Sarcastically Salving Society
Home of the Transcosmetic Party
A Place for Raging Moderates, Tragic Optimists, and Integral Outcasts
March 30, 2015
I GAVE UP GIVING UP THINGS FOR LENT FOR LENT • OBAMA DECLARES WAR ON POISONOUS FLORIDA CATERPILLAR • PELOSI: REPUBLICANS ENDANGER CIVILIZATION • ZANO: PELOSI HAS RARE, ACCURATE STATEMENT • WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO SEND SHIT FOR THIS MARQUEE/TICKER THING, ZANO! JESUS, WHAT AM I NOT PAYING YOU FOR? —PIERCE WINSLOW • OBAMA ADMITS TO SPENDING ALL NATION'S FLEX-FUNDS ON GOLF, STARBUCKS AND BEER • CONGRESS APPROVES BILL TO...HA HA HAH! KIDDING! CONGRESS DOESN’T APPROVE BILLS •
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GOP: You’re Squandering an Opportunity More Golden than Trump Friggin’ Towers!
By The Crank
GOP: You’re Squandering an Opportunity More Golden than Trump Friggin’ Towers!

Yeah, that’s right, The Crank is finally calling out the right wing. Why don’t you just put the f*&^ing election into a pretty foil box with a bow and hand it to Obama and say, "Sorry we bothered." Or put on the cake, Enjoy Four More Years, oh Anointed One.

You people are making Obama look smart and that’s no easy task considering he has lived his entire pre-Presidential life in a box in Chicago on ex-Mayor Daley’s porch (only reading the Huffington Post, while viewing 24-hr live feeds from his most liberal university professors’ classes—with only the occasional "Al Capone Story" reruns to break it up).

I’m talking about Rick Sanitarium...er, Santorum. Evan Trump said it’s a gift to Democrats to make him run against The Evil Dr. Obamatron. Of course, it’s not ALL your fault. In states where independents can vote in primaries, many are being cajoled into voting for Sanitarium to "help the cause" as it were. It’s easy, actually. These are people who cannot, for the life of themselves, decide which side they’re on in any given decision. Independents spend their lives over-thinking a decision to its flaming finale. Making the decisions for them actually removes some of their stress.

Sanitarium makes one speech on "The Evil Satan" or talks about how much he admires Gays & any Non-Christians, and he’s history. Newt I’m-mad-as-hell-and-I’m-not-going-to-take-it-anymore Gingrich is faltering because we all see him for what he is—a hateful and resentful man who looks like a grown-up Cabbage Patch doll.

Mitt Headroom is our only hope. He is middle of the road enough to have a real chance to beat Obummer. Let’s all face the facts: no fat-assed Joisey Governor is going to ride in on a gleaming, but rather bow-backed, white stallion to save us. It’s just not gonna happen. And let’s all thank our deities that Palin isn’t running. As a local DJ said on his Facebook page: "Do I want her as President? NO. Would I like to bang her? Like a screen door in a cat-5 hurricane." I know that’s sexist, but I’m told it will be edited out. And I believe in the crew at the Discord, they’re like a finely tuned...okay, they’re idiots. Sue me.

The Ron-ulans will have their 5 %—they always do—but never more. Paul wears two hats: one of them a cowboy hat and the other one hand-crafted from tin foil. Many great, great ideas about auditing the Fed and re-arranging our finances to suit our income, but he loses me with the "foreign policy" he has lodged in his eye.

If in fact gasoline is $4.50- $5.00 per gallon this summer, and the pipeline and the drilling are nowhere in sight, Mikko could beat Ohmamma. I am looking a C-note + to fill the Ram at $5.00, and America has more trucks than bicycles. As it heats up this season, Obama’s popularity will start to sink like a certain "I forgot to wear my glasses after I fell into the life boat" cruise ship captain.

The recovery that is happening in spite of Washington will give up by then, and I will be waving a tattered 3x white T-shirt in complete surrender. But that’s a crapshoot, and I’m not a betting man.

William F. Buckley, famed Conservative pundit, once said "I will vote for the most conservative person that I think can be elected." He saw that a bird in the hand, may shit on it...wait, that’s not how it goes. He saw that two Bushes in the palm were...never mind. But he understands how having a semi-conservative in charge is better than the least conservative. Evidently, the Republicans last shred of intelligence died with old Bill.

Don’t fuck this up guys, the alternative is horrific.

Like a-planet-ruled-by-Mikko horrific.

Crank me a story

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