS ENDANGER CIVILIZATION • ZANO: PELOSI HAS RARE, ACCURATE STATEMENT • WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO SEND SHIT FOR THIS MARQUEE/TICKER THING, ZANO! JESUS, WHAT AM I NOT PAYING YOU FOR? —PIERCE WINSLOW • OBAMA ADMITS TO SPENDING ALL NATION'S FLEX-FUNDS ON GOLF, STARBUCKS AND BEER • CONGRESS APPROVES BILL TO...HA HA HAH! KIDDING! CONGRESS DOESN’T APPROVE BILLS • TOP LIBERALS STRESS DIPLOMACY WHEN NEGOTIATING WITH EBOLA VIRUS •
TopicsTopics
ContributorsContributors
FeaturesFeatures
Subscribe Now Subscribe Now
Search The Discord Search The Discord
About Us About Us
Contact Us Contact Us
Site Map Site Map
Be our friend...
...with benefits
Show us your tweets...
Follow The Daily Discord on Twitter
...and we'll show you ours
Follow The Daily Discord on MySpace
Write for the Discord
Presidential All Seeing Eye

Kiester Island

Khamenei Rork and Tattoo Ahmadinejad

Bill Clinton and his Asian Harem

Obama squares of with Gandalf the Gray over Health Care

Tactics to Draw Out Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan Questioned, Danish Mohammed cartoons for sale

Second Inconvenient Truth Linked to Al Gore’s Cross-Dressing

Moe-hammad
The Hand of God
David Sedaris and His Facebook Nazis
By Mick Zano
David Sedaris and His Facebook Nazis
Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—Always on the job, I attended the David Sedaris show on Friday April 27th over at glamorous NAU. Sedaris is supposed to be an autograph-friendly-legend (AFL), but one person was clearly gypped. You might be wondering who? I was supposed to ask him some questions that I scribbled down on the ride over. The plan was to ask him as many of these questions as possible until his bodyguards dragged me or him away. Then I would categorize our brief, yet turbulent encounter as "an interview"...you know, the usual.

I figured the signing would suit my needs, but man the line was long—the director’s cut of Twilight long. I was about to head back to my seat when I realized the line was down to one person, presumably because they announced, "The show is starting, so piss off." But I managed to sneak behind the last person in line. Once I was standing before the comedic legend himself, I did my traditional unfolding of the biggest receipt in my wallet. I smoothed it out all nice like and then slid it over for him to sign. Then one of his evil minions said, "That’s it. The other guy was last." I was shirked, rudely shirked! Now you see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help, I’m being repressed! I recovered quickly, because I am a professional, after all, and I told Dave, "Hey, I’m looking forward to the show." He ignored my comment and zipped up his little bag of Sharpies and walked showard. The bastard! So I did the only thing a self-respecting blogger would do...I picked up the one Sharpie that had dropped on the floor and huffed the thing dry.

Actually, this was my small revenge:

My small revenge

That’ll teach him to mess with an important voice of the press.

Before I continue with the Sedaris character assassination, I will state for the record, he’s a comedic genius and a talented author. I enjoy his work immensely. Let’s face it, he’s approaching nearly a Zano level of talent (NZLOT). What really impressed me was his natural wit during the question and answer phase of the night’s festivities. Now, having said that, onward with the personal assault!

The show was very funny, but I had already read one of the selections he chose to recite. It was a story from The New Yorker. In fact, I think they were all recycled excerpts. Then he did the same snail joke he used on The Jon Stewart show. Sure it’s a funny joke, but the second time....?

Guy gets woken up at 2AM by his doorbell. He opens the door and sees a snail perched on his porch.

The snail says, "Hi, I'm going door-to-door selling magazines. Could I interest you in a subscription?"

Enraged, the guy boots the snail off his porch, sending him sailing.

Two years later, doorbell rings again, and one more time it's the snail.

"What the fuck was that all about?"

[Canned Laughter]

OK, if he can do it, I can do it. Is that his secret to success? You want a great recycled joke?

So this koala bear walks into a bar...No, I can’t do it. Only original jokes here at the Discord. I have higher standards.

I was sitting waaaay in the back of the auditorium, so far back I think it would have taken me longer to get in a question than that snail. And, for all of my trouble, it would have probably ended similarly for me. The show was sold out and packed to the gills with a variety of college students, professors, and locals. Since the whole question and answer thing wasn’t working for me, I decided to catch him after the show, but, again, the line ended up being waaaay too long. Besides, I had places to go and people to see. Parole officers expect punctuality.

I decided to get on David Sedaris’ official Facebook site the next day, as I was still desperately trying to salvage some kind of a story. You see, when Mr. Winslow wants a story, he gets a story. Not a very accurate or well written one—it’s more about deadlines with him. And, for us contributors, it’s more about missing those deadlines. My boss needs to understand I have other offers in the industry. I’m just simply omitting exactly what industry (hint: it rhymes with corn).

So I resolved to ask my thoughtfully prepared question on Dave’s official FB site. Here’s what I asked:

Thanks for coming to Flagstaff, Dave! Enjoyed the show. You were great during the Q&A section. I was in the back so I didn’t get to ask you this important question: was your latest book Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk inspired by Rick Man-On-Dog Santorum?

It’s not a gottcha question. It’s a legitimate enquiry, right?

Fact Check: Mr. Santorum’s statement during the Republican Primaries, wherein he suggested homosexuality led to bestiality, was made nearly two years after the release of Mr. Sedaris’ book. You asked the question, because you are a juvenile proto-journalist with an ego the size of our defense budget.

Damn you Fact Check! Damn you! Can we disable this feature, Mr. Winslow? Otherwise I’m applying at The Onion......again.

Then I check back on the site the next morning and my comment is gone... utterly wiped from our virtual world as if it had never existed! Stripped from the comment thread like it was simply some Constitutional Amendment. Very neighborly, Dave. I think he was afraid of the question. Apparently, my cutting edge journalistic endeavors frighten him.

Well, if you tune in to his Facebook site on 5/29, I will be posting this very question on his site:

Dear Dave,

Here’s another question I never got to ask you in Flagstaff. Was your book When You Are Engulfed in Flames inspired by Michael Jackson or Richard Pryor? Take your time. Oh, and check out my complete grilling of you and your overrated career right here on The Daily Discord.

You’ll have to have near perfect timing, because his Facebook Nazis are fast on the draw. Maybe my next post should be Blogger Seeks Interview. How about an interview with the Discord, Mr. Sedaris? You will be given a fair shake. Or maybe I’ll just boot you off my porch, sending you sailing. Then I will receive an email in about two years asking, "What the fuck was that all about?"

Come on Dave. You don’t want to risk being downgraded to somewhat-near-Zano-level of talent (SNZLoT).

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Discord Videos
A Slow News Day at Discord Headquarters
A Slow News Day at Discord Headquarters
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord


Westboro Baptist Church Vs. the Daily Discord and GOD
Westboro Baptist Church Vs. The Daily Discord and GOD
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 S.T.Q. EP 2: the Ghosts of Oatman
 The Final Final Ending of S.T.Q Episode 1
 The Exciting Conclusion of Search Truth Quest: Ep 1
 Search Truth Quest: EP 1 PT 4:
Speed Powder
More Videos...
Decrepit Discord
 The Bush Administration Did Get Something Right
 Developing: Obama Set to Unveil New Keystone Pipeline Plan
 Why Don’t Folks Like the ACA? It’s Bullshit, Stupid
 Atheist Activists Can Learn a Lot From the Burgermeister
 Rogen and Franco Sent to N. Korea to Explain "Misunderstanding"
 Statler and Waldorf Weigh in on Torture
 Coach, What Do We Do If Stanton Can't Play?
 Final Thoughts on Ferguson, Torture, and Beyond
 Zano Hacks Rogen!
 Final Thoughts on the Culture War Zano Debate
 Big Government Is Bad but Big Government Torture Is Glug, Glug, Great!
 Pokey V Zano: Our Culture War for Dummies
 Einstein’s Special Theory of Terrortivity
 Conservative Think Tank Discovers Way to Get Plastic Bags Right From Your Store to a Dolphin's Face
 GOP Turns Focus of Benghazi Investigation to Giant Rock Near Spain
 Fox News Reacts to Allegations of Torture
 Lack of Evidence Only Emboldens Benghazi Truthers
 Polarization Nation Watch
 The Grand Old Potty
 Republicans Accuse God of Being "Weak on Terror"
 Final Biblical Prophecy Fulfilled!
 Dems Distance Themselves Further From Strengthening Economy
 Team S.T.Q. Asked to Hunt Down Vlad the Impala?
 S.T.Q. EP 2: the Ghosts of Oatman
 Obama Uses Executive Order to Overrule Turkey Pardon
 Cranky Crank’s Damage Repair
 The GOP: Putting the ID Back Into Ideology
 Interview With the Zanblogger
 Fat Albert and Several Cosby Kids Allege Cosby Abuse
 Stay Calm and Daily Discord
 Charlie Manson Upgrades Forehead Tattoo
 Discord’s Scotland Independence Post Deemed a Hoax
 Dear Hollywood, Please Get Post-Apocalyptic Vegas Right!
 Bush Senior: Wakes up Every Morning in Cold Sweat Asking, "Is George Jr Still in Charge?"
 Reptilican Virus Spreading in the Elderly
 Adults...Shouldn't We Just Keep Electing Them?
 Zano’s 21 Day of Self-Imposed Ebola Isolation Deemed 'Job Avoidance' Stunt
 Before the Most Interesting Man in the World...
 The Ebola Spring
 Somehow This Captures the Essence of the Midterms
 High Life in the Pines Indie Music Festival: Featuring Lit
 Post Midterms: Discord Reaches Potty Humor Capacity
 Zano: Inconsolable, Sobbing and Refusing to Leave Local Bar
 Republicans Seize the Dung! Crape Diem?
 The Final Final Ending of S.T.Q Episode 1
 Colorado's First Pot Related Fatality
 Congressman’s Protest in Front of Library Ends Poorly
 Typhoid Kaci? Will Obama Authorize Drone Strike on Quarantine-Violating Nurse?
 Jack Primus Thwarts Conservative Attempt to Reanimate Undead Voters
 Introducing the President and Vice President of the United States!
 Please Find Literate Folks to Defend the Constitution
 Second Hanks Lawsuit in As Many Weeks
 A Confused Canada Challenges ISIS to Pick up Hockey Game
 CDC Downplaying Ebola Victims Sudden Craving for Human Flesh
 Let’s Do the Time Warp Again
 Discord Endorses Warren Webb Ticket!
 Is the Constitution Obsolete in This Zano Nation?
 Discord Business Model Switching to "All Cats and Babies"
 The Exciting Conclusion of Search Truth Quest: Ep 1
 Discord Fast Approaching One Ad Per One Lawsuit Ratio
RSS Subscriptions
Search
About Us
Contact Us