Sarcastically Salving Society
Home of the Transcosmetic Party
A Place for Raging Moderates, Tragic Optimists, and Integral Outcasts
April 18, 2014
AS PART OF A LIBERAL PLOY, COASTAL CITIES ACROSS THE GLOBE DUMPING BILLIONS INTO "CLIMATE CHANGE" FLOOD PREVENTION • DEPRESSION INCREASES CHANCE OF SADNESS IN COSTLY DISCORD STUDY • RETRACTION: OUR HEADLINE "MICK ZANO TO REPLACE JOHNNY CARSON" SHOULD HAVE READ "STEPHEN COLBERT TO REPLACE DAVID LETTERMAN" • FOX NEWS POLL: ONLY FOUR PEOPLE ON OBAMACARE AND THEY ALL HATE IT • FRANTIC MESSAGE FROM FLIGHT 370'S BLACK BOX, "BATTERY RUNNING LOW. PLEASE PLUG IN THE AC ADAPTER." • OBAMA PROMOTES ECONOMIC OPPURTUNTIES FOR WOMEN "BUT NOT IN THIS COUNTRY" • BONO'S U2-MAPS COMPANY COLLAPSES: MAIN COMPLAINT "I STILL HAVEN'T FOUND WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR, HERE, WHERE THE STREETS HAVE NO NAME" •
TopicsTopics
ContributorsContributors
FeaturesFeatures
Subscribe Now Subscribe Now
Search The Discord Search The Discord
About Us About Us
Contact Us Contact Us
Site Map Site Map
Be our friend...
...with benefits
Show us your tweets...
Follow The Daily Discord on Twitter
...and we'll show you ours
Follow The Daily Discord on MySpace
Dick Cheyney: In My Pants
Presidential All Seeing Eye

Kiester Island

Khamenei Rork and Tattoo Ahmadinejad

Bill Clinton and his Asian Harem

Obama squares of with Gandalf the Gray over Health Care

Tactics to Draw Out Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan Questioned, Danish Mohammed cartoons for sale

Second Inconvenient Truth Linked to Al Gore’s Cross-Dressing

Moe-hammad
The Hand of God
Russian Prehistoric Lake Drilling Unleashes Zombie Plague!
By Erisa Brahe
Erisa Brahe

Antarctica –Early February, after twenty years of drilling through thousands of feet of Antarctic ice, the Russians finally reached Lake Vostok. Sadly, being February, most of the researchers died the next night of exposure after their celebratory baby whale roast. Vostok, a fresh water lake sealed off from the Antarctic surface since the early Miocene epoch, has been the source of much speculation. It has attracted the attention of mad scientists, neo Nazis, tinfoil-wearing alien hunters, and even mad-Nazi-tinfoil-wearing Discord reporters. 

Many scientists anticipated the discovery of ancient microbes and extremophiles in the icy waters, but there are some who await larger discoveries (extreme-extremophiles?). Some cling to the hope of finally finding the Loch Ness Monster or another such prehistoric dinosaur. If a large reptile could survive incessant Scottish bagpipe music for centuries, perhaps one might be able to survive in an Antarctic lake.

And every good American knows that where there are dinosaurs there must be oil. Despite reports confirming the water content of the lake, some believe that after 20 million years of isolation, a fossil fuel rich layer may have accumulated on the lakebed. No word from the American Security Council on whether they intend to pursue any Afghan terrorists to Antarctica.

And it may not be the first time Lake Vostok spawned military conflict. Early rumors involve a German submarine crashing into the lake at the end of World War II. This sub may have become a base containing the remains of Eva Braun and Adolf Hitler. Presumably, this base is powered by the oil in the lake. Some worry that the pair of cryogenically frozen Nazi leaders could be cloned and used to herald in a Fourth Reich, or worse yet, some type of Naziassic Park with Nazis riding gestaporaptors?

An artistic rendering of the cross-section of Lake Vostok. Credit: US National Science and a Discord Photoshopper.
An artistic rendering of the cross-section of Lake Vostok. Credit: US National Science and a Discord Photoshopper.

Some overlook the ancient past in the hopes of an ancient future, claiming Lake Vostok could contain Ancient Alien technology. Taking certain episodes of Stargate to the extreme, they look forward to discoveries of wrecked spaceships or alien bases. As if hiding Adolf and Eva on a frozen continent weren’t enough, the aliens chose to hide them on Jupiter’s ice moon, Europa, or possibly the forest moon of Endor.

Since the Russians have been so quiet after their first announcement, many of these rumors continue to grow unabated. Early reports confirmed retrieval of water samples from the lake before the drill site closed for the Antarctic winter, but no confirmation on whether the samples contained prehistoric life, mi-go fungus, or even DNA evidence of the third drummer from GWAR. The apparent silence of the Russian government has done little to staunch concerns that members of the drill team did not make the rendezvous to their ships.

This led to a flurry of new accounts of drill team members dying after exposure to the prehistoric water. While the Russian government will not acknowledge the nationality of the alleged victims, there are confirmed sightings of apparently diseased humans wandering the Antarctic shores in an aimless shamble. 

"We thought they were just eager to board their ships," said Captain Redshirt of the USS Miranda. "At first, we attributed it to the vodka, but, when they bit the Captain of the landing party on the shin, all hell broke loose. It was horrible! Especially when those attacked got up and started wandering about on their own with their entrails in tow. After everyone was infected, they started attacking the penguins. The Pittsburgh hockey team was recently exiled there after losing the first round of the playoffs. "

Doctors hesitate to officially declare people "zombies", since they seem to still be alive from a distance. This has not stopped locals from proclaiming this a zombie plague or, worse yet, a sobriety outbreak. However, scientists and the Russian government argue that no biological samples have been collected to confirm a bacterial or viral cause, as no ships are willing to approach shore due to fears of being attacked—even when we point out their vodka supplies are untouched! With even worse Antarctic weather approaching, the opportunity for rescue or research is closing. Scientists, however, are hopeful.

"At the moment we are not overly concerned about acquiring samples," said marine biologist, Dr. E. Ripley, "as the Arctic winter will preserve the bodies nicely... assuming they’re in the same place come the spring."

What has the environmentalists up in arms is the impact this plague is having on the local wildlife, which mostly consists of non-migratory penguins of the Pittsburgh variety. 

"It’s hard to tell which penguins are affected and which aren’t," said Dr. Ripley. "Even normal penguins mill around aimlessly most of the time, but it’s the reports of flocks turning on each other in a blood bath that have most of us concerned. That’s definitely not normal penguin behavior, even among the Pittsburgh variety."

Thankfully, there have been no sightings of a zombie Hitler or Eva Braun among the growing horde.

"The possibility of Nazi-zombie penguins on an endless quest of destruction should concern us all," said Dr. Ripley. "They’re bad enough with hockey sticks and ice skates, but it’s the cute, small, feathery ones that are the most dangerous."

The only Discord-obtained Photoshop from the Russian Drill 5-G in Antarctica
The only Discord-obtained Photoshop from the Russian Drill 5-G in Antarctica
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Discord Videos
Coming Soon! Summer of 2014! or Thereabouts
Coming Soon! Summer of 2014! Or Thereabouts
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord


Discord's Daily Discharge
Discord's Daily Discharge
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 Arizona Cable Company Airs Our 1st Commercial!
 The Lowell Observatory Incident: Putting the Ass Back Into Asstronomy
 Breaking News Into Tiny Shards of Sensationalism
 Startling Ineptness Haunts Discord Ghost Investigation!
More Videos...
Decrepit Discord
 New Evidence Emerges for Flight 370: the Plot Stiffens
 Your Pets Don't Love You
 Mitch McConnell "Man of Mystery" Meme Takes Net by Storm
 Discord Staff Vows to Repeat the Mistakes of Last St. Patrick's Day
 And the Winner of the Dumbest Quote of the 21st Century Goes To...
 A Despondent Obama Last Seen Wandering Toward Columbia Heights
 How Obama Earned His 41% Approval Rating, or at Least Is Renting to Own
 Why Didn’t They Handout Aluminum Foil Hats at CPAC? an Oversight?
 Mr. Smith "Nearly Done" Reading the Affordable Care Act
 Al Gore Releases More Ozone-Depleting Gases Into the Atmosphere
 Discord to Move Away From Content in Favor of 24/7 Pledge Drives
 CPAC Run!
 U.S. Deploys Cast of Game of Thrones to Crimea
 I Didn’t Leave the Discord, the Discord Left Me: Oh, and I Didn’t Have Email
 Investigation Uncovers Problem With Sochi Opening Ceremony
 After "No Hell" Bomb, Pope Tweets "And the Bible's Kind of a Shit Show"
 And the Tasteless Joke of the Year Goes To...
 Star Trek V Space Case
 Discord Celebrates First Accurate GOP Prediction of 21st Century
 The Captain and Tennille Split Up: Millions Rejoice
 The 80's Called and They Want Their Bad Joke Back
 Arizona’s SB1062: Fabulous Ousts Crabulous
 Benghazi Isn’t a Scandal, It’s a Cry for Help
 Top 10 Guinness Pours in Tucson Revealed!
 On News of Death Zano Downplays Ramis/Discord Feud
 Dolphin Mothers Boycott Discord
 The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Five: NSA
 Disaster Strikes Last Day of Olympics
 The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Four: Benghazi
 The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Three: Obamacare
 The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Two: Fast & Furious
 The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part One: IRS
 Train Transporting Crude Oil Doesn’t Blow Up
 Satellite Confirms the Only Light in N. Korea Is a Motel 6
 Pope
 Deport Every Politician Thwarting Obama on Iran
 Market Crashes As Yellen Giggles and Farts Through Confirmation Hearing!
 93,000 Liters of Beer Are Lost Each Year in Facial Hair in the UK Alone
 Ticket Emerges That Finally Captures the GOP’s Values
 Discord's Daily Discharge
 Religion Added to DSM-V
 Reaganomics: Don't Let an Economist Tell You Different
 Stock in Grumpy Cat Collapses
 Haunted Tucson: the Hotel Congress
 Have You Spoken to Your Kids About Benghazi?
 A Confused Putin Pardons Justin Bieber
 Discord Super Game Coverage
 The Main Reason Republicans Will Lose the Future
 Hef and the Dead
 During SOTU Obama Mentioned Alimony 14 Times and Chardonnay 37 Times
 Rosetta Scandal: Obama’s Blunders Deciphered!
 Egypt Builds Cage for Prospective Leader...Just in Case
 God Implicated in Climate Change Hoax
 Obama Sells Arizona Back to Mexico
 ObamaCare Unveils New "Fun Size" Healthcare Enrollments
 As Arizona’s CPS Closes Brewer Opens the "Jan-Line"
 Hillary Asks Discord to "Stop Helping!"
 Arizona Cable Company Airs Our 1st Commercial!
 Journalism Lives!…umm, on the Left
 In Rare Show of Force Zeus Blasts Jesus
RSS Subscriptions
Search
About Us
Contact Us