Sarcastically Salving Society
Home of the Transcosmetic Party
A Place for Raging Moderates, Tragic Optimists, and Integral Outcasts
July 25, 2014
THE NEXT PERSON WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT AQUAMAN UNDEROOS ARE, I'M JUST GOING TO PUNCH • NRA PLANNING "SOMETHING SPECIAL" FOR UPCOMING 75TH SCHOOL SHOOTING SINCE COLUMBINE • OIL TANKER EXPLODES OFF COAST OF JAPAN: NO GIANT MONSTERS CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY • TED CRUZ WINS REPUBLICAN STRAW POLL? THAT’S THE LAST STRAW POLL...YOU BROKE IT. • CLOSE GUANTONOMO: FIVE DOWN, 149 TO GO... I ADMIT THIS POSITION WON'T BE HORRIBLY POPULAR WITH HORRIBLE PEOPLE • IRONY ALERT: ICE FLOES DISAPPEARING FAST, REPUBLICAN THOUGHT GLACIALLY SLOW • OBAMA ASKS THE FIVE RELEASED TALIBAN PRISONERS TO "KINDLY RETURN TO GUANTANOMO" •
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The Hand of God
Aging: It May Be Fucked Up but Maybe Less So
By Cokie McGrath
Cokie McGrath

Age related decline is a phenomenon sweeping the nation. You may recognize this subtle foe to establishing and maintaining relationships. For example, "Sure, honey. I can pick that up from the store" quickly turns to..."Umm, why am I going to the store?" Other symptoms include: fumbling around for beers long since consumed, emphatic arguments with inanimate objects—typically of the malfunctioning variety—and accusations of moving items which have remained stationary for years...like, for example, your house.

Similarly, loved ones experiencing this condition may ask several times, "Have you seen my keys?" Not to worry, there is a solution. Mexico is now offering affordable long-term plans available for monthly installments. Flexible tax policies and generous bribes facilitate the placement of your loved one in a "semi-habitable establishment" where infermera Ratchet is always vigilant and people wish their meat contained pink slime filler.

There is a difference between age related decline and Alzheimer’s. The Crank recently summed things up nicely, "If you forget where you left your keys, you’re getting old. If you forget what your keys are for, you have Alzheimer’s." Never truer words were flash light battery. Sorry, bad Alzheimer’s joke.

I chose this topic because some older people in my life, one in particular, is starting to become really limited...He’s getting dumb...monkey with a gun dumb. So I wanted to know 1.) Is it simply part of the normal aging process?, and 2.) Can I use some of this research material to exploit and demean him?

As most of you are well aware there are some common trends with regards to the aging process—these generally moves through Eric Erikson’s famous stages of development, namely AC/DC to NPR to AARP to RIP. I think that’s all of them.

Many folks start to lose their hair, lose their hearing and lose their brain cells, while each year they pick up those few unwanted pounds...of medical marijuana (going to pot joke omitted by management). Some of the less obvious changes come in the form of hormonal changes. In men this is a more gradual process, hardly recognizable unless you’re my boss, Pierce mid-life-crisis Winslow, who spends most of his time flinking (an unsettling combination of drinking and flirting).

But, for women, hormonal changes can be a potentially more dramatic event called menopause. For those who have not yet experienced this feminine benchmark, it may not be that devastating. Recent studies show how expectations play a key role in the severity of menopause. In fact, some ladies do not seem to have much difficulty with the transition at all. So keep a positive attitude and avoid too much flinking. Of course on the other side of the spectrum...invest in chainmail, gents, and always where a cup.

In general, much of today’s research is more positive about the aging process. We all know some of the negative inevitabilities involved with our life-spans, but much of the news about our level of control over certain aspects is encouraging. Research has recently shown that the elderly can maintain healthy sex lives until their seventies and beyond! It is also believed that, despite age-related brain degeneration, general intelligence remains stable until late in life. This brings a certain accuracy to the term old fuckers.

Whereas many things are forgotten, like names and facts (covered nicely in the latest Crank feature), unconscious memory seems inexplicably intact throughout the life span. So there is considerable good news on the aging front; certain behaviors and dietary choices can actually help delay some of the natural cognitive deterioration associated with aging, as well as age related diseases. I’ve even heard blueberries can have beneficial effects for the aging brain, so that chick who turned into a giant blueberry in Willy Wonka may be fat, but she’s sharp as a tack. Just keep all tacks away from her please.

Individuals can avoid such debilitating diseases such as dementia by simply exercising more later in life. Diet, particularly calcium, can help delay cognitive aspects of aging as well. Still, I’m not sure the Discord crew’s infatuation with Chucky Cheeses is healthy. But there are things you can start doing right now that will decrease your chances of developing some of the most common geriatric brain diseases.

More importantly, I can now—with a keen scholarly accuracy—make fun of my boss for ignoring every important health study. We have always known that healthy lifestyles are important, but current research is stressing how we should maintain those good behaviors into our golden years, aka, long after you’re barred from Chucky Cheeses.

Oh, and sorry Mr. Winslow, flinking is not yet associated with any cognitive benefits whatsoever, but ask your doctor if drunken flirting is right for you.

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