Sarcastically Salving Society
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April 16, 2014
AS PART OF A LIBERAL PLOY, COASTAL CITIES ACROSS THE GLOBE DUMPING BILLIONS INTO "CLIMATE CHANGE" FLOOD PREVENTION • DEPRESSION INCREASES CHANCE OF SADNESS IN COSTLY DISCORD STUDY • RETRACTION: OUR HEADLINE "MICK ZANO TO REPLACE JOHNNY CARSON" SHOULD HAVE READ "STEPHEN COLBERT TO REPLACE DAVID LETTERMAN" • FOX NEWS POLL: ONLY FOUR PEOPLE ON OBAMACARE AND THEY ALL HATE IT • FRANTIC MESSAGE FROM FLIGHT 370'S BLACK BOX, "BATTERY RUNNING LOW. PLEASE PLUG IN THE AC ADAPTER." • OBAMA PROMOTES ECONOMIC OPPURTUNTIES FOR WOMEN "BUT NOT IN THIS COUNTRY" • BONO'S U2-MAPS COMPANY COLLAPSES: MAIN COMPLAINT "I STILL HAVEN'T FOUND WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR, HERE, WHERE THE STREETS HAVE NO NAME" •
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The Hand of God
Kirkpatrick/Zano: The Interview
By Mick Zano
Kirkpatrick/Zano: The Interview
Mick Zano

On the balcony of the Weatherford Hotel, Alex Bone and I were minding our own business and kicking back a brewski. Many stories begin this way. Bone man had already managed to piss off one of the owners, Sam, and somehow turned his flagrant obnoxiousness into a free shot of tequila. Bone is living proof the customer isn’t always right, yet it still pays dividends.

The Weatherford Hotel is an important slice of the old west. I don’t conduct any actual research for the Daily Discord, but I believe it’s the place where Zane Grey punched out Louis La Amour’s horse during a bar fight. Perhaps, more importantly, it’s where the Flagstaff Writer’s Group meets each week to bring you all the news unfit to post and whatnot. This is also happens to be our new mission statement.

This is how things went down that day:

Zano: Dude, what’s going on in there? The Zane Grey is packed.

Bone: I don’t know, but if you sign the petition you can get some free food.

Zano: Nice, I’ll be back.

Bill Maher’s ‘Stupidest State Award’

So I sign Proposition 101, steal some appetizers and nachos, and then listen to everyone sing happy birthday to our former State Representative Ann Kirkpatrick (D). I believe Proposition 101 urges Arizona to legislate better so one day we can hand Bill Maher’s ‘Stupidest State Award’ back to Mississippi. I signed twice.

Zano: Hey, that’s Ann Kirkpatrick in there. Let’s get an interview.

Bone: It’s suit city in there. Besides, I don’t have the video camera.

Zano: I have mine. Come on. We only cover stories that fall into our laps, and this is one of those lap dances.

Bone: Lap dance? She’s like fifty.

Zano: It’s an expression. Look, you can’t just swindle booze and food all day. Sometimes you have to earn your keep.

Bone: So there’s a beer in it for me?

Zano: Indeed there is.

Bone and Zano enter the Zane Grey Ballroom:

Zano: Hello and happy birthday.

Kirkpatrick: Thank you (Ann turned to Alex Bone). Don’t I know you?

Bone: Yes. I represent the community’s Viking vote.

Kirkpatrick: Ah, well someone has to do it.

(Laughter)

Zano: Would you mind a short interview for the Daily Discord, a very important political blog? (I hand her our business card).

Kirkpatick: Sure, sure.

Zano: So were you aware this is where the Daily Discord holds their weekly meetings... in this very room at this very time?

Kirkpatrick: No, I was not aware.

Zano: And did you know this is also where the Flagstaff Writing Group meets each week and has for over three years?

Kirkpatick: I had no idea.

Zano: So you’re saying your handlers completely botched this event?

(Yeah, I really said that.)

Mick Zano sporting his lesbian lingerie with Ann Kirkpatrick (D)
Mick Zano sporting his lesbian lingerie with Ann Kirkpatrick (D)

Fact Check: Zano’s statement is blatantly false. As stated, Alex Bone and Mick Zano were the only two people in attendance. By definition, two people can not constitute two groups. Regardless, the Daily Discord is not separate from the Flagstaff Writer’s Group. This is a ‘pants on fire’ level lie.

Ground breaking para-abnormal Yahtzee séance

Damn Fact Check. And I tried to have them Photoshop out my flannel shirt. I really did. Oh, by the way, this is the same room where we held our ground breaking para-abnormal Yahtzee séance.

Back to that first image. If you look at the woman to the left of the photo, that’s Ann’s mother and she already smells a rat:

Fact Check: You must mean in the left of the photo. If she were to the left of the photo, she would not be in the picture at all. We are not even going comment on the validity of Proposition 101 and Zano’s Grey/ La Amour horse punching story.

Damn you Fact Check people! Damn you!

Ann’s Mother: (completely interrupting our interview) We usually charge fifty dollars for such photo shoots.

(Forced laughter)

Ann’s mother: We’re leaving dear, would you mind walking us out?

Nice, lady, real nice.

Zano: That was going great! And now we got nothing...

Bone: Not true, you usually make a story out of nothing. Have you ever read any of your other posts?

Zano: Good point.

So now, the totally fictional conclusion of this historic interview:

Zano: I understand you are running again in 2012. But is running as a Democrat in Arizona proof you have a deep masochistic streak or some other fetish on par with Rick Man-On-Dog Santorum?

Kirkpatick: I ahh...

Zano: I understand you are concerned about our national debt but, as a Democrat, isn’t that somewhat counterintuitive?

Kirkpatick: I really should get back to—

Zano: Just one more question, please. Who would win an OK Corral-style shootout between Ted Nugent and the Black Panthers?

Kirkpatick: Look, I don’t think—

Zano: Would you consider hosting such an event in Flagstaff if one could be arranged?

Kirkpatick: This interview is over.

This is probably how it would have gone down. Just sayin’.

Fact Check: If this happened around Ann Kirkpatrick’s birthday, this interview occurred on or around March 24th. Ted Nugent’s recent incendiary remarks about Obama took place on April 14th. Due to the time line discrepancy, this question would likely have not been posed to the politician.

Damn you Fact Check people! Damn you!

Fact Check: It is true that Zano’s brown flannel shirt is considered lesbian lingerie in the Flagstaff area.

Zano: Grrrr.

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