On the balcony of the Weatherford Hotel, Alex Bone and I were minding our own business and kicking back a brewski. Many stories begin this way. Bone man had already managed to piss off one of the owners, Sam, and somehow turned his flagrant obnoxiousness into a free shot of tequila. Bone is living proof the customer isn’t always right, yet it still pays dividends.
The Weatherford Hotel is an important slice of the old west. I don’t conduct any actual research for the Daily Discord, but I believe it’s the place where Zane Grey punched out Louis La Amour’s horse during a bar fight. Perhaps, more importantly, it’s where the Flagstaff Writer’s Group meets each week to bring you all the news unfit to post and whatnot. This is also happens to be our new mission statement.
This is how things went down that day:
Zano: Dude, what’s going on in there? The Zane Grey is packed.
Bone: I don’t know, but if you sign the petition you can get some free food.
Zano: Nice, I’ll be back.
So I sign Proposition 101, steal some appetizers and nachos, and then listen to everyone sing happy birthday to our former State Representative Ann Kirkpatrick (D). I believe Proposition 101 urges Arizona to legislate better so one day we can hand Bill Maher’s ‘Stupidest State Award’ back to Mississippi. I signed twice.
Zano: Hey, that’s Ann Kirkpatrick in there. Let’s get an interview.
Bone: It’s suit city in there. Besides, I don’t have the video camera.
Zano: I have mine. Come on. We only cover stories that fall into our laps, and this is one of those lap dances.
Bone: Lap dance? She’s like fifty.
Zano: It’s an expression. Look, you can’t just swindle booze and food all day. Sometimes you have to earn your keep.
Bone: So there’s a beer in it for me?
Zano: Indeed there is.
Bone and Zano enter the Zane Grey Ballroom:
Zano: Hello and happy birthday.
Kirkpatrick: Thank you (Ann turned to Alex Bone). Don’t I know you?
Bone: Yes. I represent the community’s Viking vote.
Kirkpatrick: Ah, well someone has to do it.
Zano: Would you mind a short interview for the Daily Discord, a very important political blog? (I hand her our business card).
Kirkpatick: Sure, sure.
Zano: So were you aware this is where the Daily Discord holds their weekly meetings... in this very room at this very time?
Kirkpatrick: No, I was not aware.
Zano: And did you know this is also where the Flagstaff Writing Group meets each week and has for over three years?
Kirkpatick: I had no idea.
Zano: So you’re saying your handlers completely botched this event?
(Yeah, I really said that.)
|Mick Zano sporting his lesbian lingerie with Ann Kirkpatrick (D)
Damn Fact Check. And I tried to have them Photoshop out my flannel shirt. I really did. Oh, by the way, this is the same room where we held our ground breaking para-abnormal Yahtzee séance.
Back to that first image. If you look at the woman to the left of the photo, that’s Ann’s mother and she already smells a rat:
Damn you Fact Check people! Damn you!
Ann’s Mother: (completely interrupting our interview) We usually charge fifty dollars for such photo shoots.
Ann’s mother: We’re leaving dear, would you mind walking us out?
Nice, lady, real nice.
Zano: That was going great! And now we got nothing...
Bone: Not true, you usually make a story out of nothing. Have you ever read any of your other posts?
Zano: Good point.
So now, the totally fictional conclusion of this historic interview:
Zano: I understand you are running again in 2012. But is running as a Democrat in Arizona proof you have a deep masochistic streak or some other fetish on par with Rick Man-On-Dog Santorum?
Kirkpatick: I ahh...
Zano: I understand you are concerned about our national debt but, as a Democrat, isn’t that somewhat counterintuitive?
Kirkpatick: I really should get back to—
Zano: Just one more question, please. Who would win an OK Corral-style shootout between Ted Nugent and the Black Panthers?
Kirkpatick: Look, I don’t think—
Zano: Would you consider hosting such an event in Flagstaff if one could be arranged?
Kirkpatick: This interview is over.
This is probably how it would have gone down. Just sayin’.
Damn you Fact Check people! Damn you!