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December 19, 2014
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The Hand of God
The Discord’s Wilderness Survival Quiz
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

The purpose of this quiz is to test your wilderness survival skills. You are a modern person with modern needs. Things like broken legs, heat stroke, and dehydration are things that happened back when your grandparents were kids. We have different concerns today, like my Twitter account is blocked! But when a real nature-related crisis strikes, how will you react? Will you do the right thing? Is rubbing salmon on your pajamas before bedtime a good camping practice?

  1. You stayed up late drinking in the desert and, when you wake up in the dirt the next morning, you have major cottonmouth. You soon discover you forgot to bring any water. You should...
    1. Hurry home so you can relax and watch TV.
    2. Find a cactus and chop at it until you get to the chewy water-filled center.
    3. Just start drinking more beer.
    4. Hack at your drinking buddy until you get to the chewy water-filled center.

  1. You are traveling for work, but you pull off the road to pee behind a bush. When you get back to the car you find out your mobile Wi-Fi does not work here.
    1. Cancel the trip and head back home.
    2. Make a splint and try to walk to the highway.
    3. Use your smart phone.
    4. Make a fire by rubbing two sticks against yourself.

  1. You are stung by a scorpion while hiking in the Sonora Desert.
    1. Slice open the wound and suck out the venom.
    2. Quickly drink as much as possible in case it starts to hurt later.
    3. Try to make it sting you again because the second sting cancels the first.
    4. Seek out a local shaman, so you have someone else to drink with.

  1. You are cross country skiing when your friend has run out of weed. You should...
    1. Sob uncontrollably.
    2. Try to find pizza delivery.
    3. Leave him there with only the stems and seeds and go get more weed.
    4. Cover his feet with a foot of snow.

  1. Your buddy just fell down a cliff. He is begging you to bring him his iPad so he can catch up on a few things while waiting for emergency services. You should...
    1. Drink all his beer.
    2. Check to see if he has porn on his iPad.
    3. Tell him you will only help him when he proves he can walk around on his own.
    4. Split and watch 127 Hours on his iPad for tips.

  1. After taking a hot chick into the desert for sex, your car breaks down. You are twenty miles from the nearest paved road and its growing hotter as the noon hour approaches. Soon it will be well over a hundred degrees.
    1. Have sex immediately, before it gets any hotter.
    2. Drink every drop of water you have at once.
    3. Drain the radiator for drinking.
    4. Start collecting your urine. Chicks dig that.

  1. The ice seemed thick enough, but your friend just fell into a frigid lake. You are two miles from your car, what should you do?
    1. Ask him if he sees any fish.
    2. Have him jog back to the car for beers; it will help him stay warm.
    3. Keep pouring more water on him and ask him if you can keep his CDs.
    4. Have him stay in the water while you jog back to the car for beers to stay warm.

  1. You are searching a parking lot for your missing wallet when your friend throws up. He seems disoriented and flushed.
    1. Tell him he needs to find his own way home because you do not want puke in your car.
    2. Pretend you do not know him and hurry away.
    3. Continue to search. As long as he is still sweating, he will be okay.
    4. Take your friends wallet while he’s still disoriented.

  1. Your car ran out of gas in your driveway.
    1. Go back to bed.
    2. Get inside of the car and turn on the heater.
    3. Make a fire and set up your tent.
    4. Dig a moat around the car so water does not flood it.

  1. Which of these items are the most important to have if you need to hike 40 miles back to civilization?
    1. As much food and water as your girlfriend can carry.
    2. As much alcohol as you can gather.
    3. X-Box.
    4. Your urine from that last time you were stuck in the desert.

Answer Key:

  1. C
  2. A
  3. B
  4. B
  5. A
  6. B
  7. B
  8. A
  9. C
  10. B


100%You probably already work for The Daily Discord.
90%You are a good person to have around if we run out of beer.
80%I would trust you going on a beer run.
70%Follow someone that knows what they are doing.
60%Keep the car in sight.
50%Stay on the tour bus.
40%Maybe Six Flags is enough excitement for you.
30%Read any good books lately?
20%My grandmother loves company.
10%Stick to your X-Box.
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