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August 23, 2014
TOP LIBERALS STRESS DIPLOMACY WHEN NEGOTIATING WITH EBOLA VIRUS • THE PERRY INDICTMENT SOUNDS LIKE BULLSHIT, BESIDES WE NEED A PERRY PRESIDENTIAL RUN...IF NOT FOR YOURSELF, DO IT FOR COMEDY! • I BELIEVE THAT THE "ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE" SHOULD ONLY BE MET IN WHITE T-SHIRTS AND NO BRA • THE MOST CONSERVATIVE CITY IN U.S. IS MESA ARIZONA • IN RELATED NEWS: THE BIGGEST SHITHOLE IN ARIZONA IS MESA • MOST LIBERAL TOWN IN ARIZONA IS FLAGSTAFF • BEST TOWN IN ARIZONA...UH, GUESS •
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Man Who Lost Everything on Facebook Investment Vents on Twitter
Dave Blotchenski

Indianapolis, IN—E*Trader and yuppie wannabe, Dave Blotchenski, lost most of his retirement money this week after investing in the ill fated Facebook wave.

"I just thought, hell, I’m on Facebook all the flippin’ time, so is everyone else," said Blotchenski. "Besides, Facebook promised to create thousands of new millionaires, and guess who was the first of my friends to like? Isn’t that worth something anymore? Now every time I see that little E*Trade baby I want to kick him in his pre-toddler face."

Upon news of the massive dip in the company’s stock, Blotchenski tweeted, "Help! I lost it Al! I have officially bought the FarmVille!"

He meant to type, "I lost it all" but later blamed the typo on a combination of insomnia and household inhalants.

His pleas did not fall on deaf ears as several Facebookers came to the rescue by leaving important comments like, "Did you see the Ranger/Devils game last night?" and "You lost it Al? Who’s Al? LOL" and "You said you’d help me acquire a FarmVille tractor, bitch?!" Four others inexplicably liked his comment.

Mr. Blotchenski admitted after stocks fell to 38 dollars a share, he considered virtual suicide. "I just wanted to unplug everything, all of it, and maybe go outside."

To the horror of his family, who were completely engrossed in X-Box 360 at the time, Mr. Blotchenski was last seen heading to a park with a baseball bat and a mitt. Having no idea where the neighborhood park is exactly, his family has been asking if any members of his social sites have seen him.

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