Sarcastically Salving Society
Home of the Transcosmetic Party
A Place for Raging Moderates, Tragic Optimists, and Integral Outcasts
July 28, 2014
THE NEXT PERSON WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT AQUAMAN UNDEROOS ARE, I'M JUST GOING TO PUNCH • NRA PLANNING "SOMETHING SPECIAL" FOR UPCOMING 75TH SCHOOL SHOOTING SINCE COLUMBINE • OIL TANKER EXPLODES OFF COAST OF JAPAN: NO GIANT MONSTERS CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY • TED CRUZ WINS REPUBLICAN STRAW POLL? THAT’S THE LAST STRAW POLL...YOU BROKE IT. • CLOSE GUANTONOMO: FIVE DOWN, 149 TO GO... I ADMIT THIS POSITION WON'T BE HORRIBLY POPULAR WITH HORRIBLE PEOPLE • IRONY ALERT: ICE FLOES DISAPPEARING FAST, REPUBLICAN THOUGHT GLACIALLY SLOW • OBAMA ASKS THE FIVE RELEASED TALIBAN PRISONERS TO "KINDLY RETURN TO GUANTANOMO" •
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The Hand of God
Alex Bone: Arizona’s New Homelessness Advocate
By Cokie McGrath
Cokie McGrath

Outside the Collapsing Shack, AZ—In a freakish turn of events not seen since that last Crank feature, Alex Bone has sworn off all societal ‘responsibilities’ and ‘obligations.’ Inspired by the Discord’s own ‘Occupy Space’ movement, Bone Man has not only joined the ranks of the homeless, but is working diligently on a statewide movement for others to join him in his crusade against rent, mortgages, and roofs in general.

The Discord caught up to Alex, where he was hiding from the police behind a dead tree in the woods just south of town. There, our own Cokie McGrath asked why he had chosen the road less cozy.

"It wasn’t just because I didn’t have the money to pay my rent," said Bone. "There is waaaay more to it than that. These days they expect you to pay for your home, pay for your utilities, pay for your food, and even pay for your sex!"

Cokie asked him to elongate...er, to elaborate on that last part:

"Yeah sex, the only reason you need a place is because chicks dig beds and heating and all that other sissy stuff. From now on I’m only going to go out with women who dig me for me...sure I’m wet when it rains and I freeze when it’s cold and I’m forced to eat rotting food from dumpsters, but...what was the question? And another thing, paying bills is stupid. The Native Americans didn’t have bills. Land of the free, my ass, how about land of the bills?! I’m not quitting my job, so don’t call me a bum, I’m just spending money on what I choose to. I’ve been at it for a while now and I already have an extra two thousand dollars in my bank account. Suck on that Arizona Power Service! Now if only the bank would let me in so I could withdraw some of it. So what if I smell a little? It’s a price I’m willing to pay."

Mr. Bone is now trying to convince others to adopt his carefree lifestyle and has released a seven-CD set entitled: Shirk Your Way to Prosperity. When we asked how he was able to keep his job without bathing and such, Alex Bone said, "I have enough money now to buy a new shirt every day if need be." He then took a sniff of his armpit. "And, by Yig’s scaly beard, need be...but I prefer to wash my clothes in the company’s bathroom sink, while washing my feet in the toilet. They’re always encouraging us to multi-task, right? I’m starting to get a few weird looks, but it’s worth it. I have so much money now I treated myself to two twelve packs last night. That’s almost a case using the metric system, woo hoo!"

When Cokie asked him about his Anti-Home Movement, Bone said, "The Sacred AHM is all about taking your freedom back and using it the way God intended, on barcrawls. Screw wasting money each month just to have a place to rest. I can rest just fine under a bridge and I have so much money now I can use my wallet as a pillow, bitches! I used to just work my ass off to have a place to drink my crummy beer. So I just cut out the middle man. Heck, if I drink enough, I don’t even notice how cold it gets. In your face UNS Gas!"

In closing Bone added, "I’m finally free. The man doesn’t own me anymore. I can even stay at City Hall some nights as part of the main Occupy Movement. Oh, and if you get a bus pass, you can just circle town and stay warm for hours. They drop you right off at the shelter and the mall, where I spend a lot of time buying lot’s of very small things that fit in my backpack. It’s almost full so I’m going to have to sell shit on Ebay so I can buy more shit. Hey, where are you guys going? If you let me take a shower at your place, I won’t smell so bad. You can’t argue with that logic. Maybe I could crash there too. I need to charge my laptop. Oh come on, I’ll buy the beer. I can afford fancy imported beer now. Did I mention that homelessness is the new rich?"

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