If during a conversation someone called you an asshole, you would leave the area upset or stove in someone’s head with a Louisville Slugger, via Joe Pesci in Goodfellas (my choice). Hurtful words can even lead to suicide, a reaction I have never understood (outside of reading Zano features). My first thought would be to end the other person’s life. Where does that get you? Dead? Not even. Although, my mom did manage to get both dead and even...with me at least. I’ll never forget her loving last words, "I may end up dead, but I will get you back!"

People use hurtful words to make themselves feel better. When you run out of real honest facts to back up your theories, one can rely on "Oh yeah, well just go fuck yourself", or the classic "yo mama". And, for the really adventurous, "Yo mama go fuck yourself".

On the other hand, if your penis (or brain) is exceptionally small, and all your friends found out, you may go ape-shit and start flinging mouth-missiles at them. As if that will remake your image in their eyes, and with each and every word, your dick/brain gets bigger ala Pinocchio. In the case of a small penis, just purchase a Dodge Viper, it will work wonders.

The other reason is the person who you are conversing, seems to have a hearing problem, or an understanding problem, and just keeps tossing what are today known as ‘Talking Points’ back at you. Unless there are massive amounts of mind-numbing medication involved, you might want to use hurtful words. Ostensibly to possibly wake the person out of his ‘body-awake/mind-asleep’ state—a state with which I am very familiar. It’s what got me through the seventies, as well as a supermarket career. I remember thinking super is in the name, so what’s the worst that can happen?

If you think that calling someone asshole will change their mind then you are somewhat mistaken. I have never once seen someone react like "Oh, geeh, I see your point. I AM an asshole! You are absolutely correct. I now see the error of my ways, and would have never realized how wrong I was until you enlightened me by calling me a name."

Dorks.

What I now see is that the internet has helped the human race in a way totally unforeseen by even its inventor, Al Gore. I have previously stated about how the word ‘racist’ now means virtually nothing thanks to the far left, successfully undoing a century’s worth of work, sacrifice and even deaths on behalf of equal rights. Well, now the internet has redeemed itself. Now, if you are having an animated conversation with a relative or friend, and this other person starts running out of ideas and hurls insults at you like hail in a twister, you now just shrug and say "Well, I guess you’re a (place political/lifestyle affiliation here) and you just shrug and walk away. No harm done, see ya later.

Yes, it’s true! The internet’s anonymity has given strength to the meek, by hiding their skinny asses from the much bigger, the ones with who one used to agree with so as not to become dead. So much strength that their words no longer have any meaning. The only meaning these hateful words now have is to align yourself with other people of similar tastes, to become ‘one of the guys’ you must know the newest insult, like having the newest handbag makes you person of the five seconds in your crowd. So meaningful isn’t it?

Which now brings me to another mental epiphany, so called "funny" insults? This is a habit even I admit I used to partake of. I have, as of late, ‘seen the light’ as it were, and now take on the education of my peers as a new life’s work. OK, maybe a few months. Ok, maybe just now. I am like the ex-smoker who now harasses all who partake. I am the festering boil on all your collective asses. Well, actually I have been that to most of my family and friends for most of my life, but for different reasons. This is my reason du jour.

I realized just how ‘un-funny’ that these so called ‘funny’ insults were when I heard people I respected laughing at things that were so incredibly hurtful to the object of their insult that it had the opposite effect on me. I didn’t laugh. I either felt sorry for the individual being chastised for speaking their beliefs, or what they had done was so wrong in my view that there was really nothing ‘funny’ about it. I then realized that when someone has the opposite view from you on any subject, the only reasons I can think of to hurl insults at them, or their families, is to make you feel like you are superior to them, or to be the ‘person of the minute’ in your crowd, or to silence them.

I want you all to think about this. If you have ever laughed at the denigration of someone’s intelligence or even their families and children by someone because they disagree with that person, you are not really a nice person. You may even, well, suck.

Comedy as a medium has made funny insults its very own since the first caveman slipped on a banana, and all the other cavemen laughed their hairy, unibrow-ed asses off. TV in the fifties and sixties was full of comedy that really did not insult. Think of Abbot and Costello’s Who’s on First?, or the Three Stooges’ Niagara Falls. That’s not what I am talking about. I am talking of mean spirited vile that is aimed at ones family tree, children, sexuality, gender or intelligence that is meant to try to silence them. THAT IS THE REAL REASON FOR THESE INSULTS. To silence them. If you are so afraid of someone, for reasons real or imagined, state your case, then shut the fuck up. If you are correct, most will see this and not listen to them. Kinda like the Romulans. If you are in the minority? Oh well, suck it up, life’s a beeoch. It happens. To me more often than most and I’m ok with that. Look up the word ‘minority’ in your Funk & Wagnall’s, there’s a picture of a beige ape.

The problem today is that everyone agrees with me. Just not when they do it. It’s ok when I do it, it just wrong when they do it. While they all call for "civil discourse", they all hurl brain bombs at each other. You are all full of shit. Either stop it, or make it open season on enemies. After all, "they" are the enemy after all. I mean, if they disagree with me, they cannot possibly love America, can they? It’s not like we are a democratic republic or anything like that. It’s not like we should compromise, perish the thought.

Bent

The Crank