Sarcastically Salving Society
Home of the Transcosmetic Party
A Place for Raging Moderates, Tragic Optimists, and Integral Outcasts
July 24, 2014
THE NEXT PERSON WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT AQUAMAN UNDEROOS ARE, I'M JUST GOING TO PUNCH • NRA PLANNING "SOMETHING SPECIAL" FOR UPCOMING 75TH SCHOOL SHOOTING SINCE COLUMBINE • OIL TANKER EXPLODES OFF COAST OF JAPAN: NO GIANT MONSTERS CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY • TED CRUZ WINS REPUBLICAN STRAW POLL? THAT’S THE LAST STRAW POLL...YOU BROKE IT. • CLOSE GUANTONOMO: FIVE DOWN, 149 TO GO... I ADMIT THIS POSITION WON'T BE HORRIBLY POPULAR WITH HORRIBLE PEOPLE • IRONY ALERT: ICE FLOES DISAPPEARING FAST, REPUBLICAN THOUGHT GLACIALLY SLOW • OBAMA ASKS THE FIVE RELEASED TALIBAN PRISONERS TO "KINDLY RETURN TO GUANTANOMO" •
TopicsTopics
ContributorsContributors
FeaturesFeatures
Subscribe Now Subscribe Now
Search The Discord Search The Discord
About Us About Us
Contact Us Contact Us
Site Map Site Map
Be our friend...
...with benefits
Show us your tweets...
Follow The Daily Discord on Twitter
...and we'll show you ours
Follow The Daily Discord on MySpace
Betty Ford Center
Presidential All Seeing Eye

Kiester Island

Khamenei Rork and Tattoo Ahmadinejad

Bill Clinton and his Asian Harem

Obama squares of with Gandalf the Gray over Health Care

Tactics to Draw Out Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan Questioned, Danish Mohammed cartoons for sale

Second Inconvenient Truth Linked to Al Gore’s Cross-Dressing

Moe-hammad
The Hand of God
Nothing Golden Can Stay: Farewell Hostess with the Mostess
By The Crank
Nothing Golden Can Stay: Farewell Hostess with the Mostess

Long before there was Spongbob Squarepants, there was Spongecake Cream Members. But 1/10/2012 marked the beginning of the end. No, it isn’t cataclysmic storms, or giant grasshoppers like that similarly named Peter Graves’ movie. It’s not tsunamis or earthquakes or Mayan Gods either. It’s not even Ahmanutjob flexing his nuclear muscle, nor is it Kim Jong Jr. testing his authoritah. I’m afraid, it’s much, much worse.

I cannot get much more depressed and still function. Today, sniff-sniff, Hostess Bakery filed chapter 11 bankruptcy. Yes, I know, I know...how will we ever function without the Sacred Twinkie? I don’t know...but somehow we must soldier on. If not for us, for the sake of the children. Yes, for the children. But how can a child grow into a fully functional adult without first knowing of the magic ‘T’? It’s like a rite of passage. The mighty sponge member, Exglucosebur, passed down from father to son, from mother to daughter, for countless generations. The Once and Future Ring Ding.

When one reaches a certain age, the parent sits you down and hands you your first one. You are told just how to slowly and methodically open the package without damaging them. You are then told to take a bite, albeit a small one. We never know just how the little ones will react to the flood of flavor, the tsunami of sugar, the cacophony of cake, the symphony of spongy goodness.

Oh, I still remember my first time: I was behind the candy rack in my parent’s deli, hiding, ashamed, yet curiously attracted to them. Mom said they weren’t good for me, especially seeing as how I was already adept at finding the right end of the fork, so to speak. Yes, ahead of my age was I—a fact directly related to having access to free food 24-7. I took one bite and it was the first time I heard the music. The first time I saw the light. After I engulfed the little yellow wonders, almost swallowing them whole, I felt a sudden flood of warmth, a kind of epiphany—an epiphany only superseded by my first encounter with Coca-Cola. I grew up fast in those years, always managing to keep my little diabetic dalliances a secret from the parents.

I was finally caught on day, the plastic wrap and the little cardboard in my shirt pocket, face full of yellow cake, and the telltale spent white filling still in my hand. I was humiliated, eyes downcast, waiting for my father to fulfill his fatherly duties and wup my ass. What happened that day surprised me... one day you realize, the dad you had was not the dad you thought you knew.

No, that one warm June day in my seventh year, he sat me down and opened up another pack. He then went to the dairy case and grabbed a can of ReddiWhip. As he was telling me to keep my mouth shut about this, he covered each of the Twinkies with a delicate ribbon of whipped cream and handed me one. He then reached into the soda case and grabbed two Cokes—you know, the little 6 oz ones from years past. As he handed me the Coke, he had this little crooked smile. "Now this is our little secret, OK?"

I know why he had to keep it a secret. He, like me, had learned all too well the wonders of food. But unlike, yours truly, he was unable to remain just a ‘social eater’. He was a habitual user, Dad was. Hard stuff, too. One time, right after returning from WWII, he downed 13 bowls of Minestrone soup. He survived the war but had to have his stomach pumped that night. Eventually such indulgences came back to bite him in the ass.

Mom didn’t understand; she wasn’t like ‘us.’ She had never seen the light, nor heard the siren’s song—at least not until the day Dad took her to see Englebert Humperdink. She sure saw something that day. Came home all wobbly and glassy-eyed with the same crooked little smile... I never understood her addiction.

But will the little ones even remember the Twinkie? What great poems or sonnets will be written about the Ring Dings? the Choc-o-diles? the Devil Dogs? Oh, the humanity of it all. We need to act and act now. I say we do a fundraising telethon thing. Instead of ‘Jerry’s Kids,’ we can get a bunch of fat kids crying and staring into their empty Twinkie boxes.

"Why, mommy. Why?!"

That should do the trick. Think of it, Twinkies are the go-to for all occasions. Just lost your girlfriend? Get over that pair with another golden pair. Won the lottery? Twinkies. Hormones going wild? Twinkies. Pregnant? Twinkies. Postpartum? Prepartum? Post-prepartum? You always had a friend in Twinkies. For some of us, sadly, they were our only true friend.

We also need to think about the coming achococlypse. If we are to survive the coming onslaught of Global Problem Du Jour: pollution, radiation, droughts, liberals and famines, we will need the chemical properties of our favorite little ‘Soylent Yellow’ to help us endure and persevere. After all, they may just keep us alive. Twinkies are forever, too. Have you ever seen one go bad? Think of it. Well-armed Mad Max type vehicles will scour the countryside in search of them. Future history buffs will no doubt read of the Great Twinkie Wars.


"The Shroud of the Ring Ding has fallen. Begun the Twinkie War has!"

—Yoda


They have a half-life of about 400 years and are on the periodic table of the elements too, right next to uranium under Ts. And didn’t we find yellow cake in Iraq? Iran is trying to enrich Twinkies, but we can’t let them succeed!

I will now go to my local convenience store and start a memorial outside, complete with little crosses made of Twinkies, flowers, notes, the whole thing. I have even started knitting a patchwork quilt. Their stories must be told! It just seems wrong, so so wrong...

The Crank

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Discord Videos
Camera Down! Now Maybe He'll Have Some Time for Our Editing.
Camera Down! Now Maybe He'll Have Some Time For Our Editing, Actually, he planned that. Our guy's that good.
Actually, he planned that. Our guy's that good.
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord


Discord One Step Closer to Pulitzer for Beiber Coverage
Discord One Step Closer to Pulitzer for Beiber Coverage
Actually, he planned that. Our guy's that good.
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 Coming Soon! Summer of 2014! or Thereabouts
 Discord's Daily Discharge
 Arizona Cable Company Airs Our 1st Commercial!
 The Lowell Observatory Incident: Putting the Ass Back Into Asstronomy
More Videos...
Decrepit Discord
 Guy Named Francis Excommunicates Mafia?
 GOP Unveils New Plan to Take Back White House
 Sage-like Prophets Predict Iraqi Problems...in 2007
 Who Is the Sith Lord and Who Is the Sithy Boy?
 Give Them Exactly What They Deserve
 Discord Standing by Their Controversial Kasem Coverage
 Bettman Refuses to Relinquish Cup!
 Obama Visits World's Smallest Museum
 David Brat Seems Pretty Okay for a Tea Bagger
 Obama Condemns Own Drone Strike on 60s Band Procol Harum
 David and GOPliath?
 Zano Playing Ouija With John Lennon Again
 Loaded Gun Found in Toy Store Deemed Legal in Arizona
 Alternate Timeline: Fox Ramps up Ridicule Over Failure to Rescue Bergdahl
 Why I Preferred the GOP When They Were Bombing the Wrong Country
 Obama Visits Last Operational 80s Video Store
 Deceased Mime Appointed White House Press Secretary
 Most Interesting Man in the World Linked to Climate Change
 Where Climate Change Is Likely to Hit the Hardest
 Ten Children Vanish During Jackson Cirque Du Soleil Performance
 Discord Staff Turns in Combined 401Ks for Godzilla Endorsement
 The GOP: You’re All Glenn Beck Now
 Russian Rocket Falls Back to Earth Onto Putin Rival
 Biden Refuses Prom Request
 Obama to Begin "Tough" Action on Head of Veterans Affairs
 Mysterious Crap Circles: Alien Messages or Intestinal Flu?
 McDonald's PR Pyro Nightmare
 GOP Critical of Japanese Response to Giant Lizard
 Wanna’ Fix This Country? Prescribe Low-T for the Dems and Ginkoba for the GOP
 Obama Visits Leesburg Lunch Pail Museum
 This Day in History: Elias Issa Heads to Salem After Allegations Surface of Witchcraft
 Dean and Sterling? Wonder Twins Unite! Form of Intolerance
 Total (Over) Lording Deniers
 Fox News Finally Charted by the Combined Efforts of Captain Nemo and Sinbad
 Timber Wolf Mistakenly Reintroduced Into Mall of America
 Iran Claims to Have Successfully Copied U.S. Drone
 Bigfoot Subpoenaed to Testify on Benghazi
 Discord Summarizes Evolution of Benghazi Hearings
 Bike Rider’s Blues: Schwinning!
 Lewinsky's Secret Revealed in Discord Exclusive
 R.V. Krugan Adds Painting to "Thrown Shoe" Collection
 Upgrade for Fortune Cookies Now Available
 Declare War Not Bankruptcy
 Family of Botched Executionee Set to Sue Oklahoma
 Camera Down! Now Maybe He'll Have Some Time for Our Editing.
 Dear Fox News: Your Obamacare Lies Are Working!
 Latest Search for Republican Thought Comes up Empty
 Before Duty Secret Service Agents Must Blow Into TelePrompter
 Artist Rendition of Hillary's 2020 Presidential Run
 Discord One Step Closer to Pulitzer for Beiber Coverage
 Feds: Assassinated Nevada Cows Linked to Al-Qcattle and Heffbollah
 Atheism: It’s What’s for Last Supper
 Colorado Annexes Nearby Circle-K's
 Atheism Is Dead: Don’t Believe the Unbelievers
 Former Yahoo COO: "$58-Million Severance Will Interfere With My Medicaid and Food Stamps."
 New Theory of T-Rex Anatomy Emerges
 Obama Finally Has Putin Where He Wants Him
 GOP Widens Search for Obamacare Fallout to Narnia
 While Searching for Malaysian Flight GOP Finds Next Benghazi
 Toast, It’s What’s for Climate
RSS Subscriptions
Search
About Us
Contact Us