Sarcastically Salving Society
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A Place for Raging Moderates, Tragic Optimists, and Integral Outcasts
April 20, 2014
OCD MEETUP GROUP TO MEET AT 1PM, 2PM, 3PM, 4PM, 5PM, 6PM. 7PM, 8PM, 9PM, 10PM, 11PM, 12AM, 1AM, 2AM..........(MARQUEE BUFFERING) • AS SNEEZING DEATHS RISE IN 14 STATES, CONSERVATIVE THINK TANK LINKS BRUTAL ALLERGY SEASON TO OBAMACARE • AS PART OF A LIBERAL PLOY, COASTAL CITIES ACROSS THE GLOBE DUMPING BILLIONS INTO "CLIMATE CHANGE" FLOOD PREVENTION • DEPRESSION INCREASES CHANCE OF SADNESS IN COSTLY DISCORD STUDY • RETRACTION: OUR HEADLINE "MICK ZANO TO REPLACE JOHNNY CARSON" SHOULD HAVE READ "STEPHEN COLBERT TO REPLACE DAVID LETTERMAN" • FOX NEWS POLL: ONLY FOUR PEOPLE ON OBAMACARE AND THEY ALL HATE IT • FRANTIC MESSAGE FROM FLIGHT 370'S BLACK BOX, "BATTERY RUNNING LOW. PLEASE PLUG IN THE AC ADAPTER." •
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The Hand of God
Horror Author Michael D. Griffiths a Zombie?
By Alex Bone
Horror Author Michael D. Griffiths a Zombie?
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—In a story stranger than even his own dark twisted mind could imagine, Zombie fiction author Michael D. Griffiths has admitted to being a zombie. This has not only shocked his four loyal fans, but has sky-rocketed his Eternal Aftermath book sales to the point of clearing his advance for the first time ever…mostly.

I caught up with MDG while he was finishing off other patrons’ abandoned drinks inside the Zane Grey Ballroom in Flagstaff, AZ.

AB: "So Mr. Griffiths, when did you first realize you were a zombie?"

MDG: "I had been drinking a lot and wasn’t quiet feeling myself or like a young Bill Murray meets Spaghetti Western Clint Eastwood, which is what I usually feel like (High Brains Drifter joke omitted for space’s sake). Then I was a little broke after trying to buy my way into Zano’s exclusive semiannual Lesbians only theme party…I didn’t have enough cash to get a sloppy burger, so I ate this hippy’s brain. It was good. I ate the rest of him and what I couldn’t finish I took home for sandwiches…manwiches, really."

AB: "Has being a zombie been rough on you?"

MDG: "Yeah, it’s hard on my love life. I keep trying to eat my wife, but not in the traditional sense. She has told me that she will be staying with her mother, ‘until I grow out of this.’ She thinks it’s a phase."

AB: "Has becoming a zombie helped you with your writing?"

MDG: "Yes and no. I can connect and channel my villains better, but last week I ate one of my publishers. So it looks like Raiders of the Lost Entrails, won’t be coming out for a while."

AB: "I think our readers will be upset if I don’t ask you why you think you’re a zombie. For instance, zombies rarely talk, and their fiction is pretty boring. Maybe you’re just a cannibal."

MDG: "Would I dress like this if I wasn’t a zombie? I mean come on. Old t-shirts and dirty jeans? I’m a ‘professional’ after all. Also, I haven’t bathed for several weeks now…explain that? I must be a zombie. I also have been getting this strange desire to watch Fox News."

AB: "Oh Fox News…sorry I doubted you. Thanks for the interview and be sure to rush out and grab Mr. Griffiths’ newest zombie novel, Eternal Aftermath. Hey. Let go of my arm. AHhHhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Note: Mr. Bone has not returned to the Discord headquarters since he emailed us this story and is now currently missing and believed eaten (MBE).

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