Sarcastically Salving Society
Home of the Transcosmetic Party
A Place for Raging Moderates, Tragic Optimists, and Integral Outcasts
December 18, 2014
OBAMA DECLARES WAR ON POISONOUS FLORIDA CATERPILLAR • PELOSI: REPUBLICANS ENDANGER CIVILIZATION • ZANO: PELOSI HAS RARE, ACCURATE STATEMENT • WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO SEND SHIT FOR THIS MARQUEE/TICKER THING, ZANO! JESUS, WHAT AM I NOT PAYING YOU FOR? —PIERCE WINSLOW • OBAMA ADMITS TO SPENDING ALL NATION'S FLEX-FUNDS ON GOLF, STARBUCKS AND BEER • CONGRESS APPROVES BILL TO...HA HA HAH! KIDDING! CONGRESS DOESN’T APPROVE BILLS • TOP LIBERALS STRESS DIPLOMACY WHEN NEGOTIATING WITH EBOLA VIRUS •
TopicsTopics
ContributorsContributors
FeaturesFeatures
Subscribe Now Subscribe Now
Search The Discord Search The Discord
About Us About Us
Contact Us Contact Us
Site Map Site Map
Be our friend...
...with benefits
Show us your tweets...
Follow The Daily Discord on Twitter
...and we'll show you ours
Follow The Daily Discord on MySpace
Four Flags
Presidential All Seeing Eye

Kiester Island

Khamenei Rork and Tattoo Ahmadinejad

Bill Clinton and his Asian Harem

Obama squares of with Gandalf the Gray over Health Care

Tactics to Draw Out Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan Questioned, Danish Mohammed cartoons for sale

Second Inconvenient Truth Linked to Al Gore’s Cross-Dressing

Moe-hammad
The Hand of God
Aging: It May Be Fucked Up but Maybe Less So
By Cokie McGrath
Cokie McGrath

Age related decline is a phenomenon sweeping the nation. You may recognize this subtle foe to establishing and maintaining relationships. For example, "Sure, honey. I can pick that up from the store" quickly turns to..."Umm, why am I going to the store?" Other symptoms include: fumbling around for beers long since consumed, emphatic arguments with inanimate objects—typically of the malfunctioning variety—and accusations of moving items which have remained stationary for years...like, for example, your house.

Similarly, loved ones experiencing this condition may ask several times, "Have you seen my keys?" Not to worry, there is a solution. Mexico is now offering affordable long-term plans available for monthly installments. Flexible tax policies and generous bribes facilitate the placement of your loved one in a "semi-habitable establishment" where infermera Ratchet is always vigilant and people wish their meat contained pink slime filler.

There is a difference between age related decline and Alzheimer’s. The Crank recently summed things up nicely, "If you forget where you left your keys, you’re getting old. If you forget what your keys are for, you have Alzheimer’s." Never truer words were flash light battery. Sorry, bad Alzheimer’s joke.

I chose this topic because some older people in my life, one in particular, is starting to become really limited...He’s getting dumb...monkey with a gun dumb. So I wanted to know 1.) Is it simply part of the normal aging process?, and 2.) Can I use some of this research material to exploit and demean him?

As most of you are well aware there are some common trends with regards to the aging process—these generally moves through Eric Erikson’s famous stages of development, namely AC/DC to NPR to AARP to RIP. I think that’s all of them.

Many folks start to lose their hair, lose their hearing and lose their brain cells, while each year they pick up those few unwanted pounds...of medical marijuana (going to pot joke omitted by management). Some of the less obvious changes come in the form of hormonal changes. In men this is a more gradual process, hardly recognizable unless you’re my boss, Pierce mid-life-crisis Winslow, who spends most of his time flinking (an unsettling combination of drinking and flirting).

But, for women, hormonal changes can be a potentially more dramatic event called menopause. For those who have not yet experienced this feminine benchmark, it may not be that devastating. Recent studies show how expectations play a key role in the severity of menopause. In fact, some ladies do not seem to have much difficulty with the transition at all. So keep a positive attitude and avoid too much flinking. Of course on the other side of the spectrum...invest in chainmail, gents, and always where a cup.

In general, much of today’s research is more positive about the aging process. We all know some of the negative inevitabilities involved with our life-spans, but much of the news about our level of control over certain aspects is encouraging. Research has recently shown that the elderly can maintain healthy sex lives until their seventies and beyond! It is also believed that, despite age-related brain degeneration, general intelligence remains stable until late in life. This brings a certain accuracy to the term old fuckers.

Whereas many things are forgotten, like names and facts (covered nicely in the latest Crank feature), unconscious memory seems inexplicably intact throughout the life span. So there is considerable good news on the aging front; certain behaviors and dietary choices can actually help delay some of the natural cognitive deterioration associated with aging, as well as age related diseases. I’ve even heard blueberries can have beneficial effects for the aging brain, so that chick who turned into a giant blueberry in Willy Wonka may be fat, but she’s sharp as a tack. Just keep all tacks away from her please.

Individuals can avoid such debilitating diseases such as dementia by simply exercising more later in life. Diet, particularly calcium, can help delay cognitive aspects of aging as well. Still, I’m not sure the Discord crew’s infatuation with Chucky Cheeses is healthy. But there are things you can start doing right now that will decrease your chances of developing some of the most common geriatric brain diseases.

More importantly, I can now—with a keen scholarly accuracy—make fun of my boss for ignoring every important health study. We have always known that healthy lifestyles are important, but current research is stressing how we should maintain those good behaviors into our golden years, aka, long after you’re barred from Chucky Cheeses.

Oh, and sorry Mr. Winslow, flinking is not yet associated with any cognitive benefits whatsoever, but ask your doctor if drunken flirting is right for you.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Discord Videos
S.T.Q. EP 2: the Ghosts of Oatman
S.T.Q. EP 2: The Ghosts of Oatman
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord


The Final Final Ending of S.T.Q Episode 1
The Final Final Ending of S.T.Q Episode 1
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 The Exciting Conclusion of Search Truth Quest: Ep 1
 Search Truth Quest: EP 1 PT 4:
Speed Powder
 Search Truth Quest: EP1 Part 3: Lair of the Hot Barista
 Search Truth Quest: Part 2 EP 1: Undulating Maggots of Doom
More Videos...
Decrepit Discord
 Before the Most Interesting Man in the World...
 The Ebola Spring
 Somehow This Captures the Essence of the Midterms
 High Life in the Pines Indie Music Festival: Featuring Lit
 Post Midterms: Discord Reaches Potty Humor Capacity
 Zano: Inconsolable, Sobbing and Refusing to Leave Local Bar
 Republicans Seize the Dung! Crape Diem?
 The Final Final Ending of S.T.Q Episode 1
 Colorado's First Pot Related Fatality
 Congressman’s Protest in Front of Library Ends Poorly
 Typhoid Kaci? Will Obama Authorize Drone Strike on Quarantine-Violating Nurse?
 Jack Primus Thwarts Conservative Attempt to Reanimate Undead Voters
 Introducing the President and Vice President of the United States!
 Please Find Literate Folks to Defend the Constitution
 Second Hanks Lawsuit in As Many Weeks
 A Confused Canada Challenges ISIS to Pick up Hockey Game
 CDC Downplaying Ebola Victims Sudden Craving for Human Flesh
 Let’s Do the Time Warp Again
 Discord Endorses Warren Webb Ticket!
 Is the Constitution Obsolete in This Zano Nation?
 Discord Business Model Switching to "All Cats and Babies"
 The Exciting Conclusion of Search Truth Quest: Ep 1
 Discord Fast Approaching One Ad Per One Lawsuit Ratio
 Hundreds Washed to Sea During Cyclone Protest in India
 Kim Jong Un a No Show for Discord Beer Trek Competition
 Alternate Universe Vindicates Bush
 Discord Get Out the Vote Efforts Questioned
 Applause Trailing Off Mid-Set for Local Coffee Shop Duo
 As the Graham McCain Turns
 Once More Unto the Embassy Breach, Dear Friends
 Calvin and Hannity
 Battle Beneath the Planet of Benghazi
 Obama Deploys "Special Ebola Task Force" to Dallas
 Search Truth Quest: EP 1 PT 4:
Speed Powder
 White House Fence Jumper Squatting in East Room
 Flo Takes Massive Pay Cut Switching to Ailing “News” Blog
 Coalition of the Falling: Ebola Fed Ex
 Putin Annexes Pabst! Pabst Red Ruskies?
 Rise of the Radical Republican?  Boehner Inaction Figure Sold Separately
 Pope Appoints New Arches Bishop
 Is Dropping Ebola Victims on ISIL Brilliant or Diabolical?
 New Ray Rice Elevator Creating Fun and Controversy!
 Obama Creates Coalition of the Good Luck With That
 Scotland! Scotland! Scotland!
 Search Truth Quest: EP1 Part 3: Lair of the Hot Barista
 Draco Malfoy to Head Next Benghazi Witch Hunt
 Bigfoot Exonerated for Ripper Deaths!
 Giant Joint Image "Worth Its Weed in Gold" to Discord Photoshopper
 Sith Lord Revealed! Cheney Controlling President Through Darkside
 Danzig, Black Sabbath and Jesus
 In Show of Strength Obama Hoists Severed Head of Boehner on Meet the Press
 Grand Old Party to Ban Every Smarty
 Bands of Angry Displaced Cactus Roaming the Streets
 Missing Immigrant Children Smuggled to Swing States Via Metro-ground Railway
 Joan Rivers, Best Known for Her Role in the Muppets Take Manhattan, Is Dead at 81
 Rhyolite Nevada: a Place That Makes Other Ghost Towns Seem Bustling
 Is She No Better Than a Republican?
 Hackers Refusing to Release Naked Zano Pics
 Kazoo Legend Slim Addelson Inducted Into Kazoo Hall of Fame
 Dalai Discord Recruits Lama!
RSS Subscriptions
Search
About Us
Contact Us