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December 21, 2014
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The Hand of God
America’s Newest Trend: Anti-life Coaching
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Life Coaching has remained a fast-growing offshoot of the counseling field for years now. One clear advantage, you don’t need all of those pesky "credentials." Life Coaches help people reach for their true goals while taking their money so they have less capital to do so. Life Coaching affirmations include, ‘Reach for your full potential’ and ‘I’m so special, I deserve to do whatever I want and to hell with the rest of you.’

Here, in the land of perpetual progressive positive support (PPPS), everyone gets a trophy. It’s like that Minnesota Senator said when he was just a comedian, "I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people voted for me."

However, just as the Life Coaching craze is reaching new heights, a new type of coaching is hitting the scene, the Anti-Life Coach. With the damage done and a Nation whittling itself away through the endless enabling of entitled assholes, isn’t it time to reverse the tide?

We at the Discord tracked down one of these new pioneers, William Lynn, and he was more than happy to fill us in.

"Life Coaching builds people up, how stupid is that? Like Americans have any problems with positive self esteem, please. Have you seen the kids these days? They want cell phones at age six and it had better be a smart phone or some parent will have enough laxative poured into their drink to make a hippo crap an elephant," said Lynn. "I think it’s far more vital to explain to people why they suck and aren’t really all that important."

Lynn’s books include Aren’t We All Just a Bunch of Money Grubbing Sheep? and  We’re All Going to be Dead Soon Anyway, so Get the Fuck Over Yourselves.

When I asked if Mr. Lynn was familiar with the Discord’s Ghetto Shaman, he said, "He epitomizes our movement. He understands on a level I don’t even understand. He’s somehow tapping into our collective fuckupitude," said Lynn.

When asked how often his services were being used, he laughed in my face and called me a broke loser before continuing. "There aren’t enough hours in the week to shoot down all the pompous a-holes out there, but to ignore your question; most of my clients are teens. Teenagers are well known for their ‘know everything’ attitude and their undeserved feelings of entitlement. Some parents will pay a fortune for me to take their brats down a couple of notches. Sometimes I even get a bonus if they leave my office in tears. Awwwe, you want a lollypop? You are a fucking lollypop, you barely employable, high school dropout shit head! Get used to dumpster diving for your lollypops, bitch."

Others are less fond of this new school of coaching. Dr. Moonmurmur Freecloud had this to say: "Lynn’s idea that Americans need to be brought down instead of up is ridiculous. Just because most Americans are shamelessly spoiled, does not mean they don’t have feelings. Why just the other day, my Mercedes was in the shop and I was forced to drive our Cadillac SUV to the office, how embarrassing. I thought I’d never recover. My therapist heard an earful over that one. Oh could you excuse me, the heiress Cullenta is here and I need to help her come to grips with her vacation home conundrum."

Delving deeper into this new Anti-Life trend helped me discover a laundry list of ‘issues’ Anti-Life Coaching claims to be able to help one overcome. This list includes: Thinking you are always right, Grandiosity, Being happy, Positive self-esteem, Entitlement, Lack of self-loathing, Chronic lack of self-loathing, Feeling better than others, Not wanting to kill yourself, Failure to self criticize, Not over-analyzing your every move, Unrealistic goals, Positive Body Image, and Thinking you could still be a rock star, artist, sports hero, author, or spoof news journalist.

Lynn summed it up thusly. "We’re just giving you a reality check. Face it, in the grand scheme of things most of us are just boring losers. America tried to drill it into our heads that we are special and bound for great things and glory, but most are likely to veg in front of the TV all day in a messy room that you’re just too lazy to clean."

Then Lynn started to insult me, claiming that he had read my work and stated I was way too full of myself. I told him he was obviously an imbecile for not recognizing my genius and then punched him in the ear. In the ensuing battle, he kept criticizing my fighting techniques, which just made me punch him harder. One of his lackeys called the police and I’m writing this article from the jail library. Winslow is refusing to bail me out, again. He thinks I need some humility too and is thinking about hiring an Anti-life coach for me. It figures.

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