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January 30, 2015
OBAMA DECLARES WAR ON POISONOUS FLORIDA CATERPILLAR • PELOSI: REPUBLICANS ENDANGER CIVILIZATION • ZANO: PELOSI HAS RARE, ACCURATE STATEMENT • WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO SEND SHIT FOR THIS MARQUEE/TICKER THING, ZANO! JESUS, WHAT AM I NOT PAYING YOU FOR? —PIERCE WINSLOW • OBAMA ADMITS TO SPENDING ALL NATION'S FLEX-FUNDS ON GOLF, STARBUCKS AND BEER • CONGRESS APPROVES BILL TO...HA HA HAH! KIDDING! CONGRESS DOESN’T APPROVE BILLS • TOP LIBERALS STRESS DIPLOMACY WHEN NEGOTIATING WITH EBOLA VIRUS •
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The Hand of God
Aliens Set to Invade Earth have Bagged the Idea
By Alex Bone
Aliens Set to Invade Earth have Bagged the Idea
Alex Bone

Collapsing shack, AZ—After traveling over 300 light beers and listening to the same songs 10,000,000,000 times, the invasion force from the planet Gloom 666 has turned around and decided to give their Earth invasion "a miss."

When asked why they made the choice to return to their home world, their Admiral Wigaling had this to say: "Normally we go in and steal resources, but there are barely enough here to bother. We also like stealing cultures as well, but again…holy Tholian Gat droppings?! If your reality television is reality, we believe your planet would fare better in the rundown section of the Trailer Trash Nebula. And don’t even get me started on your women… I’ve seen less entitlement from the twin princesses of Mollun V during their eon long menstrual cycle."

When I pointed out the huge tracks of virgin forest in Alaska and other wondrous natural resources Earth still boasted, he looked at me like I was insane.

"What is the matter with you? Do you want your planet ravaged and your population forced into slave labor? Well, too late, you already have that covered. We Gloomians estimate you will have no unions by 2013, no regulation by 2016, and no planet by 2030. We should ionize your atmosphere to put you out of your misery," said Wigaling. "But your flimsy ozone layer will take care of that soon enough."

Upon pressing the Gloomian leader further, he also admitted to being deterred after intercepting our Netflix transmissions.

"It seems the people of Earth are very resourceful in thwarting such invasions. You always somehow best highly advanced races through ingenuity or sheer luck. Putting viruses into our mother ship, or spreading viruses through your foul atmosphere, or then there was that time you used Slim Whitman music to explode our little space helmets. Merciless bastards!" said Wigaling.

For some reason after my interview the United Nations expelled me from the conference, but I think we have all learned a valuable lesson here. There is an upside to environmental destruction. Kind of like how I avoid identity theft by having an identity no one would want, we are now protecting our lifestyles by making our Earth so useless that domination conquest will pass us right by, every time. Why do you think there are so many UFO sightings but none of them ever land? But we should also probably thank Will Smith, Slim Whitman and the common cold for their roles as well.

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