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July 28, 2014
THE NEXT PERSON WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT AQUAMAN UNDEROOS ARE, I'M JUST GOING TO PUNCH • NRA PLANNING "SOMETHING SPECIAL" FOR UPCOMING 75TH SCHOOL SHOOTING SINCE COLUMBINE • OIL TANKER EXPLODES OFF COAST OF JAPAN: NO GIANT MONSTERS CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY • TED CRUZ WINS REPUBLICAN STRAW POLL? THAT’S THE LAST STRAW POLL...YOU BROKE IT. • CLOSE GUANTONOMO: FIVE DOWN, 149 TO GO... I ADMIT THIS POSITION WON'T BE HORRIBLY POPULAR WITH HORRIBLE PEOPLE • IRONY ALERT: ICE FLOES DISAPPEARING FAST, REPUBLICAN THOUGHT GLACIALLY SLOW • OBAMA ASKS THE FIVE RELEASED TALIBAN PRISONERS TO "KINDLY RETURN TO GUANTANOMO" •
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Stick to Writing Jokes, Mikko: The Zano Rebuttal Rides Again
By The Crank
The Crank

First, let me be the first to congratulate you on the crying Korean-slash-Bachmann joke. Well done, sir. Second, I know Darth Winslow warned me about political commentary—just like the Politicos, he has to pander to his base (all six of them). Yeah, I know, "they are six really smart people!" I’m sorry, dear Winnie, like the spider who kills the goose he’s riding across the river on and drowns, it’s wut ah do.

Your latest post, Mr. Zano, has many problems, not the least of which is the copious amount of unfunnyness it exudes. It’s like listening to Pink phucking Floyd on the way to work in the morning; it only exacerbates my already powerful feelings of helplessness. I read your political stories and I gaze down at my wrists and cry. Just stop! Who is your sponsor anyway, the makers of Prozac!

The Taliban are wonderful people, I’m sure. I just love the way they treat the ladies. Oops, I seemed to have run over my daughter. Oh well, I’ll just have another. She was getting too westernized anyway. See Mick, no way to make them funny. They all suck, all of them. Not Muslims mind you, I’m talking Taliban. If your neighborhood is taken over by Honduran Mafia, do you talk to the moderate killer/drug dealer? No, you call in some "Sherriff Joe" style artillery.

And it’s just not funny. If it’s OK now to write non funny, I gots’ a shitload for you. Oh, it’s not? Well, then.....

Second, I love charts. Especially yours. Having ADHD, your charts are like a shiny sparkly thing waved in front of me. It’s like "...and then the President says that...Oh look, a Mikko chart...."

Yours of course is bullshit. Why do you never put down where you get this drivel? Even I am smart enough not to copy and paste from the Heritage Foundation; you really need to stay away from MediaMatters.shit.

  1. Afghan & Iraq wars, half that amount.
  2. Bush tax cuts need to be added to the next 4 years, no one in Washington has the ‘junes to stop them.
  3. 152 billion for the health reform? Yeah, I got some waterfront property in Yuma for you. It’s over 1 trillion.
  4. The Fed has released documents saying that almost 110 billion went out the back door the Europe and its banks, and they ain’t finished yet.
  5. Just today, he added almost 900 billion to welfare and food stamp subsidies.
  6. Its only 3 years to Bush’s 8.
  7. Oh yeah, Bush was wrong also, so uh, remember this quote:

    How can you tell if you're a partisan hack?

    When you use something morally indefensible to defend your guy. Thus the whole "I bet you didn't object when blahblahblah did yadayadayada, so you can't complain now" logical construct. If the ONLY argument that you have in support of something is a rationalization based on a lack of consistency on the part of its opponents, then you are well and truly sunk intellectually.

Now, there is also this: the Russians couldn’t do shit in Afghanistan. It’s a treacherous shithole. They have no oil, therefore, after we kill all the Taliban fighting men/male children over the age of, well, 7, for their part in 9/11, we need to g.t.f.o. Unless, that is, you want to go pick some poppy? Iraq is another story, we should have taken the oil as payment for letting the Muslim Brotherhood take over the whole region. We repeatedly oust Dictators and then they elect people who all want to kill us. For free. Isn’t the definition of insanity when you keep doing the same fucking shit and keep thinking the outcome will be different? I think 5 or 6 million barrels a year should just about do it.

It’s all for naught anyway, it seems that today Obama just wiped his ass with what was left of the Constitution anyway. You are right, it is all over. It’s just not funny.

And when it comes to politics, neither are you. Oh yeah, and it’s all your fault.

Jeez, I do so love doing that.

Oh yeah, I gave your neighbor a twenty and told him to buy something loud.

I ♥ Liquid Dinosaurs

The Crank

Winslow's Note:

I never said you couldn’t write political posts, Mr. Crank, but the rebuttals of rebuttals of rebuttals were giving my ulcers ulcers. I allowed this rebuttal against my better judgment. Actually, I work for the Discord so I don’t really have a better judgment. I’m going to steer clear from any political commentary here, although I will say, for the record, the chart in Zano’s post is from the Congressional Budget Office, not Moveon.org or MediaMatters. He did forget the citation, which is actually quite rare, so I docked him a week’s pay. The chart is considered by many to be the chart of the year (so naturally you won’t see it on Fox News).

But I did want to make one point. You said of Zano’s post, "Your latest has many problems, not the least of which is the copious amount of unfunnyness it exudes." You made this point often. In Mr. Zano’s feature I counted 10 or 15 jokes, some of them were very funny, some were mildly amusing, and still others made me wish I’d chosen a career in refrigerator repair. Point being, they exist, they are there, embedded within the story. Meanwhile, your post was completely devoid of even the rudimentary precursors of humor. Well, there is that Prozac joke, but apparently that was added later by an underpaid and often beaten intern. This being primarily a comedy site, the victory goes to Zano.

P.S. Your other shit has been hysterical lately so you should take your own advice.

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