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July 27, 2014
THE NEXT PERSON WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT AQUAMAN UNDEROOS ARE, I'M JUST GOING TO PUNCH • NRA PLANNING "SOMETHING SPECIAL" FOR UPCOMING 75TH SCHOOL SHOOTING SINCE COLUMBINE • OIL TANKER EXPLODES OFF COAST OF JAPAN: NO GIANT MONSTERS CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY • TED CRUZ WINS REPUBLICAN STRAW POLL? THAT’S THE LAST STRAW POLL...YOU BROKE IT. • CLOSE GUANTONOMO: FIVE DOWN, 149 TO GO... I ADMIT THIS POSITION WON'T BE HORRIBLY POPULAR WITH HORRIBLE PEOPLE • IRONY ALERT: ICE FLOES DISAPPEARING FAST, REPUBLICAN THOUGHT GLACIALLY SLOW • OBAMA ASKS THE FIVE RELEASED TALIBAN PRISONERS TO "KINDLY RETURN TO GUANTANOMO" •
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The Hand of God
Russian Prehistoric Lake Drilling Unleashes Zombie Plague!
By Erisa Brahe
Erisa Brahe

Antarctica –Early February, after twenty years of drilling through thousands of feet of Antarctic ice, the Russians finally reached Lake Vostok. Sadly, being February, most of the researchers died the next night of exposure after their celebratory baby whale roast. Vostok, a fresh water lake sealed off from the Antarctic surface since the early Miocene epoch, has been the source of much speculation. It has attracted the attention of mad scientists, neo Nazis, tinfoil-wearing alien hunters, and even mad-Nazi-tinfoil-wearing Discord reporters. 

Many scientists anticipated the discovery of ancient microbes and extremophiles in the icy waters, but there are some who await larger discoveries (extreme-extremophiles?). Some cling to the hope of finally finding the Loch Ness Monster or another such prehistoric dinosaur. If a large reptile could survive incessant Scottish bagpipe music for centuries, perhaps one might be able to survive in an Antarctic lake.

And every good American knows that where there are dinosaurs there must be oil. Despite reports confirming the water content of the lake, some believe that after 20 million years of isolation, a fossil fuel rich layer may have accumulated on the lakebed. No word from the American Security Council on whether they intend to pursue any Afghan terrorists to Antarctica.

And it may not be the first time Lake Vostok spawned military conflict. Early rumors involve a German submarine crashing into the lake at the end of World War II. This sub may have become a base containing the remains of Eva Braun and Adolf Hitler. Presumably, this base is powered by the oil in the lake. Some worry that the pair of cryogenically frozen Nazi leaders could be cloned and used to herald in a Fourth Reich, or worse yet, some type of Naziassic Park with Nazis riding gestaporaptors?

An artistic rendering of the cross-section of Lake Vostok. Credit: US National Science and a Discord Photoshopper.
An artistic rendering of the cross-section of Lake Vostok. Credit: US National Science and a Discord Photoshopper.

Some overlook the ancient past in the hopes of an ancient future, claiming Lake Vostok could contain Ancient Alien technology. Taking certain episodes of Stargate to the extreme, they look forward to discoveries of wrecked spaceships or alien bases. As if hiding Adolf and Eva on a frozen continent weren’t enough, the aliens chose to hide them on Jupiter’s ice moon, Europa, or possibly the forest moon of Endor.

Since the Russians have been so quiet after their first announcement, many of these rumors continue to grow unabated. Early reports confirmed retrieval of water samples from the lake before the drill site closed for the Antarctic winter, but no confirmation on whether the samples contained prehistoric life, mi-go fungus, or even DNA evidence of the third drummer from GWAR. The apparent silence of the Russian government has done little to staunch concerns that members of the drill team did not make the rendezvous to their ships.

This led to a flurry of new accounts of drill team members dying after exposure to the prehistoric water. While the Russian government will not acknowledge the nationality of the alleged victims, there are confirmed sightings of apparently diseased humans wandering the Antarctic shores in an aimless shamble. 

"We thought they were just eager to board their ships," said Captain Redshirt of the USS Miranda. "At first, we attributed it to the vodka, but, when they bit the Captain of the landing party on the shin, all hell broke loose. It was horrible! Especially when those attacked got up and started wandering about on their own with their entrails in tow. After everyone was infected, they started attacking the penguins. The Pittsburgh hockey team was recently exiled there after losing the first round of the playoffs. "

Doctors hesitate to officially declare people "zombies", since they seem to still be alive from a distance. This has not stopped locals from proclaiming this a zombie plague or, worse yet, a sobriety outbreak. However, scientists and the Russian government argue that no biological samples have been collected to confirm a bacterial or viral cause, as no ships are willing to approach shore due to fears of being attacked—even when we point out their vodka supplies are untouched! With even worse Antarctic weather approaching, the opportunity for rescue or research is closing. Scientists, however, are hopeful.

"At the moment we are not overly concerned about acquiring samples," said marine biologist, Dr. E. Ripley, "as the Arctic winter will preserve the bodies nicely... assuming they’re in the same place come the spring."

What has the environmentalists up in arms is the impact this plague is having on the local wildlife, which mostly consists of non-migratory penguins of the Pittsburgh variety. 

"It’s hard to tell which penguins are affected and which aren’t," said Dr. Ripley. "Even normal penguins mill around aimlessly most of the time, but it’s the reports of flocks turning on each other in a blood bath that have most of us concerned. That’s definitely not normal penguin behavior, even among the Pittsburgh variety."

Thankfully, there have been no sightings of a zombie Hitler or Eva Braun among the growing horde.

"The possibility of Nazi-zombie penguins on an endless quest of destruction should concern us all," said Dr. Ripley. "They’re bad enough with hockey sticks and ice skates, but it’s the cute, small, feathery ones that are the most dangerous."

The only Discord-obtained Photoshop from the Russian Drill 5-G in Antarctica
The only Discord-obtained Photoshop from the Russian Drill 5-G in Antarctica
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